Diddy

...and you have a new favorite picture to double punch. Everlast should use that picture on a punching bag. The national debt would be wiped out immediately.

Cameron Diaz and Diddy both screamed "JUST FRIENDS!" last month when they were seen having lunch together at some restaurant in Beverly Hills. They're screaming those same words again today after Page Six says they were slurping on each other's mouths at PH-D in Manhattan on Saturday night. Diddy was already holding court at his table when Cameron strolled in a little after 1am for some Virgin Diaries action. P6 put it like this:

“They were kissing and making out,” and continued being “very affectionate” while they danced, our sources said. Diaz and Diddy left the club together with the group just after 3 a.m. This isn’t the first time Diaz has been seen fiddling with Diddy.

Diddy on his own is UGH, Cameron on her own is UGH and together they're just UGHUGHUGHUUUUUUGGGGGH. They shouldn't be tongue screwing in front of everybody. Nobody wants to see that. It probably looks like two gaping anuses squirting douche water at each other. How would Cameron and Diddy like it if two gaping anuses squirted douche water at each other right in front of them? Actually, they'd probably be into it. Those nasty kinky fucks.

Diddy was nearly eaten alive by the flu last week, but he survived and in honor of his comeback (Can you call it a "comeback" when nobody wants you to come back?) he has decided to rename himself "Swag" for the next week. Don't ask me why he chose Swag, but Diddy made the announcement during one of his videocasts.

You know, Diddy has come by Puffy, P. Diddy, Sean Comes, Puff, Piddly, Diddly, etc..and now his stupid ass wants us to call him by yet another name? When we're all sucked into the funnel to the other world tomorrow and I'm flying past Diddy, do I really want to spend the last moments of life wondering whether or not I should greet his ass as "Diddy" or "Swag"? No. Let's keep shit simple. While Diddy changes his name to WHATEVER he wants, we can continue to call him "Douche." It sums up everything about him perfectly and it's a classic. It's like the asshole version of John. And since Diddy likes to keep shit fancy, we'll even add an accent at the end for him. Douché! It's perfect!

via XXL

If you were concerned that the current recession wasn't producing any spoiled bitches for the future, fear not! Diddy has it covered. Diddy has already fed the sleeping spoiled beast in his son Justin when he bought him a $300,000 Mercedes Maybach for this Sweet Sixteen last year. And now Diddy is fully awakening the beast by buying his now 17-year-old son a $390,000 Maybach limousine as a reward for making the honor roll. I can't wait to see Justin being driven around in a Maybach limo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I made the honor roll and my daddy bought me a car that costs more than your track home." Diddy explains to The Independent why he bought his son a car that costs more than Aubrey O'Day:

"Justin has turned himself around and is now an Honours student, which he wasn't before, so I wanted to treat him. It's a collector's car so maybe he will use it for special occasions like on a first date, but like all my kids, he prefers the simpler things than the expensive things. Simple tastes."

When Martin Bashir asked Diddy why he bought his son a Maybach last year, the question did not moisturize his good side. According to Popeater, Diddy responded with:

"The whole thing about giving a Maybach to my son, that's really like a racist question. You don't ask white people what they buy their kids. And they buy 'em Porsches and convertible Bentleys, and it ain't no question. It's really a racist question and put things back in perspective with money and the way that people still look at you.

Diddy works(?) hard(?) for the millions of dollars that pour into his gold bar vault every week, so he can do whatever the hell he wants with it. But maybe just maybe, Diddy bought his son a limousine, because he doesn't want Justin to get too good at using a stick shift. That way in about 25 years, Justin will have to ask a Hollywood Blvd. hooker for help when he can't drive his Lotus Esprit (because his first car was a limousine) and gets lost on his way to Beverly Hills. Justin will invite the hooker up to his penthouse suite at the Bev-Wil-Shir and to make a long story you already know shorter, they'll fall in love and become one on a fire escape in Hollywood. You know Diddy swoons in his loins every time Vivian says to Edward, "She rescued him right back." Diddy is such a fucking romantic.

Any bitch who names his son Justin DIOR is obviously going to throw him a gaudy mess of a 16th birthday party. And that's exactly what Diddy did in NYC last night for his son Justin Dior Combs. The party was even shot for an upcoming episode of MTV's My Super Sweet 16, which should really change its title to The Future Monsters of America.

A million dollar birthday party filled with thrones and crowns (STAINS is not amused) was not enough for Diddy's angel. According to Page Six, Diddy bought Justin Dior his first car. No, it wasn't a '95 Tercel with 200,000 miles on it. Diddy gave his son a $360,000 Maybach complete with his own personal driver. The dealer must have been sold out of Louis Vuitton cars.

But the gift giving fuckery didn't stop there. Diddy also slipped $10,000 into Justin Dior's banking. Justin told reporters that he's going to wait to buy a diamond-encrusted Little Tree for his first car, because he's going to donate the $10,000 to Haiti.

And here's a few pictures from Justin Dior's Super Depressing 16, which included appearances by the whores of Jersey Shore, Nicki Minaj and Nermal from Garfield.

In a new interview with Playboy, P. Doody continues to prove that he's a legend in his own mind by claiming he helped get Obama elected and was almost involved in a relationship with some famous chick that would've "shaken up the world."

Instead of doing this interview, Diddy should've just released a picture of himself jacking off in front of a mirror. Every single one of Diddy's quotes is just another self-made orgasm. The interviewer was probably drowning in Diddy jizz (aka the secret ingredient in Ciroc) by the time they were finished.

Get ready for your daily eyeball aerobics:

Diddy on hip-hop helping Obama get elected: "I think we are probably responsible for Obama being in office, yes. If nobody else is gonna say it, then I’m gonna say it. The confidence, the swagger we instilled in our communities made that possible."

Diddy on trying to lose his v-card when he was 7: "I tried to lose my virginity when I was seven years old. I was on top of a girl who was nine or 10, but it didn’t happen—so everybody doesn’t have to bug out. My mother and the babysitter whipped my ass, but it didn’t knock me off my mission."

Diddy on losing his virginity when he was 13: "When I was 13, and I felt I was a porno star because I’d been watching porn for so long. In the Bronx you could get a hotel for an hour. I always had $20 or $30 to take a chick to a hotel. I’m proud to say I love sex. You might catch me in a porn store at any given moment—it ain’t nothing I’m ashamed of. If they start sending freaks to jail, I’m guilty as charged."

Diddy on his 30-hour fuck sessions: "I’m not exaggerating. When I heard about Sting doing it, I thought, Yo, is this possible? I studied up on the breathing techniques and the focus. Now I think to myself, I cannot believe I’ve been going this long! [laughs] Night is turning into day and I’m still goin’ at it."

Diddy on being with just one woman: "It’s hard. I’m going to say, for any woman trying to please me, that is a real tall order. She has to have poise. She has to be classy. But when we get in that bedroom she got to turn me out, Jack. She has to put a porno to shame and she’s got to be sexually open."

Diddy on the relationship that would've CHANGED THE WORLD!!!: "Yeah, there was a young lady who’s an actress. She’s famous. I liked her, so I was willing to do whatever I had to do. I told her, 'I will sneak up the side of the building to see you.' I was persistent. We started spending time together, but we were prisoners of our celebrity. She took me to dinner after we got to know each other and hit me with a line that was straight out of the movies. She said, 'You know this will never work, right?' I knew she was right."

Diddy on if this unnamed celebrity was Sienna Miller: "It wasn’t her. This was going to shake up the world. It would have been a Puff and J. Lo situation, part two."

Over at Celebitchy, they seem to think this mysterious celebwhore is Cameron Diaz. But personally, I think it was just Diddy in a blonde wig. You know he role-plays with himself.

Will someone please fetch Anna Wintour a glass of room temperature virgin's blood, because I think she's got a few of her intern's souls stuck in her throat. It's making her throat look obese. Heads will roll for this!

Here's the cryptkeeper of Vogue wearing something that Mrs. Roper queefed up at the premiere of The September Issue in NYC last night. That shit is a documentary about the making of Vogue's mighty September issue. Sienna Miller was there, because her vagina sensed large amounts of married dick in the area. And because she's on the cover of Vogue next month.

Other hos at the premiere were Cassie (who was working a half "The Legend of Billie Jean" buzzcut), Marc Jacobs, his piece, Zac Posen, everyone's favorite lemon-faced beard, Melania Trump, her big sack of money and Diddy.

*Images Removed Per Request*

Well, good morning to some of you. Now here's two little pierced nippies to go with your Sanka. It's just what you ordered, I know. This is Cassie, she's a singer-type, and apparently someone broke into her computer and leaked nekkid pictures of her for the whole entire universe to see (SPOILER ALERT: The evil doer rhymes with Lassie). Seriously, does she have an album coming out or something?

Cassie seemed to shrug off the whole thing when she Twittered about it a few hours ago. SLUT:

IT SEEMS THAT SOMEONE HAS HACKED INTO MY COMPUTER...THAT'S REAL FOUL AND EVIL. NOW STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A TITTY BEFORE.

She's right. A titty is a titty. We've all seen 'em, had tea with 'em and probably discussed some serious political shit with 'em. So, it's not that shocking. But then I picture Diddy's nasty ass mouth all over Cassie's chichis and that gives me the dry heavies. How many of those nipple bars do you think Diddy has melted with his hot stank bref? It's a good think he's damn rich or I'd have slap Cassie in the mouth for getting with that.

It's also a good thing that she took these pictures before she had that unfortunate incident with a pair of hair clippers, because that would've ruined everything. Bare and pierced tittay (NSFW, duh) is after the jump.

Diddy is having tantric sex 24-hours a day, because he's always stroking his own massive fucking ego. Welcome.

Source VIA The Frisky

I've come to terms with CoCo's transformation as the classiest hooker on the stroll. If that's what she wants to look like now, I will get behind her 100%. Well, not behind her literally, because I think her titanic ass would swallow me whole. Speaking of swallowing, at Diddy's birthday party at Mansion in NYC, the Shauna Sand of the East looked like a sexy python trying to digest a family of mongooses.

The man who is solely responsible for putting Obama in the White House, celebrated his birthday last night. Guests included the most elegant creature in NYC, her pimp, Ben Stiller, Cedric the Entertainer and Mary. J Blige. I guess our Evite got lost in the interwebs. Besides, I would only go to that shit if the invitation said, "brownies will be served."

Douche extraordinaire Diddy voted for Obama in NYC today and while slithering out of the polling place, he told the Associated Press:

"I felt like my vote was the vote that put him into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. And that may not be true, but that's how much power it felt like I had."

Okay, maybe Carrie Underwears is right....

And if Obama wins, his first order of business should be appointing Diddy Speaker of the Douchehouse. I mean, he owes him.

Thanks Heather