Star Jones

A few years ago, Rosie O called Starlet Jones "delusional" because of that whole "dieting and Pilates" lie. Star's constipated trout face finally admitted she had her stomach cinched and sealed. Well, it looks like it's all fat water under the band now, because Rosie and Gay Al's former enema bottle holder have teamed up in the name of charity.

UsWeekly says both Rosie and Star will have lunch with the highest bidder. All cash monies from the auction will go towards the Figure Skating in Harlem charity.

Yes, lunch. How in Barbara Walters lisp Hell are you supposed to eat food things with a Star on one side and a Rosie on the other. Do you also win an hour with a gastroenterologist, because your stomach will be on the wrong side of fucked up after that lunch. On second thought, Rosie O wouldn't be so bad. I'd ask her to tell me stories about Babwa pee peeing on herself during meetings while I nibbled on my salad croutons. Then we'd crank call Hasselcrack and pretend to be Dubya. She would totally have phone fucky times with us. Okay, that would good.

But Star?! How are you supposed to swallow successfully when you've got that face looking back at you?! And you know she'll stare at your food with those hongray eyes that make you want to call a priest or 911 or something. I'd rather eat my meal off of a truck stop urinal cake than dine with that bitch. Although, I would like to ask her if the rumor about Gay Al taking three wangs in his glazed donut hole at one time is true. If it is, I need the blueprint on that shit.

Gay Al is going to burst a cum bubble when he sees these pictures of Star stretching out yet another one of his favorite freakum suits in St. Barts earlier this month. You can even tell by the look on Star's face that she knows Gay Al's manpussy is going to pucker like crazy over this shit. Star's not even wearing it right! She's wearing the top backwards. Gay Al loves the way that top accentuates his sumptuous décolletage.

You know, I don't mind Star's fat band scars. They kind of look like meth pipe burns and I like that feature on a woman. Methinks 2009 is going to be about looking like a day shift truck stop hooker, so meth pipe burns are a must to complete the look. Star is already ahead of the game.

However, I really didn't need to get intimate with Star's world class fupa. There's enough fupa there to keep a large village warm at night. Warm and musty. No wonder Gay Al screamed "Oh my heavens!" every time Star tried to seduce him by wearing a sexy panty set from Torrid.

Gay Al is going to piss through his no-no when he see this shit! Item #42 on his cum bucket list is to have lunch with Ivana Trump just so she can raise her champagne glass and toast to her "dahling Gay Al." And look who had lunch with Ivana in NYC. Star's wearing Gay Al's dick hunting boots too! Damn, she's cold hearted.

A little birdie should tell Star and Ivana that Alaska is filled with hot eligible hunks who worship fur-wearing memaws. The hunks can be found hanging out behind Governor Sarah Palin's house. The quickest way to attract the hunks is for Star and Ivana to put on their fur coats and gallop around while howling like moose. The Alaskan hunks love that shit!

Star Jones' new dude is totally throwing off my gaydar. I keep hitting the side of that shit, but it's still not giving me an exact reading. I can totally picture her new dude's manpussy puckering at the sight of a 12-incher. On the other hand, he totally looks like he mainly wears pleated Dockers and says the phrase "okie dokie" at least a dozen times a day. That makes me think he's totally straight. But then again, he is kissing Star Jones. She attracts more closeted homos than the Republican Convention.

Here's Star and her new man making children cry by touching lips at the US Open yesterday. Star should tear herself away from him for a quick minute and go tend to that sad pussy sitting on her head. It needs major loving....and a flea bath.

All those years with Gay Al should have taught Star Jones how to deep throat properly. Come on, Star! Swallow that shit in one shot. Gay Al would've had that thing halfway down his throat before the photographer could even think about taking his picture.

Star Jones is single, sexy and living it up in Cannes. The middle thumbnail looks like Gay Al's face after a night out with his "boys."

Star also kissed up to a friend's dog. That dog is gay! Star can't help it. Like a fly to fruit.....

I've decided to use a picture of Gay Al with fat Star, because fat Star is soooo much better than today's Star. I miss fat Star. Not really. So....Gay Al is ready to talk about his split from Star! He's looking to talk, but he wants to get paid. Full Disclosure is reporting that he's shopping around his first TV interview to the highest bidder.

A source said, "He has got to make a buck somehow. He's been looking for a six-figure deal for an interview where he dishes about being married to Star." Six-figures?! Are we talking money or dick size? And to think that I was going to offer him a Bel Ami video, a Barbie manicure set and some used anal beads.

Six-figures? He must have jizz in the brains. Besides, what else is there to tell? He likes juicy salchicha and Star is a lie-teller. We basically know everything.

Star Jones is the host of "The Bad Girls Club" reunion which airs this Tuesday on Oxygen. It was the only job she could get. During the taping, one bad girl told Tanisha she was "a cheeseburger away from being obese." Mmmm....cheeseburger. Extra cheese? Tanisha immediately started brawling and security had to be called in.

When everything settled, Star told the audience, "If I punched every bitch who called me fat, it would be dead bitches all up and down the highway.'" Instead of punching bitches, Star used her fists on Gay Al's ass. Well, it was the one thing that kept their marriage alive for that long.

Source: Page Six

Gay Al has taken to his MySpace to blog about his divorce to Star Jones. Gay Al has asked all of us to walk in his shoes "for a few hours." I would, but stilettos aren't my flavor. Gay Al has the calves for those things. I don't.

The post is long, so fly on over to Gay Al's fairy kingdom if you want to read the whole thing. Here's parts of it:

Dear Friends: If you think you are having a tough day, may I propose you walk in my shoes for a few hours. In my mind, it feels like “Dump on Al Month.” And I’m not having fun yet. I have been called a gigolo, a freeloader, unemployed, a sham and many other things that don’t bear repeating. People on television, radio and the internet have spoken disparagingly of my life, my sexuality, my career and my integrity. The media has barraged me (at my home), my friends, my family(including my 79 year old mother), my college classmates, my students and my professional colleagues. Yet, despite this intense level of provocation, I have said nothing. My Publicist has put out a one sentence statement: “We’re taking the high road.” And we have and will continue on that path. As much as I want to defend myself, it seems like a silly and futile exercise. It’s clear that the media doesn’t want to let the truth get in the way of a good story. I hate to ruin their fun. I take great comfort in the fact that my loved ones and those people who really know me continue to love and respect me. Thank you “all” for the endless emails, phone calls and words of encouragement. I know in my heart that I entered my marriage with love and the best of intentions and leave it with great sadness that it didn’t work.

What I want people to know is that I am not the caricature portrayed by the media. I am complex, contradictory and capable of great intelligence but also remarkable stupidity. In other words, I am a human being. To me, labels are for clothes, not people. So…..Please don’t try to define me; don’t try to categorize me; and most of all, don’t label me. Instead, JUST GET TO KNOW ME. And if you see me, just call me Al.

I'm pretty sure it's "Dump on Al Day" once a month at The Loading Zone in Miami.

Aww...poor Gay Al! He has a friend in me. If homegirl ever called me crying, because his 12-man tag team party ran out of lube, I'd immediately drop my pancake sandwich and head on over with a fresh cup of WET for him to borrow. That's what friends are for.

VIA People

Barbara Walters has a book out and in it she covers the lie she had to tell every day on the set of "The View." Everyone knows Star Jones took a wet vac to her fat, but Star claimed for the longest time that she lost the weight from "portion control and pilates."

Babs told Oprah yesterday that Star was so obese that she could barely walk on to the set. I once heard a funny rumor that Star's fat ass couldn't make it to the set without resting, so they placed a chair between her dressing room and the set. HA! I would have moved the chair one day and put a giant pizza in its place.

Babs said, “She decided to have a gastric bypass operation, but then she decided not to tell anybody. Then we had to lie on the set everyday because she said it was portion control and Pilates. Well, we knew it wasn’t portion control and Pilates.”

Babs also talked about Rosie O'Donnell's "emotional issues." She said that Rosie felt she was abandoned by her, because she didn't back her up in Rosie's girl fight with Donald Trump. Babs also said Rosie was used to being in control, "She had always driven the bus and she could not just ride the bus." The short bus!

Unfortunately, Babs didn't give us any juicy gossip on Hasselcrack! I just know that fake bitch is a kinky swinger who's into sploshing.

Star Jones was all smiles as she dined with a new piece in NYC last night. New piece is totally paid for. He has a look on his face like, "I hope the bitch knows I charge by the hour." Yeah, Star. That means stop breaking lenses and get a move on. Your call boy has another client.

You know Gay Al was pissed when he saw these pictures. Star is wearing his special Farrah Fawcett wig! He was saving it one for Halloween and Star knew this. What a bitch!