Donald Trump

Moses and Apple Martin can say "I HATE YOU, GOOP!" in ten different languages and they can make a California Roll from scratch using the avocados in the garden of their Brentwood estate, but they still have nothing on Barron Trump. There's an actual human being on Earth who can get his man servant to hold him high above so he can look down at Goopy Paltrow for being a poor peasant compared to him.

The most gorgeous Trump of all the Trumps, Melania Trump, told ABC News that her 7-year-old son loves wearing suits and he moisturizes with her caviar cream every single night. Barron Trump is just TOO fancy for us.

“He’s not a sweatpants child,” says Trump, 42, of her only child with her husband of eight years, Donald Trump, 66. “He doesn’t mind putting on [a suit]—but not every day— and he likes to dress up in a tie sometimes like Daddy.”

Trump tells ABC News that in addition to dressing her son nicely, she makes sure that he takes care of his skin, slathering him in her eponymous Caviar Complex C6 moisturizer after his nightly bath.

“It smells very, very fresh,” says the businesswoman, who launched the skincare line this week at Lord & Taylor. “I put it on him from head to toe. He likes it!”

So while Goopy and her kids are using caviar to make sushi, Barron Trump is smearing caviar all over her face like a true one percenter. Richie Rich, who?

And I'm just going to choose to believe that Donald Trump isn't the father and Melania had a bareback love affair with her chef, because I refuse to believe that a piece of trash with a face like a pinched anus made Barron Trump.

Ivanka Trump is always working, working, working, working and she says that she works 16 hours most days, but yet she still found time to make a baby. My guess is that Ivanka's husband Jared Kushner rushes into her office in the middle of the day and quickly does her from the back while she's typing an e-mail with one hand and filling out her expense report with the other. So now Ivanka's assistant knows why her expense reports are always sticky and covered in lube and saliva.

Both Page Six and People say that Ivanka and Jared's 20-month-old daughter Arabella Rose is going to get a brother or a sister this fall. A source tells Page Six that Ivanka somehow found the time in between working, working, working, working to tell her friends that she's knocked up.

Ivanka and Jared are currently in the process of designing a swivel rolling labor chair for her office, so she can work work, work, work, work while giving birth.

Anyway, congratulations to Ivanka and Jared's nannies on their upcoming arrival! Also, congratulations to Ivanka and Jared's fetus, because in a few months it'll get to do what everyone in the world wants to do: spit and barf on Donald Trump's ugly face.

And here's the most beautiful Trump of them all, Melania Trump, at the launch of her new skin care line in NYC on Tuesday. Yes, Melania Trump is actually selling a line of skin care products. Is she really trying to make us believe that she uses products on her gorgeous face when we all know that her daily beauty regimen consists of tightening the piano wires that keep her face tight before dipping her mug in a tub of wax? Whatever, Melania is still giving us some cat-faced Sofia Vergara glamour and her eyebrows are a thing of majestic perfection.

When the talking fart bubble out of Jabba the Hutt's ass known as Donald Trump publicly told President Obama that he'd give $5 million to the president's charity of choice if the president produced his college records and shit, Bill Maher jokingly threw a proposition at Trump. On The Tonight Show last month, Bill Maher said that he'd give $5 million to Trump's charity of choice if Trump proved that his mother didn't make him by screwing an orangutan bareback-style. Bill Maher basically said that Trump's hair looks like an orangutan's dirty ass, so he wouldn't be surprised if his biological father was an ape. Makes sense to me!

Donald Trump says that he has coughed up a copy of his birth certificate that says he is the father of Fred Trump, a human person, and Bill Maher hasn't paid up. So Trump filed a lawsuit in L.A. today to get that $5 million. Trump queefed out this statement to Politco:

“I don’t know whether this case will be won or lost, but I felt a major obligation to bring it on behalf of the charities. Bill Maher made an unconditional offer while offer while on The Jay Leno Show and I, without hesitation, accepted his offer and provided him with the appropriate documentation. Prior demands for payment went ignored by Mr. Maher despite the fact that the beneficiaries of this suit will ultimately be the charities […] who would share equally the $5 million — something I am certain they can desperately use."

Trump wants to donate the money to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, American Cancer Society, Hurricane Sandy Victims, March of Dimes and the Police Athletic League. Trump also said on Fox & Friends this morning that he doesn't think Bill Maher was joking when he made the bet. Trump's lawyers couldn't be reached for comment, because their mouths were otherwise occupied with the act of laughing at how he keeps throwing stupid money at them.

In related news, orangutans everywhere have filed a class action lawsuit against Bill Maher for defamation for saying that Donald Trump is part their species. Gloria Allred is representing them and they will win.

I know I was supposed throw a picture of Donald Trump up there, but would you rather look at a picture of a charred dingle stuck on a dog's hairy asshole or would you rather look at a picture of a gold digging Slovenian flower? No, Melania Trump isn't trying to seduce you. Melania is pulled so tight that she can't open her eye holes all the way and she's always hazy in the brain from constantly inhaling the toxic hot air that Trump farts from his pie hole. Anyway...

After RuPaul told Mitt Romney to sashay away, Victoria Jackson (the crazy one, not the make-up mogul one) pulled some "SHE IS NOT A CHRIS-CHEN-UH!" shit and then melted into a puddle of sad tears on the floor of her mental hospital cell. Victoria dug a grave for America next to where her career and sanity is buried. Meanwhile, Donald Trump shat out a whine-filled rant on Twitter (and deleted most of it later). Trump described the election the same way most of us describe his existence: disgusting, a travesty and a sham.

Donald Trump is like a flea bite on your taint and just like a flea bite on your taint, your mother tells you not to scratch it or give it any attention, but you do anyway. Brian Williams scratched at that flea bite on his taint last night when he read a bitch during his election night coverage on NBC. Brian said this about Trump:

“Donald Trump, who has driven well past the last exit to relevance and peered into something closer to irresponsible here, is tweeting tonight."

And of course, Brian's slap down made the mutated hacked up hairball go after him:

@bwilliams knows that I think his newscast has become totally boring so he took a shot at me last night.

The only thing more boring than @bwilliams newscast is his show Rock Center which is totally dying in the ratings—a disaster!

@bwilliams--wouldn't you love to have my ratings?

Donald Trump is only mad, because you know that all night he was sitting at his computer waiting to type "OBAMA, YOU'RE FIRED" and he got shut down. I bet the gorgeous flower Melania Trump is secretly happy that Obama won, because Trump was too busy nailing his haters to nail her. It's always a good day in America for Melania Trump when her husband isn't asking her to slurp on his soggy mini dumpling dick.

Donald Trump shat out his "October Surprise" for Obama yesterday and it turned out to be nothing but a heap of lukewarm shit, which is kind of ironic since I don't think Trump has squatted out a proper caca since the 80s. The stick up his culo gets in the way, so nowadays he just shits through his mouth. But something beautiful has grown out of Trump's piece of trash offer to Obama and that something beautiful is the image of Stephen Colbert dipping his crotch prunes in Trump's sewer hole of a mouth.

On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert gave Trump an offer he shouldn't refuse: Stephen will give $1 million to Trump's charity of choice if he lets Stephen dippeth those nuts into la boca.

"Mr Trump, I will write you a check for $1 million dollars from Colbert Super PAC - you know I've got it - to the charity of your choice. Anything. Save The Children. Feed The Children. Put The Children on Child Apprentice, whatever! One million actual dollars, if you will let me dip my balls in your mouth - one million. But... this dipping, and I hope you're listening very carefully Mr Trump. This dipping has to be to my and more importantly, my balls' satisfaction. One caveat... one caveat. My balls must be in your mouth no later than 5pm October 31st."

I hate politics and I hate this election, but I LOVE nuts in mouths.

This should be a no brainer for Trump (I set that one up for you), because he's a teabagger and everyone knows that you're not an official teabagger until a testicle hair has tickled your tonsils. They do that during the initiation ceremony ("Then why aren't you a teabagger by now, Michael?" - you "Good point." - Me). And this is also sort of fitting, because Donald Trump is an oozing hairy pimple on humanity's nutsack.

And this is the reason why the nutsack condom (it's like a shower cap for your huevos) was invented.

via Digital Spy 

Donald Trump dropped his huge bombshell that was supposed to send the election off the rails, and as expected, it's about as explosive as a flea's follow-up queef. Trump didn't say that Obama's nose swallowed the Lohan powder during his college days. Trump didn't say that the Obamas almost got divorced one time a million years ago. Trump's huge announcement is that he'll write a $5 million check to Obama's charity of choice if the president releases all of his college records, applications and passport stuff. I need that $5 million so I can build a time machine and go back to the 80s to kick my young self in the face for buying the Trump board game at a garage sale.

Obama has until 5pm on Halloween to hand over all those stupid documents or Donald Trump is ripping up that $5 million check. Can the entire $5 million go to the FDTTACSSCOHBEF (Feed Donald Trump To Ann Coulter So She Chokes On His Bloated Ego Foundation), because I might chip in a few coins if it can. This greasy cheese bubble-looking twat.

You shouldn't even bother listening to what that talking merkin has to say. Just watch this video of a fox eating and burying marshmallows instead:

This fox would never EVER blackmail a president.... unless that president had 5 million bags of marshmallows and then he might.

The mutant testicle that was once attached to The Gingerbread Man's crotch said on Fox & Friends the other day that he will drop a huge October Surprise on Wednesday that may change the election and screw with Obama. Melania Trump is also bracing herself for a different kind of October Surprise, because the only time Donald Trump actually cums is when he thinks he's got some dirt on Obama.

Everyone figured that Trump was just going to squat out another empty fart about Obama's birth certificate, but Radar thinks it's something else. Radar says that some dude approached people close to Romney's campaign and offered them information from Obama's college days. The dude claims to have known Obama in college and says that back then the president closely studied foreign relations by snorting the Colombian good shit. The dude also claims that Obama sold cocaine. I guess you gotta pay off those student loans somehow.

The Romney campaign shooed the dude away, because they didn't want that information coming from them. The dude is willing to take a polygraph, but so far nobody is interested in his story. Radar's source explained it like this:

“At first he wanted to do a book. But there just wasn’t enough time before the election. The people he is involved with have produced other credible information that is damaging to national Democratic figures in the past few years.

The operatives close to the Romney campaign believed the man’s story would be the ultimate October Surprise but they got nowhere. People who would have taken the information to the highest levels of Romney’s campaign just wouldn’t touch it. They don’t want their candidate smeared with this type of activity.”

So the dude might've dropped this not-so-scandalous information into Donald Trump's lap and now Trump is planning to use it. But just like what a stick of dynamite did right before the picture above was taken, this October Surprise will blow up in his face. Calling Obama a cokehead will lead to Obama winning the coveted Lindsay Lohan vote, which will lead to him winning the entire election! Chop this election up into 3 neat lines and snort it up with Obama, because it's done.

And I really hope that rogue hair on the left eventually got away from Trump's head.

If you were hoping that Lifetime would put down the crack pipe (a Lohan family heirloom) and come to their senses by casting their queen Meredith Baxter-Birney as Elizabeth Taylor in their basic cable biopic, you wasted all your hopes on that shit. Because Lifetime made it official last night by announcing that Lindsay Lohan, who isn't even hot enough to play Rip Taylor in a movie, will take on the role of La Liz in Liz & Dick (which you shouldn't confuse with the title of LiLo's upcoming memoirs, Lez & Dick).

Lifetime's VP of Programming, Rob Sharenow, queefed out a press release to Deadline and in it he made it perfectly clear that his thoughts are powered by White Oprah's ass farts. Think of all the words you'd use to describe LiLo (examples: haggard, beat, whory, etc..) Well, Rob used the opposite of those words:

Lindsay Lohan is set to star as the legendary Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime Original Movie Liz & Dick, based on the true story of the screen icon’s historic romance with actor Richard Burton. Principal photography on the movie will begin in early June in Los Angeles, it was announced today by Rob Sharenow, Executive Vice President, Programming, of Lifetime Networks.

Regarding the announcement, Lohan said, “I have always admired and had enormous respect for Elizabeth Taylor. She was not only an incredible actress but an amazing woman as well. I am very honored to have been asked to play this role.”

“We are thrilled Lindsay will portray beloved Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor,” added Sharenow. “She is one of the rare actresses who possesses the talent, beauty and intrigue to capture the spirit of such a provocative icon.”

Many hos (including your memaw who will definitely call you up after watching this mess to ask, "Why did The Albino from Princess Bride play Elizabeth Taylor?") aren't happy about this and one of those hos is Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O was one of the heads, along with Star Jones and Donny Deutsch, on the Today show's cerberus of terror this morning and she let it be known that she's turning her thumb down to this shit:

Rosie: I feel very sorry for her. I think she needs a lot of time away. She's had a lot of trouble doing every single movie including SNL. She was out and not in rehearsal. I think she's not in a place to work."

Star: I used to think she was extremely talented, but I have not seen enough of her as an actress in recent years to really make an evaluation.

Donnie: It's a great idea. She's our generation's Elizabeth Taylor. The only one-

Rosie: You're out of your mind! You're a crackhead! Get out of here! The last thing she did good she was 16! ......I don't think she's right for the role and I don't think she's capable at this point of doing what is needed to portray that character.

I know the story here should be that some of us need to take a group Silkwood Shower together since we've been tainted with the feeling of actually agreeing with Star and Rose, but the real story here is that Donny Douche hates Elizabeth Taylor as much as Lifetime does.

Size queens, update your files, because Mark Ruffalo was overheard telling a bunch of journalists at a roundtable for The Avengers that he's about as hung as a Waterpik and that your clit could probably pin down his peen in a wrestling march. Mark had to wear a taint-suffocating motion capture suit to play The Hulk and apparently it made his crotch look like an earthworm wearing a leotard. HuffPo says this is what Mark told everyone about his dick situation:

"Yes, and that was my first day and that was a miserable day. It was smoky, it was hell and I felt really uncomfortable. I’m not well-endowed, and those suits don’t really show you off in the most…"

This news should really get the "WHO CARES" stamp, because who really does care if you have to suck in with your coochie so his pinky dick doesn't slip out and who cares that you can suck on his entire peen while licking his b-hole at the same time. You're still humping on Mark Fucking Ruffalo! Sometimes it's all about the piece and less about the piece's piece. Take Donald Trump's gross, ugly, disgusting ass for instance....

The Trump called into TMZ yesterday to talk about letting Hot Slut inductee and transgender beauty queen Jenna Talackova back into the Miss Universe pageant. Miss Universe agreed to let Jenna back in after she proved that she's legally a female by showing them her passport and other documents. Gloria Allred is representing Jenna (of course) and held one of her fame whore press conferences where she said that it's wrong for Miss Universe to ask for proof since nobody has asked Donald Trump to take off his pants to prove he's got a peen. Donald said that if he took off his chonies in front of Gloria, she'd be impressed by his "manhood."

The Trump's junk must be big, because it's making me gag up a vom ball and I've never even seen it. But this just proves my point. Who would you rather? Mark Ruffalo or a bloated, fart-filled swamp frog with a big dick and comb over pubes? You'd probably pick the hung swamp frog since you're a pig slut with no standards!

So if The Trump is telling the truth about his big fat dick (which you know he's not), then he's a pain in the ass in more ways than one.

In a hospital suite somewhere in Manhattan, a newborn baby is learning about one of the world's grossest mysteries for the very first time. I'm talking about the hairy barf ball on Donald Trump's head. Because Donald's oldest daughter Ivanka Trump birthed out her and her husband's first baby in NYC yesterday. When Ivanka was born, Donald threw a "ka" after her mother's name, Ivana, so I hoped she would do the same thing by naming her daughter Ivankaka. That didn't happen. On Fox & Friends (via Gossip Cop) this morning, Donald gave up the name of his latest grandchild.

“I just left the hospital… The baby is beautiful and her name is Arabella Rose.”

"....and don't worry, I saw the birth certificate. Ba da bump."

Now, can we fast forward into the future to see the fried shit look on Jabba the Trump's face when his granddaughter Arabella Rose announces that she and her lesbian lover Vivienne Rose O'Donnell have decided to name their first born Obama Rosie O'Donnell Trump.