Donald Trump

In a hospital suite somewhere in Manhattan, a newborn baby is learning about one of the world's grossest mysteries for the very first time. I'm talking about the hairy barf ball on Donald Trump's head. Because Donald's oldest daughter Ivanka Trump birthed out her and her husband's first baby in NYC yesterday. When Ivanka was born, Donald threw a "ka" after her mother's name, Ivana, so I hoped she would do the same thing by naming her daughter Ivankaka. That didn't happen. On Fox & Friends (via Gossip Cop) this morning, Donald gave up the name of his latest grandchild.

“I just left the hospital… The baby is beautiful and her name is Arabella Rose.”

"....and don't worry, I saw the birth certificate. Ba da bump."

Now, can we fast forward into the future to see the fried shit look on Jabba the Trump's face when his granddaughter Arabella Rose announces that she and her lesbian lover Vivienne Rose O'Donnell have decided to name their first born Obama Rosie O'Donnell Trump.

Donald Trump and the producers of Celebrity Apprentice are wrong for making us sit through all 666 hours of last night's finale without delivering at least one quote of wisdom from the bump on my log (that didn't sound right) Dionne Atwarwithallthosehussieswick! As pretty much expected, Jabba the Trump (SPOILER ALERT) fired Marlee Matlin and burped out that John Rich was the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. How do you say "fuck this shit" in sign language? You know who would know? Dionne Warwick! But she was M.I.H.H.A. (missing in hussy hating action)!

Donald Trump never explained why the true star of the show wasn't at the finale. Nobody brought it up! They didn't even cut to a live stream of crusty old Dionne huffing at the lukewarm madness from the comfort of her stained La-Z-Boy in her TV room. There was no mention of the grouchy bat who gave that show life! That's like going to a Catholic mass where the priest never brings up Jesus' name!

When Trump asked everyone who should win, I really needed to see Grandma Dionne lower her shades and throw a coward-killing cut eye while saying, "None of these trollops! Now where's that hot supper I was promised?" When Star Jones accused NeNe Leakes of attacking all the black females on the show, I really needed Dionne to pull a switch out of her extra-large cardigan pocket and spook the silence into both of those hyena heffahs. When Marlee, John Rich and a chorus of signing children performed a cheese-jerker of a song, I really needed Dionne to slap one of those kids on the head after thinking they were flipping her off.

Beautiful bitchy moments. That's what Dionne is for...and sadly she wasn't there to provide any.

Doing what his father should've done 64 years ago, Donald Trump has pulled out of something! No, I don't mean that. If Donald Trump didn't exist on this planet, then I wouldn't know of the Slovenian peach Melania Trump and the hussy-hating ways of Dionne Warwick. Donald Trump is good at giving the world what it really wants: reality show crazies and gold digging beauties. And now he'll continue to devote all of his time to those two gifts since he has announced that his fake presidential campaign has come to an end.

Trump made the announcement at the same time NBC announced that Celebrity Apprentice will be back. Imagine that.

"After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector."

THANK GOD! Now I don't have to spend another sleepless night worrying about whether my vote is going to go to a bull frog's full colostomy bag or Jimmy "The Rent Is Too Damn High" McMillan!

via CNN

At last night's White House Correspondents dinner, basic cable reality stars (see: Sarah Palin), actors of The CW (see: Ian Somerhalder) and half-shaven comedic teddy bears (see: Zach Galifnotgoingtogooglerightnow) sprayed their pits with fancy water to nibble on overcooked filet mignon and flambe their creme brulee desserts on the hot flame that shot out of Donald Trump's dehydrated hairy toad asshole when Obama verbally double slapped him in the mouth over and over again. Watching a direct descendant of one of Jaba the Hutt's hemorrhoids sit there with a mad scowl on his face is what would consider as feel good porn. Trump got trumped and I'm sure even the lone sparkle in my rhinestone heart named Melania Trump let out a laugh or two. Melania later told her sugar daddy that she wasn't laughing, she was letting out a Slovenian boo.

As Obama poked at Trump with a LOL stick for that birth certificate ridiculousness, he just sat there with constipated smile on his face and squirmed like Melania whenever he gives her the "it's about that time to fulfill paragraph 5, line 10 of your marriage contract" sex look. I mean, the dumb douche could've let out a fake laugh or two to show that he's sort of a good sport, but he just had himself a pouty party for one instead. I really can't wait to see how the Trump responds. He already used all of his "miserable fat cow" lines on Rosie O'Donnell, so I'm sure he'll just say that Obama tells jokes like a Kenyan.

Click here if you want to see Obama's full act (and click here for Seth Meyers' speech).

And here's a few pictures of who put oxygen masks over their face as Trump got roasted. In order: Salma Hayek with her husband Francois-Henri Pinault, Zach Galifakanakakaisisis, Trump with Melania, Paula Abdul, Shaun White, Joan Rivers, Amy Poehler with friend, Anna Paquin with Beeeehl, Ian Somerhalder, Briston Palin, Jane Lynch with her wife Dr. Lara Embry, Cee-Lo Green, Sarah Palin, Rachel Maddow,

Since Joey Lawrence and Donald Trump both have puzzling hairlines that even the most skilled engineers and 5th graders can't solve, they have to stick together until the end. So it's no surprise that Joey Lawrence is publicly endorsing a rotisserie gutter toad who collects bankruptcies the same way he collects hair plugs. For absolutely no reasonable reason, ">Fox News (via HuffPo) asked the supporting star of Blossom and weight: bold;">Gimme a Break for his thoughts on Trump possibly running for president. The writers of Blossom would've kept his answer to a simple "WHOAH!" but Joey has a mind of his own so he got into this shit.

“Obama was something fresh, and new, and people wanted to put their faith in his message of being different and 'change' and all this stuff two years ago, but that fell flat because he gets in there and it's pretty much the same old thing. I think everybody can agree on that, there's no real change. It would just be nice to see him make speeches instead of Hillary (Clinton) and Timothy Geithner and all these other people. Something's not working; definitely the approach we're taking is not working.

He (Obama) is already fundraising, and we have serious problems. Gasoline is going to be six dollars a gallon by the end of the summer. They want to raise the debt ceiling, and we have a trillion and a half dollars already in debt. I don't know if that's the right thing. I don't know if raising a billion dollars to re-run is the right thing to do right now.

I'd be open to Donald. He's somebody out of the box and I think that some of the stuff he's saying makes sense. It sounds like you and I would say it, and it's time. I'm tired of 'so politically correct' every step of the way. It's like there are times when we need to say, 'We're getting our rear ends kicked, we are the world leader, we need to step up and act like it.'

Everyone is so afraid to say anything. I keep my political views private; I think that's the best way to do it. But I have no problem calling a spade a spade. I think Donald is an interesting character. He's an amazing CEO, this is a business. This is a business, running this country is a business and it has not been run the last decade the right way, whether it's Republican or Democrat, so it's not really a party issue, it's more of a person issue. Somebody has to get in there and really hold people accountable.

I love politics. I love the country. Maybe I would (go into politics,) I don't know. It's what I minored in at school, political science.”

You can laugh all you want, but I've always known that the song in a bald eagle's heart sounds just like Joey Lawrence's "Stay Forever."

If only Nell Carter was here to wrap her arms around Joey's wise words. She'd pat him on the back so hard that he'd fall into a giant fish tank and she'd "accidentally" vacuum him up. And really, we know Joey Lawrence is only endorsing The Don, because Trump promised that if he's president he'll lift the tax from lip gloss, hairline stencils and brow waxing kits.

Furthermore, the only 90s sitcom star I get political advice from is Pam from Martin and here's what she has to say about Trump 4 President:

I've grown TIRED Trump & want him 2 go far AWAY. Sum1 PLEASE snatch that squirrel on his head & RUN so he can chase u. AAAAGH!

I mean, she even uses "snatch" and "squirrel" in the same Tweet. Pam 4 Secretary of EVERYTHING!

President Obama held a press conference this morning where he called the whole birth certificate thing a "sideshow circus" and then he did what Diane Sawyer should've done to Whitney Houston those many years ago: HE SHOWED THE RECEIPTS! Or in this case, he showed the long form of his birth certificate.

Once the first lady of my dreams Melania Trump awakens from her beauty coma and tosses the solid gold sheets off of her gorgeous body, I'm sure she'll have something to say about this! But in the meantime, we'll have to settle for what Trump, whose hair was born on a lion's ass in Kenya, had to say about this:

"Today I'm very proud of myself, because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I want to look at it, but I hope it's true. ... But he should have done it a long time ago."

Strangely enough, Melania Trump said those exact words after she caught a glimpse of Trump's natural hairline during a windstorm.

And now that this is done (I think), can the birthers please use their powers for a greater cause? I'm talking about getting Prince Hot Ginge to release his birth certificate. And by "birth certificate" I mean "penis."

via HuffPo

You know that politics give me nipple calluses, so I've been pretty much "whatever" about Donald Trump's need to see President Obama's birth certificate even though we haven't seen Trump's natural complexion or hairline in centuries. However, now I'm feeling the opposite of "whatever" (but I'll go back to feeling "whatever" after this post until Melania speaks again) because Melania Trump, the most glamorous woman named Melania Trump, has spoken out about the birth certificate issue, and guess what?! Melania is siding with the sugar pappy husband who keeps her skin slathered in liquid gold! TWIST!

While peddling her jewelry line for QVC (too. perfect.) on Joy Behar's CNN show, Melania said that her husband has a "genius' mind" and would make an excellent president. Joy then brought up the birth certificate issue and made a few points, but Melania pretty much repeated the same phrase I shout at men I've just met: SHOW IT!!!! Clip below:

I could watch the 2:26 mark on a loop all the way through Easter.

I used to think that Donald Trump was only capable of holding the position of President of M.I.A. Hairlines, but my mind is changing now that Gary Busey has announced that he will actively campaign if Trump runs for President! Fresh off his Celebrity Apprentice firing, the real life Drop Dead Fred gave his reasons for why he's voting for Trump and ended it with one of his signature Buseyisms. Trump just needs Amanda the Receptionist's stamp of approval and his White House (aka "The Gold and Onyx House" when Melania Trump gets done with it) dreams will definitely come true! (Cut to the Trump for President polls dropping faster than my patience whenever Gary opens his mouth.)

Besides, you have to side with a man who gives interviews to blogs in front of a bed at the La Quinta Inn & Suites. TRUMP/BUSEY 2012!

via Buzzfeed

As some of you may have already dry heaved to, Donald Trump is going around saying that he's considering running for President of the United States in 2012 (Can I campaign for Melania Trump as the next first lady while campaigning against Trump 2012?). Trump was on Today this morning to talk about the possibility of throwing the whore pit viper nest on his head into the ring and how he believes that Obama is nothing but Lilly Dillon in a suit because he has conned us all (insert a picture of Detective La Toya lifting up her monocle). Yup, Trump is a member of the BM.

Whatever thoughts I thought I had about Trump 2012 were torched away and replaced with Bill Cosby's "tuck that bitch in" face when he was also interviewed on Today this morning.

The pepaw treasure who taught me how to love snack pudding was on the show to discuss education stuff and Meredith Vieira just had to bring up Trump's name. Bill Cosby made the same face I made the first time I laid eyes on Olivia's nibbled on brows. If Bill's eyes could spit, they would've. Bill said that Meredith needs to take Trump home and that the only thing he's running is his mouth! This is the kind of grouchy old coot shit I live for! Hear ye, hear ye!

Right? If Bill Cosby wasn't secretary of the United States of Sexual Assault, I'd ask you to rent out office space for the "Hussies 4 Cosby/Warwick 2012" campaign headquarters.

During the Patriots vs. Jets game last night, the freshly whipped meringue of stale hair on Donald Trump's prune head hypnotized the camera for a few seconds. It was in the spirit and trying to do the wave but the dude on its right failed to keep it going. Sad. You know what else is sad? That Trump's "on the verge of flight" hair reminds me of a lonely plastic bag trying to freely dance in the wind but can't due to a half-empty pack of Nutter Butters anchoring it down. It wants to be like that scene in American Beauty. Depressing. It's like Trump's scalp tried to fire his follicles but they refused to go IN THIS ECONOMY. Depressing times two. On a happy note, at least Trump's hairline finally got some fucking oxygen.

via IDLYITW