Kate Winslet

Kate Winslet is currently screaming "I'm the Queen of the woooooorld" while spinning on the crotch of Richard Branson's nephew Ned RocknRoll, but before she was doing that she was rubbing her shit all over British hot piece Louis Dowler. The uretha in Louis' heart (yes, we have urethra in our hearts, ask your doctor) was ejaculating hearts over Kate Winslet, but apparently she wasn't feeling the same. When they went on what was supposed to be a romantic holiday trip to Richard Branson's Necker Island, not only did a fire kill one of the villas, but Kate and Louis' relationship also died a quick death that weekend. Kate met that RocknRoll bitch and she quickly dropped Louis on his hot, succulent ass. It's been three months since Kate quit Louis for RocknRoll and he tells the Daily Mail that he's still crying out tears onto his pecs and slathering the wetness all over his nipples (yes, I'm sure that's what he does):

"I don’t think Kate behaved well and it is still very raw for me. I was in love with her and you can’t switch that off overnight. I’m not sure Kate treated me well. Kate came home with me to Cornwall and we just hung out together. She met my parents and family. I thought we were inseparable. I certainly haven’t found anyone else since. I don’t want to go into details but it wasn’t a straightforward break-up. I’m a laid-back guy, so I am not walking around with a long face — but I do still hold a torch for her."

Who knew that Kate Winslet is a heartless, man-eating, shameless heart-stomping cunt slut? I think I love her now! But before I join the Kate Winslet Is A Man-Eating SCRAG BITCH fan club, I should help Louis during this difficult time. I'll put on a Kate Winslet mask, strap two pizza dough mounds to my chicken chest and let him get some closure on....my no-no. It's the human thing to do.

Trying to prove that the stick that's permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen's head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch's sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma's old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.

Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she's serving up organic caca souffle. But I'm sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy's stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw's table runner. Move on...

Here's a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:

Paula Abdul who I'm assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.

Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.

The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.

Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.

Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!

TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!

Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don't make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly's prom dress.

Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.

Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it's made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don't know if Jennifer's sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).

Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must've had a case of the shies last night.

Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.

Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.

Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.

Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.

Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.

Kate Winslet who is there.

And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!

That sound of an iceberg breaking off and falling into the ocean you hear is actually Nicole Kidman trying to raise a brow over what Kate Winslet said to The Telegraph recently. 35-year-old Kate says that she, Rachel Weisz and Emma Thompson have formed of group of superhero actresses who are dropping kicking the plastic surgeon's scalpel and shooting bullets through silicone titty sacks, because turning their bodies into a frozen tundra of zero emotion is against their "morals." Kate Winslet's alleged original nose hummed out the melody to "Don't You Forget About Me" while she, Rachel and Emma said this:

“I will never give in,” vows Winslet. “It goes against my morals, the way that my parents brought me up and what I consider to be natural beauty.”

Winslet, who is the daughter of “jobbing actors” from Berkshire, adds: “I am an actress, I don’t want to freeze the expression of my face.”

Her comments echo those by Thompson, to whom she has been close since they appeared together in Sense and Sensibility in 1995. “I’m not fiddling about with myself,” said Thompson, 52. “We’re in this awful youth-driven thing now where everybody needs to look 30 at 60.”

Weisz, 41, for her part, has said her natural beauty is an asset. “People who look too perfect don’t look sexy or particularly beautiful,” said the Oscar-winning star of The Constant Gardener, who married Daniel Craig this year.

Okay...and? You can close your open palm, Kate, because nobody's going to get a step ladder to climb up to your high horse and give you a gold star.

Really, what's this "morals" crap? Stretching your face until you're barely recognizable doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a bad person to look at sometimes. If a Meg Ryan type wants to transform her face into Howard the Duck as seen through eyes of Picasso, who am I to judge? Yes, I'll make fun of her until my fingers go sore just like I'm making fun of Kate for standing at the altar of self-righteousness as the choir sings out "thiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiitch."

It's really not that serious. If you want to fuck with your face, fuck with your face. If you don't want to fuck with your face, don't fuck with your face. If you want to type the beautiful word fuck four times in two sentences, then type the beautiful word fuck four times in two sentences.

The Inception 2: The Dark Knight Rises trailer leaked this week, but the one trailer that has got me pressing the replay button like it's a G-spot is the one for Steven Soderbergh's unintentional (or totally intentional) remake of Outbreak called Contagion. Shit is about what would happen if a bird flu (probably from THIS bird) murdered most of the planet's population and blah..blah...blah. But way more importantly, we get to sit back and watch GOOP floppity flop flop to her death! To help Fishsticks get to that place, Steven Soderbergh told her to imagine Apple trying to cook a Stouffer's pizza in the wood-burning outdoor pizza oven in her garden. Aaaaand action!

Birds: 1 Fishies: 0

In London last night, Kate Winslet showed off her new-ish piece Louis Dowler (who might have come from the same batch as Gabriel Aubry) by taking his ass out for dinner and boozing. Apparently, Kate and Louis have been dating since May. Kate quickly picked up Louis, who writes MODEL TYPE next to occupation on his tax forms, after she filed for divorce from Sam Mendes.

Yes, Louis looks like he spent all day brushing his locks and meticulously styling that outfit in a three-way mirror, but who cares as long as he's making Kate's vagina declare itself the queen of the world while riding on the tip of his peen.

And here's a picture from a few months ago of Louis' nipples catching wind:

To be honest, I'm most jealous of Kate's daughter in that pic. Riding in a rickshaw around the city is the way to go. If only it had a cup holder and a spritzer fan. It also wouldn't hurt if Kate was wearing a flat-screen TV backpack.

Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes have gone their separate ways after 7 years of marriage. Kate and Sam quietly broke up earlier this year after they realized their love died when they moved to the suburbs of Connecticut. Why didn't they just go to Paris?! Why did Kate have to try to abort her own baby?! WHY?! WHY?! Note: That's the plot of a movie, that isn't real-life. I think.

Kate and Sam issued this diplomatic statement through a lawyer:

"Kate and Sam are saddened to announce that they separated earlier this year. The split is entirely amicable and is by mutual agreement. Both parties are fully committed to the future joint parenting of their children."　

Just because Kate Winslet broke up with her husband doesn't mean she's going to dive to the bottom of the ocean to grab Leonardo DiCaprio's hand and bring him back to shore with her so they can live happily ever after. That shit was jut a movie! Yes, Kate and Leo are always dry humping on each other at awards shows, but that doesn't mean anything. They are just best girlfriends. Besides, Leonardo DiCatchaho only dates women he can order through the Sports Illustrated catalog.

Robert Pattinson showed up to the BAFTAs in London last night looking like he accidentally grabbed the lube bottle instead of the bottle of Dep gel. We've all made that mistake before (just nod like you mean it), but this is absolutely dreadful. It's like his scalp is crying greasy hair tears. Maybe this is the result of his allergic reaction to vaginas. I mean, James Cameron was there.

RPattz could've at least thrown a Bumpit in there for a little height. The sparkle vamp isn't the same unless he looks like he just chewed on a live wire. Hopefully, this is just a one-time fuck up and the unicorns will be back soon to frolic. Moving on...

Everyone seems to think that the big surprise of the BAFTAs was that The Hurt Locker won a bunch of shit. But to me, the biggest surprise was that Kristen Stewart actually won something, and it wasn't for Best Impersonation of a Cardboard Cutout.

Here's some of the winners last night, click here for a full list.

Best Film: The Hurt Locker
Outstanding British Film: Fish Tank
Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Best Original Screenplay: Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker
Best Adapted Screenplay: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner, Up In The Air
Best Actor: Colin Firth, A Single Man
Best Actress: Carey Mulligan, An Education
Best Supporting Actor: Chrisoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
Best Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique, Precious
Rising Star: Kristen Stewart

And here's a few pictures of the winners, losers and those who were just there for a free gift bag. They are: RPattz, Carey Mulligan, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Gabourey Sidibe, Guy Pearce, two late-in-life lesbians in love, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers with his girlfriend Reena, Kate Winslet, Clive Owen with Kathryn Bigelow, Kristen Stewart, Matt Dillon, Loki's true soulmate with his fiance Elena, Prince Willy and Tom Ford.

When Sally Farmiloe, the Chicken Cutlets of Britain, arrived at the BAFTAs in London tonight, every whore in that joint should have gone home. It was done as soon as Sally hit the red carpet. They should have bestowed all the awards on her and called it a night. Seriously, this is how you show you up to a fucking event. You put on your finest sparkles and throw your dignity in the trash! This is how it's done. And it's also nice to see that Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" wig has a found a new home on Sally's head.

I wasn't joking when I said that all those whores should have quit that bitch when Sally arrived, because there was a whole lot of fug on that damn red carpet. It looks like a dump truck dropped trash all over that shit. Bitches looked beat! Below is a few pictures of the raggedy ass hos of the BAFTAs. Goldie Hawn is looking like she needs to take a good, long 2-hour fart. Actually, she might have let one out and Daniel Craig's piece got a good whiff of it, because she's smelling something nasty.

And the look on Penny Cruz's face in thumbnail #4 is the same face I've been making every time Kate Winslet wins something and goes on and on about how surprised she is. It's the "Bitch, stop acting like you don't win shit" face.

Apparently, Kate Winslet and her husband Sam Mendes both had some fucked up travel experiences. Sam was supposed to be on American Airlines flight 77 on 9/11. A month later, Kate was on a flight with her daughter Mia and then-husband Jim Threapleton when a man claimed to be a terrorist and started shouting that everyone was going to die. Because of this, Kate and Sam don't fly together.

They are both afraid that if they are both on the same flight and the plane crashes, their kid Joe will be completely orphaned.

A spokeswhore for the two told the Daily Mail, "Where possible, Kate and Sam do prefer to travel in separate planes. It is not always possible but, for obvious reasons regarding the children, they do travel separately when they can."

After reading this, I wondered if they also eat from the same chicken in case of Salmonella. Or if they never hold hands while walking down the street in case of lightning. Basically, I called them a bunch of paranoid bitches. But then I had to check myself because I remembered the crazy shit I do to make sure that I never leave Rojo Caliente without a #1 fangirl (me).

I can't use a blender while alone, because I'm afraid some evil doer is going to come up behind me and force my hand into the blades. I've learned how to vacuum backwards with my face to the door at all times. I've gotten used to showering with nobody else around. Mostly because if someone busts in, seeing my naked body would temporarily burn their eyes (because of its intense beauty, of course), so I'd be able to whip them with some anal beads and run for safety.

Here's Kate at the SAG Awards last night. She won Best Supporting Actress for that pedo Nazi movie.

Two amazing things happened last night during the Best Actress shit at the Golden Globes. The first was when a stoned ass Cameron Diaz fucked up Saint Angelina's name. I almost felt a little "like" in my no-heart for Cameron. ALMOST. I would've liked her fully if she said "Brangelina Jolie" or "Anist...Angelina Jolie."

The second amazing moment came when a blubbering Kate Winslet accepted her award for that movie about fighting in the suburbs while wearing old timey clothes. You know, I was wasted while watching this shit last night and now that I'm sober, her speech is a million times more annoying. Bitch is acting like she swam the Atlantic Ocean and then directly ran from New York to the Golden Globe stage. All breathless and shit. It's a damn Shiny Titty Award. Not an Oscar! Take a hit from Cameron's bong and mellow out. I wanted Marky Mark to turn the hose on her. Drama queen. However, I forgive her for all of that, because when she was calling out all the losers in her category, she said "Oh God! Who's the other one? Angelina!" HAHAHAHA! This is why God created Kate Winslet. The camera shot to Saint Angie who smiled and held her hands together in a very Disney villainess-like way. She was thinking, "The things I have planned for you, my pretty..." Brangelina showing up to awards shows and getting snubbed every time never gets old! The world will pay for this I'm sure!

Here's drama queen Kate Winslet (YAY!) and her husband last night. And also some pictures of Brad Pitt and "The Other One." The Other One should keep her hair down more often. It makes her look less like an elderly and malnourished praying mantis. And my abuelita had some sunglasses just like Brad Pitt's when she got her cataracts done, because she didn't like the shades they gave her ass. Of course, my abuelita wore them better.