Kate Beckinsale

The Cannes Film Festival started tonight with a big premiere for Robin Hoody Hoo, and Kate Beckinsale, who isn't even in that mess, showed up thinking she was the fanciest Barbie Cake at the party. No girl no. If you're a Barbie Cake, then nobody wants a slice and we'll stick with the sheet cake from Costco.

You know how pissed off I would be if I was sitting in that theater and Kate sat next to me with her big ass dress. Tulle knocking the straw in my extra large coke! Tulle getting in my popcorn! Tulle blocking my view of Russell Crowe's bulge on the big screen! Tulle ruining my life! If bitch wants to look like the aftermath of a swan massacre then she needs to stand in the back out of everyone's way.

Or maybe Kate was smart and ripped that Kleenex orgy off revealing a pair of Body Glove biker shorts underneath. But she isn't, so you know she effed up somebody's viewing experience.

Anyway, here's some other hos from tonight's premiere. In order: Kate's annoying ass, Cate Blanchett, Russell Crowe with his wife, Salma Hayek, Helen Mirren, Eva "WHY ARE YOU THERE?" Longoria, Hofit Golan, Benicio Del Toro, Gael Garcia Bernal, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Aishwarya Rai.

Look at this adorable puppy. Don't you just want to have him surgically attached to your heart so that he never ever leaves you? Well, his owner, Kate Beckinsale, doesn't feel the same way, because she left him in her car for hours while she went to get her hair done. That's what the paps claim anyway.

They say that while Kate was inside the Byron Tracy Salon in L.A., her dog sat in the car with all the windows up and without water. Kate must have learned that trick from reading "How to Care For Your New Puppy by Michael Vick (with foreword by Cruella de Vil)".

If this is true, then why would bitches just standing around while the puppy baked in the damn sun?! All they would have to do is scream, "PUPPEH ABUZE," and Annemarie Lucas from Animal Precinct would've parachuted in to take care of this situation. Annemarie would've yanked Kate out of the salon, threw her into the car and forced her to stay in there while her puppy enjoyed a loooooooong day of beauty inside the salon.

Kate Beckinsale has refused to show her bare ass in her new movie "Whiteout." It's not because she's shy or has a hairy ass. Kate seems think her ass is just too fat for the big screen. What ass?! Yeah, it's fucking gigantic. She makes Kim Kardashian's ass look a surfboard.

According to the Daily Mail, Kate made the producers hire a $2,000 a day booty double. They should have tricked Kate's crazy ass and hired Kim Kardashian as her booty double.

A source on the movie said, "Kate has a terrible self-image. She thinks she is fat and she is always complaining how certain outfits make her bottom look big. Of course, the reality is that she has the most amazing body. The script called for her character to be filmed nude in a shower, focusing in on her bottom and thighs. Kate insisted on a double being hired. She was quite open on the set about not liking her body and said she particularly loathed her bottom and was not comfortable baring it."

Hopefully, she's one of those chicks that says shit like "I'm so fat," just so people can coo over them and say, "No, you're not!!! You're pefect." If not, then she's fucking certifiable.

Kate Beckinsale can't cook worth shit, but she said that doesn't really matter since she's excellent when it comes to sexay times. Put Kate in the "bitches who love themselves way too much" file.

The dumb fuck told Glamour Magazine, "I’m the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can’t be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. I’d rather he didn’t order in the sex.”

Did we suddenly wake up in the 1950s? Don't get me wrong, I'd suck Nutella off Kate's toes, but she really needs to shut the hell up. If she's so amazing when it comes to fucking, she should go film a sex tape with her hunky ass husband and upload it to Xtube right away. Let me be the judge.

VIA The Sun

Kate Beckinsale can be really hot sometimes. She's usually broccoli boring, but then she says shit like "she would rather eat vagina than sushi." She also is not afraid to dress like a high-class call girl for dinner and I can appreciate that. I love everything from her fake horse man to her expensively cheap dress. Kate and her husband joined Posh and Becks at STK in West Hollywood last night. The waiter should have brought her a plate of pussy.

And just for shits, below are some pictures of Fred Savage, his pregnant wife and the hot homo from "American Gladiators" at the same restaurant.

Kate Beckinsale really hates sushi. Kate recently told a magazine that she would rather eat pussy than eat sushi.

Moviefone asked her to elaborate and she said, "I have to say, sushi freaks me out more than almost anything. At least a vagina would be warm. My publicist has literally turned a funny color and is going to go have a lie-down. He's throwing up now, as well. I find a lot of things kind of funny and I often say what's on my mind, and then get nine texts from all my friends going, 'What's the matter with you?' But I haven't ever made a big attempt to have any particular image. And I don't really worry about it."

Sounds to me like bitch has been eating some rank ass sushi. She's alone on this one. At least sushi doesn't squirt lady juice all over your mouth. Sushi also doesn't get yeast infections. Have you seen yeast infection tongue? Barf.

Kate Beckinsale told People that she had a little trouble with her pussy while getting ready for the SAG Awards last night. Kate said, "Our cat [Clive] caught fire on a candle. As I was getting ready, there was like 'whoosh' a fireball and he went up like a rocket." She then laughed about it.

What a bitch! Burning pussy is no joke! Clive should set hers on fire and see how she likes it. Kate said Clive is fine, but the smell of "burnt cat" is stinking up their house. Burnt cat probably smells better than the usual Beckinsale household scent of desperation and doucheness. Her husband is pretty foxy though.

Kate Beckinsale took her daughter to Kitson yesterday and thankfully didn't drown her face in Wet N' Wild cosmetics like she did the other day. God, this is lame. I apologize for the lameness of this. I'm off to drown my face in Wet N' Wild cosmetics.

Kate Beckinsale and her hot husband take their daughter, Lily, to work the corners on Christmas eve. Hey, nobody gets a free ride in the Beckinsale household! Seriously though, if you're going to put make-up on your brat don't make them look like a Tijuana hooker. All she's missing is the corona bottle for "tricks" and a bad case of genital warts.

Source: ICYDK