Right after her second baby came out of her body, Jessica Alba wanted her stomach to be as flat as her acting skills again, so she wrapped two girdles around her body and suffocated her stomach night and day for three months straight. MiserAlba was extra MiserAlba. Yes, her internal organs are shaped like crepes now and she had to scrape the girdle butter off her torso every night, but at least she's got a flat stomach again! MiserAlba told Net-a-Porter:
“It was brutal; it’s not for everyone. I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”
A double corset night and day? Does that mean ho even wore that rib crusher when she was doing fuck times with her man? Trying to get off while your organs are getting crushed and you're trying to breathe does not sound like a good time. Just thinking about that crap makes me want to rub my gut while eating a Popeye's drumstick dipped in mashed potatoes and gravy. Bitch is crazy. But really, we all know that the only thing she had wrapped around her stomach were bandages after getting a tummy tuck lipo special.
Here's Jessica in the Caribbean a few weeks ago.
The former miserable bump on a bitch who could turn the world off with her snarl (I miss THAT MiserAlba) baptized her brand new shiny baby daughter Haven (above with Honor) into the tabloid kingdom by presenting her in front of Not OK! Magazine's cameras for a quick check. And during her talk about babies with OK, Jessica Alba just had to get into the details of why she and her husband Coins Warren gave their daughter the name they gave her. Warning: If you're eating shrimp wonton soup for lunch, and a shot of fish broth just hit the back of your throat after you bit into a wet dough bag, you might want to save this story for never.
"When I delivered Haven she was born still inside the amniotic sac, which is rare. The doctor had never seen anything like it before. He grabbed the nurse and said: 'Look at this!' I was in the middle of pushing and he told me to hold on a minute and not to push! He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and said: 'Oh I have to get my scrubs on for this!' The sac burst on its own after she came out. It was a trip.
When I was in recovery we still hadn't chosen her name. Cash picked her up and said she came into the world in her 'safe haven' and it clicked right then for both of us."
Couldn't MiserAlba just lie to us and say that she named her baby friend after that SyFy show or that staring into the STAINS eyeballs of James Haven hypnotized her into going with that name. Honestly, Sac Burst would've been a better name than Haven.
via Digital Spy
After going through what seemed like the gestation period of a damn elephant, the latest heir to the bitchface throne slid out of MiserAlba on Saturday and threw the doctor a shank eye of death that made him slap himself. As JustInItForTheCash Warren day dreamed about how he's going to spend the extra weekly allowance his wife is going to give him for training their newest baby on how to scowl for every paps' lens, MiserAlba announced the news on Facebook yesterday. Oh, and pretty much announced that she watches a lot of Syfy and is going to destroy the letter H the same way the Kuntdashians have destroyed the letter K.
Hope you're enjoying the weekend. Cash and I are so excited to announce the birth of our daughter, Haven Garner Warren. She was born on Saturday, weighed 7lbs, and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy! Big Sister Honor couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to our family.
Thank you for all of your support during my pregnancy. It means the world to me.
Honor & Haven?! Tell me that doesn't sound like the names of graphic novel characters who crime fight at night and then work as day-shift taxi dancers at a club where 90% of the proceeds go to a women's shelter. Speaking of women's shelter, if you told me that Haven Garner is the name of a halfway house for runaway teens that Jennifer Garner founded because she needed another tax write-off, I wouldn't waste a keystroke by saying you were lying.
Tonight is the Met's Costume Institute Gala (this year's exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don't even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other's nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn't even wear that shit as their menstruatin' dress.
And it wouldn't be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters' designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don't believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl's coke white hair.
Or maybe she's falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that's probably the culprit.
And here's a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl's claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L'Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.
When MiserAlba wore this to the BAFTAs the other night, I figured she was just fraudulently filling the "covering a baby bump with an empire waist gown" category since Natalie Portman couldn't be there, but I was wrong. Jessica Alba announced via her Facebook that her womb is following the must-have trend of 2011 by wearing a baby on the inside! Soon, the thick layer of smog, chlorine smoke from Mel Gibson's pores and broken dreams that hovers over Los Angeles will be flushed out by a cloud of pregnancy farts. On that note, here's MiserAlba's announcement:
It's been a while since I've been on FB & I thought I'd drop by to let you all in on some exciting news>Honor is going to be a Big Sister! Cash and I are thrilled and wanted to share the news directly with you so you didn't hear about it somewhere else. I appreciated all of the love and support you all gave me during my first pregnancy and will definitely appreciate it again this time around. Have a great day! Jess
This is a piece of BABY!!! news I'm actually excited about. Remember when she was knocked up with Honor and her morning, noon and night sickness was filled with ridiculous quotes like how she was hoping for a brown baby? I hope for more of that as well as some terror-inducing pregnant lady cunt glares that could cut any umbilical cord in two. And I'll be really disappointed if MiserAlba and OnlyInItForTheCash don't name their baby Dis.
What I mean by that is Helena Bonham Carter always shows up to the opening of WHATEVER looking like a Cyndi Lauper circa 1984 who dropped the wrong kind of acid and ended up in the bad part of Oz where a gang of junked up flying monkeys fucked her up before throwing her into a tornado of rainbow dust heading back home. I mean, HBC usually resembles a mound of taffeta getting butt fucked by a period dress from the Old Globe's costume shop. But yet, she showed up to the BAFTAs in London tonight wearing an ensemble from JcPenney's funeral matron collection. Totally normal!
Pretty sure my abuelita wore the exact same dress to every single funeral she ever went to. But my abuelita was stylish enough to pair it with beige Easy Spirits, a brown veil and a huge purse lined with paper towels (aka "her buffet visitin' purse"). Maybe Helena Bonham Carter held back, because she's saving up her energy for the Oscars in a couple of weeks. That's when she's really going to throw the fuckery down the carpet and put all those bland bitches to bed. Let's hope that's what's brewing up in her head, because I cannot accept this kind of behavior from her anymore!
So yeah, the BAFTAs were tonight and below is some of the winner's list:
Best Film: The King's Speech
Outstanding British Film: The King's Speech
Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network
Best Foreign Language Film: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3
Best Leading Actor: Colin Firth, The King's Speech
Best Leading Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Best Supporting Actor: The King's Speech, Geoffrey Rush
Best Supporting Actress: Helena Bonham Carter, The King's Speech
The full list with all the nominees is here. And here's a few pictures from that shit. In order: HBC with Tim Burton, Amy Adams, Sarah Harding, Thandie Newton, Emma Watson, a graceful swan woman, Nicholas Hoult, James McAvoy, Mark Ruffalo with his wife Sunrise, Rupert Grint, Noomi Rapace, J.K. Rowling, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Tilda Swinton, Minnie Driver, Jane Goldman, Annette Bening, Eva Green, Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, Neve Campbell (making all of us feel OLD), MiserAlba (doing her best impersonation of a knocked up Natalie Portman since knocked up Natalie Portman wasn't there) and Gerard Slutler.
In Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, which is a modern day adaptation of Shakespeare's The Tempest, MiserAlba says that she decided her character Sue Storm should cry during a very pivotal scene. Now I'm assuming that MiserAlba came up with this decision on her own since she uses her highly skilled instincts as the script.
MiserAlba's sadface was much too real and human for the movie's director Tim Story so he told her to pull back and make it pretty. It was that moment that made MiserAlba almost quit acting for good. Acting is like, "Um, when were we ever together?"
"[The director told me] 'It looks too real. It looks too painful. Can you be prettier when you cry? Cry pretty, Jessica.' He was like, 'Don't do that thing with your face. Just make it flat. We can CGI the tears in.'
I'm like, 'But there's no connection to a human being.' And then it all got me thinking: Am I not good enough? Are my instincts and my emotions not good enough? Do people hate them so much that they don't want me to be a person? Am I not allowed to be a person in my work? And so I just said, 'Fuck it. I don't care about this business anymore.'"
CGI TEARS?! That is some S1m0ne shit. But it's a really good thing our generation's Laurence Olivier never said goodbye to acting, then film professors and historians wouldn't have her work in The Love Guru and Valentine's Day to use as a reference for true thespian talent. And if MiserAlba ever quit acting, the Razzies would have to shut down and nobody wants that.
Megan Fox is busy writing her works of philosophy with a feather pen in the attic of a country house in England, so unfortunately she hasn't been around to give us our weekly eye roll cues. But fear not, your fat eyeballs are about to burn off some chunk thanks to Megan Fox's substitute MiserAlba!
Speaking to Elle Magazine from her dressing room at The Royal National Theater where she's currently in rehearsals for Macbeth, MiserAlba softly stroked her Lifetime Achievement Oscar and whispered the secret about how you know if an actor is a true thespian with the spirit of Laurence Olivier sashaying across their souls. According to MiserAlba, any good actor don't need no script!
“Good actors, never use the script unless it’s amazing writing. All the good actors I’ve worked with, they all say whatever they want to say.”
Yeah, and whatever "they" say to MiserAlba usually starts with BITCH and ends with PLEASE.
So when MiserAlba uttered the line "I like you. Your flavor's hot" in the Oscar-winning art house masterpiece Honey, it came from her mind. "I'm scared of her....." - Meryl Streep. But seriously, MiserAlba is telling us that she memorizes every single word on the script including the stage directions.
Not only is MiserAlba skilled at memorizing words on a page and making a wet piece of popcorn ceiling look like the definition of charisma, but she can also perfectly enunciate words while her head is firmly shoved up her culito. A talent for the ages!
And the picture above is from a set of NSFW pictures of MiserAlba baring her post-baby bump and nursing nipples. Click here if that's what you need today. I'm sure she improvised all those poses, so someone should give her another award for that.
Do you shower in the dark, change clothes underneath your bed sheets and have avoided going to the doctor to get that boil/wart mutant thing in your ass crack checked because you don't want to get naked in front of anyone? Well, turn on the lights and flash a trick, because MiserAlba's body is way more disgusting than yours and she absolutely loves every inch of it.
MiserAlba tells GQ UK that all those straight dudes who milk their peen to her pictures must be into bestiality and shit, because this hot bitch below is on her beauty level (no offense to the hot bitch):
This is what Hollywood's town hag told GQ:
MiserAlba on how she's considered a symbol of sexy: "I don't get it. Every actress out there is more beautiful than me."
MiserAlba on her post-baby body: "Way more comfortable, since I had a baby. I'm far less self-conscious now I have her to worry about. There's something so amazing about having a child. My breasts are saggy, I've got cellulite, my hips are bigger, but I love it."
You know, I think I'm more offended by the fact that she considers herself an actress.
Here's the video of the future Oscar winner for Ugliest Non-Actress posing with her "saggy breasts" out for GQ.
If the man in your life is always in heat and driving you crazy by always slapping you in the leg with his lipstick, then show him this video. It's the antidote to horniness.
Robert Rodriguez has released a special Cinco de Mayo message to Arizona in the form of the new trailer for his movie Machete which is about bitches fucking with the wrong Mexican.
The Mexploitation film stars Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Michelle Rodriguez, Lindsay Lohan (in a fucking nun's outfit), Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal and MiserAlba.
When the trailer gets to the part where MiserAlba tries to bring out her inner Norma Rae, do a shot of whatever is nearest to you (e.g. liquid glue, stamp fluid, Jenkem), because you'll need it.
Source: Ain't It Cool News via CS