Jessica Alba

MiserAlba hasn't been very miserable looking lately. Look at her! Ok, she's not exactly bubbling like Orbitz soda inside, but she's not exactly frowning. Somebody wipe that serene look off her face! She should be scowling, covering her face in disgust and waving her paw at the paps. If motherhood changes her miserable ways, I will never forgive her!

Here's MiserAlba shopping for rugs this afternoon. When she's done wearing that shirt, she could use it for curtains. Better yet, she should use it for a burp cloth.

And since we're on the subject of fetuses in bellies, here's more knocked up Minnie Driver and Tori Smelly in Los Angeles today. They are taking over and will soon come for your ovaries (or penis) like hormonal zombies. Keep a bag of dirty cat litter near you at all times. If that doesn't work, show them this picture of Tori in a bikini. That shit will repel just about anything.

MiserAlba was all half-smiles yesterday as she attended her baby shower at some tea store in Los Angeles. Guests included Rashida Jones, Jaime King and Kim Kardashian. KardASSIAN?! For real? MiserAlba only invited her, so that someone in the room would have a bigger ass than her. Can you imagine Kardashian playing the "break the balloon with your ass" game? Bitch just has to show the balloon her ass and it breaks itself. She's a champion at that game.

E! reports that MiserAlba told guests she was knocking a girl in June. It's been rumored that she's naming the poor thing Honor.

This baby shower looks like it was one of those wannabe "high class" affairs. BORING! I like my baby showers with the candy bar diaper game, strippers, plenty of booze and a ghetto baby shower cake.

Please tell me MiserAlba is not naming her baby Honor! She's doing a dishonor to that little girl by giving her that name. Star Magazine reports that MiserAlba is having a little chickie and has already picked out the name Honor. HONOR!

MiserAlba's baby shower is this Sunday and bitches have been buying her gifts. A source said that one friend of MiserAlba picked up a little charm bracelet with the name HONOR on it.

The source went on to say, "This woman was so exited that Jessica is having a girl. She said she loved the name too, Honor, and said Jessica picked it because she felt it was an honor to have Cash's baby. She said she couldn't wait to give it to Jessica this weekend. She asked twice if the bracelet would be ready by then."

Press pause. She thinks it's an honor to have a man's baby? What the hell is this? Medieval times? And if it is, where's my damn turkey leg! There's no way MiserAlba said that. She's a bitch!

I'm going to choose to sweep this little rumor under the rug until the birth certificate is signed. I'm going to say a prayer tonight to La Pequena and ask that MiserAlba changes her mind. Obviously, MiserAlba needs to name her daughter Misery Chastaine. You can't go wrong in naming your kid after a Kathy Bates movie.

Could pregnancy actually be turning MiserAlba's permanent frown upside down? Naw. Her publicist probably stapled her fake smile temporarily, because they were at a children's event. MiserAlba is definitely all angsty (I don't know if that's a word, but that hasn't stopped me before) inside. I can see it in her eyes. She's got the "Carrie" rage in there. Her publicist has her on a 15-minute timer before she explodes. There's only so much cheeriness MiserAlba can take.

Here's MiserAlba with her unborn "hopefully brown" baby at the Nick Kids' thingee yesterday.

What the hell? MiserAlba never smiles! Maybe she just pregnant queefed. It probably feels good against your gina. Something definitely happened, because I didn't even know she was capable of smiling. I don't know if she should continue to do it. I kind of like my MiserAlba all grouchy and shit. This is throwing me off. I don't trust it!

Here's MiserAlba with Cash Warren at Baron Davis' Birthday party last night.

It's MiserAlba being miserable! This is just the way I like her. I like her cold, angry, gassy and hating life. She's been so restrained lately though. I would think that MiserAlba + Pregnancy = One Angry Bitch! She hasn't flipped out at that paps....yet. The meltdown is coming and I hope the paparazzi are there to document it. It must happen when her water breaks. She'll deliver the baby herself and beat the paparazzi down with the umbilical cord.

Jessica Alba is currently in Paris promoting that piece of shit movie "The Eye." Jessica took to her MySpace blog to write about her new obsession with ham and cheese sandwiches from Paris.

She wrote:

"Every day I have eaten ham and cheese sandwiches, I can't get enough of them. Wish they had these back in the states, the bread is amazing. My tummy is getting bigger by the second and the little one must like the food too because it is moving and kicking like crazy. ITS THE BEST."

We don't have ham and cheese sandwiches here? She's probably talking about a special kind. Bitch go to Au Bon Pain! She probably won't know the different.

She totally doesn't think her "brown baby" kicking is the best. Lies. She probably gets pissed off and hits him back. Then somebody gives her a ham and cheese sandwich and she's all good again. Keep them ham sammies coming. It will shut her mouth up and make her fatter. For some reason I want Alba to get enormous! Goodyear blimp size.

Here's Alba at the premiere of her movie in Paris tonight. She looks mad. She's thinking of ham sandwiches!

Tony Romo, Dane Cook and John Mayer were awarded with Cosmo's Fun Fearless Male Award today in NYC. All three of them have also been with Jessica Simpson at one time or another. I'm sure they stood around the bar trading sex stories. Actually, they probably asked each other, "Did Papa Joe insist on watching you with Jessica too?"

Dave Salmoni, Peter Krause, Dave Annable, Tom from MySpace, John Krasinki and Common were also honored. I'm sure one of them will be one of Jessica's future exes too.

Here's Jessica Alba and Princess RiRi at the Fendi store opening in Paris a few nights ago. Jessica is knocked up with her "brown baby", but that's not stopping her from enjoying the shows in Paris. Selfish bitch! I hope she gets mega fat, but only in her face. That way all the fat will stay in her head and hopefully her mouth will become too heavy to open.

Princess RiRi looks like she had her make-up done by a doll maker. Put an alien curse on your make-up artist, RiRi! He fucked you up.

Also, here's Jessica at the Lanvin show in Paris today. It doesn't look like Cash came with her to Paris. I hope she put a bike lock on his dick, because you know how that bitch is.

Jessica Alba wrote an essay for Ellyn Spragins' upcoming book of essays from female celebrities. Oh and by"wrote" I mean she probably had someone else do it while she shouting obscenities at them and talking about her brown baby.

Jessica said that in the sixth-grade she had big boobs and because of that the principal and some PTA moms deemed her a "slut." I don't see a problem? Where I come from that's a compliment. It's better than being called "caca pants" by your classmates. I'll tell you the story sometime over canapes and Hennessey.

She went on to say, "Boys are awful. They are made of nothing but hormones until they're about 20 or 21 . . . It's fun to have a crush, but don't think it's forever . . . And use birth control and condoms, please."

Now...I'm not one to judge (you can wipe the coffee off your computer screen, I really did say that, but I didn't mean it), but Jessica Alba is telling people to use birth control and condoms? This coming from a woman who is knocked up by a man that has allegedly cheated on her ass several times? That's rich! Oh and Jessica, boys are also made of snips, snails and puppy dog tails! Didn't you learn anything in school? Obviously not, because you were too busy being a sixth-grade slut!

Source: Page Six