If you're still hungover and didn't read the headline, you're probably wondering why I posted a picture from 2004 of Portia De Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres. These two peroxide-haired beauties aren't Portia and Ellen. It's Nicole Kidman and Sun-In's most loyal customer Keith Urban kissing and loving on each other at the Cannes screening of Inside Llewyn Davis over this weekend.
I had to check to see if there's been any recent break-up rumors about these two, because why else would they canoodle on each other like two 15-year-olds whose parents just dropped them off at the school dance. Nicole and Keith's STUNT QUEEN PDA show for the photographers is cute and everything, but I want to scream at them the same thing I wanted to scream at the couple in Olive Garden who sat on the same side of the booth and kissed on each other throughout my entire meal, "You're loved-up grossness is putting me off of these delicious breadsticks."
And if I squint my eyes, Nicole sort of looks like an albino predator who's trying to swallow an angora ferret whole.
The highlight from last night's season premiere of American Idol was Mimi's response to Nicki Minaj calling her a bitch under her breath (see: above) and the most beautiful sound I heard was the fart some dude pooted out during his audition. You'd think that a farting dude and a shade-throwing Mimi would take Idol's ratings up, up and away, but it didn't. 17. 9 million people turned on their TVs to watch Mimi and a Furby in a wig go at it. 18 million pairs of eyeballs is a lot of pairs of eyeballs, but Idol still down 19 percent from last season. It was the lowest-rated season opener since its first season opener in 2002. Mimi would care about this, but she's too busy sipping liquefied money out of a diamond-encrusted platinum straw.
Deadline says that Idol won the night, but it won't win the week. That title will go to your memaw's favorite show NCIS. Almost 23 million people put their eyeballs on this week's episode of NCIS. This is the first time Idol wasn't the #1 show during its premiere week.
Because I like to torture myself, I watched all 2 hours of American Idol last night LIVE and besides the farting chanteuse (farteuse?), I couldn't tell you about one trick who auditioned last night. I don't remember one bitch's singing voice, but I do remember every roll Nicki's eyes did whenever Mimi opened up her mouth to talk about Mimi. Bitches were throwing the same catty looks that John Travolta and Tommy Girl throw during the Mr. Scientology Pageant. That shit isn't a singing competition anymore. It's not even a sad story competition anymore. It's a shade-throwing competition now. In other words, I LOVE IT!
But who's not loving it is Ryan Seacrest. Fox laid off Ryan's full-time anal bleacher so that they could afford Mimi's salary and look what it got them. NOTHING!
(Pic via Tumblr)
As his ice block of a wife shot scenes as Grace Kelly with Milo Ventimiglia for Grace of Monaco, Keith Urban wrapped his huevos in Spandex to go swimming in the pool of his hotel. It's nice knowing that when the hot pavement burns the bottom of Keith's feet, he makes the same pained look he makes when he breaks his boner after making the mistake of gently slapping his peen against Nicole's concrete forehead.
Personally, I prefer vintage Keith Urban when he looked like a Til Tuesday era Aimee Mann as hipster Colonel Sanders, but I'd still hit Keith Urban of today. The meatball with tentacles tattoo really did it for me.
And it was really smart of Nicole Kidman to make the hotel put statues of her all around the pool area, so Keith never forgets her while she's working. The resemblance is uncanny and I'm sure Keith also made the mistake of gently slapping his peen against that statue's forehead.
Some thought that Keith Urban was going to throw himself off the wagon and dive directly into a mountain of mind-numbing cocaine after he was literally caught in the middle of a diva bitch brawl between a Muppet thug in a curdled Strawberry Quik wig and the butterfly queen of the lambs in Charlotte, NC on Tuesday. But at last night's New York Film Festival premiere of his wife's movie The Paperboy (aka Golden Shower Fun Times with Zac & Nicole), Keith told Extra that he loved it when the Trinidadian chihuahua barked at the Long Island cocker spaniel. Keith loves passionate (read: ridiculous) artists (see: bitches) who openly express themselves (see: act like pieces of trash), because it makes him feel alive (see: laughs so hard his hair curtain becomes a side part) and it makes things very exciting (see: it gives him the wet shits and he was constipated for days before that). I'll let Keef tell it to you in his own words:
“I love it, I gotta say, look I love working with passionate people. I love artists. Everyone just sort of expressing themselves. It’s a very alive and very invigorating work environment. A lot of passion. Randy is the craziest, so you know I’m predictable.”
What Keith is saying is that in high school he was that bitch in the second row (tip: When watching a high school fight, always stand in the second row in case a rogue fist comes flying into the crowd.) screaming "Whoop that frock tart!" ("Frock tart" is Kiwi talk for "trick.") I can totally understand why watching Nicki Minaj go full Turrets on a bitch makes Keith happy. Because when he goes home at night, he eats dinner across from a Botoxed iceberg who has the emotional range of the dead AAA batteries your mom has kept in the freezer for years. So it's like Christmas times for Keith every time someone raises their voice above a frozen whisper. If you ever want to see Keith poop out an orgasm, yell at him hard!
Here's more of Keith and Nicole looking like a bizarro world Ellen & Portia at last night's The Paperboy premiere. Obviously, the key to Keith and Nicole's marriage lasting so long has everything to do with them sleeping separately. He sleeps in a tanning bed and she sleeps in an oxygen chamber/coffin.
Keith Urban's got wig burns all over his face today and it's all because he was in the middle of two diva bitches dragging each other back and forth. The producers of American Idol have finally figured out that we don't want to see a bunch of fresh-faced, sappy ass kids sing some dumb Carrie Underwood song in between crying about how hard their life has been. We want to see WEAVES FLYING, which is sort of what happened during auditions in Charlotte, North Carolina today.
TMZ got a hold of a video of Nicki making Hello Kitty her #1 enemy by cursing Mimi out as Keith Urban contemplated whether or not he should just throw himself out that window behind him. The producers had to press the stop button for the day after the toilet baby of Effie from the Hunger Games and Trash Heap nearly punched the rainbows out of the queen of the lambs. I speak fluent cunt, so this is what I heard in that video:
Nicki: “And if you’ve got a fucking problem, handle it. I told them I’m not fucking putting up with your fucking highness over there.”
Mimi: “Oh why, why do I have a three year old sitting around me?”
Nicki “I’m not sitting here for 20 minutes and have you run down your resume everyday.”
Mimi: “I can’t see my kids, because you decided to act like a little crazy bitch and go all around the stage.”
Nicki: “Go see them now, go. You’re boring as shit!”
Apparently, after this, Nicki threatened to knock Mimi out. If this is some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for finally giving us a show. If this isn't some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for fully knowing that putting those two egos together would end with them scalping each other with their acrylic claws.
Mimi responded to this mess on Twitter with a simple: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
And I'm responding to this mess right here with a simple: YAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!
UPDATE: And here's TMZ's transcript of this beautiful wreck:
Nicki: Get this shit in self control. Get in control. Get in control.
Randy: Settle down, settle down
Nicki: Don't lose your head. Don't lose your head (inaudible). Don't tell me I'm a gangster.
Nicki: (inaudible) every 5 minutes. So every time you patronize me, I'm-ma take it back, and if you've got a fucking problem, handle it.
Nicki: I told them I'm not fuckin' putting up with her fucking highness over there. Figure it the fuck out. Figure it out.
Nicki: I'm not gonna sit here every fucking minute to have you come down and harass me every minute everyday.
Here's Nicole Kidman with her frosty locked husband at the CMT Awards last night just minutes after a striped velour couch barfed all over her sheer black slip while one of the My Little Ponies lived out its rope bondage fetish fantasy by tying up her feet. It's as if someone was making a Charlie Brown-inspired dress using old velour tracksuits when the power in the sweat shop factory got turned off and they had to stop halfway through.
But if we're going to play the Say Something Nice game, then I will say that I like the way her Sally's Beauty Supply clip-on bangs act like a safety curtain to protect us from the wall of Botox above her eyebrows. Her gelatin slug lips however....
Natalie Portman's baby brewing area is going to grow into thousands of pixels before our very eyes in the next few weeks as she accepts Best ActressWhatever at every awards show for her performance in Mother May I Sleep With Mila Kunis? and last night she collected one of her first at the Critics' Choice Movie Awards. (Click here for all the winners)
Actually, let me snatch that back. Natalie is probably not going to win at The Christina Hendricks Awards tomorrow since they will find some way to sneak St. Angie into the Best Actress - Drama category at the last second. They will say that St. Angie's performance in The Tourist is covered with so many layers that she's worthy of comedy, drama and animation awards. They are up on her halo like that. So, Natalie, stay home in your Zac Posen pajama jeans tomorrow, because that shit is not yours to take.
But last night, Natalie wore that shit to accept her trophy. It sorts of looks like a motel bed sheet held up with electrical tape and that sounds like a hot look on paper, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too busy slobbering over that trophy to make a concrete decision. Every single trophy resembles a dildo to me and that one looks like it was manufactured by Krypton's most well-respected dick toy makers. Get me one!
Here's a few more pictures from last night's show. In oooorder: Natalie Hershlag,
Yanni Christian Bale, Emma Stone, Jon Hamm, Dr. Kevorkian (????), Julianne Moore, Tilda Swinton, Melissa Leo, Michelle Williams, Ryan Gosling, Senorita Jokerface, Nicole Kidman with Keith Urban, Jeremy Renner, Lisa Rinna Helena Bonham Carter and Annette Bening with Warren Beatty.
Keith Urban has been released from a rehab facility after completing treatment for being a drunk. Keith and his wife, Nicole Kidman, hit the CAA Golden Globes after-party last night in Los Angeles. Hey, that's a good place to get your sober life started!
Keith started rehab on October 19th and had a brief vacay over the holidays with Nicole. Keith will fly to German on Thursday to promote his album. He's also expected to start touring this April in Europe.
Let the games begin! Cheap booze and hookers for everyone! Nicole probably liked him so much more when he was locked up!
Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman spent Christmas together in their native Australia. The two were seen leaving the United International Pictures offices today. They seem pretty happy despite the rumors that Keith had an affair with some white piece of trash while he and Nicole were still together. I'm going to chuck that up as rumor unless that ho has some videotaped proof. Nicole looks happy, but should rethink that fake carnation thing on her head. It's not rose parade time, yet.