Lil' Kim

At Nelson Mandela's birfday concert in NYC this past weekend, Cyndi Lauper and Lil' Kim sang "Time After Time" together. Maybe I blocked it out, but I don't think I've ever heard Lil' Kim sing live before and now I know why. I'm thinking the overgrown pube bush on Cyndi Lauper's hair might have sucked all the moisture out of Lil Kim's voice, because homegirl sounds dry. Throw a Gatorade on her throat! Lil Kim' also sounds like the prison warden made her run 100 laps before the concert.

Let this be a lesson, don't let a train get ran on you before performances. Wait until after!

And is it just me, or does Kim sort of looks like the toddler version of Katie Price? I see what Kim's doing. If she looks just like Katie Price, maybe she'll get Harvey to come over to her side. Good play.

I know, I know. It's way too early for Lil Kim's overcooked Shrinky Dink face, but get used to this precious mug. It will grace your television screens twice a week beginning in March, because Kim will be part of the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy! The entire cast was announced last night and I recognized 90% of the has-beens or never-wases! Most of them still aren't "stars," but if you combine all their fame together you might get half of a star, so the producers are getting close!

I'm calling it right now that Lil Kim is going to win that 99-Cent store trophy at the end! The bitch probably dances like a chipmunk with a heated curling iron up its ass, but her face will kill the competition. Literally! On the first episode, everyone's going to gather on the dancefloor, take one look at Kim and either a) blackout b) run for cover or c) try to eat her face off to stop the madness. Either way, Kim has got this. And think of the nip and pussy slips! The FCC is going to make it mandatory just to cover up her whole body (and face) with a giant censored bar at all times just in case.

Anytrannywiththirddegreeburns, the rest of the cast pretty much gives Ambien a run for its sleepy money. Here's the rest:

Belinda Carlisle - Kim and Belinda can bond by injecting cooking oil into their faces together!
David Alan Grier - Think Cloris Leachman but less charming and with more annoying shenanigans!
Jewel - This won't save her soul or her career.
Lawrence Taylor - WHO?!
Shawn Johnson - Nasty Nastia totally passed this mess and Shawn was the next best thing.
Gilles Marini - If he doesn't flash the peen here like he did in Sex and the City, then I'm not interested.
Ty Murray - Jewel's husband and that's about it!
Chuck Wicks - See Lawrence Taylor.
Steve-O - Steve-NO is more like it.
Nancy O'Dell - Could have been worse. Could have been fucking Lara Spencer!
Denise Richards - Get ready for cunt eyes and moves like paraplegic ice cube.
Steve Wozniak - THE WOZ! He belongs on America's Next Top Teddy Bear You Want to Cuddle, not on this shit.

That was a stupid question. We know who did it! B-E-Y-O-N-C-E!!! She totally told Solange that everyone is wearing their wigs backwards. Everyone. I mean, I think the tag is sticking out in the front. And the dress and bag were definitely DIY projects using items from the local Salvation Army. Bitch is a walking Project Runway challenge. Damn, Beyonce! She got Solange again!

Solange wore this sad, sad ensemble to the BET Awards last night. Speaking of wigs that should've been left at home, that thing sitting on Lil Kim's head is illegal.

Here's more sexy messes from last night including Terry Howard who looked baby wipe fresh and Ashanti with a Cinnabon sitting in her hair.

Hold hands, bow your heads and say a final prayer for Lil Kim's old face. It's gone forever.

Lil' Kim now looks like she should join the cast of CATS. No make-up or mask required. I bet if you sprinkled some cat nip on her ass, she would go crazy, climb the walls and roll on the floor like a pair of dice. Someone stick a q-tip in her puss, she's done!

Here's Kim at the SATC premiere last night in NYC. I've also thrown in some pictures of Perry and Etty Farrell. Etty is what Kim is striving to look like. They're going to be twins in a couple of years.

Cocaine, naked gays, used needles and a baby with a painted face are just a few things I think of when it comes to Lil' Kim. David LaChapelle shot Lil' Kim as the Virgin Mary for some kind of possibly new promo shot. I'm not sure what she's promoting exactly....

This would make the perfect Christmas card, but I would need to photoshop my face over baby's face. Leave the children out of it!

UPDATE: That shit is as fake as Lil Kim's titties! The picture was made by a fan for a Lil' Kim fansite. They took an old picture by photographer Justin Monroe and photoshopped Kim's face on the model's face. That's that! Kim did not pose for the Virgin Mary and David LaChapelle did not take this picture. Below is picture proof.

Maybe I've become desensitized by so much plastic horror that I can't fairly judge a horrific face, but Lil' Kim looks slightly better here than normal. Her face does look like Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze created it while making love on a potter's wheel to Unchained Melody. It's a brilliant shade of terra cotta. Her nose looks like it was made with silly putty. I want to make animal shapes out of it. Fun!

Okay, she looks fug. There I said it and I feel better.

Wenn

Lil' Kim will always hold a place in my black heart. Anybody who can come up with the lyrics, "If you aint lickin no butts, we don't want it, we don't want it" is fine by me. That being said, she needs plastic surgery rehab. They should gather up all the surgery addicts and put them in a safe place filled with mirrors, so they can take a good look at themselves. Soon she won't even be able to say those amazing lyrics anymore, because she won't be able to move her mouth!

Kim came out to celebrate Marc Jacobs' show last night. Posh was also there and looked like Posh. Kim should have posed with her. Kim's plastic mask would have made robotic Posh look human.

Wenn, Splash, Wireimage

Kim, you can take off the mask now! Stop playing. It's scaring me! Take it off. You know it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt and I'm getting hurt by looking at that fug mug. The sad thing is, she can't take it off. It's not a mask. This is the ugly side of plastic surgery. I think her eyebrows even went on strike.

When you're able to remove your eyebrows with a baby wipe, it's time to reevaluate things.

Here's Muppet Kim with Blueberry Homo at a screening of the documentary "Louis Vuitton & Marc Jacobs."

And I'm not talking about the coat! Lil' Kim dragged her plastic face last night to root for her main ladydude girl, Kimora Lee Simmons at the Baby Phat show in NYC. Methinks Kim has a had a little baby fat injected into every part of her face. That poor animal died to be laid on that?! Shameful.