Lil' Kim

On the left is a Photoshop artiste's rendering of Lil' Kim Jong-Il, and on the right is a hot bitch who pretty much knows it won this battle without even clenching its anal glands and moving its paw. Kim tried to win this shit by getting a ho to Photoshop her arms until they looked like two twigs harvesting skunk testicles on them. (Seriously, Kim's arms are what a dick looks like when it does ass sex with a Kardashian before her daily crack wax and dingle cleanse.) But the poodle truly knows how to wear pube puffs on its limbs. Therefore, the poodle wins (like you didn't already know).

And in case you a need a reminder on Photoshop's talent at turning fuckery into mega fuckery, here's the full promo tease from Kim's new album:

Bitch looks like a Barbie that became a new home to a family of woolly bear caterpillars after it was left out in the backyard. Kim even has that "forgotten Barbie" look about her. But I shouldn't hate, because I'm sure PayPal is tripling up their server since it's obvious that Kim's new album is going to top the PayPal charts!

Detective La Toya Jackson can call off the search for a sidekick, because the Watson to her Sherlock has been found. Lil' Kim has proven that her eyes can see through the fog and she has what it takes to prowl through the cobblestone streets in search of the truth! On the anniversary of Biggie's murder, Kim called in to Power 95.3 in Orlando to give one of her theories on who killed B.I.G. and Tupac. SPOILER ALERT: Kim thinks Uncle Sam pulled the trigger. But here's Kim in her own words:

“I always felt like Biggie and Tupac’s deaths was bigger than how they tried to make it believed to be. Them two was very powerful guys. They both could have ran for mayor just like Arnold Schwarzenegger and probably won, and you know I think the government is looking at it like, ‘We can not have these two hood dudes with this much power running for mayor or something like that and winning’. Because they feel like they would have lost control I think.

I can’t say whether this person is involved or that person is involved and you know, no ones knows, but I do know that it’s deeper than people would like it to believe to be.”

You can HAHAHAHA at Kim all you want, but she does have a point. The names Co-Mayor Shakur and Co-Mayor Biggie do make me want to re-register in California and vote a bitch in. Free clinics would have buffets with a blunt section. We'd all vote for them.

So Kim is definitely onto something. As soon as she solves the case of her missing original face, she should team up with Det. La Toya and get to the bottom of this!

via Radar

This isn't a flyer for a snuff party you'd knock off your windshield after coming out of the club at 4 in the morning. It's the cover for Lil' Kim's diss-tape called "Black Friday" which she has dedicated to her forever rival Nicki Minaj. Kim kept it demure and subtle as always by using the Mortal Kombat Photoshop tool to decapitate Nicki with a sword. Kim also used that sword to scrape all signs of life from this cover, because it makes Pixar movies look like documentaries. I know that Kim farts pixels, but damn.

Bitch looks like if the T-1000 tried to morph into a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race, but got stuck halfway through. This almost looks like a scene you'd make with stickers you bought from the Scholastic Book Catalog. And I know that's supposed to be Nicki's head (once again, subtle...) over there, but that looks more like a bubble of Pepto.

And if you're craving more of Kim's subtlety, here's Kim "pissing on them" over the instrumental from one of Nicki's tracks.

via Crunk + Disorderly

If Kimora Lee Simmons and Snooki fused their ovary eggs together with pan-cake foundation and then fertilized it with the sperm of a Kardashian before letting it incubate between CoCo's ass cheeks for 9 months, out would come Lil' Kim looking just like this! Like if a Siamese cat fell into a vat of bronzer and then dried itself off with a towel made of baby powder.

Didn't somebody tell Kim that clogging up every single one of her pores with oil-based paint is a dangerous game to play? They can't breathe! Kim's overworked chocha is trying to puff in enough air for everybody and it can't! It's inhaling so hard that her asshole is puckering. I thoroughly believe that glamour hurts, but you've gone way too far when your pussy needs an inhaler and an oxygen mask at the end of the night. Too far, Kim, too far.

Here's more of Kim and her suffocating snatch at Club QUO in NYC last night.

At Nelson Mandela's birfday concert in NYC this past weekend, Cyndi Lauper and Lil' Kim sang "Time After Time" together. Maybe I blocked it out, but I don't think I've ever heard Lil' Kim sing live before and now I know why. I'm thinking the overgrown pube bush on Cyndi Lauper's hair might have sucked all the moisture out of Lil Kim's voice, because homegirl sounds dry. Throw a Gatorade on her throat! Lil Kim' also sounds like the prison warden made her run 100 laps before the concert.

Let this be a lesson, don't let a train get ran on you before performances. Wait until after!

And is it just me, or does Kim sort of looks like the toddler version of Katie Price? I see what Kim's doing. If she looks just like Katie Price, maybe she'll get Harvey to come over to her side. Good play.

I know, I know. It's way too early for Lil Kim's overcooked Shrinky Dink face, but get used to this precious mug. It will grace your television screens twice a week beginning in March, because Kim will be part of the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy! The entire cast was announced last night and I recognized 90% of the has-beens or never-wases! Most of them still aren't "stars," but if you combine all their fame together you might get half of a star, so the producers are getting close!

I'm calling it right now that Lil Kim is going to win that 99-Cent store trophy at the end! The bitch probably dances like a chipmunk with a heated curling iron up its ass, but her face will kill the competition. Literally! On the first episode, everyone's going to gather on the dancefloor, take one look at Kim and either a) blackout b) run for cover or c) try to eat her face off to stop the madness. Either way, Kim has got this. And think of the nip and pussy slips! The FCC is going to make it mandatory just to cover up her whole body (and face) with a giant censored bar at all times just in case.

Anytrannywiththirddegreeburns, the rest of the cast pretty much gives Ambien a run for its sleepy money. Here's the rest:

Belinda Carlisle - Kim and Belinda can bond by injecting cooking oil into their faces together!
David Alan Grier - Think Cloris Leachman but less charming and with more annoying shenanigans!
Jewel - This won't save her soul or her career.
Lawrence Taylor - WHO?!
Shawn Johnson - Nasty Nastia totally passed this mess and Shawn was the next best thing.
Gilles Marini - If he doesn't flash the peen here like he did in Sex and the City, then I'm not interested.
Ty Murray - Jewel's husband and that's about it!
Chuck Wicks - See Lawrence Taylor.
Steve-O - Steve-NO is more like it.
Nancy O'Dell - Could have been worse. Could have been fucking Lara Spencer!
Denise Richards - Get ready for cunt eyes and moves like paraplegic ice cube.
Steve Wozniak - THE WOZ! He belongs on America's Next Top Teddy Bear You Want to Cuddle, not on this shit.

That was a stupid question. We know who did it! B-E-Y-O-N-C-E!!! She totally told Solange that everyone is wearing their wigs backwards. Everyone. I mean, I think the tag is sticking out in the front. And the dress and bag were definitely DIY projects using items from the local Salvation Army. Bitch is a walking Project Runway challenge. Damn, Beyonce! She got Solange again!

Solange wore this sad, sad ensemble to the BET Awards last night. Speaking of wigs that should've been left at home, that thing sitting on Lil Kim's head is illegal.

Here's more sexy messes from last night including Terry Howard who looked baby wipe fresh and Ashanti with a Cinnabon sitting in her hair.

Hold hands, bow your heads and say a final prayer for Lil Kim's old face. It's gone forever.

Lil' Kim now looks like she should join the cast of CATS. No make-up or mask required. I bet if you sprinkled some cat nip on her ass, she would go crazy, climb the walls and roll on the floor like a pair of dice. Someone stick a q-tip in her puss, she's done!

Here's Kim at the SATC premiere last night in NYC. I've also thrown in some pictures of Perry and Etty Farrell. Etty is what Kim is striving to look like. They're going to be twins in a couple of years.

Cocaine, naked gays, used needles and a baby with a painted face are just a few things I think of when it comes to Lil' Kim. David LaChapelle shot Lil' Kim as the Virgin Mary for some kind of possibly new promo shot. I'm not sure what she's promoting exactly....

This would make the perfect Christmas card, but I would need to photoshop my face over baby's face. Leave the children out of it!

UPDATE: That shit is as fake as Lil Kim's titties! The picture was made by a fan for a Lil' Kim fansite. They took an old picture by photographer Justin Monroe and photoshopped Kim's face on the model's face. That's that! Kim did not pose for the Virgin Mary and David LaChapelle did not take this picture. Below is picture proof.

Maybe I've become desensitized by so much plastic horror that I can't fairly judge a horrific face, but Lil' Kim looks slightly better here than normal. Her face does look like Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze created it while making love on a potter's wheel to Unchained Melody. It's a brilliant shade of terra cotta. Her nose looks like it was made with silly putty. I want to make animal shapes out of it. Fun!

Okay, she looks fug. There I said it and I feel better.

Wenn