Kathy Griffin

If the Oscars are the main party, the Golden Globes are the pre-party and that means the People's Choice Awards are the keg party in the parking lot before the pre-party. The drinks are served in red Solo cups, the dessert is store bought peach cobbler served in the red Solo cup your drink was in and hos who can't get into the main party are settling in the back of a pick-up for the night. It's a mess, basically. So hos who are going to the Oscars and GGs usually save their best dresses for those shows and wear something from the reject pile to the People's Choice Awards. Case in point: Jennifer Lawrence who led the parade of retina-burning fuggotry last night.

Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to be the hottest shit on the scene right now, so I'm assuming she's got a glam team (or "barf team" to those of us who don't have glam teams) and not one of them stood back while thinking to themselves, "We made this poor bitch look like a fish trapped in a net during a storm." Don't get me wrong, fishnet IS the fabric of our lives, but I shouldn't be looking at this picture and waiting for the late Captain Phil Harris to snatch her up and throw her onto a stainless steel table for sorting. This Sea of Fug look might've worked if they dropped a Gorton's Fisherman hat on her head or gave her a boat necklace or something. But they didn't and so Jennifer Lawrence was a category 5 mess last night.

And here's a few more from last night's The People Should Not Choose Since They Named Lea Michele Best TV Comedy Actress Awards: JL with Liam Hemsworth, Matt Boner, Mop Head, Whitney Cummings (who was creative enough to act out her last name with her face), Miley Cyrus with Liam Hemsworth, Tracey Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Greene, Kathy Griffin, Alyson Hannigan, Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Hudgens, Miss Mexico 1981, Lea Michele, Kelly Osbourne, Ian Somerhalder and Jennifer Morrison (wearing the hanging crochet planter from your grandma's sun room).

Just like a freeze dried In-N-Out Double Double, I don't travel well (Airplane riding is hard! #firstworldproblems) so my ass is every degree of jet lagged and my brain is more fucked than usual today, but this clip from Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin's New Year's Eve show has taken my soul in its arms and rocked me raw. There is finally a good reason for why Kathy Griffin is always struttin' around with her disappearing belly button out. Kathy brought the PG-rated ho shit out on New Year's Eve by stripping down to her best Maidenform bra, which caused Mah Boo to ejaculate out a steady stream of giggles. It's like Mah Boo has never seen a ginger in her bra before! It's like Mah Boo is really trying to act like he doesn't remember that time I streaked by his firehouse with my heart crossed in lace and a Tina Louise wig on my head. But whatever brings a giggle out of Mah Boo is good by me. Because when Mah Boo giggles, a no-no puckers for the very first time. And speaking of puckering...

I'd like to thank my spirit animals Lahoma, Sweetas and J. Harvey for spreading foolery all over Dlisted while I was DRANKING my way through Italy with my family. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have been able to learn the valuable lessons of Italy. Like did you know the Italians put a special ingredient in their pasta that covers your liver with a protective coating and allows you to swallow whole bottles of wine at one time without your internal organs running out of your asshole for dear life? An Italian doctor told me this. Or maybe it was an Italian waiter. Same thing.

And another thanks to J. Harvey for putting the extra fancy word "cuntafasse" into my dictionary and to Sweetas making me feel better about my completely unhealthy obsession with Mah Boo by making Charlize Theron reach for a restraining order form. Sweetas and J. Harvey did Dlisted good and they did it with less grammatical errors than me. Although, a blind, illiterate kindergarten drop out has better grammar skills than me, so I guess that's not saying much.

Since I've been on PST I've been rising from my dead coma a little after 5 every morning and I really don't know how some of you opposite vampires do it. You must have an alarm clock that sprays out meth mist and if you do, please give me the SkyMall catalog number for it. 5am was invented so that sluts could do the walk of shame from their one night trick's apartment to their apartment while it's still sort of dark outside. It was not invented as a waking up hour. It's just hurtful. But I'm going to stop about that before one of you e-mails me with: "Michael, suck on your mouse, because the children in Ethiopia get up at 4am!" Yes, I know! I also know that Ethiopian children have to make their morning coffee by banging coffee beans on a rock down by the river instead of pressing Mr. Coffee's G-spot like I do. I know! Anyway....

So my brain is on 5am and I'm going through e-mails and there I see it.... A subject line that reads: NEW PICTURES ANDERSON COOPER SUNBATHING SHIRTLESS!!!!! The sleep crust melted from my eyeballs, the fapping nodule in my brain stood up and my finger pores started pre-cumming as I clicked the link. A lukewarm second after I did that, my eyeballs turned blue and my fapping nodule went back to bed. In what world is this considered shirtless?! Unless, Mah Boo's torso is nipple deficient and naturally made from a cotton blend only found in a Calvin Klein store (very possible), this is not shirtless! This is SHIRTMORE not shirtless.

Curse the bitch who screwed with my emotions at a time when I'm most sensitive (aka the pre-caffeine hour). That is a low blow and not the kind I pulled down my chonies for.

FURTHERMORE, Mah Boo posted these pictures on his site to promote his talk show. Mah Boo is obviously new to the talk show promo game, because you do not promote a talk show with pictures of some shit we've seen a million times. I mean, Kathy Griffin in a bikini? Ever since she sold her belly button to Satan for her new body, bitch hasn't been out of a bikini. I've already etched the image of Kathy Griffin in a bikini into the metal memory file cabinet in my brain with an old key. We've all seen it! But you know what we haven't seen? Kathy Griffin in a grey t-shirt and Mah Boo in a black 'kini. There's still time for them to do this promo picture thing right! Do it for my 5am brain, Mah Boo!

"Random" has been busier than Charlie Sheen's crazy gene with all the of the foolery it's been pulling out of its asshole lately. Random already made all of us WTF believers by pairing Olivia Munn and Matthew Morrison together. And now it's going full foolery by placing Kathy Griffin's D-list cooch on top of the Old Spice Guy. Sources tell UsWeekly that instead of reaching for her EGOT dreams, Kathy is reaching for the Old Spice lube.

It all started when Kathy and Isaiah Mustafa met at the Creative Arts Emmys this past August. Kathy Tweeted the above shortly after that with the note: "A gift from me 2 u. Here I am with the super hot Old Spice Guy. Feel free to photoshop ur face over mine"

A source type says that ever since then 50-year-old Kathy and 37-year-old Isaiah have been casually seeing each other. Kathy is swan diving onto Isaiah's perfectly sculpted peen (which God based on the Statue of David), but it still hasn't tiptoed into serious territory. The source went on to say this shit: "They are not boyfriend/girlfriend but they are definitely spending time together and getting to know each other."

Kathy went from a gold digging husband to The Woz to this?! Three of those things are not like the other. I can appreciate Kathy, though, because she always throws out her vagina like a fishing net and she'll play with whatever dick in the ocean catches. When she's got enough Life & Style blurbs out of it, she'll throw the dick back into the sea. True slut move. Yeah, and I know most of you think this is just some STUNT QUEEN shit, but it looks authentic to me (not really). Isaiah is definitely giving a "Yes, I've been where the red fern grows" look in that picture above.

via @kathygriffin

Thanks to Kathy Griffin, I now have the image of Sarah Palin sitting her ass in a pleather rocker and taking drags from a cigarette in between yelling at Bristol for not plucking all the hairs out of the pig's feet. And Bristol, how in the fuck is Sarah supposed to eat pig's feet without no collard greens? Actually, it would be moose feet and boiled pine cones. But I digress.

Kathy Griffin went and did it! Bitch forced the troops to attack her ear holes with a whole lot of BITCH BOOM BYEs at the Vh1 Divas Salute the Troops concert on Friday night (that shit aired last night). Kathy brought up Dancing with the Stars and then joked that Bristol is the only contestant who got fatter as the weeks went by.

Kathy put it like this: "She's the only contestant in the history of the show to actually gain weight. No, come on, come on. She gained like 30 pounds a week, I swear to God, it was fantastic. She's like the white Precious."

Either the troops fap for Bristol and they didn't appreciate Kathy calling her ass fat. Or the troops fap for Precious and they didn't appreciate Kathy comparing her to Bristol. Either way they poured boo after boo onto Kathy.

As soon as Bristol finished cleaning up the broken pieces of the analog TV her mom dropped into the stairwell from above, she burped out this response to Pop Tarts: “The audience's reaction to this ‘comedian’ spoke volumes, and the decent people I know would probably have booed her, too. I hope people didn't have to pay money to hear her negativity and criticisms when you can watch my mom do that shit for free!”

You know, I'm disappointed with Tripp who obviously wrote this Bristol! In the last statement she released, she name dropped both KD Lang and the Indigo Girls! But yet she didn't pull out one famous name from the 90s for Kathy. Couldn't she have dropped Paula Poundstone's name, or even Rita Rudner? Someone. And Bristol also forgot to use the word "canard" again. We're going to need a refund.

via HuffPo

If you've ever wanted to know what the pastel tears of a gay unicorn looks like, you can go through my trash can to find my used Kleenexes from my nightly "WHY ME?" cry on the bathroom floor. Or you can just get a good look at Betty White's dress which she is wearing to the Emmys (or the Bettys as they should be called) tonight.

All those journalists who were going to stay up until dawn tonight trying to figure out who was the hottest bitch at the Emmys tonight can send Betty White a thank you basket, because she has made their job easier. If Betty is not at the top of every best dressed list tomorrow, then it's confirmed that Satan walks amongst us. I mean, how can Betty not be at the top? Not only does she have the spirit of Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia dancing in pastel across her dress, but she also looks like the grandma of the gay groom at a Palm Springs wedding circa 1983. Also, it's not a party until you're wearing a pearl necklace and Betty is showing us that. This is a candy-coated fucking win!

And here's some other hot pieces from tonight including: Jon Hamm with his wife Jennifer Westfeldt, Chris Colfer, James Lipton (and his gorgeous wife who gets best dressed runner-up), Jane Lynch, Kathy Griffin with Mama Maggie, LAFAYETTE!!!! and Tina Fey.

Every time somebody whispers that JLo and Skeletor are now members of Tommy Girl's Church of Anti-Glibness, she gets her assistants to use both of their hands to pull her ass cheeks apart so that she can fart on that rumor. But I'm not sure if I'm buying JLo's denials anymore, because what are those thought-stealing nodes she wore on her body to the Hope Gala in NYC last night? SCIENTOLOGY PROBES (those two words together makes Tommy Girl drip from all his orifices every time) that's what those are!

But seriously, you might be wondering why (probably not) JLo isn't screaming in pain from those rings digging into her flesh. Eh. JLo stopped feeling pain along time ago. It's obvious since she's the only one who isn't trying to dig out her ear drums with her bare fingers whenever her songs come on. JLo feels no pain.

Here's more of JLo with Skeletor at last night's charity thing along with Selita Ebanks, Matthew McConaughey with Ms. Hair Iz Important, Jill Zarin with Grandma Wrinkles' oil applier, Kathy Griffin and Giant Snooki.

Kathy Griffin got a poolside pap smear today to raise awareness about cervical cancer and the cameras caught all of it for her reality show My Life on the D-List. Cue her mother screaming: "Goddammit, Kathleen, the whole world doesn't need to know your goddamn cervix by face! Jeeesus Christ!"

In addition to the cervix party by the pool, Kathy also got an Edward Cullen necklace on her bikini line afterwards (I refuse to call it "vajazzling").

So if you happen to be swimming in that same pool this weekend and come across cervix lint*, you now know where it came from.

And I'm honestly surprised that Tyra Banks didn't think of this first! TyTy's vagina was made for a televised pap smear.

*I have no idea what cervix lint is.

Over at Popeater, they are saying that CNN has had enough with Kathy Griffin and is knocking the dick out of her mouth for the final time. According to some source, CNN is pulling the plug on Kathy's act after she launched a beautiful fuck bomb on live TV while hosting New Year's Eve with The Silver Fox. Ugh. What kind of message does this send to our youth? We're telling them that they will be punished for using appropriate and poetic language. Shame on CNN.

What hurts even more is that the source claims even Mah Boo has co-signed Kathy's pink slip: "She was a total embarrassment to the network that calls themselves 'The Most Trusted Name in News.' Even Anderson thinks it's time to say goodbye to Kathy."

A rep for CNN wouldn't confirm or deny this shit. They only said that no decisions have been made about next year's show.

I have a hard time believing that Mah Boo would personally show Kathy the exit. Every time Kathy brings the raunch, Mah Boo giggles and blushes like someone is tapping his fox hole gently with a wet tongue. You can't fake that. Mah Boo loves it!