Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian needs to walk around like this on a full-time basis. This is definitely a bitch I could go to T.G.I. Fridays with after work and guzzle on Electric Lemonades while freaking on our bar stools to Starpoint. And on the ride home, I'd promise to be polite and barf in the seat pocket in the back of her '87 Nissan Sentra (in metallic baby blue). That's what the back pocket is for.

Kim dropped the low-budget skankness and brought the beauty for an episode of E!'s Secret Celebrity. Kim wrote on her blog that the result of her 3-hour makeover was "kind of scary." Um. No. The regular Kim is really scary. This trick right here is all sorts of glamorous.

And for some strange reason, Kim also decided to post a never-before-seen still from her sex tape:

The Kardashian family made dreams come true yesterday by lining up to get punched out by the luckiest people in the world. The Kardashians agreed to be human (mostly) punching bags for the sake of charity. The beat down party extravaganza, which was held at the Commerce Casino in CA, raised cash for the Dream Foundation.

It sounds like everything went according to God's plan, because Kim took a blow to the face and her brother Rob ended up in the hospital with a busted head. Kim wrote on her blog:

"When Rob stepped in the ring to fight, his opponent was at least 25 lbs heavier than him, even though the organization had assured us that they were screening the people we were fighting against and that they would be within 5 lbs of our weights! At one point Rob's mask fell off and when he put his hands down he got hit in the face and ended up in hospital with a concussion. Rob's a strong guy and can definitely hold his own, but he wasn't expecting to get hit after his mask had fallen off! This guy just got really down and dirty!

We were all really angry and upset about what had happened to Rob, but I hadn't even fought yet and I didn't want to let the charity down, so I decided to get in the ring. My girl was a good sport, but she was tough! I knew I had to do it for charity, since that's what it was all about, but man, my girl could throw a punch! Look at my black eye!!!

At the end of the day, we did this for charity and that's what counts. Rob is doing fine now and my black eye will be gone soon... I hope."

YES KIM, that black eye is absolutely Hostel-like. It's horrific. You better take out a restraining order against the eyeshadow brush that punched you out like that.

And I don't understand how Kim could've lost her bout with an ass like that. Homegirl's ass could easily become the heavyweight champion of the world. All she has to do is wiggle it just a little bit and it would've been an instant KO!

By the way, Khloe Kardashian dropped out at the last minute, because she was too scared. Something in the milk ain't clean about that. My guess is that Khloe's opponent figured out who she was fighting and immediately dug a hole out of that bitch. Khloe could make us all blackout just by growling.

Why does Lamar Odom look like he's breaking into his own wedding shot? Notice how he's creeping on in like "Remember me?!" No, we don't. And Khloe Kardashian won't remember his ass either in a couple of months when this bootleg marriage calls it a day.

So, this is what $300,000 bought OK! Magazine. I hope they kept the receipt, because this wasn't even worth two food stamps and a punch card from Arby's. Let's be real, it farts volumes that dim, dude and dumb are sitting in the front while Lamar has been shoved to the back like a prop. And I don't know why Khloe let this happen, because she should be pissed that she's the bride, yet she's the fugliest thing in that shot. Shit, they should've thrown the veil on Lamar. Dude would've made a better bride. I mean, they couldn't use the "de-beast" tool on Khloe to keep her from looking like a fat skunk (no offense to Mr. Bumble) who is staring at us like we're a bacon and butter sandwich?

If OK! Magazine wanted to put a man-on-man wedding on their cover, they should've went with Michael K. Cole and Jamil Smith's luxurious affair. Because this shit right here.....is....well...it's just shit. Poop and simple.

Last week, Life & Style took us into the world of 3-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (smells like paninis and plane fuel). This week, they take us into the world of these two heavy flow maxi pads. Yeah, where's the Chinatown bus that goes back to Shiloh's world, because I CAN'T with these twats!

Khloe and Kim are queefing about how they lost a ton of weight by using some stupid crap called QuickTrim (PLUG! PLUG! PLUG!) and "exercising." They both blabbed about how they want to tone up more, but are happy with their bodies. BLAH! Then Khloe farted that she lost 25lbs and is a size 6 now. Kim said she weighs 114lbs. 114lbs total, not just her ass. Yeah, I know.

We would all lose 25lbs in a quick minute if we constantly ate up the diet supplement known as Vitamin COKE and spent the day sweating like a pig from chasing relevancy. And Khloe's thighs only look like that because they were slathered with Photoshop jelly.

(Image VIA Cover Awards)

Since they will give a perfume to absolutely anyone (I'm sure even your dealer has one), it's no surprise that Kim Kardassian is coming out with her own queef juice in a bottle.

Kim said that her fragrance will start collecting dust in the storage room of a Walgreens sometime next year. Kim added, “Collaborating with Lighthouse Beauty was a really creative, innovative process. What’s so different about their approach is that they have worked closely with me on all aspects of my fragrance, the bottle, the juice, and even our distribution strategy so I can develop a product that truly represents me and speaks to my fans. Because of their commitment to including me in the process, the fragrance really captures who I am.”

Hmm....Really capture who she is? That means Kim's perfume will smell like Brandy's first piss of the morning (Ray J wasn't available), piping hot butt crack butter, Khloe's nustack sweat, the blood from a warthog Khloe caught during her midnight hunt and desperation (which basically smells like Kourtney's saliva).

Not only will Kim's perfume make you smell like a real asshole, but it can also help to relieve the pain of a jellyfish sting.

VIA WWD

Oh, well fuck. One of those Kardashian hos went and got themselves knocked up! E!'s Marc Malkin is saying that Kourtney "The Other One" Kardashian has a BABY!!!! growing in her womb. The father is apparently Khloe Kardashian. I told that bitch to pull out! No, the father is really Claire Cruise. Joking again! Apparently, Kourtney isn't saying who the father is. Probably because she doesn't know. Call Maury!

A few days ago, E! asked her if she was back with her ex-boyfriend Scott, she said, "You're going to have to see on the show." Coincidentally, Kourtney's reality show debuts on E! this weekend.

Yeah, Kourtney should name her baby "Ratings Ploy Kardashian."

Image: Bauer Griffin

And here we have two young girls crying with excitement, because they are posing with amateur porn star Kim Kardassian at the Grove in Hollywood yesterday. Or maybe they're crying because Kim is wearing cropped Hammer pants? No, wishful thinking. They are really freaking out over the fact that they met Kim Kardassian. Um, refresh my memory. When is the world supposed to end exactly?

First it was LeAnn Rimes and her baby gayfaced husband, then it was Joe Jonas and his eyebrow soulmate and now it's Kim Kardassian and Reggie Bush! Fart it ain't so! It's the week of break-ups! So if your fuck time partner says they "need to talk" and you're not ready to quit the ass, tell them you got the oink flu and to check on you next week.

Kim Kardassian's spokeswhore confirms that she's no longer letting Reggie motorboat her naaaaaalgas (so big needs extra As). A source claims, "Nobody cheated. This is just a case of conflicting schedules and their lives going in different directions. It was a totally mutual decision."

The fact that this "source" states nobody cheated, means somebody passed their genitals around on the down low. All signs point to Reggie. Dude plays football for a living, so he probably wet humps anything with nipples. Note to self: The next time you come across Reggie Bush, flash them nipples.

And I love the whole "scheduling conflicts" shit! Like that bitch does anything. Yes, Kim, being useless is more than a full-time job.

Not an album of farts. Not an album of queefs. Not an album of fuck moans. Not an album of ass cheek clapping. Although, if she claps her ass really fast I'm sure it can whistle Juvenile's "Back That Ass Up." That album would go double toilet paper roll. No, Kim Kardassian is working on an album of MUSIC. At least that's what she's calling it.

BET says that Kim is in the studio working on an "R&B flavored" album. I guess Ray-J taught her everything she needs to know about R&B while he was slapping her nalgas with his Frankenpeen.

Kim recently spoke out about making "music," “I’d have to hear a song and feel it out and see if it’s something I’d sound good at. I would like the music to sound a bit like Lady GaGa, Britney Spears and J.Lo with a bit of an R’n’B twist to it… Filming the video would be fun, that would be the best bit…”

Oh! So that's why Kim wants to get into the business. Bitch just needs another reason to act like a ho. Kim has already peppered her extreme skankness on TV, the internet, magazines, DVDs and on every member of the NFL, so now she's taking on music. Or should I say "destroying" music. Bitch, don't you know that you don't need to put out an actual album to act like a big ass slut in a music video? That's what YouTube is for!

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

The Tush and The Bush are engaged to be married! That's what a rep for Kim Kardassian told Star Magazine. No word on when the wedding is. No word on when the baby is due either. SHUT UP! I know. That's the first thing I thought when I read that shit. Then I thought about how that fetus is going to be one lucky mofo. Obviously, Kim's womb will be his main home, but if he wants he can buy a timeshare in her ass. That way he has like a weekend place to chill out at. That fetus will be a jet setter before it's even born! From womb to ass to womb to life!

And Kim doesn't even have to worry about one of those ring bearing brats effing her wedding! She can carry the ring pillow on her ass! It's better that way. I've been to so many wedding where the ring bearer drops the ring. Everybody laughs, but you know the bride is thinking, "This little bitch is ruining my day." This won't happen to Kim, because she could balance a ping pong ball on her ass. And I'm sure she has in Tijuana.

Also, when Kim walks down the aisle, this will be the first time in history where the caboose actually leads the train.

UPDATE: Bitch ain't engaged. She wrote this on her blog, “I am not engaged!!! My new publicist was talking with Star Magazine earlier today and accidentally referred to Reggie as my fiance so they posted the news on their website! There have been so many rumors flying around recently about Reggie and I being engaged that she assumed we were! So, sorry Star Magazine for ruining your exclusive! It's totally my publicist's fault haha.”