Kim Kardashian

Since Kim Kardashian is trying to beat the jockstrap's record by wrapping herself around as many professional athlete dicks as possible, she has apparently started down low fucking on Mark Sanchez, the quarterback for the New York Jets. The sports blog Terez Owens (via Radar) is hearing that Kim clamped her ham hocks around Mark while filming the first season of Kourtney & Kim Take It Up The Ass and they recently started up again. Mark has a girlfriend, but that hasn't stopped him from trying to conquer Kim's Mount Doom ass whenever they're in the same city. The source put it like this:

“Kim and Mark like to meet in hotels for dinner dates and flings. Whenever Kim is in New York, they hang out. They are very careful with not being seen together, Mark is seeing someone!”

Okay, the source lost me at "very careful with not being seen together." Kim not wanting to be seen is like Khloe not wanting to drag a small dog by the neck up to her den in the hills every time she sees one. It's instinct! Kim isn't powered by a beating heart and working internal organs like us. Bitch gets her energy from eyes looking at her and cameras flashing at her. That's how she feeds the dark orb in her chest. And wasn't Mark Sanchez recently caught doing a 17-year-old or something? And before that he was doing Hayden Pantyairs who looks like one of the boys from The Sandalot with tits. Kim's second face is younger than a preteen, but she's over 30, so I don't think she's the kind Mark pulls his peen out for. Pimp Mama Kris needs to do her research before she leaks fake stories.

Here's Kim walking around Miami last night while looking like a sweet and sour chicken wing.

WARNING: About three seconds after hitting play on this NSFWish mess, a giant sperm fish with a mouth will scare away the afternoon buzz you got from inhaling nitrous out of a whipped cream can in the bathroom.

During Snoop Dogg's web show, he was asked to drop a little few words of unfiltered wisdom into the ear holes of Kris Humphries and this is the hilarious shit that came blazing out of his mouth:

"The first advice is, you dumb ass nigga, you shouldn't have tried to wife the bitch. She's not that type of a ho. She gets around, man. Did you see when Reggie took the bitch to Africa? She was looking at the Africans cause they had bigger dicks than his. He didn't know how to act afterward. They sent his ass to Miami. Reggie the only nigga that bounced back from the bitch. She's cold-blooded. I'm pretty sure she'll have a book in a month talking about all the niggas she got and how she played them. So, my advice is you can’t make a ho a housewife. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel. Let her do what she born to do: ho. Yeah. HO. Punk bitch."

That's funny. That's pretty much the same thing my mom said to the first serious boyfriend I brought home to meet her. And I really hope someone translates Snoop's advice into grunts and snorts so that Kris can actually understand it.

via THR

via HuffPo

The earthquake in Haiti happened almost two years ago, but the news barely pricked through the bubble out of fame's ass that surrounds Kim Kardoucheian when she needed something quick to cloud her image as a greedy scam artist pig whore with the morals of Satan's pre-cum. Pimp Mama Kris went with Haiti, because it's easy enough for Kim to pronounce and the chewed-up brain in her ass will explode out of her b-hole if she has to say a name that's more than two syllables.

The National Enquirer said in their issue last week that just like Kim's spirit animal Mother Teresa, she and Pimp Mama Kris stayed in a $1,000 a night presidential suite, traveled with personal photographers, wiped their hands with disinfectant jizz every time they shook a Haitian's hand and walked in a local fashion show. Sounds about right. It also sounds about right that after each Haitian shook the hand of those she-devil heffas, they shoved their own hand into an open fire and then punched themselves with a flaming open fist for knowingly touching the claw of a demon.

But Kim is saying that The National Enquirer is spitting out lies. Pimp Mama Kris forced one of the Kuntrashian minions (you know that dumb bitch didn't write this) to jump on Kim's blog (via People) to explain that she was only in Haiti to do serious missionary work and to learn more about Maria Bello's charity:

While my experience was completely life-changing… a very emotional and surprisingly positive journey that I will never forget, some media outlets have tried to tarnish the motive behind my visit and have written completely ridiculous and untrue things. The National Enquirer wrote that I went to a fashion show in Haiti and then spent a fortune pampering myself! The truth is that I was at the Haitian Artisan Fair, where the amazing men and women who make their jewelry and crafts sell them to visitors to make a living, and I bought some of their beautiful jewelry after the fashion show!! Reading this made me so disappointed in the media.

Taking such a positive thing and writing something malicious and untrue. The journalists obviously didn’t bother to do their research and instead published a ridiculous story to sell copies. I have ignored all of this until now, but because I wanted to write a few blogs about my experience, I felt I needed to address this first. I have become accustomed to dealing with rumors and lies spread about my family or my relationships, and have learned to ignore it to a certain extent. But when a magazine makes the decision to twist the truth and write lies like that, it belittles the entire experience we had in Haiti, and I won’t let them do that.

I think it’s important that I share my experiences with you all, rather than you read false reports in the media. I have some really great stories and photos from my trip and I’m so excited to share them with you all! Xo

Oh, yes, Kim. You were only in Haiti on a charity mission (the charity being YOURSELF) and to learn more. I mean, posing for pictures in Haiti is so much harder than posing for pictures on a red carpet in Las Vegas. That's what Princess Diana used to say back in the day, and fuck, she was right. It was also so giving of you to wear 10 pounds of whore paint on your face instead of 20, so you can look really concerned and like one of the people. Such a giving hole (on purpose typo and don't you move it).

The National Enquirer does tell lies from time to time, but I'd believe a fart out of a bull's asshole before I'd believe anything that came out of a Kardashian's mouth. Besides, that priceless "I know this fraudulent cunt is going to try to pass this off as charity work" side-eye the girl in the corner is throwing tells us everything we need to know.

And the person who made that necklace around Kim's neck just earned a special place in my heart. I mean, a necklace that looks like a wooden toilet seat? This is the new portrait of perfect.

What's that saying? You can Photoshop a skid mark, but it's still a skid mark. The Kardashians proved that saying right for their annual sacrifice to the Adobe Gods. Last year's Karkrashian Khristmas Kard theme was "kreepy, kooky & kunty" and this year's theme is obviously hall of the sequined dead souls. This is the picture that's on the cover of the pamphlet Lucifer hands you when you're about to sign your soul over to him and he wants to make sure you're making an educated decision that's best for you.

These whores didn't even pose together. They took their pictures separately, threw them all under the silhouette of three giant titty balls (or are those used condoms?) and used the constipation tool to make all of them look like wax mannequins with the hard shits. They also pulled pounds of Sasquatch blubber from Khloe's legs and piled it all on Kourtney's ass. Not to mention that Pimp Mama Kris is the only one not wearing black and white. A wreck. But it was nice of those Kardashians to represent Kris Humphries' personality with that wooden chair in the back.

And this mess also comes in 3D. When you put on the glasses, a double stream of Ray J's piss comes splashing at you. Happy Pissmas from the Kuntrashians!

Good Morning America gave you a visual answer to the question "What would an interview with a caveman statue from the Museum of Natural History look like?" when they interviewed Kris Humphries today. Despite the fact that GMA pretty much promoted this interview as "Kris Humphries finally breaking his silence on his marriage to Kim Kardashian," he wanted to talk about anything but the butt. Kris was there to bust out brain farts about basketball, basketball, baking cookies with his mom, basketball and basketball. But GMA's Josh Elliott could give a Khloe Kardashian dingle about basketball and kept bringing up his joke of a fake marriage.

This interview was almost more uncomfortable than me watching the nurse try to keep a straight face while asking me a bunch of questions before my STD test. Since I know you don't want to sit through a 5-minute video of Josh Elliott and Kris Humphries talking from totally different pages, here's the transcript. I typed it out word for word:

Josh: So Kris, how's it going?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: What has this experience been like?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: A lot of people found the divorce filing shocking. What did you think when she did it?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: You responded by filing for a legal separation and an annulment. What do you hope the court will decide in regard to the annulment?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Do you still love her?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Kris, tell me, what one object would give a more exciting interview than you?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Thanks for that, Kris. Who would you rather? Kris Jenner or a basketball?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Just one more question before I let you go, Kris. Your IQ is that of a....
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Wait, wait, just one more thing. Please don't say the word "basketball" again. PLEASE! I beg of you.
Kris: .........cookie.
Josh: Thank you!
Kris: Basketball.

A source tells TMZ that as soon as the interview ended, Kris was whining about how he felt he was set up. Kris only agreed to go on GMA after they promised to only stick to questions about basketball, his obesity foundation and cookies (nobody tell Kris that cookies and obesity aren't exactly friends). But a rep for GMA says they made it clear during the pre-interview that there would be no rules.

Is Kris stupid enough to think that GMA's focus wasn't going to be about his marriage to Kim Karkrashian? Wait. Here's a better question: Am I stupid enough to actually ask that last question after watching Kris be the epitome of dumb during that interview above?

Pimp Mama Kris has gone too far this time in her campaign to paint Kris Humphries as an evil monstrous cunt oaf who stomped all over Kim's fairytale dreams. This cover of Star Magazine, obviously curated by Kris Jenner, is offensive, wrong, inhumane, illegal, goes against everything I believe in and should be reported to the proper authorities. I mean, when I saw this mess of a cover the first thing that came to my mind was that Dynasty storyline about Steve Carrington coming out of the closet after marrying Sammy Jo. The Kardashians and the Church of Dynasty are not supposed to touch in my head. That's like Lucifer walking hand-in-hand with Jesus. That's like serving me a plate of dog shit and Velveeta Shells & Cheese (aka the caviar of processed cheese meals). Pimp Mama Kris' suite in hell better be downgraded to an economy room for this. Too low, too low.

Anyway, sources tell Star that Kim thinks that Kris might love dick, because after they got married he didn't want to fuck her and only wanted to watch sports. Kim might have a point, because I don't know many straight dudes who can calmly sit in front of a TV all day watching a bunch athletes who have pissed on and fucked his wife several times. Moving on....

TMZ reports Kris is fighting back against the four-headed Kuntrashian monster by filing to annul his ten-second marriage to Kim on the grounds that she defrauded him into playing her fake groom. Kris believes that Kim only married him for the advertising money and attention while he did it for love. Kris wants Kim to pay his lawyer's fees. But wait. A source close to Kim (read: KRIS JENNER) says the marriage was also real to her and she only filed for divorce, because she was told she can only annul a marriage if there's proof of impotency, incest, bigamy, unsound mind, force or fraud.

I realize that Kris is a neanderthal who was recently discovered frozen in a block of ice and then was brought back to the living by scientists, but is he really that slow in the brains? Accusing Kim Kardashian of being a fraud is like accusing me of being a dumb slut. We already know. If you Google "Kim Kardashian is a fraud" it takes you to DUH.com. Kris was obviously in on the sham marriage and he's totally in on the sham divorce. Kris is a fraud. Kim is a fraud. They're all frauds and they've obviously ruined our beliefs in true love and the realness of reality TV. Let's all sue them for fraud. Call Gloria Allred!

Seen here locking out Kim Kardashian's check cashing cooch until Pimp Mama Kris finds a suitable (read: dumb, rich, famous and with a bladder that's always ready to party) suitor for her to suck the life out of, the KKK are on January's cover of Glamour (just read that as "Glum Whore" and it'll make more sense) Magazine and are giving their first interview since they pulled a giant scam on everyone. The already annoying interview turned into an annoying dry queef fest about how Kim's dream of becoming a mom at 30 is officially dead and it's only a matter of time before Pimp Mama Kris closes a deal with E! for a 16 hour-long "Kim & Her Uterus Say Goodbye To Each Other FOREVER" special. After Kim covered the permanently-attached silicone alien mask on her face with a "WOE IZ ME" mask, the KKK got deep:

Kim: ...I think I'll always be a hopeless romantic.

GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that?

Kim: It means that I believe in love and the dream of having a perfect relationship, but my idea of it has changed. I think I need to not live in a fairy tale like that. I think I maybe need to just snap out of it and be a little more realistic.

Khloé: I love Kim's belief in love and the fact that she feels so strongly about it. She has that dream every girl has.

Kim: Well, I don't think I have it right now.

Khloé: Which is fine, but I'm your sister and I know why you don't have it right now. But I know you will get it again.

Kim: I hope I do. But by then I hope maybe I'm a little bit more realistic.

GLAMOUR: Realistic about what?

Kim: The fact that what I want isn't possible.

Khloé: What, a guy on a white horse coming to get you? That doesn't happen!

Kim: I don't know. I always wanted what Mom and Dad had. And at first I was like, I want six kids. Then I went down to four, then I was down to three.and now I'm like, maybe I won't have any. Maybe I'll just be a good aunt.

Khloé: But Mom and Dad got a divorce, and she met Bruce. And you were a child; you don't know what Mom and Dad had. As an outsider looking in, it probably looked like paradise.

Kim: At this moment in my life, I feel like maybe I'm not supposed to have kids and all that.

Khloé: Oh my God. Don't be dramatic all of a sudden!

Kim: That's how I feel. Maybe my fairy tale has a different ending than I dreamed it would. But that's OK.

Before Pimp Mama Kris ran that interview through the fake machine, it really read like this:

Kim: .....I think I'll always be a hopeless famewhore.

GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that?

Kim: It means that I believe in whoring myself out for fame at any cost and dreaming of having permanent relevancy, but the game has changed. I think I need to be choosier about the fake husbands I cast. Did you see the first episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York? Of course you did. Over 3 million stupid fucks did. Cha-ching, beyotches! You saw how Kris farted in my sister's face on camera. He farted on my sister on camera! I know Kris was my stage husband, but he signed a contract in blood stating that I'm the only one he's supposed to perform a bodily function on in front of the cameras. I was humiliated! How can I have a publicity stunt baby with a monster who farts on my sister? That's cheating!

Khloé: Wookie like eating baby. Wookie like eating baby.

Kim: Um. Anyway, back to me. I don't have that dream anymore.

Khloé: But Wookie want baby to NOM NOM on.

Kim: No, you dumb dumb! I'm still going to have a baby, but I'm going to be a little bit more materialistic about it and I don't need a fake husband to do it.

GLAMOUR: Materialistic how?

Kim: Everybody is having a baby with their husbands. That's been done, is boring and only gets you a maximum of 3 People Magazine covers. That's why I'm going to get knocked up and won't tell anybody who the father is. The evil scientists at E! are making a fetus out of my old face and all the used condoms I stole from Reggie Bush's trash can as we speak. Think of all the magazine covers, specials and endorsement deals with Indentigene! There'll be a "Who Shot A Load In Kim's Pussy?" special and covers of Life & Style will be flying out of my twat like black dick does. You stupid Americans will eat it up and I'll be more rich and more famous than ever. I'm so glad dad sold my soul to the devil to get O.J. off. No morals equals more money! Cha-ching!

Khloé: Wookie happy about having baby to nibble nibble.

Kim: Wait! How did you sneak into the middle again? Get back, beast! Back! I'm the Chynna! You're the Carnie! To the side where you belong.

Pimp Mama Kris recently said that her main prized pig Kim Kuntrashian has such a giving soul (more like giving hole) and always quietly gives to charity without getting any attention for doing so. Pimp Mama Kris proved to be right yesterday when Kim graciously took a break from her busy schedule of being the whoring whore of all whoring whores to feed the homeless at the Los Angeles Mission while surrounded by a team of bodyguards, half a dozen paparazzos, a make-up artist, a hairstylist, a camera crew and the souls of a dozen dead turkeys eye rolling at this blatant publicity stunt. TOTALLY INCOGNITO!

Jennifer Love Hewitt is where the word "desperate" goes to feel better about itself and yet she still doesn't look 1/10th as desperate as Kim looks. Just look at this transparent trollop dressed like "real people" and acting like she didn't drop that ladle and run to her chauffeured SUV the minute the cameras stopped clicking. Kim could find the cure for cancer in her queefs while curing a dozen orphans of the urinary retention they suffer from by baring her ass (Fact: When Kim bares her ass, the piss just comes shooting out of your piss hole), and we'd still see her as a fame whoring STUNT QUEEN heffa whore. That is the truest story ever told.

And haven't the homeless people been through enough? They're already homeless and then they had to sit there while a skank gave them their meal. They came for Thanksgiving dinner, not Skanksgiving dinner.

It is so damn slow today that I'm dangerously close to cumming in a banana peel and calling it news. Actually, I just might, because that would probably be a tad bit more interesting (not really) than this mess from Life & Style. Their sources say that the reincarnation of Herman Munster, Kris Humphries, is planning to herp derp out a $10 million lawsuit against his fraudulent wife Kim Kuntrashian and E! for smearing his wholesome image by portraying him as a homophobic doucheknob on Kourtney & Kim Take It Up The Ass. Well, I've always looked at Kris as a gigantic block wood whose head produces slobber instead of thoughts, so now seeing him as a gigantic block of wood whose head actually produces thoughts (even homophobic ones) is almost a step up. But Kris doesn't agree and is going to sue the piss stains off of Kim as soon as he figures out how to operate a Yellow Pages and look up the number for a local "loyurr."

The source says that Kris is worried about a scene in a upcoming episode of Kourtney & Kim where he goes after Kim's best friend Jonathan Cheban. Kris pokes at Jonathan about being gay even though Jonathan is completely straight. The source went on to say, "Jonathan isn't gay, but Kris accuses him of being gay and criticizes him for it in a really homophobic way. Jonathan is really upset. Kris used the word 'gay' as an insult, to try and hurt Jonathan. He's the lowest of the low bullying someone like this."

Kris' father William Humphries, who has a PhD in OBVIOUS, believes his son was set up and that "Kris got used --100 percent used."

Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris has put the training she learned in White Oprah's "Voices of Many Sources" class at The Fame Whore Academy to good use by calling up UsWeekly as an "unknown tipster." The "unknown tipster" said this about how Kris treated Kim:

"He tried to control Kim by bring her down...He would say truly terrible things. One time, he said she had no talent and her fame wouldn't last. [He even called her a] fat ass.

So not only is Kris a gigantic block of wood whose head actually produces thoughts, but sometimes his head produces thoughts that are 100% correct. This fake marriage and even more fake divorce has really transformed his reputation as dumber than a dingle to this country's foremost free thinker. Move over, Megan Fox.

And yeah, all together now: JONATHAN CHEBAN DOESN'T LIKE DICK?!