Brace Yourselves, Kim Kardashian Is Knocked Up With Kanye's Baby And That Means The World Is Going To Explode
You know how you were taking a walk on Sunday night and a drop of white goop fell on your forehead? You thought it was just a pigeon shitting from above. But nope, that wasn't it. It was Pimp Mama Kris' panty pudding flying out of her snatch after she learned that the STUNT QUEEN BABIES of all STUNT QUEEN BABIES is in her daughter's womb. At his show in Atlantic City, Gay Fish announced that he put a baby in Kim Kardashian. The Mayans got it wrong. December 21, 2012 wasn't supposed to be the last day of the world. It's (insert the date that Kim butt births out her first born). I CAN'T even, so I'll let E! News take it from here:
E! News has confirmed with the Kardashian family that Kim is expecting her first child with the rapper. But it was West who already spilled the exciting news to a few hundred concertgoers.
During his Atlantic City show on Sunday night, West decided to announce that Kim was expecting to all his fans. Kanye West says he "ain't crazy."
And the congratulatory tweets have already begun for the future parents. "Congrats to Kim and Kanye. Happy for both of them... bit.ly/YE4Uzh," Russell Simmons tweeted, while the Kardashians all showed their joy for the newest member of the family. "Im a happy girl !!!!!!!!! Wowza! Oh BABY BABY BABY," Kris Jenner tweeted. Khloé Kardashian Odom wrote, "Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!!! LOVE is everything!!!!" Kourtney Kardashian also went to Twitter with, "Been wanting to shout from the rooftops with joy and now I can! Another angel to welcome to our family. Overwhelmed with excitement!"
Kim is about 12 weeks pregnant.
12 weeks?! That means Kim Kartrashian is going to birth out a baby about the same time as Duchess Kate is going to push out the future Queen of King of England. Oh here go hell come. We should all say goodbye to oxygen, because Kim's ass is going to get so HUGE that it's going to take over most of the world and all of our faces will be pressed against he earth's surface when she reaches her last trimester.
And well, now we know that you can get knocked up from letting your piece piss on your ass. And I bet the Illuminati's chosen one will be named King Kimye. Lord help us all! Jesus take the bedazzled wheel.
Happy Holidays!! That seems to be what's going through Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's minds along with the rest of us. For those of you who don't believe in true love or holiday spirit, feast your eyes upon these pics of a perfect couple leaving Kung Pao Bistro in WeHo and rejoice. It's better than ham, or turkey, or Spam (side eyes MK in Hawaii) or whatever you're serving up for holiday dinner.
Just look at them. Have you ever seen a couple more obviously in love?? Try not to hate on the fabulous time that they are surely reveling in, and just focus on the deep love they feel for each other and have hope that yes, though you're not wearing a $20K bubble skirt mess and your bf doesn't clown on you with every new outfit, you too can experience true love.
Since I've already hammered Courtney Stodden's holiday greatness into your heads, I don't feel bad for posting this. It's almost a palate cleanser at this point. It's the thinly sliced raw ginger root of the blogosphere.
Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren And Judi Dench Can Have A Seat Now That Kim Kardashian Is Here To Take Their Roles
Kim Kardashian's film career has really come full circle. Kim started out in the world of cinema by playing a half-dead seal who gets clubbed by Ray-J's boomerang dick and now she's starring opposite Ray-J's sister in a movie where she plays a wooden mannequin who was brought to life (I'm being generous with "brought to life") when the Blue Fairy pissed on her. This is the trailer for Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor and it's about a marriage counselor (duh) who confesses (duh) about having an affair with a rich and possibly evil man, because her boring husband puts her pussy to sleep.
The cast list reads like a game of One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other. It stars Denise from Full House, Vanessa Williams (doing some kind of Caribbean accent), Lance Gross, Brandy, Robbie Jones and Kim Kardashian.
Kim must've went to the same acting academy as Bristol Palin, because they both have the emotional range of a warped wooden butt plug. I've had interactions with Siri that were more human and natural than the interaction Kim has with Denise from Full House in that trailer. On a positive note, at least we know that Kim can sort of read since she obviously read those lines off of cue cards. And by "cue cards," I mean penises. They wrote her lines on penises.
And here's Kim walking around today.
Because Khloe Kardashian was busy hunting the woods for wart hogs to sacrifice to her kreator and Scott Disick was busy douching out his b-hole with Drakkar Noir, they both had to be Photoshopped into the Kardashian's annual assault on the holidays. Nothing says "family togetherness" like being Photoshopped into your family Christmas card. Last year's theme was "A Bunch of Plastic Tits," the year before's theme was "Konstipated Ghouls" and this year's theme must be "Tampon Ads in Hell" or "Devils in White."
When you go to the afterworld and step out of the elevator, not knowing if it went up or down, and see this image before, don't be fooled by all the happiness and white. If you look closely, you'll see their dead souls and dead eyes. You're not in heaven, you're in the bottom bowels of Hell. You were tricked! I really don't know what's more hilarious, Kim's Predator hair, Scott's amateur Barbizon pose or Bruce Jenner looking like a late-in-life lesbian at a beachside commitment ceremony (read: Bruce has never looked hotter). Kanye Kardashian isn't there, but it was nice of the family to pay homage to him by dressing up like maxi-pads and tampons.
And poor Mercy (RIP), even all the Photoshop in the world couldn't wipe away her permanent miseryface:
But kudos to the photographer for making the entire family look happy by screaming out, "SAY MONAY!"
It's a good thing that Pimp Mama Kris removed all of Kim Kardashian's internal organs and gave them to Lucifer as a sacrifice years ago, because that's the only way she was able to squeeze into this size 0 leather skirt and toddler shirt. Looks like ten pounds of skank in a five pound leather sack that was sloppily packed by Kanye. Bitch is serving up several servings of soufflé.
Kim must think breathing is overrated or she learned how to breathe out of her asshole, which is entirely possible. And will somebody tell Kourtney Kardashian that this isn't Designing Women and she ain't Suzanne Sugarbaker, so she needs to take that outfit off. Bitch already looks like a fool, but wearing Suzanne Sugarbaker's favorite church suit is making her look like an even bigger fool.
I swear, these two need to stop trying to make the fupa curtain happen. And Kim needs to leave the leather skirt-wearing to Kanye.
Kim Kardashian had an adorable white pussy named Mercy (after one of Kanye's songs... let's all eye roll together now) and that poor, tortured kitten always looked like she was on the verge of committing suicide and now we know why. Mercy not only had to worry about Kim's steam roller ass crushing her to death and Pimp Mama Kris using her as a sacrifice to Lucifer, but she also had a stomach infection. I think "stomach infection" is PR code for "khlamydia she kaught from Kim."
Just like marriage, Kim couldn't commit to Mercy and gave her away after only a few months together. Kim said in a post on her blog that she didn't know she was allergic to pussy until Mercy lived with her for a while and what she really means by that is she grew allergic to the fact that Mercy was no longer getting her extra attention from the paps. Kim gets Botox and the coagulated sperm of Satan injected into her face daily, but she refused to get injections for her allergies to keep Mercy. So Kim gave Mercy to Khloe Kardashian's assistant Sydney. The cat Sydney took care of for 17 years recently died, so Kim thought that maybe Mercy would fill the hole in her heart. But after only two weeks with Sydney, Mercy got really sick and the vet had to send her on a one-way trip to heaven. Here's the press release about Mercy's death that was totally not written by Kim. If you don't feel like reading it, then in a few weeks you can watch Kim recite it on E!'s Tribute to KIM KARDASHIAN's cat Mercy starring KIM KARDASHIAN!
It is with deep sadness that I have to tell you all that my kitten, Mercy, has passed away. My heart is completely broken.
When I first got Mercy, I had never lived with a cat before and so I had no idea that I was allergic. I thought that it might pass, but after a few weeks I decided to go visit two separate allergists, one of whom said my allergies wouldn’t get any better unless I started taking injections. I had fallen SO in love with Mercy that I wanted to try everything I could to keep her, but I didn’t think it was safe to resort to injections, and it wasn’t fair on Mercy, because I couldn’t play with her or give her as much attention as I wanted to. Mercy deserved a mom who could really give her the time and affection she deserved. I knew that Sydney, Khloe’s assistant, who had recently lost a cat she had loved and cared for for 17 years, would be the perfect mom for Mercy and Sydney was so excited to have Mercy as her own!
Sydney gave Mercy a loving home, but after a couple of weeks Mercy got really sick and Sydney had to rush her to the vet. They discovered she had a stomach problem that we weren’t aware of. Her stomach had filled with fluid and the doctor said she had a rare stomach cancer and that there was nothing we could do for her. Poor little Mercy died the very next day. It broke not only my heart that little Mercy died at only four months old, but Sydney’s too.
Mercy was a gentle and loving kitten and we are all going to miss her so much. Thanks to Sydney for making Mercy’s short life one filled with love.
RIP Mercy Xo
Poor Mercy. Most of her days alive were spent as a Kardashian publicity prop. Let's hope that she faked her death to escape those bitches and is now living in the Cat House on Kings.
Rest in peace, Mercy...
Poor girl left her house for a milkshake, she didn't leave her house for a Kartrashian. That's a face that clearly says, "I lost my appetite." I feel your pain, girl.
Kim Kardashian is used to swallowing a thick, creamy load for a dollar, so she was the obvious choice to open the newest Millions of Milkshakes in Kuwait. The future United Nations Goodwill Ambassador isn't only in the Middle East to pimp out milkshakes, she's also there to learn more about the Israel-Palestine conflict. To which I say:
And "Not Here For This" girl's reaction is also my reaction to the Gosselin milkshake, the Lindsay Lohan milkshake and Kim's dress. Kim looks straight out of a 90s remake of Tron. If Kanye is trying to stop the rumors that he likes to lick peen by dressing Kim like shit, it's working. He can stop now.
Hillary Clinton can cancel her trip to the Middle East, because future Secretary of State Kim Kartrashian is on her way there (sort of, not really) and will make everything better.
A few days ago, Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig got a bunch of death threats after she tweeted her support for Israel, and later Palestine, while not knowing what in the hell she was talking about. Kim is going to Kuwait and Bahrain to show her plastic face at the openings of several Millions of Milkshakes and while she's there she plans to get educumacateded on the conflict in the Middle East.
A source tells TMZ that Kim has already set up meetings with local leaders, because "she wants to be as informed as possible ... so she can use her celebrity to help those in need and raise awareness about important issues in the area."
Oh, to be a fly on Kim's ass when the local leaders try to keep her attention by acting out the history of the Israeli–Palestinian conflict using dick puppets. I mean, Kim Kuntrashian is not one to look away from dick puppets. You know, I'll give Kim a break this time. Bitch is so dumb that I'm surprised she didn't go to the Morocco Pavilion at Epcot Center to try to learn about the conflict between Israel and Palestine. ("She already did." - a cast member at the Morocco Pavilion)
Here's Kim and the slower one getting the Key to Miami at some ceremony the other day. When Kim's off trying to bring peace to the Middle East, Miami should change the locks.
Last year, the Marine Corps Ball in North Carolina got a visit from Mila Kunis, and this year they ended up with the ho stroll's ambassador Kim Kardashian. How did they go from Mila Kunis to Kim Kardashian? That means next year their celebrity guest will be the nasty ho from Flavor of Love #2 who shat on the floor. Actually, that would be an upgrade from Kim Kardashian.
Sgt. Martin Gardner invited Kim to the Marine Corps Ball a few months ago and since she can't say no to balls (and free photo-ops), she accepted his invitation. Kim wanted it to be known that she was in the middle of shooting the CDC's documentary Contagion: Kim And Kourtney Infect Miami, but she moved her schedule around so she'd be able to fly to North Carolina. I don't know whether to laugh, cry or craugh at the fact that one of the most useless Americans was pretty much the star guest at a ball honoring some of the most important Americans. These Marines almost died just so they could eat Chicken a la King next to Ray-J's former urinal cake.
And it's all fun, games and under-the-table hand jobs until all of the Marines are diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from suffering through a Kardashian publicity stunt.
This is the kind of classic look we should all expect from a woman who is supposedly an authority on high fashion and who gets paid actual money to judge fashion deeeeeeeezines. If Ed Hardy started its own country, this is what Miss Ed Hardy would wear to the Miss Universe pageant. You can find a sophisticated gown like this at any low-range stripper store on Industrial Road in Las Vegas, but Heidi Klum got hers from the House of Versace. Donatella Versace really does have a special gift for making ladies look the "house girl" of an illegal Russian casino. If the front of your gown doesn't tie up like a pair of sneakers, you're doing elegance wrong.
Heidi Klum hosted the MTV EMAs in Frankfurt, Germany last night and put all the hos to shame when she stepped out on the red carpet wearing a gown that looked like what you'd get if one of Elvis' jumpsuits had sex reassignment surgery. Perfection personified. Surprisingly, the EMAs didn't happen just so Heidi could wear this dress, they also handed out some awards to these bitches. via The Daily Mail:
Best Song - Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
Best New Act - One Direction
Best Female Act - Taylor Swift
Best Male Act - Justin Bieber
Best Pop Act - Justin Bieber
Best Live Act - Taylor Swift
Best Hip Hop - Nicki Minaj
Best Rock Act - Linkin Park
Best Electronic Act - David Guetta
Best Alternative Act - Lana Del Rey
Best Video - Gangnam Style (Psy)
Best Look - Taylor Swift
Biggest Fans - One Direction
Best Worldwide Act - Han Geng
Best World Stage - Justin Bieber
Best Push - Carly Rae Jepsen
Global Icon - Whitney Houston
I'm sure that's exactly what the Grammys' winners list will look like next year.
And here's some tricks and tramps who were lucky enough to get doused with the elegance Heidi Klum served up: Kim Kartrashian (looking like trash barfing up trash), Alicia Keys, Jedward with The Hoff, Rita Ora, Taylor Swift, Blahna Del Meh and Carly Rae Jepsen.