Kim Kardashian

Thousands of people in the UK went through the following thought process while trying to see the American trash heap heffas that are the Kardashians at the launch of their hideous fashion line:

1. "Oh, I think I'll go to the Westfield London Shopping Centre to see a bunch of American whores!"

Now, you'd think that after that thought, they'd realize that they could waste hours of their lives on waiting to see the Kuntrashians or they could do something more useful like bleach their own assholes with a Clorox pen or put a coat of paint on their assholes and watch it slowly dry in a handheld mirror.

2. "Okay, I'm here, and wow, there's thousands of people in front of me and some waited overnight to see three pieces of trash who are about as talented as a popped pimple on a dog's ass." 

At the point, they probably should've stopped and asked themselves if they really wanted to be grouped in with a bunch of crazy ass bitches who camped out overnight and slept on the ground to see the Kuntrashians at a damn mall.

3. "They've finally opened the doors and everyone's rushing in and some people are fainting from the excitement!"

That's when I'd just give up on life, lay down on the ground and let everyone stampede over me.

Seriously, the Daily Mail said that thousands of people waited hours to see three hams covered in bronzer. Who waits that long to see a Kardashian? Don't they know that it's really easy to see one of those talentless whores. Just a drop 12 inch black dildo in front of a camera and wait about 4 seconds for one of them to start humping it. I swear, the UK's Department of Mental Health missed an opportunity. They should've dropped a giant net on the crowd and dragged them all away.

On the West Coast, Pimp Mama Kris handed out chocolate-covered GPS tracking chips covered to unsuspecting children who have no idea that once they eat it, she'll be able to find them at all times so she can slither into their bedrooms at night and power the dark orb in her chest by siphoning the innocence out of them. And on the East Coast, several of Pimp Mama Kris' hardest working whores whored it up at a Whoreoween party in Miami.

Kim went as Katwoman, Kanye Kardashian went as a gay fish dressed as a bat, the slow one went as Batgirl, the hanger-on one went as The Riddler, someone went as Bruce Jenner and Scott Isadick went as Robin. I like how Scott stuffed his costume pants with a silicone nutsack since PMK confiscated his real ones a long time ago.

In other news, a smog alert was issued for the Miami area and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the musty toxic stench that wafted out of Kim's ass after she was cut out of that rubber katsuit last night.

Carrying her urine sample for a chlamydia test, Kim Kartrashian showed up to Midori's Halloween party in NYC last night dressed up like a rotten fish that needs to be thrown back into the sea. That green skull is reacting the same way I react when I see that Kim has suffocated her Mount Doom ass under ten layers of Spanx and sparkly scales that match the sparkly scales on Gay Fish's dirt star. Kim used a fresh-out-of-the-plastic-bag blond wig from a discount Halloween store to make her plastic face look even more like a Scream mask that was dipped in lead-based bronze paint. Bitch's face is making a stop off in Giuliana Rancic-ville before it goes full Wildenstein.

Apparently, Kim is supposed to be Daryl Hannah in Splash. This makes sense, because in the Director's Cut of Splash, while Darryl Hannah is lying in bath tub, Tom Hanks comes in and pisses all over her tail.

Gay Fish is supposed to be some kind of boat captain, but fool looks more like a Kennedy on Labor Day (shading Taylor Swift?) or like Blaine from Glee or an assistant manager at a Talbots outlet. Kim and Kanye obviously went with a theme this year. The theme being that they both look like cold shit.

You probably can't tell that's Kim Kardashian's ass since it doesn't have a black peen all up in it, but that's Kim Kardashian's ass. "Yes, I'll have an order of the piss-glazed rump roast with a side of cold whore topped with gay sardines" is probably what every diner at Prime 112 in Miami ordered last night when they watched a panty-less Kim stroll in with Kanye West.

Ever since Kanye took over as Kim's head stylist, he's really done his best to make her look like it takes several master sausage casers, a half a dozen pig wranglers, a herd of tugboats and a hundred tubs of mantequilla to get her dressed. The hell is she wearing? A better question is, who the hell does she think she is? Bitch, the year is not 1992 and next to "occupation" on your tax return, you can't write: a member of En Vogue. So give it up, turn it loose!

Speaking of turning it loose, Reggie Bush and his knocked up piece had dinner at a restaurant right next to Prime 112 at the same time Kim and Kanye were making a dining room full of people get the heaves from being exposed to that much smugness. So when Kim and Kanye came out, one of the paps asked her if she wanted to congratulate Reggie for putting a fetus in a trick. That made Kanye bust into one of his theatrical bitch meltdowns and he grabbed at the pap's camera.

Meanwhile, Kim smiled the whole time, because: a) She was getting more attention and; b) Bitch was extra light in the head (and that's saying a lot), because her skirt was on so damn tight.

Somewhere in Miami, Kim Kardashian is loudly bawling while Pimp Mama Kris holds a vial under her face, because Kim's tears are made of 99% Botox and PMK isn't going to waste 'em! (Later, PMK will softly cackle while injecting her daughter's tears into her own forehead.) Kim is all feeling sorry for her stupid ass self, because her old piece Reggie Bush humped a baby into his new piece Lilit Avagyan. Reggie, who has sexed on so many Armenian girls that his dick should be the key to the City of Glendale, called into the Paul and Young Ron Morning Show today to say that he's so happy to be a father and this child is a gift (a gift to Lilit's checking account!) and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. What I think Reggie meant to say is that he's so happy about writing a child support check each  month. That really warms his heart.

Of course, Kim is crying her plastic face off over this, because she thinks she's the one who should be having a baby with Reggie Bush even though Reggie Bush would rather stick his peen in a shark's mouth than have a kid with a Kartrashian. Some source said this to Radar about Kim having the sads over Reggie knocking up some other 'round the way ho:

"Kim is very upset that there are reports out there Reggie has gotten Lilit pregnant. Kim had pressured Reggie for a very long time to get married while they were together because she wanted to have a family with him. Reggie just thought that Kim placed too much of a priority on her fame and reality television though and he wanted none of it. Reggie was a part of the Kardashian family for over five years and deep down Kim has always held out hope that they would end up together, even though she married Kris Humphries. She feels it is a slap in the face that Reggie would consider having a baby with this woman when he wouldn't with her."

Oh, please. Kim will snap out of it as soon as Pimp Mama Kris waves her "happy place" (a hundred dollar bill wrapped around a black dildo) at her. Then Kim will want every party involved to pay. Remember how Kim sued Old Navy for using a look-alike? Well, Kim is going to sue that Lilit trick for copyright infringement for having the same face as her. Kim is going to sue Reggie Bush, because I'm sure there's legal papers somewhere stating that she owns half of his sperm. Then when that baby is born, Kim's going to sue it for having a face that sort of looks like hers. Heffa is going to sue everybody!

And here's that heffa in Miami with Kanye West. I'm starting to think that Kanye is only with Kim to make her look like a bigger fool than she already is, because he totally picked out those stupid ass sunglasses.

Kim Kardashian is still legally married to Amoukar from Quest For Fire and she just barely had her diamond wedding ring turned into hers and hers anal lips rings for her and Kanye Kardashian (nee West), but she's already thinking about how she wants to keep fisting the sanctity marriage in the butt without lube. Tatler Magazine (via Zap2it) committed a blasphemous sin and THE QUEEN should order for all of their heads on a Dixie paper plate, because they interviewed Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig for the same issue that Prince Hot Ginge is on the cover of. That's like opening an Almond Roca and finding a piece of dried caca inside. I hate them for that, but I hate myself more for copy + pasting what came out of Kim's talk hole about her next wedding and Kanye:

"It had always been my dream to have a big wedding, and when people said that I'd made it over the top for the show, that was just me: I am over the top. But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that's it.

He's been there through so many different stages of my life and before I was famous, so this relationship is a different thing entirely. It's good to be aware that he definitely doesn't want anything from me too, because he understands the business. I can't even think about being with anyone else than the man I'm with."

"...with just my friends and family and three crews from E! and the dozens of vendors who are giving me free crap to whore out on my stupid piece of trash and Life & Style Magazine and the paparazzi and officials from the Illuminati who will be there to punch my 'Marry 5 Times for No Reason, Get 1 Free Bottle In The VIP Section In Hell' card." This trash heap heffa is the last bitch on this planet who should get married, but who am I to stand in the way of fame whore love? If Kim wants to make Kanye a wife on an island somewhere, E! should make her dreams come true by booking her on Oceanic Flight 815. I know, that was wrong of me. Even the Smoke Monster doesn't deserve to be around trash like that.

Here's Kim strolling around Miami the other day in an orange bed sheet. Just like me after reading about Kim's love for Gay Fish, her tits are sullen, over it and slowly falling to the floor out of boredom.

On the left is a green insect that you will find a way to shoo outside if you found it crawling on your kitchen floor and on the right is a green insect that you will find a way to shoo outside if you found it crawling on your kitchen floor (hint: just throw a black dildo into your backyard and it'll go running after it).

Kim Kardashian posed with Pimp Mama Kris at some Midori event in L.A. last night wearing a green velvet disco dress that only looked good on all of our moms when they wore it in 1978.

Of course the green beetle has this and I didn't even need to ask. There's no competition. At least if the beetle wanted to shed its shell, IT would be the one doing the shedding, the shell wouldn't shed it. The same cannot be said for Kim Kuntrashian's ass. When Kim climbed into the back of an SUV, her dress couldn't take the pain, humiliation or pressure anymore and tried to quit her double down ass by ripping itself off of her body. Or Pimp Mama Kris is off camera pulling invisible strings attached to that dress to give Kim her own Sofia Vergara STUNT QUEEN moment. Yeah, probably that.

Congratulations. You don't need to do any cardio today, because I'm sure that as you scrolled down you burned calories from your eyeballs getting bigger, bigger and bigger before landing on the whorrifying image of Kim Kartrashian's hips and crotch looking like a bag of marshmallows blowing up in a microwave set to high. 911 operators in Miami were flooded with calls yesterday from terrified citizens who spotted a giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Whore terrorizing the beaches. "I think it just ate a seagull with its ass!" is probably what one citizen will scream on a 911 tape that TMZ will post any minute now I'm sure.

While shooting scenes for Kim & Kourtney Infect Miami, Kim and the slow one made the innocent children scream themselves into old age by stepping outside yesterday. It's a good thing for Kim that her insides are filled with nothing but the coagulated blood of Lucifer, silicone, enough NBA jizz to start her own dream team and bronzer, because if she had human bones, that gold belt would've cracked one of her ribs in two.

I swear, Kanye West must be the Secretary of Defense for the Illuminati, because he's slowly destroying the eyeballs of humanity by turning Kim into a fugly-dressed missile of destruction.

No, that isn't another picture of the immaculate restoration of Ecce Homo. It's icky homo and gay fish Kanye Kardashian (née West) adjusting the video camera so it gets a clear shot of his taco meat-covered mopey titties in action as he breaks a trick like her coochie's a MacBook Air. Since Kanye's heffa ass ho Kim Kartrashian has a sex tape, he made his own so they both have touching memories to share with their future children on family home video night. Radar says they've seen a 20 minute-long video of Kanye pounding into some 18-year-old piece like she's an ALL-CAPS keyboard.

Radar calls Kanye's fuck tape co-star a married Kim Kardashian look-alike who says on camera that she's 18 and she's there because her husband doesn't wet hump her anymore. (No, bitch, you're there because you answered Kanye's Craigslist ad and you messed up your lines. You were supposed to say, "I'm here, because Kanye West is God wrapped in Jesus wrapped in all the apostles and I am surrendering my humble body in the name of everything that is holy and everything that is holy is Kanye. Hash tag YOLO! Hash tag KanyeWestSexTape2012BuyIt!")

Radar also says that Kanye's peen is covered in a rubber the entire time and he doesn't ever kiss his trick on the lips, because he didn't want to smear his Balenciaga lip gloss. ("But Michael, they don't sell Balenciaga lip gloss in stores." - you "Exactly." - me) Some porn industry insider says that the tape was shot right before he started dating Kim and that he broke down in tears (of fame whore joy) when he found out the tape was being shopped around. The porn industry insider went on to say this:

"The sex tape is being shopped right now and there's a lot of interest, but Kanye is freaking out! He doesn't want this tape out and will do anything to make sure it stays private. If this were to hit the market it would be worth a fortune… there would definitely be a lot of people wanting to see this! In my expert opinion Kanye's performance far outweighs Kim's!"

In MY expert opinion, a comatose wart hog's performance far outweighs Kim's.

Please, this staged sex tape mess is just another production from Pimp Mama Kris. If you want to be fully accepted by the Kardashian family, the world has to see your bare ass bouncing in the air on a sex tape. It's not a sex tape, it's an initiation ceremony.

And if you want to see a Kanye sex tape, just watch any one of his music videos. It's nothing but him finger banging his ego raw over and over again.

And here's Kim infecting Melbourne yesterday.

Kim Kardashian likes her dicks black, but unfortunately for this kitten, she likes her pussies white.

Kim must've gotten bored with using her own pussy to get attention, because while filming Khloe & Kim Take Miami, she used another pussy to get extra attention from the cameras. Kim has a new accessory that she named "Mercy" after one of Kanye West's songs and she carried it around all weekend. Where was the ASPCA, PETA and Jackson Galaxy when a tortured kitten needed them most, because this is obvious pussy abuse.

Imagine you're an innocent kitten who has found itself trapped in the arms of a beast with an ass that looks like two overfed and snarling pit bulls waiting to attack. The kitten knows that the beast is trying to trick it by wearing a plastic cat mask that sort of looks like its mommy's face. It cannot be tricked. Never mind that when the poor kitty looks to the right, it sees a bigger beast who looks like an overgrown ALF in a weave. And ALF eats cats. NOOOOOOO.

Webster's needs to update its español edition by putting this picture directly under the definition of ayúdame:

Although, the name "Mercy" is pretty fitting, because this traumatized pussy's constant internal monologue is this: "Please GOD have mercy on my innocent soul!" 

As you say a prayer for this poor kitten, I'll say a prayer that when Mercy realizes that God gave her claws to scratch at her torturer's face, the cameras are there.