The earthquake in Haiti happened almost two years ago, but the news barely pricked through the bubble out of fame's ass that surrounds Kim Kardoucheian when she needed something quick to cloud her image as a greedy scam artist pig whore with the morals of Satan's pre-cum. Pimp Mama Kris went with Haiti, because it's easy enough for Kim to pronounce and the chewed-up brain in her ass will explode out of her b-hole if she has to say a name that's more than two syllables.
The National Enquirer said in their issue last week that just like Kim's spirit animal Mother Teresa, she and Pimp Mama Kris stayed in a $1,000 a night presidential suite, traveled with personal photographers, wiped their hands with disinfectant jizz every time they shook a Haitian's hand and walked in a local fashion show. Sounds about right. It also sounds about right that after each Haitian shook the hand of those she-devil heffas, they shoved their own hand into an open fire and then punched themselves with a flaming open fist for knowingly touching the claw of a demon.
But Kim is saying that The National Enquirer is spitting out lies. Pimp Mama Kris forced one of the Kuntrashian minions (you know that dumb bitch didn't write this) to jump on Kim's blog (via People) to explain that she was only in Haiti to do serious missionary work and to learn more about Maria Bello's charity:
While my experience was completely life-changing… a very emotional and surprisingly positive journey that I will never forget, some media outlets have tried to tarnish the motive behind my visit and have written completely ridiculous and untrue things. The National Enquirer wrote that I went to a fashion show in Haiti and then spent a fortune pampering myself! The truth is that I was at the Haitian Artisan Fair, where the amazing men and women who make their jewelry and crafts sell them to visitors to make a living, and I bought some of their beautiful jewelry after the fashion show!! Reading this made me so disappointed in the media.
Taking such a positive thing and writing something malicious and untrue. The journalists obviously didn’t bother to do their research and instead published a ridiculous story to sell copies. I have ignored all of this until now, but because I wanted to write a few blogs about my experience, I felt I needed to address this first. I have become accustomed to dealing with rumors and lies spread about my family or my relationships, and have learned to ignore it to a certain extent. But when a magazine makes the decision to twist the truth and write lies like that, it belittles the entire experience we had in Haiti, and I won’t let them do that.
I think it’s important that I share my experiences with you all, rather than you read false reports in the media. I have some really great stories and photos from my trip and I’m so excited to share them with you all! Xo
Oh, yes, Kim. You were only in Haiti on a charity mission (the charity being YOURSELF) and to learn more. I mean, posing for pictures in Haiti is so much harder than posing for pictures on a red carpet in Las Vegas. That's what Princess Diana used to say back in the day, and fuck, she was right. It was also so giving of you to wear 10 pounds of whore paint on your face instead of 20, so you can look really concerned and like one of the people. Such a giving hole (on purpose typo and don't you move it).
The National Enquirer does tell lies from time to time, but I'd believe a fart out of a bull's asshole before I'd believe anything that came out of a Kardashian's mouth. Besides, that priceless "I know this fraudulent cunt is going to try to pass this off as charity work" side-eye the girl in the corner is throwing tells us everything we need to know.
And the person who made that necklace around Kim's neck just earned a special place in my heart. I mean, a necklace that looks like a wooden toilet seat? This is the new portrait of perfect.
What's that saying? You can Photoshop a skid mark, but it's still a skid mark. The Kardashians proved that saying right for their annual sacrifice to the Adobe Gods. Last year's Karkrashian Khristmas Kard theme was "kreepy, kooky & kunty" and this year's theme is obviously hall of the sequined dead souls. This is the picture that's on the cover of the pamphlet Lucifer hands you when you're about to sign your soul over to him and he wants to make sure you're making an educated decision that's best for you.
These whores didn't even pose together. They took their pictures separately, threw them all under the silhouette of three giant titty balls (or are those used condoms?) and used the constipation tool to make all of them look like wax mannequins with the hard shits. They also pulled pounds of Sasquatch blubber from Khloe's legs and piled it all on Kourtney's ass. Not to mention that Pimp Mama Kris is the only one not wearing black and white. A wreck. But it was nice of those Kardashians to represent Kris Humphries' personality with that wooden chair in the back.
And this mess also comes in 3D. When you put on the glasses, a double stream of Ray J's piss comes splashing at you. Happy Pissmas from the Kuntrashians!
Good Morning America gave you a visual answer to the question "What would an interview with a caveman statue from the Museum of Natural History look like?" when they interviewed Kris Humphries today. Despite the fact that GMA pretty much promoted this interview as "Kris Humphries finally breaking his silence on his marriage to Kim Kardashian," he wanted to talk about anything but the butt. Kris was there to bust out brain farts about basketball, basketball, baking cookies with his mom, basketball and basketball. But GMA's Josh Elliott could give a Khloe Kardashian dingle about basketball and kept bringing up his joke of a fake marriage.
This interview was almost more uncomfortable than me watching the nurse try to keep a straight face while asking me a bunch of questions before my STD test. Since I know you don't want to sit through a 5-minute video of Josh Elliott and Kris Humphries talking from totally different pages, here's the transcript. I typed it out word for word:
Josh: So Kris, how's it going?
Josh: What has this experience been like?
Josh: A lot of people found the divorce filing shocking. What did you think when she did it?
Josh: You responded by filing for a legal separation and an annulment. What do you hope the court will decide in regard to the annulment?
Josh: Do you still love her?
Josh: What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Josh: Kris, tell me, what one object would give a more exciting interview than you?
Josh: Thanks for that, Kris. Who would you rather? Kris Jenner or a basketball?
Josh: Just one more question before I let you go, Kris. Your IQ is that of a....
Josh: Wait, wait, just one more thing. Please don't say the word "basketball" again. PLEASE! I beg of you.
Josh: Thank you!
A source tells TMZ that as soon as the interview ended, Kris was whining about how he felt he was set up. Kris only agreed to go on GMA after they promised to only stick to questions about basketball, his obesity foundation and cookies (nobody tell Kris that cookies and obesity aren't exactly friends). But a rep for GMA says they made it clear during the pre-interview that there would be no rules.
Is Kris stupid enough to think that GMA's focus wasn't going to be about his marriage to Kim Karkrashian? Wait. Here's a better question: Am I stupid enough to actually ask that last question after watching Kris be the epitome of dumb during that interview above?
Pimp Mama Kris has gone too far this time in her campaign to paint Kris Humphries as an evil monstrous cunt oaf who stomped all over Kim's fairytale dreams. This cover of Star Magazine, obviously curated by Kris Jenner, is offensive, wrong, inhumane, illegal, goes against everything I believe in and should be reported to the proper authorities. I mean, when I saw this mess of a cover the first thing that came to my mind was that Dynasty storyline about Steve Carrington coming out of the closet after marrying Sammy Jo. The Kardashians and the Church of Dynasty are not supposed to touch in my head. That's like Lucifer walking hand-in-hand with Jesus. That's like serving me a plate of dog shit and Velveeta Shells & Cheese (aka the caviar of processed cheese meals). Pimp Mama Kris' suite in hell better be downgraded to an economy room for this. Too low, too low.
Anyway, sources tell Star that Kim thinks that Kris might love dick, because after they got married he didn't want to fuck her and only wanted to watch sports. Kim might have a point, because I don't know many straight dudes who can calmly sit in front of a TV all day watching a bunch athletes who have pissed on and fucked his wife several times. Moving on....
TMZ reports Kris is fighting back against the four-headed Kuntrashian monster by filing to annul his ten-second marriage to Kim on the grounds that she defrauded him into playing her fake groom. Kris believes that Kim only married him for the advertising money and attention while he did it for love. Kris wants Kim to pay his lawyer's fees. But wait. A source close to Kim (read: KRIS JENNER) says the marriage was also real to her and she only filed for divorce, because she was told she can only annul a marriage if there's proof of impotency, incest, bigamy, unsound mind, force or fraud.
I realize that Kris is a neanderthal who was recently discovered frozen in a block of ice and then was brought back to the living by scientists, but is he really that slow in the brains? Accusing Kim Kardashian of being a fraud is like accusing me of being a dumb slut. We already know. If you Google "Kim Kardashian is a fraud" it takes you to DUH.com. Kris was obviously in on the sham marriage and he's totally in on the sham divorce. Kris is a fraud. Kim is a fraud. They're all frauds and they've obviously ruined our beliefs in true love and the realness of reality TV. Let's all sue them for fraud. Call Gloria Allred!
Seen here locking out Kim Kardashian's check cashing cooch until Pimp Mama Kris finds a suitable (read: dumb, rich, famous and with a bladder that's always ready to party) suitor for her to suck the life out of, the KKK are on January's cover of Glamour (just read that as "Glum Whore" and it'll make more sense) Magazine and are giving their first interview since they pulled a giant scam on everyone. The already annoying interview turned into an annoying dry queef fest about how Kim's dream of becoming a mom at 30 is officially dead and it's only a matter of time before Pimp Mama Kris closes a deal with E! for a 16 hour-long "Kim & Her Uterus Say Goodbye To Each Other FOREVER" special. After Kim covered the permanently-attached silicone alien mask on her face with a "WOE IZ ME" mask, the KKK got deep:
Kim: ...I think I'll always be a hopeless romantic.
GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that?
Kim: It means that I believe in love and the dream of having a perfect relationship, but my idea of it has changed. I think I need to not live in a fairy tale like that. I think I maybe need to just snap out of it and be a little more realistic.
Khloé: I love Kim's belief in love and the fact that she feels so strongly about it. She has that dream every girl has.
Kim: Well, I don't think I have it right now.
Khloé: Which is fine, but I'm your sister and I know why you don't have it right now. But I know you will get it again.
Kim: I hope I do. But by then I hope maybe I'm a little bit more realistic.
GLAMOUR: Realistic about what?
Kim: The fact that what I want isn't possible.
Khloé: What, a guy on a white horse coming to get you? That doesn't happen!
Kim: I don't know. I always wanted what Mom and Dad had. And at first I was like, I want six kids. Then I went down to four, then I was down to three.and now I'm like, maybe I won't have any. Maybe I'll just be a good aunt.
Khloé: But Mom and Dad got a divorce, and she met Bruce. And you were a child; you don't know what Mom and Dad had. As an outsider looking in, it probably looked like paradise.
Kim: At this moment in my life, I feel like maybe I'm not supposed to have kids and all that.
Khloé: Oh my God. Don't be dramatic all of a sudden!
Kim: That's how I feel. Maybe my fairy tale has a different ending than I dreamed it would. But that's OK.
Before Pimp Mama Kris ran that interview through the fake machine, it really read like this:
Kim: .....I think I'll always be a hopeless famewhore.
GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that?
Kim: It means that I believe in whoring myself out for fame at any cost and dreaming of having permanent relevancy, but the game has changed. I think I need to be choosier about the fake husbands I cast. Did you see the first episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York? Of course you did. Over 3 million stupid fucks did. Cha-ching, beyotches! You saw how Kris farted in my sister's face on camera. He farted on my sister on camera! I know Kris was my stage husband, but he signed a contract in blood stating that I'm the only one he's supposed to perform a bodily function on in front of the cameras. I was humiliated! How can I have a publicity stunt baby with a monster who farts on my sister? That's cheating!
Khloé: Wookie like eating baby. Wookie like eating baby.
Kim: Um. Anyway, back to me. I don't have that dream anymore.
Khloé: But Wookie want baby to NOM NOM on.
Kim: No, you dumb dumb! I'm still going to have a baby, but I'm going to be a little bit more materialistic about it and I don't need a fake husband to do it.
GLAMOUR: Materialistic how?
Kim: Everybody is having a baby with their husbands. That's been done, is boring and only gets you a maximum of 3 People Magazine covers. That's why I'm going to get knocked up and won't tell anybody who the father is. The evil scientists at E! are making a fetus out of my old face and all the used condoms I stole from Reggie Bush's trash can as we speak. Think of all the magazine covers, specials and endorsement deals with Indentigene! There'll be a "Who Shot A Load In Kim's Pussy?" special and covers of Life & Style will be flying out of my twat like black dick does. You stupid Americans will eat it up and I'll be more rich and more famous than ever. I'm so glad dad sold my soul to the devil to get O.J. off. No morals equals more money! Cha-ching!
Khloé: Wookie happy about having baby to nibble nibble.
Kim: Wait! How did you sneak into the middle again? Get back, beast! Back! I'm the Chynna! You're the Carnie! To the side where you belong.
Pimp Mama Kris recently said that her main prized pig Kim Kuntrashian has such a giving soul (more like giving hole) and always quietly gives to charity without getting any attention for doing so. Pimp Mama Kris proved to be right yesterday when Kim graciously took a break from her busy schedule of being the whoring whore of all whoring whores to feed the homeless at the Los Angeles Mission while surrounded by a team of bodyguards, half a dozen paparazzos, a make-up artist, a hairstylist, a camera crew and the souls of a dozen dead turkeys eye rolling at this blatant publicity stunt. TOTALLY INCOGNITO!
Jennifer Love Hewitt is where the word "desperate" goes to feel better about itself and yet she still doesn't look 1/10th as desperate as Kim looks. Just look at this transparent trollop dressed like "real people" and acting like she didn't drop that ladle and run to her chauffeured SUV the minute the cameras stopped clicking. Kim could find the cure for cancer in her queefs while curing a dozen orphans of the urinary retention they suffer from by baring her ass (Fact: When Kim bares her ass, the piss just comes shooting out of your piss hole), and we'd still see her as a fame whoring STUNT QUEEN heffa whore. That is the truest story ever told.
And haven't the homeless people been through enough? They're already homeless and then they had to sit there while a skank gave them their meal. They came for Thanksgiving dinner, not Skanksgiving dinner.
It is so damn slow today that I'm dangerously close to cumming in a banana peel and calling it news. Actually, I just might, because that would probably be a tad bit more interesting (not really) than this mess from Life & Style. Their sources say that the reincarnation of Herman Munster, Kris Humphries, is planning to herp derp out a $10 million lawsuit against his fraudulent wife Kim Kuntrashian and E! for smearing his wholesome image by portraying him as a homophobic doucheknob on Kourtney & Kim Take It Up The Ass. Well, I've always looked at Kris as a gigantic block wood whose head produces slobber instead of thoughts, so now seeing him as a gigantic block of wood whose head actually produces thoughts (even homophobic ones) is almost a step up. But Kris doesn't agree and is going to sue the piss stains off of Kim as soon as he figures out how to operate a Yellow Pages and look up the number for a local "loyurr."
The source says that Kris is worried about a scene in a upcoming episode of Kourtney & Kim where he goes after Kim's best friend Jonathan Cheban. Kris pokes at Jonathan about being gay even though Jonathan is completely straight. The source went on to say, "Jonathan isn't gay, but Kris accuses him of being gay and criticizes him for it in a really homophobic way. Jonathan is really upset. Kris used the word 'gay' as an insult, to try and hurt Jonathan. He's the lowest of the low bullying someone like this."
Kris' father William Humphries, who has a PhD in OBVIOUS, believes his son was set up and that "Kris got used --100 percent used."
Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris has put the training she learned in White Oprah's "Voices of Many Sources" class at The Fame Whore Academy to good use by calling up UsWeekly as an "unknown tipster." The "unknown tipster" said this about how Kris treated Kim:
"He tried to control Kim by bring her down...He would say truly terrible things. One time, he said she had no talent and her fame wouldn't last. [He even called her a] fat ass.
So not only is Kris a gigantic block of wood whose head actually produces thoughts, but sometimes his head produces thoughts that are 100% correct. This fake marriage and even more fake divorce has really transformed his reputation as dumber than a dingle to this country's foremost free thinker. Move over, Megan Fox.
And yeah, all together now: JONATHAN CHEBAN DOESN'T LIKE DICK?!
"Kimmy, think of the horrific time that big kunt Khloe played a nightmare trick on you by sending the paparazzi to the wrong place and there weren't any flashes waiting for you. Oh how, you kried kried kries..." is what Pimp Mama Kris told Kim Kuntrashian right before she did a choreographed weep weep shuffle through LAX earlier this morning. TMZ says Kim made her way to Minnesota to sit down with her Herman Munster-ish leased husband and the pastor that married them. YES! This is the next chapter in Whores of Our Lives. I know there's some of you out there who called this move days ago, so please give yourself the golden shower medal in seeing through bullshit. (How to give yourself a golden shower medal: lay down face up, find a way to piss up into the air and turn around really fast so the golden shower lands on your nalgas. This is what Kim does when she's feeling down and needs a quick piss-me-up.)
A source (read: Kim's publicist) says that she booked the flight at the last minute, because she wants to talk to Kris Humphries without any cameras and is hoping this will give them the closure they both need to move on. The source also said that there's a small chance they could get back together. And while Kim is in Minnesota, she'll probably cut Kris a $2 million check for the engagement that he bought her (and the one that she wants to keep).
This fraudulent heffa can't do anything without stage directions and a script, so you know what she's doing. Bitch is trying to turn the pitchforks into sympathyforks, because the backlash is starting to fuck with her money. Kim will fly into Minnesota, dress up as Dr. Frankenstein and sneak up behind Kris Humphries as cameras roll. When he mistakes her for his creator and goes after her, she'll scream at all of us, "SEE! He's crazy! He's a monster! I can't live like this! I tried to make it work! I'm the victim! And now I'll stop with all the exclamation points, because they're messing up my sexyface."
If Kim and Kris are really meeting with a pastor and if there is a God, I hope he channels his powers into that pastor's hand and slaps the fake out of both of those stupid bitches.
And here's the Kardashian Fairytale Divorce Special from last night's SNL that could only be more perfect if Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman made a cameo as Scott.
Kim Kardashian is canceling the rest of her Australian press tour ("YAY!" - Australia) and coming back to the US ("BOO!" - The US), because the black hole in her chest is filling up with sadness and she can no longer go on doing whatever it is she does for money. Yes, it must be hard cracking the strings of Botox in your face by projecting a sad when on the inside you're creaming about how much attention your stupid ass is getting. Bitch, sad harder. Kim looked more genuinely sad about almost losing her $75,000 diamond earring than she does about her marriage ending.
Both UsWeekly and TMZ report that Swisse vitamins marquee paid Kim $150,000 to represent them at the Melbourne Cup Carnival this Saturday, but she let them know that she and Khloe aren't going to be there. Some source says that Kim told them, "I need to take care of me now, and I can't work for awhile."
We have finally found Kim's other talent besides scam artistry. Kim is a master at making laughs! She needs to "take care of me now" and can't "work" for awhile? The day that Kim takes care of anybody other than Kim is the day that I actually make a morning piss without hitting the bathroom tiles (I'm re-enlisting in potty training classes, don't worry). The day that Kim does something that actually counts as real work is the day that I don't watch European gay porn while eating white cheddar Cheez-Its (It's like scratch-and-taste porn).
Oh, Kim, pretending to be sad has turned you into a regular fucking laugh machine. And speaking of laughs, click here to see a scene straight out of Khloezilla Takes Australia . A camera falls on her head!
That look of sheer revenge in Khloe's eyes. Why do I have a feeling that later that night, the pap was overheard screaming in his backyard, "A Khloe ate my baby!"
Here's some pictures of Kim and Khloe promoting their dumb purse line at a mall today. If your child cries while meeting a Kardashian and it isn't because they're afraid one of those skanks' fat asses is going to swallow them whole, CPS should take them away from you.