Remember that one episode of Beverly Hills 90210 where that smug, know-it-all hater Andrea Zuckerman doubted Brenda Walsh's intentions when she said she was sick of shopping all the time and wanted to do something meaningful like volunteer at the teen crisis hotline? Andrea, who was like a teen crisis hotline leader or something, trained Brenda, but thought she was in it for the wrong reasons. Then Andrea had to eat it hard when Brenda came to the rescue of a rape victim and got the girl's rapist arrested. Well, Andrea better put her dentures in, because she's going to have to eat it again. Brenda Walsh has rescued another!
TMZ says that on Sunday night, one of Shannen Doherty's fans threatened to end it all if she didn't call them. (Fact: The fan wasn't me, believe it or not.) It all started when a fan started sending Shannen several tweets including one where she said she was going to shoot herself dead if Brenda Walsh didn't call her. Using the skills she learned at the teen crisis hotline center, Shannen found out that the girl lives in New Jersey and was able to get her home address. Shannen immediately called the Westampton Police Department and reported the suicide threat. The police paid a visit to the 27-year-old woman's house. The woman and her family both told police that she's not suicidal. After talking to her family, the police determined she wasn't going to hurt herself.
In short: BRENDA WALSH SAVES LIVES!!!!
What can't Brenda Walsh do? ("Well for one thing, the bitch can't keep a man." - that home wrecking slut Kelly Taylor)
The government should do what's right and give Shannen Doherty the highest medal of courage. Shannen can put the medal on her mantel and it will look beautiful next to her Dean's List certificate from Education Connection.
Just like Clare Arnold's wonk eye, my soul dramatically fell to the side yesterday when a rumor went around that Kelly Taylor was rubbing her bull dozer vagina all over Dylan McKay's California Raisin face. It looks like that rumor was just a STUNT QUEEN move to promote the sitcom that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry are shopping around.
Jennie's rep once again told Rumor Fix that she's not screwing on Luke and they're just working on some dumb TV show together. The rep said, "They have been spending a lot of time together recently because the two are working on developing a TV sitcom together. It will be a multi-camera half hour show, currently we have producers and writers and are meeting with networks.”
Gross. The only thing worse than Jennie and Luke being an actual couple is them making a baby together in the form of a TV show that will obviously play on TVLand (aka the retirement home for 90s TV stars). I just want to take Jennie and Luke's TV show for a walk in the park and say to it, "Why are you doing this to me?! I hate you! Never show up on my TV again!"
We've all seen this episode a million times, but I guess Kelly Taylor is really into re-living the reruns, because that stringy-haired, Contempo Casuals-wearing, home-wrecking klepto skank is at it again. The literary journal of 100% truthiness that is The National Enquirer (via Page Six) says that while shooting that piece of crap Old Navy commercial, Jennie Garth and Luke Perry found love in a Brenda Walsh-less place. Ever since then, Kelly Taylor has been riding Dylan McKay and I bet that when she stares deep into his greasy tenhead, she sees Brenda Walsh winking back at her. Some source (aka a publicist for Old Navy using a pay phone at the Peach Pit) said this about Kelly and Dylan's reunion:
"Since seeing Luke again, Jennie has fallen in love with him and Luke feels the same. There is an electricity between them that has been revived after all these years. It just happened.”
That electricity isn't from chemistry, it's from Brenda Walsh burning them with her bitch eyes. Jennie's rep denies all of this and says she's just friends with Luke, but whatever. I know how that Dylan-jacking whore operates. Let Kelly have her fun while she can, because we all know how this ends. Yes, it ends with me finally checking into a mental hospital to seek treatment for not letting go of TV shows from the 90s, but it also ends like this:
Jennie: What are you doing for Labor Day?
Luke: Going to Baja.
Some whores (aka me) say that Shannen Doherty has already won the lottery a million times over by getting cast in Heathers, getting cast in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, getting cast in Charmed, getting cast in Little House on the Prairie and getting paid to spit her signature Brenda Walsh bitchiness at that bland tramp harlot whore Kelly Taylor (short version: Shannen Doherty won the lottery by being born as Shannen Doherty), but Shannen Doherty doesn't think this.
On Friday's The Talk (via Contact Music), Shannen said that during her Charmed days the crew and her would buy a bunch of lottery tickets together every time the jackpot reached a fever pitch. This one time, the jackpot was at around $50 million and the crew fucked with her emotions by giving her a fake newspaper with the fake lottery numbers on 'em. I'll Shannen tell you the rest, and warning, reading the following paragraph of words might make you want to start a GoFundMe page to benefit Brenda Walsh's broke ass:
"I jump up - I'm screaming hysterically - I run out of the make-up trailer, I run to my trailer, I gather up all my stuff, I run to my car, jump in, put it in drive, and start peeling out of the lot. (The cast and crew) come running after my car screaming, I stop really quick, and I'm like, 'What?' And they're like, 'Where are you going?' and I'm like, 'I won the lottery, I quit!' They had to tell me that I did not win the lottery and I was still broke and I still had to work. I actually cried hysterically, I had tears pouring down my face."
BROKE?! What about that Brenda Walsh money? Or that Jenny Wilder money? Or the full Cabbage Patch bank I sent her as a kid to thank her for making my life complete by being Brenda Walsh (I didn't do that, but I should've)? I mean, BROKE? Did the producers of Charmed make her put a dollar in the slap jar every time she put five fingers on Alyssa Milano's face, because that's the only reason I could come up with for why Shannen Doherty would ever be BROKE.
But whatever, you know that saying? When one door closes repeatedly on a crew member's head for pranking the wrong bitch, another door opens in an Education Connection online classroom.
Carrying a bouquet of peach pits and wearing a garter belt made of Kelly Taylor's dried lonely tears, Shannen Doherty became a wife for the third time yesterday when she married a dude who looks like a community college English teacher that always keeps wet-look gel and a bottle of Preferred Stock in his desk drawer. Since Shannen is TV bitch royalty and we need an exquisite wedding of taste to cleanse our retinas of the thick layer of skank piss left by the Kuntrashian wedding, her glide down the aisle was shot for her new reality show. People has all the little details you really don't care about. Seriously, did Shannen wear a re-worked version of Brenda's prom dress and did she sing "It's My Party" at the reception? That's the shit we want to know!
The TV actress, 40, who most notably played Brenda Walsh, said "I do" to her fiancé Kurt Iswarienko at sunset, PEOPLE has confirmed.
The black-tie affair took place at a private estate nestled in the hills.
The nuptials reportedly are airing on the season finale of Doherty and her new hubby's upcoming WEtv reality series about planning for the big day.
Shannen was married to George Hamilton's son for a quick second, but their love died after they unleashed the crazy on their house and destroyed it. Shannen then married Rick Salomon and they were together for at least two seconds before he went on to do Lucifer's evil work by making the dead fish equivalent of a sex tape with Parasite Hilton. So hopefully Shannen's third marriage doesn't end with an eviction notice or a fuck tape that doubles as a terrorist threat. I'm sure this one will stick! Shannen is all grown up now and way more educated thanks to Education Connection!
In "A Check is a Check" news, FOREVER A-LIST SUPERSTAR Shannen Doherty is using her celebrity to support this nation's education system by getting her liberal arts degree at a Poison Ivy League (which is sort of like ivy league, but sexier) online university thanks to Education Connection.
Brenda Walsh doesn't say in this mess, but if I sign up will I run into her in the cyber hallways, or get cyber drunk with her before the cyber prom, or cyber hold down that homewrecking whore slut Kelly Taylor while she cyber slaps her in the cyber mouth? Because that's a selling point. Better yet, Shannen should just dump this Education Connection mess and open an online West Bev High School. It'll be like Dungeons and Dragons for whores of the early 90s who can't let go.
I don't think I can call Tori Spelling "Tori the Hutt" anymore since lost a lot of chunk. Now she kind of looks like an elderly praying mantis doing a terrible Carol Channing impersonation. She's still fug, though. Fug light!
When the new 90210 was announced, I was seriously all about it. Mostly because Brenda Walsh was one of the first bitches in my life who taught me how to really hate with all your heart and soul. After watching every episode, I just don't know.... I'm trying soooo hard to love it like the old shit, but the only time I'm not pitching my berries to stay awake is when Brenda and Kelly are in a scene together. I get off on that shit because I know how much they fucking hate each other in real life. Shannen just wants to take Jennie's hair, braid it into pigtails, kick her on all fours and ride her into traffic. I can see the look in her eyes. But Brenda's run is coming to an end. And what's even worse is that the producers want to bring Donna Martin back. AHHH!
Michael Ausiello claims Tori is in final talks to do several episodes. The deal will probably be complete today. Tori reportedly didn't want to come back sooner, because she was afraid of working with Shannen. That's right. Shannen would fuck that bitch up for talking shit on her in Tori's book. Although, that might be a good thing for Tori since Shannen could probably beat some pretty into her fug face.
If Donna Martin comes back and Brenda Walsh stays away, I just don't know how much longer I can watch this mess. That annoying bitch Annie is just begging to get slapped in the teeth.
Image: Fame Pictures
SPOILER ALERT! There were a few rumors going around that Brenda Walsh would take her last breath on an upcoming episode of "90210," but I don't believe those lies. Brenda Walsh can never die. It says so in the bible. It also says this in the dictionary. Look up the word impossible and the definition is: Brenda Walsh dying.
According to OK! Magazine, Brenda comes back to town in tonight's episode and tells that dumb bitch Kelly Taylor that she slept with her man! Brenda also ends up in the hospital, because of fertility issues or some shit. She finds out that she can't have kids. Like Brenda was going to have any! She's a woman of the world! She doesn't have time to deal with brats! And she's going to live forever, so she doesn't have to worry about another ho continuing her legacy. She can do that herself.
I'm hoping that while Brenda's in the hospital, the surgeons can go in and see what's going on with her heart area. I mean, they need to check if she has one, because she's been kind of uncharacteristically nice to Kelly Taylor. Brenda shouldn't have one of those heart things. Yeah, she did Kelly's man, but that's not enough! She should have kept fucking him until Kelly was completely destroyed. Kelly deserves to cry in her eyes for what she did to Brenda.
Here's that dumb bitch Kelly thinking she's Grace Kelly with her husband at the "Twilight" premiere last night.
Jason Priestley recently said that he doubts he would be back on the new "90210" show as Brandon Walsh and he's kept his promise. Jason will be part of "90210" but not as Brandon. He's agreed to direct the show's 18th episode, so he'll be behind the camera the entire time.
I'm fine with this. Brandon was never one of my favorites. He was always so fucking judgmental! He would ride in on his lemon meringue Mustang and get on Brenda's case for the stupidest reasons. He was a fun killer in every way. He is only allowed back on the show if he brings Emily Valentine's crazy ass with him. I always hated her, but she earned points with me when she tried to burn down the float!
Brandon will not be back onscreen, but Brenda will! Maybe. The Ausiello Files reports that Brenda is in talks to come back for two more episodes. A source said that the deal isn't done yet, but it's totally happening.
Brenda's last episode on "90210" was a total let down. Brenda can't leave without delivering an epic beat down on Kelly. I thought it was going to happen when that annoying twat Kelly accused Brenda of trying to steal Dylan. Kelly fails to realize that Brenda tapped that ass before she did. Like she wants that shit again!
And I can't talk about Emily Valentine without including the scene where Dr. Brenda Walsh counsels her. Brenda really does have a caring heart.
I don't know about you, but I'm hungover like a motherfucker this morning. I can still taste last night's booze on my gums and I Sonicared my teeth last. I think. Since I feel like Amy Wino's crackhive after a 3-day bender, the last thing I need to deal with this morning is Brenda Walsh's piece playing games with us.
How am I supposed to judge if he's good enough for the eternal teen dream? And Rose McGown in "Jawbreaker" lied when she said Liz is the teen dream. Brenda Walsh will forever be the teen dream. It's true. That is why her dude needs to take it all off and then do 20 jumping jacks for the cameras. That's the only way to tell if he's worthy enough. If the peen flops around like Jessica Simpson's bobble head, then he's obviously not strong enough for Brenda. I don't exactly know what that means, but you get the picture.
You know what? I just realized that the paps are actually following Brenda Walsh around. Hooray! It's like 1992 again!