Halle Berry

I'm about to rename this bitch Umbilicalcordlisted, because this Monday is about all BABIES! BABIES to the left, to the right, to the side, down below, up above, behind you, on your head, in your armpit, every fucking where! The malevolent baby army has brainwashed me, because every story that involves a BABY has me hypnotized and I just have to post about it. I better wear a car seat over my head to stop their messages infiltrating my brain area, because babies hate car seats.

Anybabieswilldestroyusall, here's Halle Berry's little baby, Nahla, wearing a tutu in Los Angeles. This makes me want to be a baby myself so that I can wear a tutu in public without men in white suits chasing after me with a taser gun. Babies can really do or wear anything and get away with it. That is why they are the most dangerous creatures on this planet! Although, Halle's baby is really all sorts of precious. OH FUCK! Get me a car seat hat STAT!

Once again, Rojo Caliente, The Empress of Lucite and Chicken Cutlets have been robbed! Esquire named Halle Berry as the sexiest sexy sex piece who ever sexed. Or something like that. Halle recreated one of Bill Clinton's Esquire covers, but did it without a shirt and pants. She also looks like she's ready for a pap smear.

On Esquire's website, A few writers pretending to be Halle has written a long ass "acceptance speech." Seriously, it's long as fuck. Click here to read that shit. She talks about orgasms and what she finds sexy. Halle finds spaghetti sexy! She writes, "To me, spaghetti is sexy, especially when it's served off the tips of a man's fingers. I like that." Spaghetti off of a man's fingers? Don't the noodles slide off onto the floor and shit? And doesn't some of the delicious sauce get stuck in his nails? No thanks.

Yes, we already know that Halle is gorgeous and that her vagina probably smells like rose petals, but do we need to be reminded about this time after time? I feel like the same broads are always named the "sexiest" or "most beautiful." If it isn't Halle, it's Charlize, MiserAlba or Saint Angie Jo. Can't they throw somebody else a bone? Chicken Cutlets is just sitting there, waiting. Esquire can even change the title to the "Sexiest Pair of Chicken Cutlets Alive."

At last night's Elle Magazine party, Halle Berry looked a little pregnanty (yes, I made that up) in the belly area. She didn't if she was knocked up, but she did tell UsWeekly that her and Hot Sperm Donor are trying to give Baby Nahla a sibling. She said, "Yeah, we are working on that!"

When asked if they were getting married anytime soon, Hot Sperm Donor said, "We have no plans for marriage. We are more married than ever, really.” More married than ever? What does that mean exactly? I thought they were trying to have a baby. Married bitches don't do sexy times!

You know, if I looked like Halle Berry and my dude looked like Hot Sperm Donor, I would spend my days and nights trying to have a baby. I wouldn't be at that event, because I'd be too busy "trying" to make a baby. I would only set aside 20-minutes of free time a day to play with my own chichis.

Seriously. How can you chicks with big tittays not play with them all the time? I know. Chicks say the same thing about peens, but it's totally different. Playing with your own peen usually leads to it getting excited and then...well...you know. It's a whole fucking production! But playing with your own chichis is good, clean fun!

First things first, that man in the left corner is watching you! He sees you, so you better not do anything shifty. Okay, we've all been warned.

Halle Berry never whored out her baby on the cover of any magazines. Imagine that! A celebrity not making a quick buck off their kid. She also didn't release any pictures of Lion King Baby aka Nahla Ariela, so this is the first time I've really seen her. You know how I feel about BABIES!!! They give me the shakes, because I know they are soon going to be our world leaders. But Nahla is pretty adorable. Her eyes are like two little stars sparkling in the ocean's reflection. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. No, I'm not high.

Here's Halle, Baby Nahla, a bodyguard-type person and Mia Michaels at the L.A. Zoo today. No! That's not Mia Michaels. It's Halle's mother. I seriously thought for a minute that Halle's mommy was everyone's favorite deep-thinking gayelle dance choreographer. I thought to myself, "Damn. Halle is going the gayelle way. I mean, it is the way to go."

Let the engagement rumors begin! Because we all know that if you're wearing a ring on your wedding finger, it means you're engaged and getting married any day now. Or it could mean that you were bored and wanted a little attention. Halle Berry wore this same ring back in May and her rep said it was just something she bought for herself. Blah...blah...blah...

Halle has been married twice before and said she would never marry again. Never say never. That's what I said when I first ate a funnel cake from IHOP. Never again! And the next time I was there, that's exactly what I ordered. We never learn our lesson. My bowels still get teary when they think about it.

If Halle is engaged to Hot Sperm Donor, she better get at least two prenups. You can't trust a man who has the ability to eff you balls deep with his eyes. Trust me. That's probably how Halle got knocked up in the first place. He just stared at her. Whenever I see a picture of him, I can't stare too long or I start to feel a rumble in the no-no area.

Halle Berry and Hot Sperm Donor, I forget his other name, left Baby Nahla at home to go to a Stevie Wonder concert at the Hollywood Bowl last night.

You have to hand it to Halle. Bitch popped out Baby Nahla almost four months ago and she hasn't whored her out....yet. Baby Nahla is probably too gorgeous for regular cameras. Her extreme beauty busts camera lenses. Or maybe she's cross-eyed with a crooked nose and elf ears. Halle is waiting until she's at least 6-months-old to get her a nose job. Halle is a good mother.

I kid, I kid. I'm sure Baby Nahla is a supermodel in diapers. Although, two hots don't always make a right. Rumer Willis anyone?

Who the fuck knew a pre-nose-job Halle Berry dated Danny Wood of New Kids on the Block. Homegirl couldn't even get her some Jordan Knight?! Danny was like the basement new kid. The one we never talked about. It was probably Danny's braided rat tail that lured her in. And remember those ruffled shirts Halle is wearing? Oh hell no. I can't....

Here's more vintage NKOTB hotness. Seriously, they should wear this shit on their new tour. Go all out!

You see that little ring Halle Berry is sporting? Some say it's an engagement ring from her hot sperm donor, Gabriel Aubry. Sources say Gabriel proposed to Halle with his grandmother's ring, because he felt the time is right.

A source told Showbiz Spy, "Gabriel felt the time was right to propose. He gave her the family heirloom because he wanted to show her how much she means to him, and how she will be accepted into the Aubry family." Uh huh and he'll be accepted into the Berry fortune!

If I was Halle Berry - Well, if I was Halle Berry I would spend a few hours playing with my chichis in the mirror. After I finished with that, I would head on over to KMart and pick up a bike lock. I'd immediately fasten that lock over Gabriel's dick! She better put it in the prenup that Gabriel must wear a dick lock at all times.

Even better, Halle should contact Playstation 3 to have Gabriel's hot dick replaced with one of those thumb dicks. The sexiest thing he can do with a thumb dick is participate in a thumb wrestling match.

Halle Berry's pregnant chichis are still intact. She needs to fluff them up higher! Show off those pregnant chichis! I'm still sleepy and I like my pillows fluffed up. Anyway, Halle arrived at the Silver Rose auction yesterday in Los Angeles just six weeks after popping out baby Nahla. Halle looks hot and blah..blah..blah... Where's that gorgeous sperm donor of hers? I haven't seen his ass in a while. I guess the bitch's work is done and he's been shuttled off to the agency he came from.

It was rumored that Halle was going to bring Nahla baby to this event, but she was nowhere in sight. I'm not mad at Halle for taking her time before unveiling he baby to the world. I don't know if we're equipped to deal with her beauty yet. They haven't made UV lenses strong enough.

Halle Berry popped out baby Nahla Areola (it's Ariela, but I like Areola better) a little more than a month ago and she's already getting back to work. Somebody's got to pay the bills around there. Halle will produce and star in the psychological drama "Frankie & Alice" reports Variety.

Halle obviously wants that second Oscar, because the movie is about a chick with multiple personality disorder. The lady is torn between who she is and a racist white alter-personality that preys upon her mind. High drama.

Hopefully, Halle will get all this dramatic shit out of her system, so she can finally do the most anticipated movie of her career. I'm talking about a sequel to B.A.P.S! That shit is one of my favorite cinematic masterpieces of all time. It has everything you could ever want in a movie. It has dance sequences, major wigs, latex suits and Martin Landau! I mean, what else do you need? Clip below: