Kanye West

Kanye West and Ambot wore fur coats to fashion week in Paris, and I guess some fashion bloggers threw red paint on him in the form of hate hate hating posts. And I'm glad they did, because Gay Fish bent over and gave birth to this amazing rant featuring rhinestone-encrusted shit nuggets like: "FUCK YOUR COLORING BOOK" and "WE REPRESENT YOUR INNER SPIRIT!!"

Kanye west roared hard. He roared so hard that the fur coat in the room sprung back to life and ran out of that bitch.

Here's Kanye's rant. I tried to de-CAPS it for you, but as soon as I was finished transcribing it my monitor flickered and it magically went back to ALL CAPS. The Gods want you to go mildly insane while trying to read this mess:

WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE, REMEMBER THE FEARLESS, REMEMBER THE DREAMERS, REMEMBER THOSE WHO REPRESENT THE GHETTO...THE FAIRY TALE OF NOTHING TO SOMETHING. I'M BRIEFLY SADDENED BY NEGATIVE COMMENTS, BUT I HAVE TO REMEMBER THOSE PEOPLE ARE SCARED, INCAPABLE OR JUST PLAIN IDIOTS. WE ARE THE FUCKING ROCK STARS BABY. NO COCAINE, JUST LIFE MY NIGGAS!! NO COCAINE, JUST LIFE! IT'S FUNNY TO ME WHEN FASHION BLOGGERS DOWN OUR OUFITS AND THEN SUPER JOCK OUTLANDISH SHIT ON THE RUNWAY BUT THEN THEY DRESS MAD PRUDE AND DON'T LIVE FASHION. WE LIVE IT MAN. FUCK THAT, WE LIVE IT!!! WE LIVE IT SO HARD PEOPLE LIVE THROUGH US! WE REPRESENT YOUR INNER SPIRIT!! THE CHILD IN US ALL, THE BRUTAL HONESTY, THE NAIVETY, THE BRAVE WARRIOR, THE ADRENALINE THAT ALLOWS A MOTHER TO LIFT A CAR IF HER CHILD WAS TRAPPED UNDER IT! REMEMBER, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN EVERYBODY DISSED MICHAEL JACKSON EVERY CHANCE THEY COULD. IMAGINE THE PRESSURE OF BEING A TRUE ICON. VERY FEW HUMAN BEINGS ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE CONSTANT HATE!!! IF WE DON'T DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS THE SHIT, YOU BEAT US UP VERBALLY AND MENTALLY, LIKE A CATHOLIC SCHOOL TEACHER BEATING A CREATIVE STUDENT INTO SUBMISSION. I CAN HEAR YOU SCREAMING 'COLOR INSIDE THE LINES!!!' WELL FUCK YOUR COLORING BOOK, COLOR BY NUMBERS APPROACH TO LIFE. AT THE END OF THE DAY WHO ARE WE HURTING??? OH "THE NEW BLACK???" SINCE BARACK IS PRESIDENT BLACKS DON'T LIKE FUR COATS, RED LEATHER, AND FRIED CHICKEN ANY MORE?! WHEN YOU TRULY UNDERSTAND CULTURAL SETTINGS, BOUNDARIES, AND OUR MODERN DAY CASTE SYSTEMS, THEN YOU CAN FEEL THE GLORY AND PAIN FROM THE DAYS OF KINGS IN AFRICA TO THE NEW KINGS OF THE MEDIA. LET THE BALL PLAYERS DANCE AFTER THEY SCORE! IT'S LIFE MY NIGGAS, IT'S LIFE! REMEMBER CLOTHING IS A CHOICE. WE WERE BORN NAKED!!! FRESH IS AN OPINION, LOVE IS OBJECTIVE, TASTE IS SELECTIVE, AND EXPRESSION IS MY FAVORITE ELECTIVE. NO MORE POLITICS OR APOLOGIES!!!

CAPS LOCK is a hell of a fucking drug. Right?

(Thanks Ibis)

Kanye West and his programmed Ambot are still spreading le fuckery all over Paris for men's fashion week. Case in point, Amber Rose showed up to her hotel this morning wearing a coat that was inspired by a still shot from Richard Gere's colon cam. Those poor creatures. Somebody give them a ball to run in or something.

But I will give it up to Ambot for what she wore later to a show with Gay Fish:

It's the next generation SLUT DRESS! The SLUTTIER DRESS! It's like the Slut Dress' younger sissy whose punch card from the free clinic is almost full and who got expelled from school for giving blowjobs for 8-balls in the boys bathroom. Yes, Amber! More of this, and less of that gerbil shit.

This Friday night, every TV network on the damn planet will air George Clooney Presents....The Haiti Telethon. If you're a famous person who has been in a magazine at least once during the past 365 days, you will probably be a presenter or a performer on Georgie's telethon. Well, unless your name is Kanye West, because he's the only one on the DO NOT WANT list. This is according to Popeater anyway.

One of the telethon's producers says that they are afraid Kanye would take the focus off the telethon by giving us another "Imma" or "George Bush doesn't care about black people" moment. The producer went on to say, "Kayne has to make everything about himself. He will do anything to steal the spotlight and, well, this night it's just not about him."

That producer bitch needs to eat a dick! Kanye West is not only about himself! Kanye has a heart that just gives gives gives. In fact, Gay Fish wouldn't be a part of their telethon if they gave him a gift basket filled with fishsticks, because he'll be swimming to Haiti himself to... Oh, wait. What's that? Kanye West just announced that on Friday night he's hosting on his blog an event called "CAPS-LOCKIN' FOR HAITI: A Blogathon way better than George Clooney's thing." Oh, carry on then....

And here's Kanye and Ambot at the Louis Vuitton men's show in Paris yesterday. Before you start shouting about how Kanye and Ambot are evil for wearing Fluffy's dead relatives on their bodies, watch this sermon given by our glittery savior Johnny Weir.

They are only following the gospel according to Weir.

It's comforting to know that Kanye West will continue to shout at the top of his CAPS LOCK KEY'S lungs for the next year and beyond. But I really shouldn't be surprised since Kanye's CAPS LOCK KEY will outlive us all. When the world ends in 2012, aliens from other planets will scour the planet for any sign of life and the only thing they will find is Kanye's CAPS LOCK KEY. And then they'll roll their eyes. You see! Kanye's CAPS LOCK KEY fuckery brings all the beings of the universe together!

Anyway, Kanye took to his blog today to loudly fart about how he's on Maya Angelou's tail and how all of us need to soak in positive forces. I'm guessing he means that we need to bong and booze more (which is what he was doing while writing this mess). It works for me.

And in 10 years, when your children ask you to read them a book, throw that shit in the garbage and read them Kanye's rants instead. Because Kanye's poetry is the only education your child needs. Yes, I've been drinking. To quote Kanye, LOL!!!

Entertainment Weekly named Gay Fish's "The College Dropout" as the greatest album of the decade. Unfortunately, Kanye West didn't snatch the mic from himself and declare that "Graduation" was actually the greatest album of the decade before handing the mic back to himself. If that happened, Kanye would get permanently stuck on "mic snatchin'" repeat. I'd buy tickets to that show.

BUT Kanye did manage to pound his CAPS LOCK key to type out a taint hug to everyone (including himself) who worked on the album. This latest post isn't nearly as entertaining (slash dry heav-ey) as his others, but it's been a while since our eyeballs threatened to evict themselves from our head due to reading one of Kanye's posts. So it was worth noting. Just like it's worth noting that Gay Fish was also crowned the biggest FAIL of the year by FAIL BLOG.

Tiger Woods, Glenn Beck, Richard Heene, Chris Brown and Carrie Prejean are waiting in the wings to perform their own mic snatchin' ballet.

HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY! HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY! HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY! HUG YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY, KISS YOUR KANYE WEST, AND ANNOY YOUR FRIENDS BY ONLY USING CAPS IN ALL YOUR IMS, TWEETS AND EMAILS!!! IT'S CAPS LOCK DAY! FUCK A CAPS LOCK KEY!

Okay, you get the point. I will stop abusing my caps lock key now, because I really don't want to get a bill from your optometrist. happy caps lock day. Awwww, doesn't that seem so sad without caps? HAPPY CAPS LOCK/KANYE DAY! Okay, that's better.

(Thanks Angie)

Lady CaCa and Gay Fish's "Fame Kills" tour has officially been be-headed and now it's running around the backyard looking for a mic to snatch. Live Nation announced that the show will not go on and they will refund all tickets.

They didn't give a reason, but I'm guessing that there weren't enough dressing rooms in any of the venues to house both of their egos. Shit, this planet is barely big enough to hold both of their egos. They will both have to start renting storage space on other planets soon.

But seriously, this is probably the result of yet another Kanye West hissy fit. He probably walked in on Lady CaCa in the middle of a tuck and took a good look at her erect hermie peen. This set him off, because we all know her dick is bigger than his. Kanye immediately starving waving his fins and shouting shit like, "WHY DOES SHE HAVE A BIG DICK AND I DON'T?! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE OFFER ME A BIG DICK?! I QUIT THIS BITCH!" That's exactly what happened.

Source: Associated Press

Grass is green, today is Wednesday, Lady CaCa's hermie peen gets hard in the morning and Kanye West had himself another hissy fit tantrum. But this wasn't about Taylor Swift or Beyonce, this was about CHICKEN! Finally, Kanye's b-hole pops over something worthwhile.

According to Vibe (via C+D), Kanye was backstage at Common's benefit show in Hollywood over the weekend when he noticed that everyone was nibbling on chicken but him! Even Sylvia Browne could have predicted what was going to happen next. Kanye, who is a 6-year-old cunty girl in the body of a gay fish, immediately squeezed his internal CAPS-LOCK key (aka his prostate) and shouted at the server, "Why wasn't I offered chicken? You want me to perform for free, and everyone is eating... why am I not eating?" The server then took Kanye by the hand, stood him up, gave him a "pow pow" on the nalgas and told him to count to 10 in the corner.

After that, the waitress told him that he didn't ask for any chicken, in which Kanye responded with, "Well, I'm asking now!" When the queen diva cunt finally got his chicken, he took one bite out of it and threw it in the trash.

I was right on Kanye's side until I read that he threw the chicken in the trash. You do not waste chicken. The saying is "keep fucking that chicken" not "keep trashing that chicken." I really mean it this time when I say that Kanye needs an army of abuelitas to set his bitch ass straight. It's going to take more than one. This boy needs a thorough switch whoopin' by a group of highly-trained abuelitas. BITCH BOGUS!

And no, not CAPS-LOCK rehab. The internet couldn't take it if Kanye West stopped dry humping on his CAPS-LOCK key. Nope. But some sources are telling Star Magazine that there's a chance Kanye could have a problem with the sweet nectar. Before Kanye ripped Taylor Swift's heart out of her chester at the VMAs, he had been getting intimate with a bottle of Henny all night. So of course, Henny took the fall for his verbal barf fest, and now Kanye might go off to rehab to try to erase his wrong.

MSNBC's The Scoop says that sources close to Kanye haven't heard about him checking into the tank right after he finishes his Fame Kills tour with Lady CaCa in a few months. Kanye's spokeswhore also wouldn't comment on this.

This is my question, is there such thing as solo rehab? Because the quickest way to get a drunk reaching for their poison is to put Kanye West in the same room as them. That will make you fuck your sobriety directly in the asshole. Seriously, they should add a 13th step: Keep away from all things Kanye-related!

There were rumors that President Obama declared that Kanye West is a jackass after hearing about "the mic snatchin'." Well, Obama really did say that and TMZ got a hold of the audio, which was recorded right before he was about to do an interview with CNBC.

After the word "jackass" jumped out of his mouth, Obama quickly added, "Nooo. Nooo. I'm assuming all of this. Where's the pool? Cut the president some slack!" But it was too late! The word was already flying around the room. As TyTy would say, "You said it! I didn't say it! You said it!"

Maybe Obama, Kanye and Taylor can talk this out over a beer.

And I'm waiting for a white dove to fly down from heaven carrying a note in its beak that reads: "I co-sign Obama's statement. xoxoxoJC." I'm also waiting for Kanye West's ALL-CAPS "OBAMA HATES DOUCEHBAG PEOPLE" rant.

UPDATE: UsWeekly says Kanye West personally called Taylor Swift and said he was sorry. Taylor said his apology was sincere and she accepted it. So, that's that! I still think Taylor, Obama and Kanye should have a beer.