Kanye West

Beyonce and Jay-Z are making it clear that if anybody's going to make money off of their chosen one, it's going to be their asses. A few days after Blue Ivy Carter became the only baby born on earth (It's true. All our birth certificates are now null and void since B.I.C. is the only human that matters.), several hos tried to trademark her full name to use on a line of baby products. Those trademarks were stamped with a giant red DENIED and the trademark office said that the name already belonged to the most famous human on the planet. According to The Washington Post, Beyonce and Jay-Z are trying to stop future trademark filings by reserving the name Blue Ivy Carter for a future line of baby cosmetics (the fuck?), diaper bags, strollers and all sorts of other tacky baby shit.

One expert thinks Beyonce and Jay-Z's application will be approved right away since parents have the right to trademark the names of their underage kids. Another expert is side-eyeing all of this, because he thinks Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting special treatment since their application has been fast-tracked.

Two things: Welcome to Planet Bey-Z, second expert. Of course, Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting special treatment. The line always forms behind them and the phrase "take a number" is as foreign to them as natural sunlight is to Basement Baby. Second, I love how Beyonce and Jay-Z are really trying to act like they're just doing this to stop shady whores from making $$$ off their baby and they have no interest in putting out a line of baby product products. We all know that the shelves of Babies 'R Us will be soon covered with B.I.C. baby lace fronts and B.I.C. baby bodysuits with the words "Suri Who?" bedazzled on them.

In other Jay-Z news, if you're in the mood for an eye seizure, try to sit through Jay-Z and Kanye's video for N*ggas in Paris. WARNING: You might want to smoke a bowl of Blue Ivy Kush (no trademark) before entering strobe light fuckery hell.

The doors to the Crazy Church of Gay Fish swung wide opened last night on Twitter when Kanye West clogged up all of his followers' feeds for over two hours with his dreams for a brighter tomorrow, or some shit. Kanye's brain switched to thoughts on using iPhones in schools to starting a visionary company called DONDA (named after his late mom) to opening a summer school with Spike Jonze to interning for Kunty Karl to continuing Steve Jobs' legacy to I don't even know. It's like he was crying out for somebody to tell him that he needs less GOOP in his life, because you know you're on another level of lack of awareness when even Fishsticks Paltrow is buying you a one-way ticket back to earth.

If Kanye's CAPS-LOCK OMGLETMEBREAKMYMACBOOKAIR rants read like they were written by a Red Bull can on the wrong kind of crack, Kanye's latest Twitterologue reads like it was written by a seasoned weed bong on a generic kind of Valium. I don't know how to feel about this. Reading one of Kanye's Twitterrhea sessions just isn't the same when my eyeballs aren't backing up into my head to escape him overdosing on CAPS and !!!!!s.

As Kanye's CAPS-LOCK key and I stumble alongside each other into the scary unknown, you can read Gay Fish's entire plans for his Magnum Douchepus here. But if your bowels can only take so much of Kanye in the morning, here's the highlights. This is Kanye's ego on the good shit:

I moved to Rome after I left Japan and worked at Fendi for 4 months under cover ... I was there to give ideas for the men's collection

I snuck to Giuseppe Zanotti Factory still under contract and learned to design woman's shoes for 2 years before my first show in Paris

I knew about my woman's clothing was what my Mom would wear. I guess some critics would joke that I still don't know anything LOL

I was just discussing becoming the creative director for the Jetson movie and someone on the call yelled out.. you should do a Jetsons tour!

I have started a new company and I'm so excited about the name.... it's got the best name ever of all companies of all time!!!....

The name of the company is DONDA

DONDA is a design company which will galvanize amazing thinkers and put them in a creative space to bounce there dreams and ideas...

I am assembling a team of architects, graphic designers, directors musicians, producers, AnRs, writers, publicist, social media experts... app guys, managers, car designers, clothing designers, DJs, video game designers, publishers, tech guys, lawyers, bankers, nutritionist ... doctors, scientist,teachers...DONDA will be comprised of over 22 divisions with a goal to make products and experiences that people want and can afford...

I care about people who have never heard of me... There are over 7 billion people on the planet now...

Spike Jonze and I want to do a Summer school that tries new forms of curriculum

UNLESS YOU'RE A MATH MAJOR!!!! Kids you should be able to take majors starting in grammar school like how it is at performing art schools

Instead of kicking kids out of schools for using there iPhones... why not promote it? Allow kids to use search engines to do test...

We need to take what Michael Jackson felt and Mcqueen and Steve Jobs and we need make things better...

If anyone would like to reach out email us at contactDONDA@gmail.com

I just wanted to share what's been on my mind... ...But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas." - George Bernard Shaw

Right? It's kind of TOO lucid (for Kanye) and too coherent (for Kanye). You know the Mayans are right when Kanye's Tweets are gently whispering at you instead of burning your eye hairs off with his ALL CAPS SCREAMS!!!!!11!!!!!1!!!@#!!!

That being said, Josh Groban, you know what to do.

Instead of watching the throne, Kanye West watched the world turn upside down when he slipped, fell and went both legs up at a show in Norway during All of the Lights (more like All of the HAHAHAHAHAHAs). You'd think that since Kanye can walk on water, he'd be able to walk on floor without his ass eating stage. Those wings that pop out of his shoulder blades and that halo on his head failed the fuck out of him.

There are so many "Imma let you fall" jokes and so little time. But it's true. Beyonce really did have the greatest fall of all time.

via ONTD & Buzzfeed

During his set at England's Big Chill Festival on Saturday night, Kanye West turned the crazy up when he opened his mouth and left out a river of diarrhea and insanity chunks by saying people look at him like he's got a tiny evil stache above his mouth and is responsible for the murder of millions. Well, Gay Fish's signature Stuart Smalley rants are responsible for the death of millions of brain cells, so maybe the Queen of the CAPS LOCK is on to something. Like the opening paragraph of Mein Kunt, Kanye mouth queefed this solid gold ridiculousness:

"I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I'm fucking insane, like I'm Hitler. One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did."

And then Gay Fish continued to prove that South Park is producing his life when he crowned himself the Michael Jordan of music.

"Michael Jordan changed so much in basketball, he took his power to make a difference. It's so much fucking going on in music right now and somebody has to make a fucking difference."

Historians should take note, because this might be the first time in history when both Michael Jordan and Hitler made "....the fuck is that douche's ego on?" faces of non-amusement at the exact same time.

Kanye is right, though. He really is a lyrical mastermind genius that produces beats that sound like unicorns humping the heavenly clouds and the day we all finally realize he's Jesus in a douche bottle is the day that the light on the miner caps of the Four Horsemen will blind us all before dragging us down to Hell thus ending the world (the two obviously go hand in hand). But Kanye didn't need to strain his precious vocal cords of greatness by screaming that rant out. Kanye could've gotten the same point across just by jacking his dick while fucking his ass with a Lexapro bottle. That would've been less offensive.

via NYDN

When I first read that the tingle in my loins Anderson Cooper was hosting the CFDA Fashion Awards, my first brain fart was that it makes sense why he checked "HELL NO NEVER NO" on the eVite I sent to the CNN general e-mail address asking him to attend my own CFDA (stands for: Come Fuck Dis Ass) event. I forgive him for that. My second thought was that it makes all the sense in the world that The Silver Fox would host the Oscars of fashion (that's what it is, right?).

Mah Boo comes from the Vanderbilt fashion dynasty AND he was a tween Ford model. Yeah, Ford, I know. We shouldn't hold that against him. It's not his fault that he didn't grow up near the esteemed Barbizon Model Academy in Anaheim, CA, the third modeling capital of Orange County (after Santa Ana and Fountain Valley, of course). Mah Boo can't help it that he only knows how to pose in front of a camera and never learned secret Barbizon tips like how to remove a suede bomber jacket while struttin' down the runway and how to keep your back to the door while leaving a casting director's office. (Fuck to me, I just gave away those secrets. There goes my right to use the "Looks Like a Model" tagline on my business card.)

Here's more of Mah Boo showing the fashion world how it's done last night. A little fact, though. That pillar behind Mah Boo was just ordinary until his butt burped and BAM! Crystallized.

I also threw in some pictures of Gerard Butler and Kanye West, because after getting burn marks on your nipples from Anderson Cooper's hotness, you'll need to treat them with douche water (provided by Kanye) and Scottish grease (provided by G. But).

Kunty Karl showed his new line of wispy cobweb gowns for Chanel in a cave under a volcano in Mordor today, and the best part of the show was when he slithered off of his throne of bones and braved the flashes from cameras to pose with admirers like Lily Allen, Florence Welch, Clemence Poesy, and Emma Roberts. They crawled through the tundra for miles to get a picture with the exquisite demon whose mop of bone dust threads holds the broken dreams of 12-year-old models in its tips. It's sort of like that time Perseus traveled from afar to slay Medusa. But instead of chopping Kunty Karl's head off (which is totally impossible for a mortal to do, by the way), they just want to pose with him like he's the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus or the old timey hos at Knott's Berry Farm.

Seriously, some say that designing $1,200 t-shirts out of caterpillar skins is Kunty Karl's specialty, but I say it's posing with random people. Ghoulfriend is good at that shit! Karl really needs his own mall tour. I'd wait in line with the other screaming brats and babies to get a picture on Kunty Karl's lap. I wouldn't even mind if Karl stuck his nose in my ear to see if my brain is the type of consistency he likes to nibble on.

The free clinic's nemesis Justin Bieber has already given his Connect Four discs on the issue of abortion, and now Kanye West is warning ballers to beware of gold diggin' bitches and their high-priced abortions. Really, what the hell kind of Planned Parenthood is Kanye going to? Does Planned Parenthood have an outpost in the basement of Barney's we don't know about? Does their abortion procedure include reupholstering your pussy in mink, gilding your clit with 25k gold and dusting your labia with crushed canary diamonds? Gay Fish and his fancy abortions!

Yeah, I know Kanye is really saying that you have to pay a gold diggin' bitch off to have an abortion, but I'd like to believe that he really thinks it costs $50k or more. Planned Parenthood should send Kanye several $50k invoices for fancy abortions rendered to see if he pays.

And just so Kanye knows, a true gold diggin' bitch will have the baby on the down low and the hit the baller up for $50k a month for child support. #shutup

Source: The Twatter House of Gay Fish via Jezebel

In case you missed it, here's stunt queen extraordinaire Kanye West putting every colored light bulb at Spencer Gifts to the test in his video for "All of the Lights" featuring Kid Cudi and RiRi who is wearing one of The Slut Dress' newborn babies as a top. And in case your name is Serene Branson, you should not press "play" on this technicolor "shot in my mother's garage" mess because it will induce another complex migraine and heavy burtations will occur!

via Rap-Up

And even though this has nothing to do with Taylor Swift, I'm sure she's still crying on top of pink lined notebook paper while writing Innocent: The Sequel. Expect it to debut at #1 the same week Kanye's next single comes out. Damn.

via The Twatter House Of Gay Fish

Josh Groban's music is only tolerable if you've got ear holes full of weed smoke, but I didn't even need to prepare a bowl to enjoy his musical rendition of Kanye West's Twitter page on last night's Jimmy Kimmel: Live!. My only real critique is that Josh sang way too soft and didn't give the CAPS the respect they truly deserve! Next time, Josh needs to SING OUT until his tonsils are blowing past his teeth. That's the Kanye way.

And here's a few visuals to go with Josh's soundtrack. It's Kanye in NYC last night wearing a coat fit for a cunt queen (or an Upper East Side socialite divorcee who isn't allergic to red paint).