Kanye West

You probably can't tell that's Kim Kardashian's ass since it doesn't have a black peen all up in it, but that's Kim Kardashian's ass. "Yes, I'll have an order of the piss-glazed rump roast with a side of cold whore topped with gay sardines" is probably what every diner at Prime 112 in Miami ordered last night when they watched a panty-less Kim stroll in with Kanye West.

Ever since Kanye took over as Kim's head stylist, he's really done his best to make her look like it takes several master sausage casers, a half a dozen pig wranglers, a herd of tugboats and a hundred tubs of mantequilla to get her dressed. The hell is she wearing? A better question is, who the hell does she think she is? Bitch, the year is not 1992 and next to "occupation" on your tax return, you can't write: a member of En Vogue. So give it up, turn it loose!

Speaking of turning it loose, Reggie Bush and his knocked up piece had dinner at a restaurant right next to Prime 112 at the same time Kim and Kanye were making a dining room full of people get the heaves from being exposed to that much smugness. So when Kim and Kanye came out, one of the paps asked her if she wanted to congratulate Reggie for putting a fetus in a trick. That made Kanye bust into one of his theatrical bitch meltdowns and he grabbed at the pap's camera.

Meanwhile, Kim smiled the whole time, because: a) She was getting more attention and; b) Bitch was extra light in the head (and that's saying a lot), because her skirt was on so damn tight.

Kim Kardashian is still legally married to Amoukar from Quest For Fire and she just barely had her diamond wedding ring turned into hers and hers anal lips rings for her and Kanye Kardashian (nee West), but she's already thinking about how she wants to keep fisting the sanctity marriage in the butt without lube. Tatler Magazine (via Zap2it) committed a blasphemous sin and THE QUEEN should order for all of their heads on a Dixie paper plate, because they interviewed Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig for the same issue that Prince Hot Ginge is on the cover of. That's like opening an Almond Roca and finding a piece of dried caca inside. I hate them for that, but I hate myself more for copy + pasting what came out of Kim's talk hole about her next wedding and Kanye:

"It had always been my dream to have a big wedding, and when people said that I'd made it over the top for the show, that was just me: I am over the top. But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that's it.

He's been there through so many different stages of my life and before I was famous, so this relationship is a different thing entirely. It's good to be aware that he definitely doesn't want anything from me too, because he understands the business. I can't even think about being with anyone else than the man I'm with."

"...with just my friends and family and three crews from E! and the dozens of vendors who are giving me free crap to whore out on my stupid piece of trash and Life & Style Magazine and the paparazzi and officials from the Illuminati who will be there to punch my 'Marry 5 Times for No Reason, Get 1 Free Bottle In The VIP Section In Hell' card." This trash heap heffa is the last bitch on this planet who should get married, but who am I to stand in the way of fame whore love? If Kim wants to make Kanye a wife on an island somewhere, E! should make her dreams come true by booking her on Oceanic Flight 815. I know, that was wrong of me. Even the Smoke Monster doesn't deserve to be around trash like that.

Here's Kim strolling around Miami the other day in an orange bed sheet. Just like me after reading about Kim's love for Gay Fish, her tits are sullen, over it and slowly falling to the floor out of boredom.

JLo must've been desperate for photographers to catch her having a touching and completely manufactured moment with her daughter Emme Anthony, because: a) Who in the hell brings a 4-year-old to a boring ass fashion show in Paris? and; b) Who in the hell brings a 4-year-old to a boring ass fashion show where backstage in the darkness lies the Death Eaters' house mother who keeps the mop of wires on his head glistening white by regularly dying it in the pure innocence of a child? JLo is so hard up for a photo-op that she doesn't care if Kunty Karl syphons the youth and innocence out of her daughter. Oh well, I'm sure Emme wasn't too scared of Kunty Karl. I mean, you get used to staring at the malnourished face of a functioning zombie when you spend every other weekend with Skeletor.

The front row at the Chanel show in Paris this morning smelled like desperation (from JLo), boredom (from Emme), soiled chonies (from Casper Smart, he still hasn't earned his PtD, potty training degree, yet), freshly polished blue steel (from Karl's 22-year-old human Baptiste Giabiconi) and fish (from Kanye). While Emme tried to keep from completely melting down into an impeccably dressed puddle of BORING, her mom's adopted boy toy Casper Smart tried to not look at the hot piece that is Baptiste Giabiconi, because he didn't want to further embarrass his sugar mami by having a cream pie moment in his panties.

And if you're thinking that Suri Cruise and Harper Seven Beckham must be spitting jealousy over this, STOP! Harper Seven Beckham privately viewed this collection in her penthouse suite at The Ritz LAST WEEK. And Suri Cruise already gave this collection to her maid's daughter, because she owned and wore all of it weeks ago!

Kanye West's debut sex tape isn't even out yet and a sequel is already up for sale too. Kanye's team of lawyers sent out cease and desist letters to several websites, threatening to sue them for every last dollar they get from Google Adsense if they even think about posing a clip of Gay Fish flopping on punane. Kanye pretty much confirmed that it's him in the sex tapes and also confirmed that Pimp Mama Kris taught him to threaten to a bitch so it looks like he didn't leak the tapes himself even though he totally did.

TMZ says that the first tape (which may or may not co-star Kim Kardashian look-alike Mony Monn) is 20 minutes long and the second tape is even longer. The second tape co-stars a different trick than the first tape and Kanye uses his fishstick dick to hump on her for almost 40 minutes. Kanye doesn't want any outside eyes to see his taco meat-covered ass bounce up and down, and he claims somebody stole the tapes from his computer. So yeah, either Pimp Mama Kris has already trained little Mason Disick how to crawl into hotel rooms to steal files off a computer ("You have to earn the diapers on your ass somehow, kid" - PMK to Mason) or this shit is just another stunt.

Kanye taking 40 minutes to bust out an orgasm makes sense. When Kanye's hitting it from the back and looks down and realizes he's putting it in a lady vagina instead of a boy butt, he gets soft and has to start all over again. FRUSTRATING! Kanye sometimes tapes a picture of himself to his trick's back, so he can try to cum while staring at the thing he loves most, but have you ever tried to jizz while looking at a picture of Kanye West? It's impossible. I'm sure the trick he was boning on didn't mind. While lying there she finished her taxes, she cut her cuticles and finally made it to the next level on Angry Birds. A ho gets so much done when Kanye's on top of her.

No, that isn't another picture of the immaculate restoration of Ecce Homo. It's icky homo and gay fish Kanye Kardashian (née West) adjusting the video camera so it gets a clear shot of his taco meat-covered mopey titties in action as he breaks a trick like her coochie's a MacBook Air. Since Kanye's heffa ass ho Kim Kartrashian has a sex tape, he made his own so they both have touching memories to share with their future children on family home video night. Radar says they've seen a 20 minute-long video of Kanye pounding into some 18-year-old piece like she's an ALL-CAPS keyboard.

Radar calls Kanye's fuck tape co-star a married Kim Kardashian look-alike who says on camera that she's 18 and she's there because her husband doesn't wet hump her anymore. (No, bitch, you're there because you answered Kanye's Craigslist ad and you messed up your lines. You were supposed to say, "I'm here, because Kanye West is God wrapped in Jesus wrapped in all the apostles and I am surrendering my humble body in the name of everything that is holy and everything that is holy is Kanye. Hash tag YOLO! Hash tag KanyeWestSexTape2012BuyIt!")

Radar also says that Kanye's peen is covered in a rubber the entire time and he doesn't ever kiss his trick on the lips, because he didn't want to smear his Balenciaga lip gloss. ("But Michael, they don't sell Balenciaga lip gloss in stores." - you "Exactly." - me) Some porn industry insider says that the tape was shot right before he started dating Kim and that he broke down in tears (of fame whore joy) when he found out the tape was being shopped around. The porn industry insider went on to say this:

"The sex tape is being shopped right now and there's a lot of interest, but Kanye is freaking out! He doesn't want this tape out and will do anything to make sure it stays private. If this were to hit the market it would be worth a fortune… there would definitely be a lot of people wanting to see this! In my expert opinion Kanye's performance far outweighs Kim's!"

In MY expert opinion, a comatose wart hog's performance far outweighs Kim's.

Please, this staged sex tape mess is just another production from Pimp Mama Kris. If you want to be fully accepted by the Kardashian family, the world has to see your bare ass bouncing in the air on a sex tape. It's not a sex tape, it's an initiation ceremony.

And if you want to see a Kanye sex tape, just watch any one of his music videos. It's nothing but him finger banging his ego raw over and over again.

And here's Kim infecting Melbourne yesterday.

I'll say it - nice ride.

If this bitch thinks that the right-minded people of the world are gonna stand for Kim Kardashian's Fake Wedding Extravaganza 2 ("Now With The Right Shade Of Dick!"), she's got another thing coming! The first time was so awful. Everywhere you turned, you saw a moustache in a wedding dress on every magazine cover and TV screen. It was a dark time when Kim Kardashian married that duh face with the bolts in his neck, and then dropped him as planned. Then she had the balls to act all shocked when people thought she was an even bigger cunt than they already thought for perpetuating her bridal lies. Well, get ready to see four handfuls of ass trying to stuff itself into a much-too-small gown down at David's Bridal again. Bitch is looking to destroy the aisle once more.

Radar says that Kim Kardashian is trying to speed up her divorce from Kris Humphries, so she can marry her current boyfriend prop Kanye West. How the fuck you gonna fit those two egos in one setting? There isn't enough atmosphere on this planet. Those two fools, Kim's ass, Khloe's The Howling body, AND JAY-Z AND BEYONCE? The amount of bullshit present will cause the damn earth to tip, our poles will reverse, and gravity will quit this bitch. That union will end the earth. Mark my words.

Kim is tired of waiting and thinks Frankenstein's Monster is stalling so he can make her look like the greedy douche she is.

Radar:

"There is going to be a scheduled status conference on Wednesday for Kim and Kris' divorce. Kris has already been deposed, but Kim hasn't been yet. Kim has told her lawyer that the case is dragging because Kris is determined to keep his name in the press and drag her name through the mud. Kim is ready to get engaged to Kanye, but doesn't want to until her divorce is finalized," a source close to the situation tells us.

Kim is so very sure that "Kanye is the man she is going to spend the rest of her life with, and she doesn't want to wait." *chortle* The real threat to "traditional marriage" also feels that her deposition in the divorce proceedings is a waste of time, and wants the whole thing over ASAP. Kris wants her to admit publicly that their wedding was a hoax. And I want someone to spray the E! building with enough ranch dressing that it will entice Khloe to devour it. And Seacrest better be in the toilet when it happens. This is all his fault.

More pics of K&K motoring in that little gallery. It's always the shitty people who have the nicest cars.

The dude in the tux who looks like he just inhaled a stank cloud of dirty ass blowing at him from his left IS saying it all with his face.

At last night's BET Awards, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Kanye Kardashian (née West) all held court in the front row while Kim Kardashian sat there like the loser outcast trying to get the popular kids to look at her. This is what it would look like if a celebwhore was forced to spend a full hour with a Make-A-Wish kid and that Make-A-Wish kid was a real asshole. Seriously, this looks like Beyonce is doing charity work she really doesn't want to be doing.

The side-eyes, laughs and the "if I fake smile big enough nobody will notice that I'm grossed out by that trash heap heffa whore" facial expressions from Beyonce and Jay-Z were almost more hilarious than Jay-Z wearing one of Pee-wee Herman's old suits. But Beyonce did try to include Kim in their royal Illuminati triangle. It was nice of Beyonce to make Kim feel at home by wearing a dress the color of piss. Jay-Z however, didn't even try. When Jay-Z and Kanye won Best Video or some shit, Jay-Z reached into his pocket, pulled out a Post-it with "KICK ME" written on it and stuck that shit on Kim's back:

And it's a sad, sad day when a photographer crops Basement Baby out of the picture to make way for Kim's ass. Nothing hurts more than getting kicked back down the basement stairs by a Kuntrashian.

Kris Humphries is currently trying to legally shut his ex-piece, Myla Sinanaj, up, because she's selling all the text messages he sent her about his fake marriage to Kim Kuntrashian. Myla claims that Kris told her she was the love of his life and he couldn't wait to get his divorce from Kim out of the way so they could be together. This screws with Kris' money, because he's suing Kim for playing with his innocent heart and defrauding him by only using him for a publicity stunt. (Nobody has ever accused Kris Humphries' caveman shit brain of producing anything but DUHs.)

Most of the shit Myla has been saying about Kris and Kim isn't that surprising, but nothing is more unsurprising than what he told her about Kim's sex tape with Ray J. TMZ says that Myla claims Kris told her that whore master Pimp Mama Kris ordered Kim to fuck her way to fame by making that tape with Ray J. The first cut wasn't good enough for Pimp Mama Kris so she ordered reshoots. Say what you want about Pimp Mama Kris, but she really does care about the cinematic integrity of her daughter's fuck time tape. TMZ's source puts it like this:

Kris Humphries trashed Kim Kardashian and her family in conversations and text messages to his former girlfriend, Myla Sinanaj ... telling her Kris Jenner not only directed Kim to shoot her sex tape, but to re-shoot because Kris J didn't think the first one was pretty enough.

A source close to the Kuntrashians (see: Pimp Mama Kris) calls this a lie, but I believe every word of it and no lies are detected. But what gets me is if they did reshoots, what did the first tape look like? I've seen more emotion in the faces of the plastic toys my dog humps than I did while watching Kim get her appendix poked out by Ray J's boomerang dick. Bitch just lays there like a constipated walrus trying to push out a much-needed fart. Maybe Kim was even deader in the first one and it classified as necrophilia porn, so PMK scrapped it. Actually, the second one counts as necrophilia porn too, because PMK sold Kim's soul to the devil long before that tape was made.

Here's PMK's #1 ho and her #2 ho Kanye Kardashian going to some restaurant in Paris yesterday.

Kim and Kanye Kardashian's stunt queen parade in NYC made a stop at The Lion last night and he decided to really sell it hard by flashing his thigh while giving us his best Blue Steel (more like Rusty Tin). I know that when the paparazzi swarm him like this, his ego boils over and causes his body to overheat, but he needs to keep his pants up. Nobody wants to see that shit!

Pimp Mama Kris obviously choreographed this move to make us all believe that Kim and Kanye are so hard up for each other that they're 69ing, golden showering and nibbling on each other's clits in the backseat of the car. Please. Kanye's pants are down, because he was having an intense conversation about art with his pubes (they're better conversationalists than Kim) in the car while Kim got her lips camera ready by varnishing them with shellac. Either that or Kanye believes that since they've been at it for a couple of weeks now, they're at the halfway point of their relationship and he should keep the romance alive by pissing on her ass right there on the street.

Or I'm completely wrong and Kanye's just smoking the wrong stuff. That's probably it. And why can't I see his panties? Is Kanye wearing a g-string or one of those peen patches?

The Illuminati's very own Brangelina kept up the stunts last night by joining claws while doing the LOOK AT US strut past the paparazzi at the opening of Scott Disick's restaurant in NYC. Scott Isadick opened his new Patrick Bateman-themed restaurant called American Psycho Grill, which serves cheese-stuffed roasted rat and a noodle dish named Chop Huey Lewis and the News. No, I wish. Scott opened up a Japanese restaurant in the Meatpacking District called RYU, because he knows so much about Japanese food. Please, that restaurant is a front. It's obviously the East Coast whore headquarter's for the Kuntrashian's whore activities.

Why do you think Kanye Kardashian née West was there? As soon as Kanye walked through the doors, Pimp Mama Kris took him to a back room where he was officially baptized into the Kuntrashian Klan by spilling his bladder water onto the forehead of Kim Kardashian's ass (yes, her ass is so big it has a forehead) as Khloe branded the mark of the dark side (aka the letter "K") into one of his ass lips with a heated bronzer stick. Kanye is officially a Kardashian. And now you know why Jesus walks. It's because he's going to the nearest computer station in heaven to unfriend Kanye on Facebook.

In other Kuntrashian non-news, Kim tells Paper that she's famous because of the Internet (Note: That right there is the number one reason Time Warner operators will hear when they ask, "And why are you canceling your Internet today?") and she loves blowing fake tanner kisses at her haters:

"I love writing them back. People will write me, 'My phone battery lasts longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage,' and I'll write back, 'Oh, which phone is that?'

When people are so stupid, you just have to have fun with it. Someone [without a profile photo] will say I'm fat, or a hairy Armenian, and I'll write back, 'Oh, that egg picture of yours is so gorgeous.'"

Kim's koochie will give you a burning sensation and so will her comebacks. Of course Kim responds to her haters, what else is she going to do between doing nothing and doing nothing?