Paula Abdul

This is definitely excellent news. The New York Post reports that Paula Abdul's bug-eyed ex-boyfriend, J.T. Torregiani, is in talks to be the next "The Bachelor." He talks?! I just assumed he communicated through grunts and pointing. That's why he lasted so long with Crazy Abdul.

A source said that 33-year-old J.T. was asked a couple of years ago to by the producers of the show, but he met Crazy so he turned down their offer. The two broke up last month, because whatever Paula drugged him with finally wore off and he realized who he was waking up to every morning.

J.T. is a partner at The Dolce Group, a restaurant group in Los Angeles founded by Mike Boogie from Big Brother.

"The Bachelor" is good shit, because it tries to be all high-class and shit, but it's just as trashy as "Flavor of Love!" J.T. and his crystal ball eyes will fit right in. I mean, he's basically going from dating one major crazy to dating 25 major crazies. He's been well trained by Paula.

International supermodel Phoebe Price did some charity work last night by presenting Paula Abdul with an award from the Neuromuscular Disease Foundation. When cutlets met crazy! You know what's wrong with the picture above? Paula is not bowing down to Her Royal Highness The Queen of Chicken Cutlets.

I doubt these two spoke one word to each other. Paula just grinned and watched the chicken cutlets dance happily on Phoebe's cheeks. PP didn't notice, she was too busy trying to do her best Morticia Cutlets impression.

In other PP news, she will hold a press conference today in front of the Chanel store on Robertson in Los Angeles. PP will address Chanelgate! She has not received an apology from Chanel, so she's expected to announce her lawsuit against them. Scooby Doo will be her head counsel. I can't wait to hear this shit. Trial of the fucking century!

I really wish I was related by blood to Paula Abdul. Then I would have inherited her natural drunk gene. Paula doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs or pop pills and yet she always looks like she's just done a dozen body shots off of a fat frat boy. For example, take the picture above. That's exactly the face I make while staring in awe at McDonald's menu after ten too many coffeetinis. Scientists really need to find a way to extract her natural drunk gene and inject it into me.

Here's Paula at a Lupus event in Los Angeles last night. I also threw in some Dakota Fanning, because it would be illegal not to.

Somebody please tell me the recipe for Paul Abdul's crazy juice! I seriously want whatever she's drinking, because the woman is in another dimension. She should bottle that shit. I would buy a lifetime supply. Fuck water. I need Paula juice to stay alive.

Paula effed up majorly on "American Idol" when she judged Jason Castro for two songs even though he had only just sung his first song. All 5 bitches sang 2 songs each. Paula gave semi-negative comments to both songs. Randy had to let Paula know that they were only judging the first song. Nudge...nudge...Paula tried to save it by saying the second comments she gave to Jason were meant for David Cook. The problem there was, she gave David a generic "that was fantastic" comment. She said nothing negative about David.

I'm guessing the judges write down comments during dress rehearsals. When Gaycrest called on Paula to judge Jason, she was too busy riding on a golden unicorn through the crystal clouds that she didn't realize they were only judging the first song, so she started rattling off all her notes. The woman is amazing. I want to sit in the desert with her and drink from her Coca-Cola cup.

Paula Abdul was thinking, "Is this the voices in my head again or is this real?" Unfortunately, it was very real. Michael Johns didn't take a bullet for Kristy Lee Cook, he was tortured and left to be picked by vultures. I am SHOCKED! I knew something like this was coming up, but not Michael! Not my Michael! He was the hottest one. American Idol just doesn't like sexy people. They don't. Of all the people that are left, I can't picture any of them having sex. None of them! This is a shame and an abomination!

This shit is rigged by the government! They want Kristy Likes Cocks to win this shit. I demand a recount!

I am going to drown my sorrows in a few (12) Kristy Kremes. I leave you with this Paula Abdul quote that seems appropriate for this very occasion:

"Where's God when you need him, because this does not make any sense." - Paula Abdul

Paula Abdul is not happy with her video for "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." Quick! Somebody get a camera on her. I feel another meltdown coming on. According to MSNBC's The Scoop she is completely disappointed. A completely disappointed Paula probably means she fired at least 2 staff members, screamed at her dogs and probably peeled some of her wallpaper off the wall.

A source said, “She doesn’t think it’s Heidi Montag-bad, but she’s still trying to pretend like it didn’t happen. If Randy (Jackson) wasn’t involved, she’d be more vocal about it, but she does appreciate the fact that he was involved." Heidi Montag bad? Heidi doesn't even count as a music video. It's a straight-up snuff film, because it killed me softly.

Paula just needs to have a drank and settle down. She fucked up the video, only because Scat Cat was not in it. Paula is nothing without Scat Cat and as soon as she realizes this, she'll be better off.

I must say that as soon as I heard this shitty song I was dancing like there's no tomorrow and I still haven't stopped.

I miss the 90s and now I can relive them over and over again thanks to Paula Abdul's new video for "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." I'm a little confused by the concept. It's filled with tacky ass photo frames! It's like they used every possible photo frame on Microsoft. Budget.

Paula also hops around like a little bunny rabbit on Sam Lutfi pills. They probably just gave her a jolt and started filming. It's like she did it all in one take.

The image of Ryan, Paula, Randy and Simon at the end of the video kills me. The power of the Idol!

Thanks Erin

I thought Paula Abdul and Creepy Eyes boyfriend were done? I'm so confused. I feel like I've been drinking from her Vicodin sweet tea. Anyway, Paula and J.T. Torregiani stepped out together to attend Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party this past weekend. I'm glad they are back together. Paula needs love and he only has creepy eyes for her.

Can you imagine them in bed together? He probably just lays there with his creepy eyes wide open. I doubt he can even shut them. She's laying there giggling one minute and then crying the next. Her 55 dogs are barking and shitting everywhere. That shit is scary. It's like a room in The Twilight Zone's Tower of Terror at Disneyland.

Wenn, Splashnewsonline.com

Paula Abdul is back! Ok, not really but she tried. Paula's pre-taped performance aired during the Super Bowl pre-show. It was pretty much what you would expect from Paula. She lip-synched and bounced around like a bunny on speed. Awww...she's my favorite pill-head. I just want to hug her, but she would probably wiggle away like an electrocuted goldfish. I would've been all about this performance if it was 1994.

The best part was seeing Randy Jackson try to rock out. He belongs in a Journey cover band with other 50-somethings (yeah, I know he played with Journey for a quick minute).

Too bad the track didn't skip. Paula would've bounced off the walls like she was on fast-forward and then have a major meltdown. Oh well. Next time.

Paula Abdul won't be performing live at the Super Bowl on Sunday. Paula is still expected to perform her new shitty single, but it's going to be pre-taped. OK! Magazine reports that Paula's segment was already taped on January 27th in front of a studio audience. Producers are saying that the last-minute decision to add Paula is the reason why she won't perform live.

However, OK! reports that it's actually nerves. A source said, “She is fragile emotionally and too much of a perfectionist to handle a live show." All the more reason to have her perform live! A live Paula Abdul meltdown would be so much hotter than Janet Jackson's nip slip.

Did you see American Idol last night? Bitch looked like she was drunk the whole time. The Super Bowl needs her. Actually, screw the performance and make her a sportscaster for the night. Give her some vicodin soda with a couple of rubbing alcohol chasers and make her comment on the game.