Paula Abdul

First of all, that is Paula Abdul with her mother. Her mother is absolutely stunningly gorgeous, right? The Grey Gardens teefs, the eyebrows that are reaching for Jesus and the face that only Dixie Carter's plastic surgeon could love...... Totally beautiful! I see where Paula gets her crazy. Speaking of...

A few days ago, an interview Paula gave to Ladies Home Journal started making the rounds, because she told them that she was addicted to painkillers for a few years and even had to go into rehab for it. They quoted Paula and now she's saying they made everything up! Paula issued this statement to E!:

"I want to make it perfectly clear to everyone that I have never been addicted to or abused drugs in my life. I have never been drunk. I have never entered a rehab or detox treatment center.

I spent time hiking, bicycling, doing yoga and enjoying the spa. As anyone who has visited the La Costa Resort knows, it is a luxury hotel, not a rehab facility."

She was soaring through a cloud of Vicodin dust during that interview. That's why she doesn't remember.

Paula also needs to quit that "I've never been drunk" noise. Why is it so awful being called a pill-popping drunk?! Some of the history's greatest people were junkies who were a slave to the bottle. Paula shouldn't be ashamed. She should just pop a doll and let them embrace her. Because if she hasn't been drunk or addicted to the good shit, then she's basically saying that she's 100% naturally IN-FUCKING-SANE. Oh, wait. Maybe she is telling the truth after all. Carry on!

Image: Wireimage

Singing? Dancing?

Paula Abdul lip-synched FOR HER LIFE on American Idol last night during her performance of her new single "I'm Just Here For The Music (And The Lidocaine)." It might have been the Theraflu/NyQuil haze I was in, but I found that shit HIGHlarious (punned on purpose)! Even Scott could see that bitch was lip-synching. I mean, I don't even think her lips were moving. But the best part is when she used two mics to get the lip-synching job done! The "little vicodin pill who can't" was already wearing a head mic and then she scuttled over to another mic and lip-synched into that. Did Mel Brooks write that gag, because it was fucking classic!

So was that song actually. C-3PO sounded more human than that mess. You know Vicki the Robot is the real voice behind Paula's song. Vicki is the Martha Wash of the robot world.

How many of you were hoping one of the dancers flipped her ass too high causing her to get stuck in the rafters? One of the dudes should have thrown Paula towards the judge's table, because she might have knocked Kara DioLEAVEALREADY in the mouth, finally unlocking her damn jaw!

And I also loved Paula's final line before she left the stage, "Gentlemen, I'm just here for the music!" It is your duty to say that line every time you enter a room.

Here comes a story from the Department of Obvious. Paula Abdul had an addiction to pain killers. *crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

The only shocking part is that Paula is actually admitting it. Miss "Ahs nevah been drunkz" and "Ahs nevah taken drugz" is actually confessing that she was forever lidocaine's girl. Every back alley pharmacist from here to Phuket is screaming, "Told you so."

Yes, Paula loved the p-killers. The sweet delicious p-killers. She'd eat them for brunch, lunch and dinner. She'd bathe in them before bedtime. She'd cuddle with them at night. And she probably let them kiss her cat a few times. Well, you know she did. Unfortunately, it became a problem and the little Pillhead had to be shuffled off to rehab last November.

In an interview with Ladies Home Journal (via UsWeekly), Paula said it all started years ago when she regularly stuck her ass with lidocaine shots. In 2005, she was diagnosed "reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome" and the pain was so bad that she had to wear a patch that was 80 times more potent than morphine. Paula also took a nerve medication. And a muscle relaxer.

When Paula realized what the world already knows (that she's out of her fucking head), she checked herself into the La Costa Resort in Carlsbad, CA. Paula says, "I could have killed myself. Withdrawal – it's the worst thing. I was freezing cold, then sweating hot, then chattering and in so much pain. It was excruciating. At my very core, I did not like existing the way I had been."

That sounds like every Sunday morning for me. Get yourself some bacon grease and a Gatorade, Paula.

I will say that Paula doesn't seem like she's flying through the stars as much on Idol this year. So maybe she's off the good shit for now. Although, you know she licks that patch every now and again. For special occasions. Speaking of, where oh where can I get one of those patches?! What dealer do I have to call?! That patch sounds like a beautiful thing. I promise I'll be good to it. I'll sing to it. I'll open doors for it. I'll never leave it or do it wrong. GET ME THAT PATCH.

We all should be born with that patch already installed.

Being Paula Abdul's friend would be like the best thing ever! Not only do you get Xanax in your Cheerios when you have breakfast at her house, but she'd be so much fun to play pranks on. If you told her that she is the real Craigslist killer, she'd immediately turn herself in, because she'd totally believe you. If you told her she could grow a pill tree by planting an Adderall doll in the ground, she'd spend the whole night in her backyard with a shovel and some Miracle-Gro.

Because Paula has the common sense of a boiled avocado seed, she is the perfect person for Sacha Baron Cohen to fool!

Page Six says that for his movie, SBC interviewed Paula as Bruno. Paula had no idea she was being tricked. A source said, "Paula was totally fooled. She bought into his character and to this day isn't aware she was fooled."

To this day, I don't think she's aware that Skat Kat isn't real. NOBODY TELL HER. It would break her little lude-filled heart. It would be like her epic Bratz meltdown all over again! "Where's God when you need him?" Oh, Paula, he's sitting in that little Vicodin bottle waiting for you!

I missed many of the slaughters (they call them performances) on American Idle last night, because I was in my kitchen madly trying to recreate the secret nectar that fills Paula Abdul's Coke cup. I'm guessing it's a mixture of NyQuil, an entire Vicodin bottle, venom from a cold hearted snake, a drop of Skat Kat's jizz and a spoonful of leche from Simon's fur titties. Whatever it is, it had that ho riding high above the stage on a bright purple winged pony. This bitch was seeing magical doves flying through the studio. That would explain her outfit. I think one of those doves dived into her chest to try to stop her madness!

Paula was in HIGH form last night. Bitch declared every whore with a mic the winner. She had no idea what the hell kind of words were coming out of her mouth. The Skat Kat in her head was talking too damn fast and it was confusing her. When Adam Lambert performed, she totally saw him as a glittery giant Adderall pill. Actually, I think every did, because whores left and right were foaming at the asshole over him. I'm trying so hard to love him, but it's not working out for me. I sniff a bottle of Urban Decay nail polish and force myself to bust nuts over him, but it doesn't work. He's a little too Wentzy for me. But I wouldn't be mad if he won. He's a million times better than a lot of those other weepy ass skanks.

Where did the producers do most of their scouting this season? In a damn broccoli patch? Every contestant is more boring than the last. Half of those dudes are the same person. Gokey Allen Giraud Sarver! Throw them in a pot, put a lid over it, set it and then FORGET IT.

Since my brain has already zapped out most of last night's performance, let's go over the whores who will probably go back to working at Hot Dog on a Stick (delicious). Two fools are going home tonight, so I'm guessing there will be a bottom 4. These are my guesses:

Jasmine: She seems like a nice girl. I'd eat a bowl of Lucky Charms with her, but unless you've got a Bratz doll fetish, she's just all sorts of MEH.
Jorge: Even Jorge knows he's being sent to the irrelevant factory. This gives me the sads inside, because think of what his eyebrows could be. I just want to jump on his chest and go to pluck city.
Scott: I picked him, because I really can't remember who the hell he is.
Kris: Bitch needs to give us what we want already! We want fully nude performances! And Simon's right, drop the wife. It's not a good look.

I'm probably totally wrong with the bottom 4, because I do believe that the two Js (Jorge and Jasmine) will be shuffling off tonight.

But seriously, we need to quit delaying the inevitable and declare the true American Idol: Jasmine's mother's wig. Come to terms with that fact! I voted for it at least 300 times yesterday. It's funny that each call I made for Lisa Murray's wig ended with a happy ending. That's a sign.

First of all, sorry my shit is slower than usual with the posts this afternoon. My internet is being so gross right now. I have until the 15th to pay the bill before they shut me down! Damn them! Somebody please get Kanye West to call Time Warner Cable for me and tell them to eat shit and die.

Anytimewarnerisgrossy, this morning on The View, crazy Barbara Walters talked about her Sirius radio interview last night with crazy Paula Abdul. If only Ty Ty Banks was there to complete the trifecta of craziness.

Paul Abdul went on a trainwreck rant about how Fox, the American Idol producers and Simon Cowell tried to destroy her career with the whole Paula Goodspeed incident. Paula Goodspeed was the Idol contestant who later committed suicide in front of Paula's house. Paula claims Goodspeed stalked her for 17 years. When Goodspeed was a contestant on the show, the producers were well aware that she was harassing and threatening Paula, but they allowed her to come on because it would make great TV.

Paula said she looks like a drunk crazy head on the show, because Simon is always talking shit in her ear! Um. That's not Simon, Paula. Those are the other voices in your head.....

Barbara thinks that the new season of Idol will be Paula's last.

Paula ended the interview with some words of insane wisdom: "I put up with so much BS that I had to crawl on my belly, but I rise like a Phoenix!!!"

Well, she's crawling on her belly because of the downers. They can do that sometimes. And I'm guessing the uppers help her rise like a Phoenix.

Paula can't leave Idol! American Idol without Paula is like Simon without his moobs! During every episode, beautiful Vicodin gems cascade out of her mouth and create a puddle of craziness below her. Who else on that show can do that?

Crazy shit always happens to Paula Abdul! Skat Kat must have put a curse on her or something.

The body of a woman was found last night in a parked car just a few yards from Paula Abdul's house in Sherman Oaks, CA. The cops say she might have died from a drug overdose

Police believe that the woman was a crazed Paula Abdul fan and might have been stalking her for a while now.

The woman has "ABL LV" (Abdul Love or Lover) on her license plate and has pictures of Paula hanging from her rear view mirror. Police sources told TMZ that they've been called out to Paula's house a few times to deal with the stalker.

The cops also got a call from the woman's parents yesterday afternoon. They reported their daughter missing and said she might be at Paula Abdul's house.

Paula was not at home last night, because she was off being insane while filming "American Idol."

Paula's handlers better clear the room of dolls and booze, because she's going to have a major meltdown over this news. She probably has a nervous breakdown when one of her fake eyelashes falls off, so I can only imagine how she's going to take this shit.

And I've never heard of a Paula Abdul stalker before. I mean, "Cold Hearted Snake" is a hot song, but damn!

I've decided for myself that Pill-Poppin' Abdul and the new chick hate each other. HATE each other. Like a "I think about opening a hot curling iron in your asshole" kind of hate. I don't know this for a fact, but it's the only way I can accept the new chick. Look at Paula. If she wasn't Robitrippin so hard, she'd slap the new chick with her good hand. Her other hand is always numb from all ze Vicodin. And the new chick is softly praying to herself, "Please help me find a way to not whip this crackie's ass. I just got this job!"

Here's the new and maybe-improved "American Idol" family at the NYC audition today. Simon Cowell's manchichis are looking so perky. I bet he has some duct tape holding up those things.

This is definitely excellent news. The New York Post reports that Paula Abdul's bug-eyed ex-boyfriend, J.T. Torregiani, is in talks to be the next "The Bachelor." He talks?! I just assumed he communicated through grunts and pointing. That's why he lasted so long with Crazy Abdul.

A source said that 33-year-old J.T. was asked a couple of years ago to by the producers of the show, but he met Crazy so he turned down their offer. The two broke up last month, because whatever Paula drugged him with finally wore off and he realized who he was waking up to every morning.

J.T. is a partner at The Dolce Group, a restaurant group in Los Angeles founded by Mike Boogie from Big Brother.

"The Bachelor" is good shit, because it tries to be all high-class and shit, but it's just as trashy as "Flavor of Love!" J.T. and his crystal ball eyes will fit right in. I mean, he's basically going from dating one major crazy to dating 25 major crazies. He's been well trained by Paula.

International supermodel Phoebe Price did some charity work last night by presenting Paula Abdul with an award from the Neuromuscular Disease Foundation. When cutlets met crazy! You know what's wrong with the picture above? Paula is not bowing down to Her Royal Highness The Queen of Chicken Cutlets.

I doubt these two spoke one word to each other. Paula just grinned and watched the chicken cutlets dance happily on Phoebe's cheeks. PP didn't notice, she was too busy trying to do her best Morticia Cutlets impression.

In other PP news, she will hold a press conference today in front of the Chanel store on Robertson in Los Angeles. PP will address Chanelgate! She has not received an apology from Chanel, so she's expected to announce her lawsuit against them. Scooby Doo will be her head counsel. I can't wait to hear this shit. Trial of the fucking century!