Royals

Over the weekend, the News of the World unofficially crowned Sarah Ferguson the true Duchess of Pimps after they posted a video of her trying to whore out her ex-husband Prince Andrew for $750,000. The tape was part of an undercover investigation to get Fergie to agree to sell business access to Prince Andrew, who is a British trade representative. The NOTW says they heard on the stroll that Fergie was willing to sell access to her ex, so they sent in an undercover reporter (posing as a fancy businessman) to catch her in the act!

In the video, Fergie accepts a $40,000 down payment and tells the undercover reporter that she will introduce him to Prince Andrew and open any door he wants. Fergie also claimed that Prince Andrew knew of the deal and told her to demand $750,000. Fergie says on the video, "He knows that he's had to underwrite me up to now because I've got no money." Prince Andrew swears Fergie is lie-telling and he didn't know anything about what was going down.

After the NOTW published their ESCANDALO expose, Fergie came out and apologized to the royal family for trying to pimp their shit out. Fergie said, "I very deeply regret the situation and the embarrassment caused. It is true that my financial situation is under stress. However, that is no excuse for a serious lapse in judgment, and I am very sorry that this has happened. I can confirm that the Duke of York was not aware or involved in any of the discussions that occurred."

Scotland Yard says that Fergie did nothing illegal, so she won't be shuffled off to the chokey at this time.

You can't fault Fergie for doing what she needs to do to keep her wine glass filled with her medicine and her lungs filled with fag smoke. The Weight Watchers money dried up a long time ago, and Prince Hot Ginge keeps telling her to "FUCK OFF" when she asks him to pose for tasteful nudes, so what else is she supposed to do?!

And while watching this sequel to The Grifters, I kept waiting for Patsy and Edina to stumble in to tell Fergie to hurry her ass up before they huffed all the gas from their waiting car.

Today in London, Prince Hot Ginge welcomed a group of cyclers taking party in a charity cycle ride from Rome to Edinburgh. PHG posed for pictures, puckered up his lips and then busted out the pose above. You know my thoughts grow in the gutter, so this picture makes me think that he pretends he's riding a hog when he hits it from the back. You know he makes the "vroooom vrooom" noise when he sticks the tip in.

Thinking about PHG making motorcycle noises during fuck times makes me want to jump on a bike and ride through the snow until my fever breaks.

Robert Pattinson showed up to the BAFTAs in London last night looking like he accidentally grabbed the lube bottle instead of the bottle of Dep gel. We've all made that mistake before (just nod like you mean it), but this is absolutely dreadful. It's like his scalp is crying greasy hair tears. Maybe this is the result of his allergic reaction to vaginas. I mean, James Cameron was there.

RPattz could've at least thrown a Bumpit in there for a little height. The sparkle vamp isn't the same unless he looks like he just chewed on a live wire. Hopefully, this is just a one-time fuck up and the unicorns will be back soon to frolic. Moving on...

Everyone seems to think that the big surprise of the BAFTAs was that The Hurt Locker won a bunch of shit. But to me, the biggest surprise was that Kristen Stewart actually won something, and it wasn't for Best Impersonation of a Cardboard Cutout.

Here's some of the winners last night, click here for a full list.

Best Film: The Hurt Locker
Outstanding British Film: Fish Tank
Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Best Original Screenplay: Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker
Best Adapted Screenplay: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner, Up In The Air
Best Actor: Colin Firth, A Single Man
Best Actress: Carey Mulligan, An Education
Best Supporting Actor: Chrisoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
Best Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique, Precious
Rising Star: Kristen Stewart

And here's a few pictures of the winners, losers and those who were just there for a free gift bag. They are: RPattz, Carey Mulligan, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Gabourey Sidibe, Guy Pearce, two late-in-life lesbians in love, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers with his girlfriend Reena, Kate Winslet, Clive Owen with Kathryn Bigelow, Kristen Stewart, Matt Dillon, Loki's true soulmate with his fiance Elena, Prince Willy and Tom Ford.

This is the REAL Prince William on the cover of Hello Magazine. I'm not sure what they mean by the word "real," because it looks like they sprayed the top of his head with canned hair. Unless, the real Prince William does in fact have a full head of dark hair. Maybe he purposely shaves a bald spot on top of his head every day, because he's mad at his hair for not being a beautiful shade of ginge like his brother's. Yeah, that has to be it. So BEHOLD, the 100% real Prince William!

via UsWeekly

This is the first double portrait of the future King of England and the forever Prince of the Ginges (UK chapter).

Prince Hot Ginge put the vodka bottle down to pose for artist Nicky Phillips at Clarence House in London. Nicky said that while she was stroking to William and Hot Ginge she thought about how she wanted to capture "a behind-the-scenes glance at the human element of royal responsibility and to emphasize their brotherly."

Nicky was successful, because this kind of looks like Prince Hot Ginge sitting on the royal throne while Prince William is reminding him to flush.

And does anybody know if they are going to make a velvet blanket version of this work of art? It will be softer on my nalgas.

via Daily Mail

When The Queen of England met Lady CaCa at the Royal Variety Performance in Blackpool last night, she probably walked away wondering why anyone would waste a delicious box of Fruit Roll-Ups by wearing it. My thoughts exactly.

The much anticipated (not really) meeting between The Queen and The CaCa went down last night, and the former was on her best behavior. Lady CaCa made sure her tuck game was at a royal level, because even she didn't want her tiny soldier to pop out and salute The Queen. It's a known fact that her hermie peen thinks he's British and likes to act out scenes from Oliver Twist. It's a good thing that Lady CaCa checked him by covering him up with fruity preservatives.

Also at last night's performance was Bette Midler, Whoopi Goldberg, Michael Buble and Miley Cyrus. Leave it to Miley to make us Americans proud by baring her chipmunk chichis for royalty. Miley probably said to Elizabeth, "Ahs loooved you in that movie The Queen."

Wearing this dress is only acceptable if the year is 1987, you live in Arkansas, your name is Destiny and you accessorize this shit with a broken condom baby in your stomach and a six-pack of Natty Ice as your wedding bouquet. Oh and some Whitesnake song better be the wedding march. This dress also works if you're my abuelita and you're wearing it on your head to Sunday mass.

Okay, I know this is Miss America and all, but Katie Stam from Indiana should have not been crowned while wearing this dress. She didn't even wear the right shoes! Only exquisite lucite heels could properly compliment this elegant ensemble. It's like her mom bought this dress when she was a little girl and said, "One day my baby will wear this gorgeous gown to the shotgun wedding of her dreams!" Unfortunately, the shotgun wedding hasn't happened yet, so she wore it to the Miss America pageant instead. This dress just confirmed that the whole Miss America crap is still sitting comfortably in the mid 1980s and refuses to move. It kind of sucks that I missed the whole mess on TV. It always makes for good entertainment while you're bonging.

And try to look a little bit surprised when SHOCKING pictures of our new Miss America are discovered on her Facebook in a couple of months.

I see what Prince William is trying to do here. He's thinking in his smart brain that if he makes it hairy on his face, we won't notice the scraggly patch of weeds trying to grow on his head. Wrong! I can still spot his half-grown Chia Pet head a mile away! The beard makes that shit worse. Since he's smart in the brains, maybe he's going to shave off his beard and superglue that shit on his head. Hopefully, that's what he's doing, because his "Can you spare a dollar?" beard is not the look.

Prince William looks like he's been spending the better part of the month living in a cave, feeding on squirrel tales, shitting in holes in the ground and brushing his teeth with plant leaves. Basically, he looks like he's been hanging out with those evil Olsen trolls.

Prince Hot Ginge on the other hand, looks like a big piece of hot sexy, as always. I wish I had some marshmallows, so that I could put them on his fire stick and watch them melt. We'd have S'mores without the chocolate, because I don't play that nasty shit.

Notice how Prince William is staying away from his hotter brother. He can't get too close because the heat from Prince Hot Ginge will singe his pube beard.

Here's the royals including Prince Willy, Prince Hot Ginge, Princess Cartooney Eyes and Queen Elizabeth leaving Christmas mass yesterday.

MARRIEEED? Noooooooo! Dame Elizabeth Taylor, friend to the gays, went out to dinner last night at The Abbey in West Hollywood looking like she was just wheeled out from the cast photo of Dallas. If anybody else was wearing this outfit, I'd immediately order them to spend a little time with the Fug Girls. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. But this is a legend we're talking about! She could wear a "I Hate Spaghetti Cat" t-shirt and I would still adore her. I'd throw her a couple of side-eyes and lip smacks, but I'd still be one of her devotees. Besides, those pants look extra sexy on her and I'm not fucking being sarcastic.

You know, I'd gladly give up one of my internet porn memberships to be one of Dame Elizabeth's best girlfriends. She probably tells the nastiest jokes. I knew a memaw like her who made me sound like a virgin nun. She also used to give me shit from her house when I said I liked it. Once I told her I liked some ashtray she stole from a Holiday Inn and she told me I could have it! Dame Elizabeth probably does that. You just have to pick up your Oscar, tell her it's so beautiful and shiny....and voila! It's yours. She's perfect.

And when I become a memaw and need to be wheeled around, I really want that hot blonde chick to do it.

Prince William got caught by a pap giving a golden shower to a fence during one of his polo match and you can see his royal turtle smiling for the cameras. Actually, I think it's frowning. It wants some fucking privacy. And you can tell Prince William is a royal, because he holds his peen all classy-like. He probably shakes it with his pinky up.

If these were pictures of Prince Hot Ginge, I'd probably be running to the hospital, because my genitals would have exploded. Although, I doubt a pap could ever get a clear picture of Hot Ginge's peen. His ginge pubies are so shiny and magnificent that they blind cameras. Bitches have to wear cataract glasses when going down on him.

Anyway, Prince Willy's willy is after the jump. Don't lick the screen please. That could be dangers. JUMP!!!