Janice Dickinson

One thing I know for sure after looking at these pictures of Janice Dickinson on the beach in Malibu yesterday is that when I'm 56 years old, I hope I too have zero fucks to give and will strut out in public no matter what.

Who cares if people won't sleep tonight, because Janice looks like one of the cave creatures from The Descent in a two piece! Who really cares if scientists would like to poke at Janice, because she looks like a mutated piece of overcooked steak fat that fell in a vat of acid! Who cares if it looks like all the muscles inside of her body are scurrying for the next exit! Who cares if I was Jerry Hall I'd have the weirdest lady boner right now! Who cares if Janice is leaving people confused, because she doesn't have a sales tag from Wilson's Leather sewed onto the back of her neck! Who cares if the bottle of SPF lube I keep next to my desk for outdoor fapping just dried up when these pictures hit my screen!

Who cares, because Janice certainly doesn't! And yes, if Janice Dickinson introduced herself to me as Iggy Pop, I so would.

Janice Dickinson has armpits like Hugh Hefner's ass crack, skin like chitterlings, is crazier than a shit house fox with fish tits (that's the saying, right?) and yet she's still rubbing her Tupperware titty balls on this shit right here. Yes, when Janice's piece kisses on her collagen slivers, he's using his eyes to make sure the paps are getting his good side, but still! Some walking beef jerky sticks get all the semi-hot dick! I swear.

Is it just me (yes) or does Janice's piece look like he was just unfolded? Because his hair part, between-the-eye-crack and butt chin all line up. It's like you can fold him up and take him with you everywhere. Whatever contract Janice signed with the devil, I want the same one.

I've said this before, but without Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, I just couldn't get into this season of American Idol. I'm being generous when I say that I probably watched an hour of the entire season. But I did watch last 30 minutes of last night's finale and went through the pictures from that mess this morning. And after doing this, my question is: What is wrong with this country?! Why didn't Naima Adedapo wrap that shit up last night? Who could deny a vote to an alien who looks like she plays the role of Claudette Wells in the reboot of Square Pegs that only shows in Venus? This is a travesty! I have no idea if her singing voice sounds like a deaf hyena getting choked out while trying to make a pigeon call, but American Idol hasn't been a singing competition for a long ass time. It's a really a competition to see whose family members can put together the largest speed-dialing calling center.

Seriously, it seems like whenever they go to the contestant's hometowns, they always show their friends and family DIALING FOR THEIR LIVES in some restaurant that has been turned into campaign headquarters. American Idol should only count votes from rotary telephones, because people should have to work for that shit. I want to see somebody's grandma flip the hell out every time she dialed the wrong number and had to start again.

Anyway, Scotty McCreery won American Idol last night. If you ask me, the only competition he should've won is America's Next Top Mad Magazine Cover Model. Yes, I watched him sing a bit, and nope, didn't do it for me. In fact, he McCreeped me out a bit.

Scotty looks about 30 seconds out of the womb and he has the voice of A MAN! There's a reason why balls don't drop during infancy. It's so that your baby doesn't sound like Barry White. But that's just me hating again. I'm sure Scotty McCreery will have a career as big as the last ho who won American Idol. Whoever that is.

Here's a few pictures from last night's finale. The theme of the night was obviously: LOOK A MESS! In order: my beauty icon, Scotty with the second place girl, JLo's bedazzled vag, Broke Lewis, Carrie Underwood, David Archuleta, Jack Black, Janice Dickinson, Lil Jon, Aunt Becky, Randy Jackson and Tim McGraw (I so would).

Today's morning delight is brought to you by the goddess of mess herself Janice Dickinson and her triple stuffed Hershey Kiss cookie tits. Before you click on the NSFW (unless you work in the office of a plastic surgeon who specializes in wandering nipples) version of this glorious portrait, you should be warned that doing so might cause you to spend the better part of your day trying to figure out what Janice's Tupperware bowl boobies remind you of.

One minute, they look like Homer Simpson throwing a single side-eye at Bart. The next minute, they look like Cookie Monster staring at a cookie dangling next to his head. Janice has the Rorschach test of tits. Rorschach tetes!

Clear your day (and your throat) and CLICK!

via WOW Report

If champagne bottle nostril sex, rippled titties, stray pit hairs, sign language cunnilingus, 56-year-old nipple, melting Parmesan stick arms, vein erections, painted duck bills and organic elegance gives you life, then these NSFWish pictures are your new holy grail! Janice Dickinson earned the title of the world's first AND greatest supermodel at District 36 in NYC last night by bringing out a series of poses that were so scorching hot it made the silicone in her chichi sacks boil over and her tit skin started to do the wave in her honor.

Not only do these pictures make me crave poorly-wrapped fried pork dumplings, but it makes me fall in love with the forever demure Janice Dickinson. How can you not love a beautiful creature who resembles a Steven Tyler Muppet made with fruit leather?

Someone must have fed Janice Dickinson vodka after sundown yesterday, because she went on a rampage outside of Nobu! Janice unleashed her claws at the pappies after one said she was a "distraction." Janice meant to do some major damage, because she flashed her Janey's Got A Gun nalgas at them. Lenses shattered!

Not only did drunk ass Janice have to worry about keeping her drunk barfs at bay, but she also had to make sure the pappies weren't getting pictures of her cougar chocha. Janice should know better by now and put a collar on it.

As much as I love seeing Janice acting like this, she really needs to save her rage for the jungle. Janice is leaving for Costa Rica soon to film that I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here with Heidi and Spencer. I fully expect Janice to release her wrath on both of them until they are nothing but a puddle of liquid plastic on the ground. Then Janice will inject them into her lips (both sets, because that's how she does it).

Who is the biggest queef in this picture? I really can't decide. The only thing missing is the smoke monster from Lost directly behind them ready to pounce. And by the look on Spencer Twatt's face, his yes-yes is getting a visit from a fisty friend. Blago is guilty as charged!

This is a promo picture for NBC's reality shit show I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!. Yes, this is a picture released by the network in order to get you to watch these people on your television. This picture is about as enticing as....well....as a reality show starring these three completely full barf bags.

NBC announced 7 of the 10 "celebrities(???)" that will tossed in the middle of a jungle in Costa Rica. So far, the cast includes Twit, Twat, Janice Dickinson, Sanjaya, Stephen Baldwin, John Salley and Torrie Wilson. Basically, the "who's who WHO no really WHO?!" of Hollywood. Blago was supposed to be a part of the cast, but a judge ixnayed that plan. NBC says they will use Blago in some way even though he can't go to Costa Rica. Hopefully, they are saving him for the spin-off, "Somali Pirate Master."

Here's some pictures from today's press conference about this mess. When Janice D is the most famous person in a show, you know there's a problem.

She cares about the public, because she's wearing a one-piece! Now if she would only wear a full bodysuit with face mask! I joke, I joke. Janice Dickinson actually doesn't look bad for a 60-year-old muppet. However, she's not respecting the sea life by going into the water. They don't deserve that. Sharks probably swim away from her scary ass face. She's the perfect shark repellent.

She's also a brave muppet for laying in the sun. All that sun could melt her plastic. I'm sure she looks like a shrinky dinky after a couple of hours in the heat.

Here's Janice being Janice in Hawaii yesterday.

Sly Stallone was on Howard Stern (via Page Six) where he was asked about Janice Dickinson's claims that he injected her ass with roids back in the day. Sly responded with, "The only thing I injected her with was my fist."

I know what he meant, but immediately I pictured Janice on all fours with a roided-up arm in her ass. No wonder she's so fucking crazy. She's still traumatized with the horrific image of Rambo's shitty hand coming out of her butt.

Here's Sly "fisting" Arnie at the "Rambo" premiere in Las Vegas. He's also pictured with his wife Jennifer Flavin. I love her on HSN!

Janice Dickinson went on "Red Eye" this week and claimed Sylvester Stallone regularly used steroids and even injected her with it. She said, "He juiced me. I'd wake up and my arm was as big as Popeye - steroids, testosterone, all that stuff that people say [mimicking Stallone voice], 'Hey, it's not that good 'cause you get really big, you know what I mean?' "

Page Six asked Sly's rep about it who said bitch was lying. "Janice Dickinson lied about the origin of her child, and she's lying about this." He said she was a publicity hound who will say anything for attention.

True, but I believe it. It also looks like they are still using roids. The both of them. They look like they inject that stuff into their ugly ass faces. They are two injections away from looking like Eric Stoltz in Mask.