Page Six says that Naomi Campbell has temporarily hopped off of the Russian peen on real estate mogul Vladimir Doronin, because she's way too busy being a judge on the British version of The Face and he's way too busy petting a white Persian pussy while contemplating his plan to take over the world (or whatever the hell Russian billionaires do).
Naomi and Vladimir have been together for five years, but some source says that they're always on-and-off and their relationship is more like a business arrangement. Naomi is the kind of glamorous piece that Vladimir likes to have on his arm and he treats her nice. The source went on to say this shit:
“Naomi and Vlad have a complex relationship, and sometimes break up and make up. In many ways their relationship is like a business arrangement. Naomi brings glamor to his hotels and properties, and he treats her extremely well. But they spend a lot of time apart due to work commitments.”
Some other source said that Vladimir and Naomi are definitely over and he was flirting with some new hos at the Rose Bar in NYC recently.
Fun fact: Vladimir separated from his wife Ekaterina in 1998, but they're technically still married.
Living with Naomi is probably a lot like living with a narcoleptic tiger. One minute, she's sleeping like a precious angel and the next minute she's coming at your throat with her claws. Actually, it's wrong of me to compare that crazy bitch to a narcoleptic tiger, because I don't think narcoleptic tigers punch in their sleep and Naomi definitely does. So despite all of that, Naomi found a dude who's hot, Russian, a billionaire and he treats her crazy ass right? Naomi should be holding on to that dick the same way her maid holds on to a crucifix necklace when she pulls out a BlackBerry. I'm going to tell Naomi the same thing she told Karolina Kurkova on The Face, "You're an idiot."
Maybe Vladimir dumped Naomi and left her for Big Bird, because I see the orgasm in his eyes as he touches those yellow feathers.
Today's headline: Naomi Campbell injured as she was attacked and robbed in Paris
Tomorrow's headline: Paris thieves founds bludgeoned to death with a Blackberry in their underground lair, no suspects
How do you say "Nobody fucks with Naomi?" in French, because that's what needed to be whispered in the ear of French thieves who robbed her ass and knocked her over on the streets of Paris. Page Six says that over a month ago, Naomi The Terrible was hailing a cab in Paris when French thugs, who had been casing her out, knocked her to the ground and stole her shit. Naomi tore a ligament and her really hot Russian billionaire boyfriend flew her on his private jet to Vail, CO to be treated by the top orthopedic surgeon in the world. Naomi is now laid up in her mansion on Star Island in Miami, plotting her revenge on those bitches. The French police are currently looking for two suspects named Kar and Ma. A source put it like this to Page Six:
“It was terrifying. Naomi believes the assailant had been watching her, casing her out, and waited for a moment to strike when she was alone. She was attacked in the street as she hailed a cab, and robbed. Her leg was injured as she was violently pushed to the ground. She was understandably very upset and shaken up."
The Daily Mail has pictures of Naomi sitting on a Jazzy with her leg in a cast. The Daily Mail's source is squinting their eyes at all of this, because Naomi never reported the attack to the police. Another source said that Naomi only drives in limousines, thankyouverymuch, and if you've got kidney stones, just imagine her trying to hail a cab. That image will make you laugh so hard that all of your kidney stones will shoot out of your pee hole. When Page Six asked Naomi about it, she told them that she doesn't speak to the press and that she's fine.
Something in the milk really ain't clean about this, because The Daily Mail's source is right. Why was Naomi taking a taxi? Was her private limousine driver in the hospital, because she kicked his knee cap off after he made eye contact with her while opening her door? Why was Naomi hailing her own taxi? I didn't know her arm could do that! Where was one of her ten dozen assistants or bodyguards? More importantly, how did a bunch of regular dudes manage to tackle Naomi to the ground? Naomi can chop off a housekeeper's head from 50 yards away by throwing her ninja star Blackberry, but she couldn't beat down to stupid ass thieves? You'd think that Naomi would've stunned them with her cunt glare and then cackled as their brains seeped out of their ear holes while she beat them over the head.
What is going on, Naomi? Are you trying to tell us that your super Blackberry-beating power is weakening? Say it ain't so. I don't even know what world we're living in anymore.
UPDATE: French police are now saying that Naomi Campbell did file a report with them. Naomi was lounging in her limousine with the door open when two thieves on bikes tried to snatch her purse up. They didn't get shit, but apparently Naomi was knocked over a little and a ligament in her leg tore.
Naomi Campbell is threatening to throw a lawsuit right at the faces of Cadbury for using her name and comparing her to a chocolate bar in one of their new ads. The "diva" Cadbury is referring to could be their bitchy office manager Naomi Lewis, but Naomi Campbell thinks this is about Naomi Campbell. Which it totally is. The diamonds give it away. Cadbury should've thrown in a blood-soaked maid's uniform and a broken BlackBerry too.
Naomi released this short statement to The Independent. A statement that will make every executive at Cadbury trade in their BlackBerry for an iPhone, because don't think that Naomi can't control any BlackBerry WITH HER MIND!
"I am shocked. It's upsetting to be described as chocolate, not just for me, but for all black women and black people. I do not find any humour in this. It is insulting and hurtful."
Cadbury has since apologized, saying they didn't mean to offend anybody. They have also pulled the ad and will not run it again. Instead, they are retooling the ad for their new Bliss white chocolate and nuts bar and plan to use the tagline: "Move over Karl, there's a new kunt in town!"
If you're a member of Naomi Campbell's staff, it's only a matter of time before pictures like this fall into your file. Well, not totally like this. Naomi doesn't make her assistants get naked before she pounces on them. That would be disgusting and wrong! Naomi has decorum! She keeps her pinky up when she attacks.
Long after one of her old assistants has run off to the underground town where all of her past victims go to hide, Naomi the Terrible will whip out their file and reminiscence about their times together before stuffing that shit into the paper shredder and making her maid throw it into the incinerator down in her dungeon. Naomi will say to one in particular while going through the file, "Oh, I remember when Concepcion helped me make a switch out of old zippers and barbed wire to terrorize the gardener. Those were the days..."
Anyways, here's Naomi in all of her cuntlicious glory posing as some sort of angel of death breathing in the blood of a fallen Russian mobster for Interview Magazine. This is how Eastern Promises was supposed to end.
Somebody needs to take Naomi Campbell's temperature and make sure the thermometer reaches to its boiling point and explodes as usual, because she's been acting all sorts of NOT RIGHT lately.
First, Naomi called Teresa Giudice "a role model," and look at what she was doing at the Dolce & Gabbana store in NYC on Friday night! Naomi used her energy to pop her pussy instead of popping a bitch in the face. Naomi flipped her own wig instead of dragging one of her assistants by the hair down the hallway. Naomi stuck her ass out instead of sticking her nails into a bird's beak for singing too loud.
This is how it all ends...with Naomi actually having a drop of fun while dancing. When I look at these pictures, I don't hear music, I hear the creaky sound of the Four Horsemen's stable door slowly opening.....
Naomi Campbell could rip the hide off of the last living snow leopard and wear it to a Peta event, and I'd simply shrug while saying, "That's her way!" Naomi Campbell could bite into the froat of a blind homeless man thinking he looked at her the wrong way, and I still wouldn't even bother throwing half a side-eye at her. But this this THIS right here is some deplorable shit! This is a valid reason for the state to stamp Naomi's forehead with a giant red 5150! Somebody needs to put on a Hannibal Lecter mask (so she can't Cape Fear you in the cheek) and gently hug her with a Versace straitjacket. Naomi has finally gone too far.
During last night's Watch What Happens: Live, Naomi, who is supposedly a Real Housewives fan, called in to ask Teresa Giudice a question. The question was not: "Can you meet me at the nearest corner so I can introduce your face to my new spiked Blackberry?" And it also wasn't: "Can you donate some of your overgrown hairline to my tragic hairline situation?" No, Naomi said this to Teresa:
"How do you do it? You have four kids, you take care of your family, you cook and clean. I mean, you have no help at all. How do you do it?! You're a role model. It's like, you dress all your kids. They're always....it's amazing.
(Andy to Naomi: "You think she's a role model?") Yeah, she's a role model, a mother.... She's a business woman, she's cooking, she's cleaning, she's a wife.... You know, yeah. The real deal."
Of course, Naomi also told Andy that she "understood" when Neandertheresa shoved him to get to Prostitution Whore-ah at the reunion.
The poor tortured assistant who held up the phone up to Naomi's face during this bizarre conversation not only had to control the shakes in her hand, but she also had to swallow hard to keep the laughs from pouring out of her mouth.
In this case, CRAZY BITCHES should not stick together! Imagine if Bravo gave those two a reality show? They wouldn't tear each other's guts out. They would realize they are stronger together. Then they would recruit Kate Gosselin, Karl Lagerfeld and Michael Lohan and form a giant HUMAN CUNTIPEDE!
Yeah, we better keep Naomi and Teresa away from each other.
Any one of Naomi Campbell's many enemies are always waiting for the perfect moment to replace the contents of her $5000 bottle of conditioner with Pantene (the drug store fumes will choke her instantly) or sprinkle d-Con nuggets into her glass of Cristal, so this story from Page Six doesn't surprise me at all. Naomi is a lot of things (examples: a cunt, a cunt, a cunt, a cunt, and a cunt, etc...), but she's not dumb.
A source tells Page Six that during dinner at a restaurant in Capri the other night, Naomi snapped at one of her bodyguards to bring her a little something to murder the blandness from her meal. The source said, "She couldn't indulge in food until her boyfriend's bodyguard brought over her own salt and pepper shakers." But Naomi's rep corrected the source, "It wasn't salt and pepper, it's her Jamaican hot sauce."
Jamaican hot sauce?! More like the blood, sweat and tears of her victims. What the rep failed to mention is that right before she poured the hot sauce onto the blood diamond she was about to eat, she made her bodyguard inject it directly into his veins to see if he'd bust into a seizure and start foaming at the mouth. Again, the treasured cunt can't be too careful.
Dressed up like she should be sucking on a ciggie and holding a martini while calling Saffy "a bitch troll from hell," Naomi Campbell testified at The Hague (hag in The Hague...hahahaha) today in the war crimes trial of former Liberian President Charles Taylor (zero relation to Converse). Naomi made it perfectly crystal cunt clear that she would rather be moisturizing her nipples with her maid's fearful tears on her billionaire boyfriend's yacht than testifying in the frivolous trial of a man who orchestrated the murder and rape of HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS!
Naomi's tortured servants might forget their place if she's not there to keep them in line by beating the letters TYVM into their forehead when they fuck up. How can the court not know this?! They should be on trial for ruining Naomi Campbell's precious life! I'm sure they will punish themselves accordingly once they deal with less important things like Charles Taylor's trial.
SO while throwing imaginary Blackberries with her eyes at everyone in the room, Naomi answered questions about the night Charles Taylor gave her a blood diamond. Naomi and Charles first met at a dinner for Nelson Mandela in 1997. Naomi testified that after the dinner two men came to her door and gave her the "dirty looking stones." Naomi tried to play like she had no idea where they came from, but said that after speaking to Mia Farrow she figured out that her gift giver was most likely from Charles Taylor.
Here's a few quotes from Naomi's testimony. I've saved the best for last. Satan is getting the last quote tattooed to his horn as I type this:
Naomi on the moment she was handed the diamonds: "When I was sleeping I had a knock on my door. I opened my door and two men were there and gave me a pouch and said, 'A gift for you'. They were very small, dirty looking stones."
Naomi on finding out that Charles Taylor gave her the diamonds: "At breakfast I told Miss Farrow [actress Mia Farrow] and Miss White [Carole White, her ex-modelling agent] what had happened and one of the two said, well that's obviously Charles Taylor, and I said, yes I guess it was."
Naomi on what she did with the diamonds: "I went downstairs to breakfast and took all my luggage with me. I wanted to find my friend [Jeremy Ratcliffe, then head of the Nelson Mandela Children's Fund], someone that I trust and who does great things in South Africa for charity, to give them [the stones] to him to do something with them. I didn't want to keep them."
Naomi on why she didn't want to testify: "This is someone that I read up on the Internet that killed thousands of people supposedly and I don't want my family in any danger in any way."
Naomi on why she didn't ask the two men who the diamonds were from: "I get gifts given to me all the time, at all hours of the night. Sometimes without notes. It is quite normal for me to receive gifts."
Naomi being a SOLID GOLD CUNT OF THE HIGHEST CUNT ORDER: "I didn't really want to be here. I just want to get this over with and get on with my life, this is a big inconvenience for me."
For the record, Jeremy Ratcliffe denies that he has the diamonds. My guess is that a poor member of The Victims of Naomi Campbell Support Group got those diamonds permanently shoved into her ass when she disturbed Naomi by walking too hard on the floor. That's how Naomi works, thankyouverymuch.
Years of getting her weave yanked out in chunks in the middle of the night by ornery minions has taken its toll on Naomi Campbell's scalp. During a photo shoot in NYC yesterday, the wind tried to wig snatch Naomi which gave us a glimpse of the bald patch on the side of her head.
The Daily Mail brought in a Trichologist (not to be confused with a Trickologist) to examine the pictures of Naomi's situation. He said that all the stuff Naomi glues, staples, tapes and braids into her hair has caused it to break (Thank you, Dr. Obvious). The Trichologist added that this has happened to Brit Brit and Posh too.
Naomi should just shave everything off and work the bald look. That bitch can pull it off. Besides, doesn't she get sick of having to tie her weave into a ponytail when she's about to beat a disobedient maid with her Blackberry? Naomi can pounce without having to worry about her extensions getting in the way or her victim grabbing onto that shit. Naomi can be fightin' ready at all times! Thankyouverymuch.
A company called Moodform Mission is suing Naomi Campbell for breaking a 12-year-old perfume contract with them, because she's a crazed entitled bitch. In the affidavit, which was snatched by Page Six, Naomi's former agent and Moodform's co-director said that she was a living nightmare who was always late and even tried to attack a bitch with a perfume bottle. If the affidavit also states that Naomi glared at staff members in disgust as though they were a corroded piece of raisin stuck in a fat hog's ass, then all of that would sound about right. That's our Naomi! That's our cunt!
Naomi is throwing a bedazzled Blackberry back at Moodform's face by counter-suing them. Naomi claims that she never knew her former agent was affiliated with Moodform. Naomi also says that Moodform stole a piece of her profits. Naomi's lawyer is asking the court to throw that shit out and he pleaded his case in this hilarious statement: "The human element that brings the parties before the court is clear: greed, ingratitude and a grotesque sense of entitlement on the part of Campbell that, in her mind, justifies her doing anything she wants to do, including stealing her business partners' money and then lying about what happened."
All he had to say was: "Dear judge, if you don't throw this out, Naomi is going to throw me off a bridge. Here's a picture of my kids. Love, Naomi's lawyer".
The best part of the affidavit is that the Moodform people claim that Naomi backed out of an event, because she didn't want to walk up two flights of stairs and the venue's elevator was broken. HA.
You know, if I was Naomi Campbell I wouldn't want to walk up stairs, cross the street or take a bath in a room with electrical sockets. Bitch has more enemies than Gerard Butler has warts on his dick. It's a serious matter! One of her many arch rivals is always waiting for the perfect opportunity to push or trip her! Naomi should've made one of her minions carry her up the stairs.
Then again, if I was one of her minions I'd purposely break both my arms on the spot so I would have a valid excuse to NOT carry her ass. Carrying Naomi is the equivalent of carrying a shark on a skinny wooden plank over a pool of baby seals. Nothankyouverymuch!