Rumorz

Tater Head brought her supposed new man, Micah Alberti, to the premiere of "House Bunny" in Los Angeles last night. Poor Tater. I hope he's not using her for her gorgeous looks, talent and money. I don't think he cares about her thrilling personality! Or maybe he just has a chin fetish. Chin fucker! Whatever the case may be, I'm glad Rumer is getting her taters mashed. I'm sure they will get married and have dozens of baby spuds.

Tater's mommy, Demi Moore, also came out to support her daughter. Demi is such a bitch. Look at how she's almost posing chin-to-chin with Rumer. Although, Demi is looking a little botoxy in the face. And I really wish Ashton would just go and swim in a toilet already.

Fuckity fuck! Tater Head almost has me feeling sorry for her spud-looking ass (and chin). She's taking advantage of me when I'm feeling ill! In this week's Page Six Magazine, Rumer said she got "screwed" in the name department. She should add "looks" to the departments she got screwed in.

Tater Head said, "My sisters, Scout and Talullah, had cute nicknames. When I was 12 and had crushes on guys, I'd put my first name with their last name, but it never sounded right. Rumer Depp? Nope. In school, kids would sing, 'Rumer, Rumer with a big hairy tumor.' " I take it back. I don't feel sorry for her, but I do thank her for giving me a new song to sing while I'm making tater tots. And what's this "hairy tumor" the kids are talking about? Oh shit. I bet you her chin sprouts hair like a Chia Pet!

Tater also said she was surprised to learn she was chosen as one of People Magazine's Most Beautiful (cough, cough) People, She said, "After being compared to Jay Leno for so long, you don't think of yourself in that way." Ugh. Back to feeling sorry for her. Don't cry, Tater. Wait, do you think she cries potato vodka? If that's the case, she's my new best friend.

Rumer Willis rolled out of bed and took the sheets with her to shop in NYC yesterday. That curtain crap she's wearing is not flattering. Whatever that pillow case bullshit is, she needs to button it up! I can see her "squirrel covers," as Harry Connick Jr. in "Copycat" would say.

Tater Head is in my fair hamlet to promote that "House Bunny" movie she's in. Beverly D'Angelo is in that shit show, so it's a must see.

Since we're on the subject of Tater Head, a while ago someone e-mailed me a video with the subject "Rumer?" in it. I opened it and nearly swallowed my tongue whole. And I thought I had the heart of Satan. The video is extremely NSLF! Click here if you choose to watch it and if you do, stay until at least the 10 second mark. I know I'll be punished for this.

Actually, I take that back. The joke isn't obvious. She's posing with a dog, not a fucking potato.

Here's our little Tater Head at The Power of Paws event in NYC last night. The pooch with Rumer is a true professional and gentleman. He's allowing Rumer to touch and pose with him, but he dare not look her straight in the chin. That would make him lose his composure. I'm assuming poochie is a he, because all dogs who look like that are dudes. Dudes or gayelles.

Someone should have barked at poochie to help Rumer lift up those saggy cutlets! It's driving me crazy. I hate to see a couple of sad titties.

Nicky Hilton, Caridee English and some other ho also showed up to last night's event. Now, Nicky posing with a dog is an obvious joke.

...Tater Head doesn't look "that bad," but when she faces forward, the Leno is out in full force. I think she's wearing all these wigs to try and hide the chin. I say embrace that shit! Wear it proudly. Do some chin-fucking movies. I'm sure there's some bitches out there that have a fetish for chins. Make money off that shit!

And people need to stop wearing swap-meet bought colored contacts! My cousin wears purple ones (that shit isn't even lavender) and claims "she constantly gets compliments" for having such beautiful eyes. I wanted to tell her, "Bitch! They are lying to your fraudulent ass," but I was too busy choking on my laugh.

Here's Tater Head at the launch of Op's "OPen Road" campaign last night in Beverly Hills.

Liv Tyler deserves at least 100 of those cheap ass MTV Movie Award popcorns for holding her smile while standing that close to Rumer Willis. Liv is a nice woman, so she's thinking, "Hmmm....interesting." Actually, Liv is probably stoned. She's excited because she thinks she just caught a giant, fried tater.

Here's Liv with Tater Head at the MTV Movie Awards tonight.

Yup, that's Tater Head in the picture above. You can barely tell, because she's covering up her....umm..best feature. I wonder how that shoot went down. The photographer probably kept yelling at her, "Ok....move your arm down. Just below your mouth...no...above your neck....yeah...um.....just cover your fucking Leno chin! Fuck!"

Tater Head has finally made it! She's part of People's World Most Beautiful In Their Own Minds list. It's ok, let Rumer have her moment. She's probably pulling a Phoebe Price today and walking around town showing everyone that someone thinks she's beautiful! Maybe this is part of Pop Fiction.

Unfortunately Tater Head didn't make the cover. That honor went to Kate Hudson. They should have just put up a picture of fried cheese. That would have made the cover more attractive, exciting and delicious.

The list also includes:

Salma Hayek - YES! But it really should have been "Salma Hayek's Chichis!"
Sarah Silverman - Yeah, why not?
Christina Applegate - Um...sure!
Eva LongWHORIA & Tony Parker - Blech! More like the world's fakest bitches!
The Gossip Girl Cast - The cast of the "Golden Girls" would have been better
Julianne Moore - DUH!
Jason Taylor - Fuck yes! This dude can piss in my ear anytime.
Vanessa Hudgens - Slut!
Miley Cyrus - Slut!
MiserAlba & Cash Warren - See my notes for Tony & Eva

Where the hell is La Paquena, Phoebe Price, Shauna Sand, Carrot Top, Pete Doherty and Wino?! This list is shit!

Rumer, Rumer, Rumer.... Tater Head is really starting to grow on me like a wonky potato eye. She's so fucking endearing!

Rumer reminds me of this one time in junior high school when this dumb, popular bitch asked me to the Winter Formal. I felt so wanted and popular! I said yes and as soon as the words came out of my mouth, she started laughing right at my face! She ran to her friends and the rest of the day was spent pointing and laughing at me. Okay, it was really last week. It wasn't junior high school. It was the gay bar. It wasn't a girl. It was a fat queen.

Anyway! That memory makes me think of Rumer. Fuck those bitches, Rumer! Put on your busted wig, Demi's hand-me-down gown and work it out. Yes, you will always look like Jay Leno dressed as Demi Moore for Halloween, but who gives a fuck!

Here's Tater Head with some hot dude at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of "From Within."

Rumer Willis, Pete Wentz, Wilmer Valderrama and a bunch of other hags are whoring themselves out for Walmart. They are starring in an ad campaign for Op which will be sold exclusively in Walmart stores.

Yes, Op! I had at least a dozen of their velcro wallets. They seriously should be buried along with Camp Beverly Hills and Hypercolor. I lie. Hypercolor needs to make a comeback. I really need a pair of Hypercolor panties.

Tater Head talked about Op, “When you think of LA and the classic surfer beach vibe, you think of Op. The Op collection does a great job representing that lifestyle.” And Rumer does a great job of representing a huge, baked potato.

Tater Head and Pete Wentz are definitely long lost sisters. They have matching flat-ironed hair!

Tater Head is really starting to make me feel sorry for her. She desperately wants us all to think she's sexy, relevant, hot and interesting. The girl is trying so hard. Even if she wore a t-shirt with "LOVE ME" written in rhinestones, we still wouldn't buy what she's selling. It's okay Tater Head, I loves you and think you're a sexy piece. I crossed my eyes, toes and ass lips while I writing that, but don't tell her.

Here's some pics of the other alley cats at UsWeekly's Hot Hollywood part last night. Visit UsWeekly for more pictures if you give an eff.