Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton's dealer should slip a Comfort Wipe into her stocking this Christmas, because it sounds like the slag could use some help. The Daily Mail says that the government check version of HoHan (that says everything right there) was kicked out of the bathrooms at Whisky Mist nightclub in London after she tried to bring a friend into the stall with her. The bathroom attendant immediately put a stop to the snortery. One source said, "Mischa looked really pissed off and embarrassed but her friend was fine about it."

Mischa didn't let that ruin her fun and she just shuffled into another stall, but her troubles didn't stop there. Mischa was taking too long, so that pesky bathroom attendant shouted at her to cut it short! The same source added, "At one point the toilet attendant had to knock on her door twice to ask if she was alright. Then her mate was knocking to check she was feeling okay. When she came out of the cubicle, she was complaining about people knocking on the door. She looked slightly worse for wear as she attempted to apply her make-up."

It's hard enough taking a piss in a public bathroom, but it's even worse with a toilet whore staring at you while tapping their foot (Larry Craig probably loves that shit). You feel like they are timing your ass and judging your pee pee skills if they don't hear tinkling. Poor Mischa probably ended up with a bunch of sugar in her eye, because she couldn't keep the spoon still due to dumb whores knocking on her door! The Comfort Wipe really needs to come out with a version for cokeyheads.

That puppy's eyes are broadcasting to anyone who will listen: "This hag is either going to eat me or trade me in for a speedball. Save. Me." And that puppeh has every reason to be afraid. I mean, what crack house toilet did Mischa Barton crawl out of? I'm all for the 4-day-old eye make-up look, but Mischa is not wearing it well. The world already has one Courtney Love.

Here's the girl from The Sixth Sense terrorizing puppies at the opening of Harrods' summer sale in London yesterday.

I realize David Walliams is a mega manskank who sniffs at any coochie that wiggles, but Mischa Barton?! Mischa Barton?! Bitch looks like she would give a rat a handjob if it was carrying some of the bad shit. What's even more embarrassing is that David apparently got SHUT DOWN by Mischa. The Mirror says that at a party in London the other night, David was wagging his tail at Mischa, but she was not falling for the bait. A source-type said, "David was surrounded by women and chatted up six of them. Mischa was one of his earliest targets but he didn't get very far. She kept staring at her phone, almost willing it to ring so she could escape. In the end she had to tell him she had a boyfriend. David took it in good spirits and escorted her from the party."

Getting turned down by Mischa "I fuck for roles" Barton has to be the most embarrassing thing to have ever happened to David Walliams. This is a sign! A sign that he needs to stick his wang in a bowl of ice and then put it in the corner indefinitely. It is not doing him right!

Because that shit on Mischa Barton's feet looks like the fake hidden immunity idol Taj made a few episodes back! Throw it into the fire, Jeff! Speaking of Survivor, Mischa looks like she's been on exile island for a few weeks. That's the face of a ho who has been nibbling on sand and drinking swamp water on a regular basis.

Here's more of Mischa and her tiki shoes at an event for Herbal Essence in Milan today. That's kind of ironic, because bitch needs to start putting some herbal essence in her pipe instead of that meth shit.

Mischa Barton has FINALLY launched her eagerly-awaited (NOT) line of headbands. Yes, because there are zillions of dumb whores who want to throw away $200 on a piece of shit that you can make yourself using scraps from your memaw's craft box. But don't even bother. Wearing a piece of paper that says "I am a foolio" is cheaper and gets the message across clearer.

Mischa's cacabands cost anywhere from 90 clams to 200 clams and are sold at some joint called Stacey Lapidus. If you even think of buying one of these, I swear. I'll.... I'll.... curse your name and never masturbate to you again. There is only one celebrity headband line allowed and that one belongs to international supermodel and silver screen star Phoebe Price! Of course, Phoebe had her line first. Mischa is a copy cat bitch! Phoebe even had her cellulite photos on a tabloid first and then Mischa had to go and copy her with that too! Mischa is a devil woman.

Mischa's headbands won't do anything but make you look like your head is too fucking fat, so you need a belt to hold it up. That doesn't really make sense, but I never do, so just go with it. Phoebe's headbands will do so much more for you!

Only after wearing them for a few minutes, you will get the sudden urge to pose on the street for absolutely no reason. Before you know it, paparazzi or creepy old men will start taking pictures of you and turn you into an overnight supermodel sensation just like Phoebe. Her headbands have that power! They might also cause you to rub raw chicken cutlets all over your face, but that's a small side-effect you can kind of live with.

VIA WWD

Mischa Barton and Nicole Richie both have a line of headbands out and Mischa's got her cellulite in a twist, because she wants Nicole to step off her idea. Some bitch told Star Magazine (via Popcrunch), “Mischa is furious. She feels like Nicole completely copied her idea.”

I'm furious at both of these fugly ass slugs for trying to compete with the world's only premiere headband designer! Look at this hot slut below! How can you compete with this? Mischa and Nicole both need to take their headbands, shove it up their asses and leave headband designing to the real artist!

If Pocahontas was alive today, she would get on her knees and pay homage to headband design genius Phoebe Price!

Images: Wenn, Wireimage

No, Mischa Barton is not wearing a headband designed by the one and only international supermodel Phoebe Price. Strike one. She's wearing a headband she designed herself. STRIKE INFINITY! Didn't Mischa get the memo that there could only be one mega celebrity (ha) headband designer and that spot has already been filled by Chicken Cutlets!

Out of all the things there are to design, she chooses headbands?! That is a major slap to PP's cutlets! Hmmm...slapped cutlets. I think I'm having chicken paillard for dinner.

Anypoultry, couldn't Mischa design cellulite jewels or saggy titty pasties? Anything but headbands!

AND! She even used a Sharpie on the wrong part of her face. You use the Sharpie on your eyebrows, not around your eyes! I swear. Mischa needs to go take a nap. She might as well. She's already wearing a nightgown.

Here's Mischa and her craft project headband at the Gift of Life Charity Ball in London last night.

Nicole Richie apparently packed up her happy little shit, grabbed Sad Clown Baby and moved out of the house she shared with Joel Madden after a some stupid fight. Nicole didn't exactly move out, because she came back the next day. A source told Star Magazine: "This was her way of sending Joel a message."

HA! We've all done that shit. One time, I had a huge fight with my live-in-boyfriend at the time and I threatened to move out. I knew I had nowhere to go, so I just went around the place packing up all my shit. While stuffing boxes with my crap, I would shout at him, "Fuck this shit! I'm over this. I'm leaving for good this time. You hear me? I said I'm leaving." He didn't stop me, so I kept at it. I even went to the kitchen and started packing up dishes. "These fucking dishes are mine! There's no way I'm going to let your whores eat off the dishes I paid for. I'm through with this shit. I'm LEAVING. L-E-A-V-I-N-G. I'm not coming back! Did you get that?!" At that point I started to panic, because I really didn't want to have to spend the night in the shelter. I finally said, "You know what! Fuck this. You leave!" He was probably embarrassed for me, because he apologized and asked me to stay. I responded, "I'll fucking think about it! Let me sleep on it and I'll tell you in the morning!" Ain't love grand?

Back to Nicole! The fighting didn't end after Nicole's walkout. A few days later the two traveled to NYC for fashion week and fought the whole time. After fighting at some party, Joel ditched Nicole and went back to L.A. At a VMA party, Joel started flirting with Mischa Barton. Wonky McValtrex, who was also the party, took pictures of Joel and Mischa dancing and texted them to Nicole. Nicole immediately accused Joel of cheating on her with the cellulite wonder and now they are sleeping in separate rooms.

Hmmm....I feel for Nicole and I would shed a tear for her, but I'm too busy not giving a fuck. That's what she gets for shacking up with a member of Good Charlotte.

Sominex's couple of the day alert! Mischa Barton and Josh Hartnett left Bungalow 8 in London last night and headed straight for his hotel. Hopefully, Mischa's stupid ass skipped the hotel library and went directly to his room. It might have been what I like to call an "Easy Pass lay," because The Daily Mail reports that Mischa was seen leaving his hotel one hour later.

I knew it! Josh looks like one of those types that barfs before reaching the toilet. You know the types. Orgasm robbers. They make everything so akward. They stand there, holding their weepy junk, apologizing for cumming before you even get started. You really want to curse them the fuck out and hit them with a phone or somethin. As they clean their sorry asses up in the bathroom, you piss in their shoes as punishment. No, I'm not speaking from experience. Yes, I'm lying.

Anyway, Mischa and Josh make sense to me. It was probably just one night of non-passion, but they work as a couple. They both have the personality of a wet piece of Styrofoam.

I didn't know Mischa Barton was the new face for Tyrone panties! I don't even know what Tyrone panties is!

A loverly reader named Zaira was doing her weekly grocery shopping at the 99 Cent Store (I'm joking!) when she came upon Mischa's newest ad campaign. Here's what Zaira wrote:

On my way to work I pass a 99 cents store every day, and I go in often because I’m ghetto and will buy bootleg Windex and brooms. So I’m going through the aisle and I see that this store sells everything, the kitchen sink, your moms, and panties. Below is the picture of the panties they are selling. I’m pretty sure Mischa Barton doesn’t want you to know she’s hawking 99 cent store panties.

Hey, at least they were nice enough to airbrush her cotty cheese. You know Mischa agreed to shit. She did it in exchange for a half-smoked joint.

And yes, it's a slow day.