John Mayer

All of John Mayer's upcoming performances and the release date for his new album have been pushed back thanks to a growth that is clinging near his vocal cords and makes him feel like tiny Jessica Simpsons in spiked heels are tap dancing out the invisible words "sexual napalm" on his throat when he tries to sing. This is just too too toooooo easy (kind of like John Mayer's dickkk), so I'll just let you read what he wrote on his Tumblr (via Vulture) about the gonor-, I mean the granuloma that won't let him yodel.

Hi everyone,

After several months of going week to week monitoring and hoping to correct the condition, I am forced to cancel my upcoming singing engagements due to something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma.

I’m bummed to have to bow out of both the iheartradio Music Festival in Las Vegas and an appearance with Tony Bennett in Los Angeles. I know there were people depending on me to be there and I’m sorry that I can’t be on those stages.

‘Born and Raised’ is complete as far as music recording, song selection, and in some cases mixing, but because of this condition I couldn’t finish singing on several of the tracks. This means the record will be released next year instead of this fall or winter.

This is a temporary setback, though I’m not sure how long or short a period of time it will be. I’ve got the best doctors in the country looking after me and I will be singing and touring again as soon as I get the all clear. Until then I’ll be spending time writing and composing more music and kicking an empty soup can around the West Village.

I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon. Until then take good care.

John

Well, at least now John has more time to devote to perfecting his bottom of the barrel Johnny Depp impersonation. You need more white pressed powder, John!

John Mayer was out at a bar on the Upper East Side in NYC recently when some girl sashayed up to him to get her vagina cleaned off with his doucheified words of wisdom. You can always count on John for that. Page Six says that after John and the girl chatted a bit, he gave her the key to a long-lasting happy relationship:

"He said that she was going to make someone very happy one day, as long as she remembered to talk dirty while having sex," the source said. The girl walked away speechless.

Dirty like "I want your David Duke dick to set the cross in my crotch on fire..."? Yes, that's the secret! But importantly, is it just me or does John Mayer's mouth look like an inhaling anus in that picture?

Here's John Mayer struttin' that ass while leaving Pee-wee Herman on Broadway last night dressed like a late-in-life lesbian who only shops in the boys department at Walmart.

Nevermind that John has a slightly surprised look on his face like he can't believe Miss Yvonne turned down his offer to mekka her hiney, I never knew that John had hair as luxurious as a Cocker Spaniel's ass bush. Forget the whole "being the biggest douche who ever douched" thing, bitch should be a Breck girl.

Below is a problem Professor CDAN added to the FATs (Fuckery Aptitude Test) in November of last year:

Spectacular is the one word to describe today's blind. This A list female celebrity chef was overheard in a restaurant the other day. Nothing unusual about that right? I mean people are nosy and we strain our ears. Well, it turns out this celebrity chef who is married was discussing an affair she recently had with this B list male singer with A list name recognition and reputation. She wasn't shy about discussing the details either. I mean explicit, graphic details about what the two did to each other. Nothing out of the ordinary, but definitely not shy in recounting every last act. It does appear to have been a one time thing, but this is totally not what you expect from our chef and the image she tries to portray to the public.

If you glance over to cheat off of Star Magazine, you will find their asses writing John Mayer and Giada De Laurentiis' names in the answer box with complete confidence. In this week's issue, Star claims that John and Giada are cooking up a crotch pot full of stewed tomatoes and douche broth. Giada has been married for 7 years to Todd Thompson (a designer for Anthropologie) and they have a 2-year-old daughter, but Star's sources say this didn't stop her ass from "canoodling" (yes, that word is back from the grave) with John at The Standard Hotel's Boom Boom Room. This is what the source saw, “John had one hand on the small of her back. They looked like two people who were going to go home together.”

A different source says that later that night, the real-life image of John and Giada going into a suite together at the Hotel Gansevoort glazed over their eyes. When Star asked Giada about this, she admitted she was at The Standard that night, but says she didn't even run into John. And she went on to deny that he's down low dicking her, “I’ve met him and he’s a great guy, but I just like his music. That’s all.”

One of the rules of the John Mayer Fuck Club is that you never ever talk about the John Mayer Fuck Club. If you don't admit it, it didn't happen and your friends and doctor will not slap you in the face for it. So maybe Giada is following this rule, but I doubt it. I'm going to choose to not believe this. Maybe the sources were mixing their meds again and ID'ed the wrong Food Network Star. Is the source sure they didn't hear someone screaming "COCKINMYTAIL TIME!" from behind the suite's closed doors?

To some, the thought of Kim Kardashian making John Mayer scream for 911 while 69ng doesn't make much sense since his David Duke dick directly goes against everything she truly believes in (example: delicious black peen). But lay a thought on that for a second. This makes so much sense, because Kim would fuck a wombat if it got her a blurb in Life & Style and John Mayer would fuck a wombat just because. No offense to wombats.

The wombats need to blame it on Page Six, because they are the ones starting this. A source tells them that Kim and John recently went out on a group date together while she's in the city shooting her show, "They brought along other friends, but the idea was to see if they would hit it off." No word yet if they "hit it off" or not since reps for the both of them had nothing to say about this shit.

By the time I hit publish on this post, Kim probably already rinsed John's douche dingles out of her mouth and has already moved on to the next piece. Kris Jenner will not let it go beyond that. Once Kris checks John's credit and adds up all his assets, she'll find that he doesn't make nearly enough to keep the entire Kardashian family as plastic as his favorite butt plug. NO GO

When 19-year-old Taylor Swift and 33-year-old John Mayer worked on a song together last year, there were rumors that he gently slapped her cherry pie with his douche bottle peen. They never confirmed or denied that mess until now (sort of). Popeater says the junior champion squinter has a song on her album called "Dear John" (aka THIS SONG IS ABOUT JOHN MAYER. THAT'S WHY I CALLED IT DEAR JOHN. THE JOHN IS JOHN MAYER!!!), and the lyrics of the country fair mess make it sound like John Mayer snatched her snatch and then didn't call her the next day. Here's a piece of the song:

"Dear John
I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should've known.

It was wrong
Don't you think nineteen's too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so.

My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
You'll add my name to your long list of traitors
Who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret
I ignored what they said 'Run as fast as you can."

Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, knows that John Mayer is the type of assbag to whisper sweet pretties into your ear to get into those chonies and then he'll cross the street when he sees you walking down the sidewalk the next day. Taylor needed to stick two tooth picks under her eye lids so she could see this shit! And lord, her lyrics always make me feel like I'm a 16-year-old country white girl who has stolen her daddy's pick-up truck in the middle of the night to meet the boy next door down by the river for a little heavy petting.

Anyways, Taylor shouldn't have wasted her time writing a song about John. Instead of writing her own DEAR JOHN song, she should've just sang a cover of the this:

Now that is a Dear John song done right.

John Mayer's David Duke dick has been quiet for a while, but now it has risen from the ashes left by Sexual Napalm and is shaking its rage at the Huffington Post for posting some shit about its reunion with Jennifer Aniston's vagina instead of important news!

It all started when HuffPo ran some story earlier today about how John and Jen might be back together, because of some crap he said at one of his shows. Anytime anybody writes anything about John Mayer on the internet a special vibration goes off on his cock ring letting him know to check his Google Alerts immediately. After John read HuffPo's piece, he queefed out a response on his Tumblr that is filled with his usual brand of hilarious doucheatry and a few phrases that pay:

Ahh, Huffington Post, the internet Death Star. The world’s first spectator banking website. Come watch a site’s intelligence move in and out like bellows of accordion depending on whether or not there’s ad dollars to be sucked out of any willing orifice.

From their front page item “BACK TOGETHER?”:

Are John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston back on? Mayer seemed to indicate they might be when he spoke in front of a crowd of 18,000 at his concert on Sunday at the Hollywood Bowl in LA.

“I believe in second chances!” he said. “You might have been a pain in the ass the last time around, but you can still start over again from home base. Next time you get a text from the one you love just text back ‘come over’ - no matter what happened in the past. If you really love someone, just tell them and be with them.”

Huffington Post, this is reporting? How do you pay your writers now, in Silly Bandz? Do you meet your sources in a malt shoppe? This is equal parts fabricated, cobbled together and misleading. Let’s break it down: I don’t think I ever said “I believe in second chances!” but I can’t be 100 percent sure, as it’s possible I could have accidentally said something succinctly and to the point. The next sentence is from the song “Half of My Heart,” in reference to the idea that meeting new people allows for hiding old mistakes. (Well, for most people at least.) The sentence about texting comes from the show’s encore, “Edge of Desire,” in a moment of giving people permission not to beat themselves down for still wanting someone. Two sentences about different things at different points in a concert.

The reason I’m calling you out instead of all the other magazines that make stories up out of thin air is that In Touch and Star Magazine aren’t concurrently writing pieces about Pat Tillman or WikiLeaks. Those other rags know who they are, and even if they’re obnoxious, I’d rather have to live with them because they (and the rest of the world) know where they stand, which doesn’t make them one tenth as dangerous as you are. You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses. Or maybe you’re an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars. Either way, it’s uncomfortable to watch you try to wrap yourself around a pole when you have that C-Span scar.

I’m not a politician. I have no celebrity endorsements. So it is with a clear conscience that I’m able to title your piece on this post, should you decide to try make a few more bucks for whatever body wash or slasher flick you’re hocking today.

JOHN MAYER SLAMS HUFFPO: ” GO F**K YOURSELF!”

Damn. John Mayer is going raw (smells like open sores and melting Summer's Eve bottles). I have a feeling that there's something else behind this, because dude is taking shit way too seriously. Maybe a farsighted stripper with a scar in the shape of the C-Span logo once refused to give John a hand job in a club and he's never gotten over it? So he's throwing up his hurt all over HuffPo. Yeah, that must be it.

P.S. - Bitch said SILLY BANDZ!

At the CMT Music Awards in Nashville last night, John Mayer and The Situation competed in some kind of douche-off by lifting up their shirts. The Situation does get extra points for having a belly button that looks like a dehydrated no-no hole, but John Mayer easily wins this shit.

Not only is John pushing his shit out on purpose, but his peen hole is also blowing out hot air to make his bulge area look bulgier. Well douched! And I bet there wasn't a dirty vagina in the place.

Coochella (on purpose typo) Music Festival started up yesterday, which means dozens of famewhores descended upon Indio, CA to drink the sweet nectar out of plastic cups and add to their sand crab collection (see Wonky). John Mayer also momentarily left his Summer's Eve box to go to Coochella, and here he is giving the sex eye to a goddess (You're getting Ricki Lake in Hairspray vibes, right?) who is light years away from his league.

John's David Duke penis needs to go to a Klan rally or something, and leave this fine young thing alone if he knows what's good for him. Fuck Sexual Napalm. Bitch could make John's dick go boom just by licking her lips. John probably already has the Chernobyl of crotches, but this woman will leave him completely destroyed. It's best he back away and play with girls his own speed.

Anways, here's more hos frolicking on the grounds of Coochella including: Kelly Osbourne, Basement Baby, Katy Perry, Scott Speedman, Rotten Peaches with Eli Roth, Wonks, and DANNY DEVITO (I'm not trying to see his CROCS)!!!!

If John Mayer thinks that Jessica Simpson is sexual napalm, then he has obviously never tried to tame Courtney Love's nuclear snatch. Because according to the Renaissance Faire reject, not even Jeremy Renner in his Hurt Locker bomb suit can diffuse Court's cooch.

Crazy Courtney just got around to reading John Mayer's Playboy interview and she ranted all about it on Twitter the other day. Courtney has come to the conclusion that she wants to hate fuck John Mayer and punch him in the face.

This is kind of funny, because anybody who has sex with Courtney and/or John immediately punches themselves in the face afterwards. If Court and John ever get nekkid together, there's going to be a whole lot of fucking, punching, and vomiting going on. Fight Club: THE HORROR MOVIE!

Court also said that John's dickkk is really no match for her vagina since she regularly does her Kegals (aka vaginarobics).

Here's some of Court's Tweets about John. They might make sense to you if you....No, fuck it. They won't make sense to you no matter what. Before you go in, you should know that the safe word is "RIBBIT."

do you ever feel like spite hate fucking @johncmayer just to put hi in his place, hes a better guitarist than me but not better in bed !
5:49 PM Feb 23rd via web

but like say your fucking @johncmayer totally throwing him around the room in bits and then you just BAM punch him in the face? good times
5:58 PM Feb 23rd via web

ive said far stupider shit than @johncmayer about my alist bfs tho ive been discreet. but about rockers i spill the beans.
6:00 PM Feb 23rd via web

oh dudes Mayers a little bland for me and youngish ill do young, but hes neither Yale Harvard Oxford and hes not really rock, so not for me
6:02 PM Feb 23rd via web

hate fucking is an art like "the pit" meaning you rape each other and then beat the shit our of each other so u can feel shit.
6:04 PM Feb 23rd via web

my genealogist and my gynocplogist know i do my Kegals like a snatch the cig off the table thai sex worker.
6:08 PM Feb 23rd via web

RIIIIIIBIT!