John Mayer

As John Mayer left the gym in NYC yesterday, he talked to his best friends, the paparazzi, about his break-up with Jennifer Aniston. He said, "There's no lying, there's no cheating, there's no nothing. Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met."

He went on to say, "But she tied me to the bed with mink handcuffs, put on sexy lingerie and kept calling me her 'mormon husband.'" Okay, he didn't say that last part, but Jennifer Aniston is totally the next Bernann McKinney. She's going to try and clone Brad Pitt using the hair she cut from his head every night as he slept. Believe it.

When asked what went wrong with their fairytale romance, he answered, "Well, I figured out I was dating Jennifer Aniston." No, he said, "People are different, people have different chemistry. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right." Translation: "She poked holes in the condoms to try and get pregnant and I'm a man whore who can't control his 'Dominican penis.'"

Here's Mayer with his brother in NYC last night. I know he's related to John Mayer, because I can see the douche in his eyes. That shit is genetic.

For the past couple of days, John Mayer has been covering up his douche mug from the paparazzi in NYC. John is usually so fucking chatty with those bitches.

His eyes are probably red shot from all the crying he's been doing. I mean, he's just lost the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world. Or maybe he has herpes in the eyes (NSFL). Yeah, it's probably the latter.

Here's John looking like a Batman fangirl today, and looking like Jacko yesterday. He should keep the "Jacko-look." He's never looked sexier.

Well, they were right. That's if you believe the Daily Mirror. Some ho told them that John Mayer has du-du-dumped Jennifer Aniston because he's not ready to give up his man whore ways. The two apparently tried to make it work by going on a little relationship hiatus. That didn't work, so they called it a day.

The source said, "John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn't ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Contrary to reports, Jen didn't want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. Initially Jennifer was furious when he told her of his decision but now she's simply sad - not to mention a little heartbroken." Not to mention that he should probably keep his car in the garage for a while. And all his pet bunny rabbits indoors. You know, just in case.

Oh well, it's back to the old maid drawing board for Jenny! The NYDN reports that she's not spending her days cutting out John's face from pictures while screaming the lyrics to "Your Body is a Wonderland." She's apparently already dating someone else. You know, Jenny needs to take a breather and get to know herself. Don't go the Kate Hudson route of flapping her vagina all over town.

Jenny has been to Mayer and Vince Vaughn and anywhere she could run......she's beeeeeen to PITTadise, but she's never been to her. Oh God. I'm sorry for that. That song has been stuck in my head for the past 5 days ever since I watched Priscilla again on TV. I just had to let it out!

Poor Emo Baby already has two dirty tampons for parents, a major vagina for a pepaw, a raggedy dildo for an auntie, and now she's going to have a major douche for a godfather. Homegirl is screwed. Get the emancipation papers ready.

Some nosy skank told The Sun that Pete Wentz will ask John Mayer to be Emo Baby's godfather. Asshole Simpson agrees because the bitch can't think for herself.

The source said, "Pete and John have been spending a lot of time together lately and they get on so well. They are firm friends. John gets a bad rap and is always portrayed as a bad boy but he's got a heart of gold. Pete and Ashlee know that and they think he would make a great godparent. But they are holding back asking him at the moment because they are not sure how Ashlee's sister Jessica would feel about her ex having such a strong link to her new niece."

How Jessica is going to feel? Papa Joe will never let this happen. He already has his own ideas of who the godparents should be. He's going to sell the exlusive rights to some corporation. So don't be surprised if it's announced that Manic Panic and Hot Topic are Emo Baby's godparents.

Here's Emo Baby's godfather leaving the gym yesterday. He would be kind of hot if it wasn't for that fugly rose on his shoulder. The last thing I want to see when I'm riding is the pony is a big, fat rose. Roses make me think of Rose Nylund which makes me think of Betty White. You do not want to be thinking about Betty White when you're getting it in the prune hole.

During a show in Mountain View, CA, last night, John Mayer told the audience about a dream he had. In his dream, he made out with a chick who wasn't his girlfriend. A bitch who was at his show told E!, "He was talking about 'dream cheating. He apparently made out with some chick in his dreams. He had to do his penance to his girlfriend by singing 'Dreaming with a Broken Heart.'"

Jennifer Aniston probably flipped her chin when she found out about his dream. She cornered him and screamed, "You cheater! How dare you!?" John had to explain to her it was only a dream. She didn't care, "I thought you were different. But you're not! Who was the tramp?! WHO?! Let me fucking guess. Her first name stars with an A and ends with an N." John responded, "You mean ends with an A?" That's when Jenny made him shave off all his hair off. She used it to make a potion to ward off the cheating spirits.

Here's John making "diarrhea faces" while playing Irvine, CA the other night. I miss his 80s mop.

It could also be the face he makes while he's cleaning out his foreskin. You know that shit is like a three-cheese pizza with extra crust. If Johnny Mayer makes those faces while he's playing, imagine the faces he makes during fuckey fuckey times? A bitch making seizure frowns while banging into you is not sexy.

John Mayer performed at Glastonbury today, but Jenny Aniston did not watch him from the wings like a crazed stalker. She was at Heathrow this morning, on her way back to the US. OMG! They totally broke up! No...Jenny has things to get back to and by "things" I mean her Angelina voodoo shrine needs dusting.

Jenny did join John yesterday at the Hard Rock Calling festival in London. The night before, she watched John perform at London's Brixton Academy. If she can stand through two of his boring-as-fuck performances, then it must be love.

Here's Johnny at Glastonbury and Jenny arriving at Heathrow today.

John Mayer was dating Minka Kelly before he met the love of this month his life, Jennifer Aniston. Page Six reports that John called up Minka to let her know what was coming. A source said, "Minka received a call from John prior to the story breaking about his relationship with Jennifer. He apologized to Minka, 'Sorry, but I'm really in love.' " She found that interesting as, "during his relationship with her, John mentioned, 'I don't really get this Jennifer Aniston thing.'"

That John is such and honest and caring tool. If this Aniston thing doesn't work out, he would be a prime candidate for eHarmony. Wait, that's probably where he met Aniston.

And he's in love with Aniston?! Probably because she's the only chick that didn't vomit when she saw his abnormally shaped dick and urethra. You know he has one of those. (NSFL warning) Click here (Seriously, don't click) to see it.

Here's John outside of his hotel in Manchester, England today posing for pictures with his fans.

Jenny Aniston is currently in London waiting for her soon-to-be stalking victim, John Mayer, to join her from Denmark. John is getting ready to start his UK tour with Jenny joining his entourage. You know bitch is just there to make sure Mayer keeps his "Dominican penis" in his pants! John probably doesn't even know she's there. He's going to be shocked when he realizes that the crazy woman in the front row, throwing her bra at him and screaming "Why won't you fucking marry me asshole?" is actually Jenny Aniston.

Here's Jenny leaving LAX to stalk John in London. Notice the Smart Water? Product placement!

Johnny and Jenny attended some humanitarian event at STK in Los Angeles last night with Courtney Cox and her husband. I forget his name. This was one of John and Jenny's first public events together. A source told UsWeekly that the two were "canoodling" throughout the night. The source said, "they had their arms around each other. She was rubbing his back and whispering into his ear. They were touching each other non-stop all night." And then everyone barfed, Hazmat was called and it was just a big disaster.

I mean, I know Johnny does it good (or so it has been claimed) but damn! People were eating! That keep shit to yourself! Get a private room, closet or gutter!

You know, they sort of make a cute couple. Sort of....... It's only going to end with Jenny cutting up his favorite shirts with a kitchen knife while Alanis' first album plays in the background.

This isn't the first time that we've heard that John Mayer will have your coochie screaming "mercy!!" It's already been rumored that his dick is major and that he knows how to fuck. A "friend" of John's backed up these claims to OK! Magazine.

The "friend" said, "John is good in bed. Not just good, but sensational. Every girl I know who has slept with John says it was the best sex of their life. I'm not sure what exactly he does in bed, but after girls sleep with him, they're ruined. They get totally hung up on him and want more! Whatever John's secret is, he should market it. He could retire from the music industry."

Hmmmm...I know which "friend" said this. Rachel Green! We get it, Jen. You're fucking John Mayer and the sex is fantastic. Good for you. Give yourself a hug. You don't have to remind us anymore, so you can go back to sticking pins in your Angie Jolie voodoo doll.

Not only is Douche Mayer a master at sexy times, he's also a comedian! He left a pharmacy with the words "experimental human growth hormones" written on his bag. Oh John, save it for the sack.