Demi Moore

This is totally not what it looks like. I know it looks like Demi Moore has found the trap door at the bottom of a barrel by trolling back alleys, looking for Sharpie dealers to sell her a quick sniff. (If whippits are the cocaine of inhalers, then Sharpies are the crack of inhalers.) That's not what is going on here. Demi is simply visiting with her career. No, Demi went to the GEMS Girls Like Us Benefit Gala in NYC last night and she wasn't in the mood to pop a fake smile on the red carpet, so she used the side door. Before she went in, Demi had to close her eyes and take a moment, because smelling all that trash reminded her of all the times she'd sniff Ashton Kutcher's rancid dick bush while giving him a beej. Oh, the beautiful memories.

This week's cover of People Magazine is supposed to make you feel sorry for Demi, because apparently she's all sad in the heart from watching Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis suck on each other's tongues in public. But Demi doesn't look miserable at all. Bitch is looking good and hanging out near the dumpsters with Mr. Miyagi (I'm half Japanese, so only half of me is racist for typing that). Ashton can slather that on Mila's crotch and eat it. Yes, it's true that halfway during the event, Demi spotted a tampon vending machine in the ladies bathroom and grabbed onto it while screaming, "ASHTON, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! WHY?!!!", but she got over it as soon as her publicist gave her a Sharpie to sniff.

You know that sick, insecure feeling you get when you roll up to your piece's job (or drive thru, whatever) and get a look at their hotter than you coworker? And there they are, doing teamwork shit and laughing, and being way too close to each other you're trying to wish that bitch away like the kid in Creepshow? And then you break up later and he starts humping on said piece, or maybe they'd been boning in the walk in cooler all along? Well US says that Demi Moore is just like us, except with a lot more money and a lot less sense.

An insider named Demi tells US Magazine that Demi has the sads that her almost ex Ashton Kutcher and his old 70's Show castmate Mila Kunis are doing it. DUH. I'd like to throw some shade, but I kind of feel sorry for her ass. It has to suck to work so hard tweeting bikini pics of yourself, getting fillers, doing chicken dances and all that only to have to hand your hubby over to THAT SHADY WORK BITCH in the end. I just hope she can put it in perspective, realize that this is fucking KELSO we're talking about and just be glad that Mila took that stank trash to the curb for her.

Demi needs to throw on her best fuck me pumps, down a couple of Red Bulls, huff a can of whipped cream and get her sad ass back on the stroll. As all old hoes know, the best way to get over a piece is to get under a new one.

On the left is walking bronzer dildo Kim Kardashian staying alive by sucking in the camera flashes in NYC last night, and on the right is a pre-Whippit-huffing Demi Moore wearing one of the most important dresses of the 90s in Indecent Proposal. (Side Note: You know when Demi goes into that fancy hotel boutique and puts the dress up to her body in the mirror? The producers, screenwriter and director all messed up by not bringing Marie, Snobby Salesperson #2 from Pretty Woman, out to have her say her signature line to Demi. That was a big mistake, HUGE!)

Both Demi in Indecent Proposal and Kim are paid whores, but one of them made $1 million (only to have it wasted away by her dumb ass husband) for humping on Robert Redford on a yacht and the other one has made $100 million from humping on Ray J's travel pillow dick on a queen-sized hotel bed. Kim might have the money, but Demi won the whore battle by fucking Robert Redford.

As for who wins the dress battle, the answer is: NEITHER OF THEM! The real answer is: Every girl at my junior high school dance who wore a knock-off version of this dress which she bought at Windsor Fashions. You truly didn't experience a school dance in the 90s if you didn't watch dozens of girls in the Indecent Proposal dress run to the dance floor when the DJ (aka the guidance counselor with a stack of CDs) played "No Ordinary Love."

There's been rumors that Demi Moore is weepy in the heart over the Tater Sisters trying to eject her from their lives and that she's even weepier in the vagina over Ashton Kutcher moving on to Mila Kunis. But Life & Style says that if Demi is crying cold tears of NOBODY LOVES ME, then she's drying those tears on some Kiwi peen. They say that Demi has traded in sucking on whip-its for sucking on Martin Henderson, an actor type who was in The Ring, Off The Map, Brit Brit's Toxic video and is now in Demi. Sorry :/

Last week, 49-year-old Demi and 37-year-old Martin took a quick vacation to New Preston, Connecticut and a paparazzo just so happened to check his phone when her publicist texted him the exact address of where to go to get a pic of the cougar and her new piece. So the pap showed up and took pictures of Demi and Martin walking into Nine Main Bakery, where they laughed, threw sex eyes at each other and laughed some more before she did this:

"She was in line and a Colbie Caillat song came on -- she started singing along and dancing in a playful, flirty way."

Colbie Caillat?! I refuse to believe that a dick can be so good that it's got you dancing to everything and anything including a damn Colbie Caillat song. There's a reason the phrase "Dick so good it's got me dancing to a Colbie Caillat song!" doesn't exist. This is just Demi thinking she's still a 19-year-old girl dancing in her bedroom while wearing pink cotton panties. But on to more important things...

I really can not with that popped collar. It's very Punk'd days Ashton Kutcher. It wasn't acceptable then and it's not acceptable now. I just hope that Martin's collar is popped into the douche position, because his style is stuck in 2004 and not because Demi is trying to Ashtonize him. If the latter is the case, Demi needs to go back to rehab for her chronic douche addiction.

Ever since Demi Moore got out of a rehab after getting treated for an eating disorder and her addiction to 15-year-old skater boy drugs, there's been rumors that she's been in screaming match after screaming match with the Tater Sisters and that shit's got so serious that Rumer, Tallulah and Scout are thinking of legally keeping her away with a restraining order. How very Frances Bean of their asses.

A source tells Radar that it all started going downhill when the Tater Sisters suspected that Demi was back on the bad shit. Their heated fights led to the sisters getting hot in the head, which led to the room smelling like burnt french fries, which led to them cutting off all communication with Demi. Demi, who's filming Very Good Girls with Dakota Fanning and Elizabeth Olsen in NYC right now, keeps trying to call her daughters, but they want nothing to do with her. They're talking to their attorney and are thinking of shutting Demi up with a restraining order. The source puts it like this:

"Rumer, Scout and Tallulah are seriously considering taking out a restraining order against Demi to stop her from contacting them. They made it clear to her weeks ago that they do not want to talk to her right now but she is still trying to contact them.

Demi has been calling them incessantly and emailing them, leaving them tearful messages and begging them to call her and the girls are sick of it. It is a really drastic measure and not something they are considering lightly but they just feel like they want some peace and quiet. Demi is beside herself over the situation. She hasn't spoken to Scout, Rumer or Tallulah for weeks now, they won’t return any of her calls, emails or texts. The girls have cut off all contact with Demi, and she is absolutely devastated by it. She has returned to work and is trying to hold herself together, but this is a really tough time for Demi."

But some legal expert says that if restraining orders were that easy to get, all of our eyeballs would've taken restraining orders out on the Tater Sisters' faces a long time ago. Rumor, Scout and Tallulah have to prove that Demi has done more than just leave them a few messages.

If this is true, then Rumor, Scout and Tallulah are ice cold and nobody loves cold potatoes. The ghost of Patrick Swayze is going to use Whoopi Goldberg's body to slap up all three of them. What's even worse is that another source says this has a lot to do with Ashton Kutcher. Demi doesn't want her daughters to talk to Ashton since he did her wrong by doing everybody and getting caught. So Rumor, Scout and Tallulah are choosing a chewed-up, empty douche bottle over their own mom? A mom who was in the greatest piece of shit from 1996 titled Striptease? Fuck 'em. Demi should take out a restraining order against them, because that's some truly hurtful shit.

Radar said last week that the Willis Daughters were sprouting eyes of worry over their mom Demi Moore possibly falling off the wagon and spending her nights huffing spray paint fumes out of a paper bag in front of a 7-Eleven with a bunch of skater boys (or whatever kind of suburban teen bad shit Demi gets into nowadays). But even if Demi stumbles while climbing the steps to sobriety, at least she'll fall cougar pussy-first onto Joe ManJello's wolf dick. That's if you believe Heat Magazine (via The Daily Mail).

Some source type says that at the after-party for That's My Boy (or as everyone who sees that shit calls it, "Why didn't I just let a 45-year-old frat boy fart up my nostrils. It would've been a more pleasant experience.") earlier this month, 35-year-old Joe and 49-year-old Demi hung out together and had amazing chemistry, whatever the hell that means:

"They looked amazing together. Demi was getting a lot more attention than a lot of the younger girls in the room, and Joe was seen waiting for her before they went off and hung out together at the party. They had amazing chemistry.

Demi has finally got her groove back - and it's all thanks to meeting Joe. She's feeling confident again and, more importantly, sexy."

I'm guessing by "had amazing chemistry," the source means that Joe ManJello sat there feeling scared and uncomfortable while Demi Moore tried to seduce his peen with her piping hot "funky chicken having a seizure while butt birthing an egg" moves.

I know, that story sounds like a non-story and for my no-no's sake I hope it is. How can I fap to Joe ManJello knowing that he's licking the douche dust left by Ashton Kutcher off of Demi's cougar cooch? Okay, I still can, but I don't want to.

Scout Willis, the middle spawn of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, learned the hard way that the next time she wants a quick afternoon buzz, she should probably get into her mom's stash of whip-its and huff at home. Because while drinking a "Pakistani beer" (that is a highly important fact for this highly important story, obviously) in Manhattan's Union Square last night, a cop came up to her and asked for her ID. 20-year-old Scout gets the Dumb Bitch of the Day tag, because instead of chin-ing the officer in the nose before disappearing into the sewers, she handed over a fake ID belonging to someone named Katharine Kelly. It's sad that this Ore-Rida brand ho's parents never taught her to only use a fake ID to get into bars, buy cigarettes and to get a job in the porn industry. Don't give that shit to a cop!

The NYDN says that after Scout, who's a student Brown University, gave the cop a fake ID, he realized it wasn't her (I wonder why?) and questioned her ass. Scout then confessed to being 20-year-old Scout Willis and brought her real California ID out. The cop immediately arrested her ass and took her in. Scout was charged with criminal impersonation and breaking the open container law, and released a couple of hours later without bail. She'll have to answer to the charges in court on July 31st.

Arresting a 20-year-old sipping on a beer is stupid and a waste of time, and that cop's theme song is obviously "Cold As Ice." If he had a heart, he would've gone into the nearest liquor store, bought a jumbo size bottle of the strongest shit in there and handed it over to Scout, because if anybody needs a serious drink it's one of Bruce and Demi's daughters. That being said, the next time Scout tries to use a fake ID, she should make sure it belongs to a Moai.

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)

Demi Moore recovered from her Whip-Its overdose. Ashton Kutcher realized he made mistakes. They both privately realized that the interest over his cheating, their split, and her meltdown had faded AND SOMETHING NEEDED TO BE DONE. So they're giving off signs that they're getting back together. Hopefully Twitter knows enough to slit UP its wrists and not across.

Radar says that @aplusk and the former @mrskutcher attended the birthday party of one of their Kabbalah leaders, Rabbi Yehuda Berg. While there, they shared an "emotional 60-second embrace". Come now. Demi was just searching his pockets to see if he was holding, and Ashton was just dry-humping. Dude will stick his goofy dick anywhere. Apparently, they chatted for awhile and Demi was said to be staring at him like "a love-sick puppy". We can all sign off on the "sick" part.

During the party, guests stood up to speak about how awesome the rabbi is (sounds like a good time) and Ashton is said to have started regretting shit when he got up.

Ashton gave a speech at Kabbalah Rabbi Yehuda Berg’s 40th birthday party and teared up when he said “I’ve made all these horrendous mistakes in the last year.”

A guest at the party said “Ashton’s voice started to break as he spoke. He just fell into tears. He sat down to a round of applause while Demi just looked frozen.”

The "mistakes" he was talking about include fucking a slut on his sixth anniversary without having her sign a NDA first, and not being there to Tweet pics of Demi seizing after Redi-Whip overpowered her. Demi wasn't "frozen", that's just her face.

If they DO get back together, can Ashton handle the bathroom bikini photoshoot duties this time? Sit down, Ma.

After spending weeks trying to get her shit together in rehab and another few weeks on vacation from rehab, Demi Moore is back on the prowl in more ways that one. Lock up your bathroom mirrors, bikinis, Four Loko stash, bath salts and anything else your midwestern suburban teen daughter might get into when it's teacher's day at school and she's home by herself. The former sunshine walker came out last night for the premiere party for some talk show she's executive producing for Lifetime called The Conversation. Demi also returned to her position as Twitter's oversharing and philosophical mom. Yes, Deep Thoughts (And Random Bathroom Bikini Phoot Shoots) with Demi Moore is back. Demi told all of her followers that she's officially breaking up with her Twatter handle and is looking for a new name:

Time for a change, twitter name change... any suggestions?

collecting all the suggestions! thank you. keep them coming!!

@offthekutch? @pleasenomooreofyouinadamnbathroombikini? @kabbalahbabe (Oh, fuck my fingers off, she's totally going to choose that one)?

All is right again. Demi is back on the ho stroll, she's back on Twitter and you're back to caring more about the aromatic undertones of your own farts than what Demi writes on Twitter. The world can continue to pirouette!

Here's more of Demi with Joy Bryant, Chupa, the editor of InStyle, Amanda De Cadanet and Kelly Preston (wearing one of John Travolta's costumes from Hairspray) at the party for The Conversation in Beverly Hills last night. The last time we saw Demi, she looked like the star of Oxygen's remake of The Walking Dead and now she's definitely looking a lot healthier, so I won't comment on how I really want her to teabag me with her cheeks.

Once upon a two years ago, a brain-dead slut baby trapped inside of the body of an Armenian whore bag got pimp slapped by the hand of a 20-year-old party girl trapped in the body of a Demi Moore. It all started when Kim Kardashian's useless ass Tweeted that she was out "big pimpin" with her girlfriends. Now, Pimp Mama Kris should've been the one who pimp slapped that trick for not knowing her place as a common ho. But it was Demi Moore who dragged Kim to the classroom and tried to school her on the meaning of "pimp."

Demi tried to get it through Kim's vapid head that her use of the word "pimp" was glamorizing sex slavery. It was seriously a meeting of the stupids and I completely forget about it. Well, Kim didn't forget about it and Janet Charleton (via Jezebel) says that she dedicated a special song to whippit-loving Demi at Elton John's Oscar party:

At Elton John’s party Kim was heard making fun of the fact that Demi was caught doing drugs with much younger friends -“she called ME immature!” Kim laughingly requested a song “dedicated to Demi” – the song was Devo’s “Whip It!”

And during karaoke night in rehab tonight (please tell me they have karaoke night in rehab), Demi will dedicate the following songs to Urinal Kim: "Splish Splash," "Yellow" by Coldplay, "What the Water Gave Me," "Raindrops Falling On My Head" and David Chappelle's "Piss on You."