Demi Moore

Any normal celebrity couple would answer to the rumors that their marriage has been drowned in a pool of crotch nectar from the husband's side piece by issuing a simple statement that reads: "True" or "Not true" or "Your business: mind it." But Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore aren't even in the same universe as normal and have answered to the rumors by dropping philosophical balls of shit and clues on their Twitter pages. Dumi's stupid ass wrote the first chapter of The Da Douche Code when she quoted Greek philosopher Epictetus days before Star Magazine said her marriage was lying on a table in the morgue.

"When we are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger."

The second chapter was written by Ashton when he Tweeted a link to his Spotify account where Public Enemy's "Don't Believe The Hype" plays. A few days before Ashton's Tweet, Demi Tweeted the picture above of her doing an impression of the current catatonic state of her marriage and she added the note: "I see through you."

This is what happens when your brain gets fed with too much Oprah. It makes a bitch think she's a regular philosophical performance artist. Rumer Willis, go poke at your mama with your chin and tell her she's won. We won't complain about her desperate bathroom bikini photo shoots as long as she promises to queef the wannabe Maya Angelou act from her being.

Lainey Gossip says that tomorrow's cover of Star Magazine will make absolutely no one clutch at their anal beads in SHOCK by featuring this headline: "World Exclusive It’s Over! Demi & Ashton’s $290 million divorce!" Actually, let me take a Magic Eraser to my last comment and correct myself. Everybody will be clutching at their anal beads, because we're actually living on a planet where an empty douche bottle in a Jesus mask and a Kyle Richards impersonator are worth $290 million together.

Lainey says that Star is practically echoing their story from this time last year and saying that Ashton Kutcher's wandering peen hasn't stopped slipping into side pieces and Demi Moore can no longer mask the pain by unmasking her non-biodegradable body parts in a bathroom bikini photo shoot for her Twitter followers. There's not many details from Star's story other than that mess, but The Dirty (via Gather) got an e-mail from someone who claims that their friend helped Asshole Kutcher in his never-ending pursuit to beat Tiger Woods' man whore record.

Nik, I’m going to be straight to the point. I’m a female who works at who happens to be friends with Sara Leal, probably not after this. I’m sick to my stomach over what happen last Friday night. Like most people on earth I worshiped Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore until Ashton Kutcher f*cked my friend Sara Leal at 4:30AM technically Saturday morning in his room on the 12 floor at the Hardrock Hotel in San Diego. Ashton Kutcher told Sara Leal that him and Demi Moore are separated and the public doesn’t know yet. Smooth line Ashton, she was going to f*ck you anyway.

"Don't speak for us." - Most people on earth to Sara Leal's friend

Demi and Ashton haven't been photographed next to each other in a little while and that's a red flag right there. Demi might not be able to force herself to rub her shellacked body of desperation on Ashton's man slut stick, but she's always been able to put on a brave face for the sake of the paparazzi's cameras!

My thoughts and prayers are with Demi and Ashton's Twitter followers at this time. It will be hard at first to only follow Ashton every other weekend (not including holidays), but they'll eventually get through this difficult time.

Here's Demi looking a little Rimes-ish with Jennifer Aniston, Alicia Keys and Swizz Beak at last night's NYC premiere of Lifetime's Five.

Demi Moore and her overgrown man child of a husband Ashton Kutcher are currently making the media rounds to raise awareness of child sex slave trafficking (and mostly raise awareness of themselves) and last night they talked to CNN's Piers Morgan (via USA Today) about their crusade and THEMSELVES! All that discussion about children getting kidnapped and sold to pedophiles just really got Piers thinking about Ashton and Demi's married life so he asked them about it. They said that one of the ways they keep the romance (ugh) alive is by leaving little notes for each other around the house. You know, notes that say: "Ashton, please aim for the bullseye decal at the bottom of the toilet like we learned in potty training class. Love, Demi". Sweet shit like that.

Kutchie explained to Piers, "If you go to our house I have Post-it notes that are placed in various locations, all with messages of encouragement or love, or just thought. Post-it notes are much cheaper than diamond rings." Demi's pie hole then piped in with, "And some have been there, I don't know, seven years? My most recent one was just a reminder that I was magical."

Think of the trees who were viciously slaughtered just so they could be processed into paper that Ashton uses to write crap like "you are magical" to Demi. Sad. The souls of the trees double bawl when Ashton tells Demi that the strange dried fluids on the Post-it note she left on the table next to the sofa in his office is just tuna salad splatters.

Demi & Ashton should at least recycle those notes by donating them to hospitals who can use them to help patients vomit.

Here's MooreKutch with Scout Willis at the launch party for their "Real Men Don't Buy Girls" charity.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are trying to put a spotlight on the child sex slave trade by putting out a series of viral videos starring their friends: Justin Timberlake (above), Sean Penn, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Eva Longoria, Jessica Biel, Donald Trump, the Old Spice Guy and a million more. I am obviously not their target audience, because all of these videos left me in the same state of awkward confusion Bruce Willis suffers through whenever Ashton and Demi suck on each other's tongues in front of him at the Thanksgiving table. Daryl Hannah did it right when she went undercover into the horrific world of prostitots overseas and put out a documentary about it. But Ashton and Demi basically just released several B-Sides of the Old Spice commercials. Just fucking weird.

First of all, Donald Trump must be saying "SIKE" with his eyes in his picture, because that charbroiled toad buys a new wife model every few years (no offense to the forever gorgeous Melania Trump). Second of all, everything you need to know about this is in the address for Demi and Ashton's anti-child sex slave foundation: demiandashton.org. EXACTLY.

via ONTD

What's the secret to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's OMGamazing marriage? It isn't the maybe fact that Demi doesn't ask any questions when Ashton comes home with an unidentified pube between his teeth. It's also not the maybe fact that Ashton doesn't break character when Demi busts out her sexy "Getting The Heimlich Maneuver" moves. No, it's their threesomes with the TWITTER bird, of course!

At a technology conference in Tel Aviv yesterday, the Twitter bird's biggest whore told a group of reporters, “A lot of times my wife and I sit across from each other and tweet, it’s a little bizarre. It’s the same reason why you send roses to a woman at work. Sometimes people like to be adored in public.”

Isn't that sweeter than Princess Lolly's tampon? I mean, nothing says "I truly love you" like not being able to say 140 characters of affection to my face!

Brittney Jones, Ashton Kutcher's rumored one-time couch fuck, has ventured out of her cardboard box on the ho stroll once again to try milk more coins out of this non-scandal. In a new interview with Star Magazine (via Radar), Brittney says that Ashton and Demi's private parts are open to others as long as they play around together. Demi wasn't pissed off because Ashton wet humped on another chick, she was made because he did it without her. That made Demi's vag frown. This is the mess that Brittney said:

“Ashton said he and Demi have an open relationship and have threesomes often. I didn't feel at all like he had just cheated on his wife. It felt normal and OK. He (Ashton) said they share women, but he isn’t supposed to go off and sleep with women on his own. He explained that he and Demi had a deal where they had to share lovers. He felt bad that he had been with me and didn’t share.”

You know now that I really let my brain go there, this does make sense. I can totally picture Ashton and Demi as that skeezy swingers couple from HBO's Real Sex circa 1990s. They troll the club for little young things together and when they pounce on one, they all pile into Ashton's burgundy Cadillac DeVille with tan leather seats and go back to "the crib." Demi sits in the backseat with the girl and strokes her thigh while Ashton brags about how he had lunch with Les Moonves.

When they get back to the house, they take the spiral staircase down to Demi and Ashton's "love den" which is decked out in wood paneled walls, emerald green shag carpeting and a giant round bed covered in a black panther bedspread. Ashton changes into a zebra print thong and tells the girl to choose from a variety of teddies in the mirrored closet. Then Ashton pulls out a bottle of sparkling pink wine (because the ladies love it) from the nightstand/cooler next to the bed and pours a glass for all of them. Ashton and the girl get into bed together and since he can't grow chest hair, he puts on a hair bib for her to stroke while they watch Demi dance on a makeshift stage in the corner.

Yes, you know which dance Demi does. Demi's Dance of the Seven Seizures:

Seriously, that's totally how it plays out. And don't even get me started on the key parties Ashton and Demi go to.

Nothing says "WE'RE ONLY DOING EACH OTHER" like Tweeting a picture of you and your alleged peen passing husband snuggling in bed on your fifth anniversary. Or maybe it's nothing says "DESPERATE" like Tweeting a picture of you and your alleged peen passing husband snuggling in bed on your fifth anniversary. I guess I was truant the day of that lesson. I'll cheat off your paper later.

As your ass already knows, Star Magazine has accused Ashton Kutcher of stepping out on Demi Moore by stepping into into crotches (you know he's into foot fucking) that don't belong to his wife. MooreKutchie has continued to slap the cheating rumors in the face by trying to look like a happy couple who only slurps on each other's genitals...and nobody else's! And on their fifth anniversary, Demi posted this picture on her Twatter with the note:

Thank you for all the anniversary wishes!! Enjoying a day lounging around watching "Breaking Bad" Great show!

I have to hand it to Demi. She's really keeping her composure in that picture even though her nostrils are filling with the musty scent of egg burritos and random cooch cream wafting off of that comforter. And she even kept that smile going when her toes touched a slimy condom at the foot of the bed. Good job, Demi!

Star Magazine broke the rumor that while Demi Moore was busy flaunting her bikini body in make-shift camera phone bathroom shoots, her husband Ashton Kutchie took his wandering wang for a walk all over the vaginas of L.A. Ashton was "caught" tongue-ing some blonde piece in a hallway at a restaurant, and a 21-year-old trick named Brittney Jones claims that she spread her cooch on Demi's couch while she was out of town filming a movie. Ashton has denied all of this.

In this week's Star, they have the text messages Ashton and Brittney allegedly sent to each other before and after their parts slobbered on his sofa. The text messages are about as interesting as My Boss's Daughter. It's just basic shit like: "what are u wearing now?" and "Whens the next time you're gonna have an empty house?".

Radar says that Brittney is trying to take her whore game to the next level by hiring a manager and publicist. A source who knows Brittney says that she's been obsessed with Ashton for a while and is going to milk this story the way she milked his peen, "I believe she did it. I've known Brittney for a while and her family is the same way. They're all gold diggers... she probably took one look at Ashton and saw dollar signs."

"Family of gold diggers" is the official motto on the Kardashian family crest, so that source better expect a copyright infringement lawsuit from Kris Jenner.

And People Magazine has now joined Star and Radar at the table. Although, People isn't coming out and saying that Ashton is sticking his douche rod into any young ho who doesn't start to melt when he rubs against her too fast (Well, Demi can't help it!). People is crossing their legs, holding their white gloves in their hands and whispering that maybe there's shit going down in Ashton and Demi's marriage.

One of their sources said that everything is alright and the two gushed all over each other (smells like store bought silicone and vinegar) while Ashton visited with Demi on the set of her movie in Michigan, "She gushes over Ashton. You could hear them laughing in her trailer."

But a different source said that Demi and Ashton are angry about the cheating rumors and have told their friends not to ask about it. The source said, "He got married young and, as crass as this sounds, never seemed to have his fill."

It's not 2006, so this post about Demi and Ashton is already way too long. But maybe Demi and Ashton have one of those open things. You know, she fills her face with whatever the plastic surgeon has on stock and he doesn't say a thing about it. And he gets to fill his mouth with whatever winks at him in a bowling alley and she doesn't say a thing about it. Whatever works for them! Or as Demi and Ashton probably think, whatever keeps them on the cover of People!

Star Magazine is really trying to make the "Ashton Kutcher is the new Vanilla Gorilla" thing happen. A couple of weeks ago, Star tried to expose Ashton's wayward wang by publishing a story about him making out with some blonde at a restaurant in L.A. Ashton responded via his official rep, the Twitter Bird, by threatening to sue the dick out of Star. Demi Moore backed her husband up and later channeled her inner 18-year-old MySpace slut by Tweeting pictures of her bikini body.

Well, Demi better get her builders grade body in front of the nearest bathroom mirror, because Star has stepped it up. In this week's cover story, Star has a first-ho account from a 21-year-old who claims she met Ashton at a bowling alley in L.A. and later licked dried douche water off his peen.

The trick tells Star that Ashton picked her up at Lucky Strike Lanes while he was with Demi and Tater Head. Ashton and the trick started talking and she eventually slipped him her number. Ashton invited her to his house a few days later when Demi was out of town. Since Ashton is a devoted husband, he didn't bone his temporary side-piece in the bed he shares with Demi. No, he took his acts of illegal sluttery to the couch! The girl went on to say, “I felt totally comfortable in his arms. It was tender and nice — not some random sex act.”

Comfortable in his arms?! BITCH, you weren't slow dancing to a Michael Bolton song at your prom. You were straight up getting down-low dicked by a married asshole on his couch. If you went up to "Random Sex" on a street corner, handed it an Etch-A-Sketch and asked it to draw a picture that best describes it, it would sketch Ashton fucking this girl on his sofa. Ridiculous.

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this was part of some ingenious viral marketing campaign from Twitter. Ashton is a cheat headlines = hundreds of Tweets from Demi & Ashton = more followers = more hits. Well played, Twitter Whale!

And if this is true, then at least Demi knows why her sofa always smells like egg burritos.

A dozen blind items have just lit up, because they have finally found their answers. Maybe. Star Magazine is gently pressing a "My Name Is Asshole Ashton" sticker over Ashton Kutcher's cardigan for him to wear to Tiger Woods' monthly fuck party for professional peen passers and their admirers. A witness tells Star that they saw Ashton spreading his saliva all over the mouth of a "hot young blonde" outside of the bathrooms at Madeo in Los Angeles. Twitter will get doused with a hurricane of douche water in 3..2..

This witness had this to say about catching Ashton, “Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her. I was shocked to see him sucking face with a girl who obviously wasn't Demi." A friend of Demi's says she has no idea that Ashton is down low dicking another chick, “All along, Demi was told it would never work, that he’s going to cheat. When she finds out that it happened, she’ll be devastated.”

There's a few things in this story that make it hard for me to swallow (insert your sloppy blow job joke here) as truth. Ashton does look like he caught flies with his mouth by the window when he was a child, but is he really that dumb to make out with his trick whore in a public place?! And not any public place, but a restaurant that is crawling with celebwhores and paparazzi? At least take that slut into a men's room stall and make her stand on the toilet seat so nobody sees her feet.

And why would Ashton hump on another when he's got this at home. I linked to this yesterday, but it really does deserve an encore performance:

No one with working genitals would ever cheat on a woman who dances like a geriatric jerk chicken with an Ecstasy addiction and a diploma from Diane Horner's School Of Country Hip Hop Moves. NOT GUILTY!