Penelope Cruz

Tonight is the Met's Costume Institute Gala (this year's exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don't even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other's nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn't even wear that shit as their menstruatin' dress.

And it wouldn't be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters' designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don't believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl's coke white hair.

Or maybe she's falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that's probably the culprit.

And here's a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl's claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L'Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.

Hola! Magazine (all news should come from Hola! Magazine) says that Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem said HOLAS! to their brand new baby boy at Cedars-Sinai in Beverly Hills, CA on Sábado. Penny and Javier have yet to say if this is true or not, so we don't have a name (I'm pulling for Charo or Cristobal or Peenelope) or any other details. We'll really know it's true when Salma Hayek starts lactating, because her chichis always bring the leche when one of her friends gives birth. You know, just in case.

Because everything is better in Spanish, here's the story from Hola!. Just nod like me when my tia spits out Spanish like she just injected a chili infused speedball directly into her tongue.

El pequeño vino al mundo el pasado sábado en un hospital de Los Ángeles

El primer hijo de Penélope Cruz y Javier Bardem ha sido un niño y vino al mundo el pasado sábado en el centro médico Cedars-Sinai de Beverly Hills, Estados Unidos. El pequeño, del que aún no ha trascendido su nombre, llegó al mundo entre la alegría y la emoción de sus padres y el cariño de ambas familias, que quisieron estas al lado de la pareja de oscarizados actores en un momento tan importante. La semana no ha podido ser mejor para el actor español que el sábado se convirtió en padre y ayer se anunció su nominación al Oscar como mejor actor por su papel en la película Biutiful.

And this is where you just type, "Ummmm....SI!" The Rosetta Stone cell in my brain tells me that the article from Hola! talks about his Oscar nomination for Biutiful. Javier became a new dad and received an Oscar nom in the span of 4 days, so some of you might be thinking that he's having the best week ever. Yeah, I don't really see it that way. The 10-piece luggage set under Javier's eyes is about to become a 20-piece set thanks to his baby crying at all hours of the night like Vanilla Sky is playing on a loop on his nursery ceiling. And then Javier finds out that in a few weeks, he'll have to dab some concealer on his 20-piece luggage set and sit through a 300-hour long ceremony. Yeah, so...that being said, FELICIDADES to Javier and Penny!!!!!! (I just really wanted to type FELICIDADES!!!!!!).

via OK! Magazine

Believe it or not, Penelope Cruz's "DO NOT WANT" face is not the winner of this picture. And Javier Bardem double fisting two invisible b-holes like YEAH also didn't get the game point. The true star of this shit is the memaw hollerin' her division sign brows right off. Need more proof? Let's get closer:

BOOM! I can practically hear her screaming "SUPPER'S ON!!!!" from here. It's like she's banging on a triangle with her tonsils. She is serious about her victory scream, because even her nostrils are cheering. Yup, she wins.

And here's a few more of Penny Cruz's pregnant ass hugging on Javier at the Lakers vs. Heat game at the Staples Center in L.A. last night.

Penelope Cruz jumped to the top of the womb watch list when pictures of her looking like a fetus is blowing air bubbles in her belly were posted on line yesterday. The pictures were taken on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean, so some thought that maybe the extra bump was part of her costume. Personally, I figured that Penny's ovaries were just hyperventilating from being that close to Johnny Depp's shivering timber. But Penny's spokeswhore has confirmed that she's 4 1/2 months pregnant! And the daddy is Javier Bardem!

Penny's rep kept the statement simple, and thankfully didn't give us the Spanish translation of "Over The Moon". It's always too early for that shit. Penny and Javier got married in the Bahamas in July, so you can fire a belated bullet from your shot gun if that's what you need to do.

Congrats to Penny and the Javier! Hopefully, the world's best newborn plastic surgeons will be on hand at the birth of their baby. With two ugly ass parents like Penny and Javier, that baby is in for a world full of fug (el sarcasmo). Please, that baby is going to have a L'Oreal contract in its hand as soon as it pops out of Penny's vag.

Well, this is one way to choke out the lezzie rumors. Tommy Girl's former face merkin Penny Cruz and Javier Bardem (or Javier BarDAYUM as my horny old auntie calls him) became husband and wife in the Bahamas almost two weeks ago. By Hollywood's standards, two weeks is forever so my headline is still factual (not really). Penny's spokeswhore confirms the news to the Associated Press and says that it was a tiny wedding with only la familia present.

The most surprising part of this shit is that as soon as Penny slipped the wedded cock ring on Javier (it's the only way to go), the news wasn't immediately transmitted via Twitter whale or some shit. There was no 10-page spread in ¡Hola! magazine. Bitches actually kept their lips shut. That means Salma Hayek's magnificent chichis have been keeping a secret for a while now. She has been looking a little tense in the nipples lately.

And while Penny and Javier were getting hitched on a beach in the Bahamas, her former employer Tommy Girl was down in his dungeon hitching his Scientolohole to a dick on a dude named Javier.

There's been a womb watch on Penny Cruz for a couple of months now. The rumors going around town (aka the internets) is that one of Javier Bardem's hunky sperm fish got down with one of Penny's ovaries creating a fetus tamale. All parties involved have kept their mouths shut about the subject. Some seem to think that the rumors are false, because she was photographed a couple of days ago smoking away at the Chateau Marmont.

At the premiere of her movie Broken Embraces at the Toronto International Film Festival last night, a reporter decided to ask Penny about the possible situation going on in her lady parts and she wasn't happy about it. According to People, Penny screamed, "That's your question?!" and then busted out of there.

So either: a) Penny does have the BABIES!! but doesn't feel like talking about it with strangers. b) Penny doesn't have the BABIES!! and isn't amused with hos thinking she's chunky in the belly area. c) Penny did have the BABIES!!!, but she doesn't anymore. Sad faces galore.

This is why you simply don't ask a trick if she's pregnant. I mean, whenever I'm sitting on the subway and see a possibly pregnant person standing up, I'm always afraid to offer up my seat. What if she's just fat and shanks me in the throat for assuming she's got a baby in there? Just keep your eyes down!

Here's Penny looking like she wrapped herself in a hospital bed sheet at her big premiere last night.

This is the first trailer for Nine and it kind of has me feeling tingly for a couple of reasons. First, this shit has always been one of my favorite musicals ever and second, Daniel Day-Lewis DANCES! When I watched There Will Be Blood, I immediately thought to myself that it would be so much better if he was singing and dancing around the whole time. I mean, a musical number called "I Drink the Milkshake" would have been spectacular. Since that didn't happen, this is the next best thing.

Nine also stars a bunch of chicks who belong in this movie like Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard, Penny Cruz and Judi Dench. There's also some hos (point at Fergie & Kate Hudson) who must have licked the right taint to get cast. When they hit the screen, that's when I hit the toilet! As for Nicole Kidman, the jury is still out on that bitch. I can't tell from the trailer if she moves her face or not. If she's able to frown even a bit, they should give her every award imaginable. That's a major feat in itself!

Salma Hayek, her miracle chichis and François-Henri Pinault all got married for a second time over the weekend in Venice. The first time Salma married money bags it was one of those fast weddings at city hall in Paris, so Francois didn't really get a chance to show everyone how really fucking rich he is. That's what the second wedding was for.

This shit looks like it was too fancy for my ass. I would've been asking for mini-bagel-pizzas and sparking Andre. Damn. I mean, they were even wearing masks. Rich people are so weird. I bet they had butt wipers wearing tuxedos in every bathroom stall and drank champagne out of crystal flutes filled with diamonds. I can't hate, because Salma that money, so she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and freely frolic on the beaches with her down-low partner in pussy Penny Cruz. Speaking of, you know Penny had to bite on a dildo when the preacher asked if anybody objected to this shit!

Here's all the fancies leaving or arriving at the Queen Chichis wedding. Guests included Anna Wintour, Penny Cruz, Javier Bardem, Gael Garcia Bernal, Lily Cole, Ashley Judd, Charlize Theron, Zhang Ziyi and Bono. When Salma's chichis fully cover from this party, she better do something about the swine flu. The cure is in her miracle chichis.

When Sally Farmiloe, the Chicken Cutlets of Britain, arrived at the BAFTAs in London tonight, every whore in that joint should have gone home. It was done as soon as Sally hit the red carpet. They should have bestowed all the awards on her and called it a night. Seriously, this is how you show you up to a fucking event. You put on your finest sparkles and throw your dignity in the trash! This is how it's done. And it's also nice to see that Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" wig has a found a new home on Sally's head.

I wasn't joking when I said that all those whores should have quit that bitch when Sally arrived, because there was a whole lot of fug on that damn red carpet. It looks like a dump truck dropped trash all over that shit. Bitches looked beat! Below is a few pictures of the raggedy ass hos of the BAFTAs. Goldie Hawn is looking like she needs to take a good, long 2-hour fart. Actually, she might have let one out and Daniel Craig's piece got a good whiff of it, because she's smelling something nasty.

And the look on Penny Cruz's face in thumbnail #4 is the same face I've been making every time Kate Winslet wins something and goes on and on about how surprised she is. It's the "Bitch, stop acting like you don't win shit" face.

This is one of the first pitchers of Rob Marshall's Nine starring Daniel Day-Lewis and a bunch of broads. The picture needs a little visit from Photoshop, because it's looking like a pageant photo from Miss Drag Queen World 2008. In case you have no idea who some of those bitches are, they are from left to right:

Judi Dench (in the Suri wig), Penny Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Fuggie Fug, Nicky Kidman, Kate Hudson and some random trick in the back trying to sneak into the picture.

Of course, Nicky has to have the spotlight on her wax figure-looking ass. It's probably not even a spotlight. It's the toxic glow you get from too much Botox.

The people in front of Fuggie must be wearing raincoats and carrying umbrellas. Fuggie's got her legs open for business and she's a known squirter.

Wait...I think that's Daniel Day-Lewis' head down below in front of Fuggie's geyser hole.... I really, really hope he was wearing a gas mask.