Fake Asses

Don't go running through the streets shouting "FINALLY! PRAISE JESUS" just yet, because this shit is faker than Brooke Hogan's rubber vagina. Sorry to break your heart like that.

At a press conference for Hulkmania in Australia, Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair got into a brawl which ended in tomato sauce being shed. Bitches are so dramatic.

Either the McDonald's ketchup packet hidden under Hulk's bandanna popped at the right time or he pulled a Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler by taking a razor to his head. Bitch should've taken a razor to that peroxide weave of fug instead.

In real-life, Hulk could destroy Ric just by flashing one of his roidy-filled veins at him. Shit, I think most of us could win in a battle against Ric. Look at that pepaw! All we would have to do is distract him by throwing a warm compress in the corner or dangle a bag of Metamucil chips in front of him.

Here we go again. A new totally staged clip featuring Carmen Electra, some dude and some ho has "leaked" onto the internet. The clip is basically the welfare version of McSteamy and the Noxzema Girl's non-sex tape. It features Carmen guzzling on a champagne bottle, dancing around like a post-seizure chimp on No-Doze, making out with the other skank and unzipping the pants of the dude filming this mess (teaser for part two, I'm sure). And just like the McSteamy tape, there's NO dick.

Not even the tip! What is wrong with this world?! Suddenly bitches have a case of the shies and want to keep their dicks to themselves. Are we pilgrims all of a sudden? Shit, I'm sure even the pilgrim dudes proudly waved their dicks around when they got to Plymouth Cock Rock.

Anyway, I'm sure Carmen Electra will clutch her pearl necklace (smearing it), put her hand on the bible and cry about how she can't believe that someone she thought she trusted would do something like this to her. Then she'll hire a pretend lawyer and file a pretend lawsuit. In the end, Carmen will consent to the tape, because she's "so tired of fighting." Blah blah blah blah... Same old whore song and dance.

Wake me when Spaghetti Cat's "sexy tape" leaks.

Last weekend, Sheriff Obvious McDuh got on his little stage and tap-danced while singing about how the Balloon Boy incident was just a big hoax. Well, what the sheriff didn't tell us was that Balloon Boy's mom let the air out just two days after we all wasted our time watching that stupid ass balloon in the sky.

According to CNN, Mayumi Heene barfed the truth out to investigators and said they had planned the whole thing for two weeks. Mayumi confessed that they did it so that the media could slobber all over them and they could get their own reality show. The sad thing is that it kind of worked. This is why the media should be run by cats. Cats would have never cared enough to fall for this shit.

While half of Colorado was searching for Falcon Heene, Mayumi said they knew that he was hiding in the attic all along. Mayumi and her husband Richard told the kids to lie to the police and to the media to keep the charade going. The Gosselins needs to send Richard and Mayumi a bundle of balloons as a thank you gift for making them look like the greatest parents who ever parented.

Sheriff Obvious already said that the Heenes would most likely be charged with conspiracy, contributing to the delinquency of a minor and attempting to influence a public servant. Child Protective Services is also investigating the fuckery.

Richard Heene continues to deny that it was a hoax. The funny thing is that Richard and Mayumi have different lawyers. It sounds like Mayumi is ready to sell her husband out so that she doesn't have to simmer in a jail cell. Mayumi should at least give her husband a farewell care package of Prep H and a sewing kit. Richard's precious haircut is going to make him mighty popular in the clink.

And not only should cats run the media, but they should also raise Balloon Boy and his brothers.

This little clip of "Seth Green losing it on the set of a commercial" landed in my inbox, and even though it's probably faker than everything on Heidi Montag, it's still so cute! Seriously, I love it when little leprechauns throw adult-sized hissy fits. Maybe he'd be more menacing if he was standing on a phone book, but he isn't, so this shit is just precious.

Don't you just want to hug the angries right out of him? I bet if you squeeze him hard enough thousands of Lucky Charms (only the marshmallow ones) will shoot out of his tiny asshole. This should really be on Cute Overload.

This is even giving Christian Bale the "awwwws" in his heart.

Here's Bruce Jenner arriving at Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom's big gay monster wedding on Sunday looking like a roasted basketball. I'm sure Kobe and Lamar accidentally played ball with Bruce's face during the reception. Anyway, TMZ is saying that Khloe and Lamar didn't actually get married on Sunday as expected. Khloe and Lamar's lawyers still have their dicks out and are trying to work out the whole prenup thing.

Once the prenup is signed, Khloe and Lamar will get married for real real. That's if their relationship lasts that long. Lamar might not want to marry Khloe when she forces him to shave her back during a full moon.

The only reason they went on with the fake wedding is so that E! could capture the beautiful famewhoring moments on camera in time for the season premiere of Keeping Up with the Kardashians in December.

And this is exactly why prenups are the work of the devil! They keep true soulmates like Khloe and Lamar from uniting as one in the eyes of the state and God! Actually, I should keep God out of this. It's hard to unite in front of him when he's giving you the side-eye.

Last week, Life & Style took us into the world of 3-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (smells like paninis and plane fuel). This week, they take us into the world of these two heavy flow maxi pads. Yeah, where's the Chinatown bus that goes back to Shiloh's world, because I CAN'T with these twats!

Khloe and Kim are queefing about how they lost a ton of weight by using some stupid crap called QuickTrim (PLUG! PLUG! PLUG!) and "exercising." They both blabbed about how they want to tone up more, but are happy with their bodies. BLAH! Then Khloe farted that she lost 25lbs and is a size 6 now. Kim said she weighs 114lbs. 114lbs total, not just her ass. Yeah, I know.

We would all lose 25lbs in a quick minute if we constantly ate up the diet supplement known as Vitamin COKE and spent the day sweating like a pig from chasing relevancy. And Khloe's thighs only look like that because they were slathered with Photoshop jelly.

(Image VIA Cover Awards)

Last night in NYC, JLo had herself another 40th birthday party. Only this was supposedly a "surprise" party Skeletor put together. Nalgas, please! Where the hell did JLo think she was going when she put on that Cleopatra dress she snatched from a drag queen and that braided hair bowl that belongs in a Cinnabon counter? You know she planned that whole thing from top to bottom. I mean, only JLo's mess ass would come up with the name "An Evening For Lola." That is a wreck. And if JLo thinks we're going to start calling her ass "Lola," then she needs more people. Preferably people with prescription pads and straitjackets.

JLo tried to act all shocked when the car pulled up in front of the theater, but come on.... Bitch couldn't even pull of a natural "surprised" look when an anaconda was trying to bite her ass! She should've studied the look on her twins faces whenever she makes a monthly visit to their nursery. Now that's a real surprised look. I need to stop. It's JLo's birthday. So Happy Birthday, Jlo...A-FUCKING-GAIN (this is going to be a daily thing, right?)

Here's some more pictures from last night of the every day birthday girl, Skeletor and her guests including Leah Remini (ugh), Lizaaaaaa and Ricky Martin.

Loki's soulmate, Robert Downey Jr. and ScarJo are all on the cover of the latest Entertainment Weekly as their Iron Man characters. While I appreciate seeing RDJ's plastic red mango crotch and Mickey's always-precious chilaquiles face, I am not amused by ScarJo.

It looks like she has Carrot Top's luscious dick bush on her head. They should've just wrapped Carrot Top's peen in black leather and had it play the Black Widow. It would probably do a better Russian accent than ScarJo too. OH FUCK, her Russian accent is going to make the entire city of Moscow weep for a thousand years. They are barely getting over Harrison Ford's butchery in K-19: Widowmaker.

This is a trailer (SFW) for Hustler's porn parody of HoHan's life. In some circles, this would be consider "making it." The porn-version SamRo is even in this, but the ho playing her isn't even trying! Bitch didn't bleach her hair or flash one of SamRo's signature "I'm holding a queef" smirks. If you're going to play SamRo, commit! Chick needs to hang out with Christian Bale.

And I wonder why Hustler didn't try to get White Oprah to make a cameo? She would've done it for 2 drink tickets to TGI Friday's.

VIA Gawker

Parasite Hilton's family bought her from the back of a truck in Chinatown, so she's the last bitch who should be calling anything fake. And that's exactly what she has called The Hills.

At last night's FiFi Awards, Parasite said she's never seen an episode, but her current wart-pincher used to be on it and he thought it was lame. The pre-op ostrich said, "The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn't even want to be a part of it. They make up relationships when they’re not there, and he just thinks it's lame. I've never seen the show in my life. I have no idea what it's about. But he just thought it was cheesy."

Wonky is right. The Hills is fake and her "My Butt Fucker Friend" show should have been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Documentary. Grand delusions! On the other hand, this skank whore is an expert of all things fake and lame, so she would know.

And Doug, no matter what Justin Gaston told you, your totally awesome powers of concentration aren't going to make those puss-filled pimples grow.

VIA USWeekly