Fake Asses

One good thing that has come out of Kim Kardashian getting flour bombed, besides Kim Kardashian getting flour bombed, is that her sister Khloe Kardashian is respecting the whore oath by sticking with Kim and killing her relationship with PETA. PETA is taking zero responsibility for Kim's gross ass getting showered with flour, but they did back the flour bomber and say they would pay for her defense lawyers if it came to that. Khloe farted out a bunch of letters on her blog today and when you put them together she basically said that she can't with PETA'S "bullying" (buzz word, buzz word) ways. This is the mess that Khloe splattered on her blog:

Hi dolls. I’m sure you all heard what happened to Kim last week (thank you SO much for the love and support you all showed her), and I just received word that the woman responsible has very close ties to PETA, despite PETA publicly stating otherwise. Not only has PETA lied to the public, but they have proved that they support this kind of behavior. I’ve been a vocal supporter of PETA for a long time but I have also been very vocal about anti-bullying, so this was a huge disappointment for me. As you all know, I don’t condone violence and bullying and what happened last Thursday was just that. I am absolutely disgusted by their behavior.

Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions — I personally don’t wear fur but that doesn’t mean I am going to force my views on anyone else, ESPECIALLY by violating them. I am a very proud sister right now, because Kim handled last week’s incident like a champ. She got cleaned up and was back out there in a matter of minutes. Go Kimmie!

We all need to practice what we preach. I will still continue to NOT wear fur, but I will no longer support PETA. Bullying and harassment is NEVER a solution, and I won’t be a part of any organization that thinks otherwise.

Never mind that somebody needs to shower this dumb bitch with the true meaning of "bullying" and never mind that her huge head is shoved so far up her own ass that she has no idea that PETA has done shit like this for years, this is the best news ever. This news is making my retinas clap. Stunt Queen Khloe breaking up with the Stunt Queens at PETA means that there will be no more pictures of her looking like a shaved and electrocuted sasquatch farting on her hand. Sadly, Harry from Harry and the Hendersons will have to look elsewhere for new fapping material, but think of all the copies of Photoshop that have been spared!

OMG, pleeeease let this be true!! According to TMZ, an ex Kardashian nanny is currently shopping around a tell-all book about her years in hell in the Jenner/Kartrashian household. She reportedly dishes on the boys, Brandon Jenner and whats-his-name (that other Dancing with SARS one), and talks about what rude entitled brats they are. She goes on to talk shit about the girls, and I hope she spills details juicier than Kim's XXXXL ass.

Hopefully, she won't cover all the old angles we already know and hate them for, such as the sex tape, underage pole dancing, Pimp Mama Kris's infidelity, Scott's womanizer serial killer face and their general knack for making money off of being no-talent slags. I want some new dirt dammit, like Khloe shaves with sheep shears and Kim cries her mascara off every night (looks like this) because she blew it with Reggie for leaking her dirty ho ass-gulping tape with Ray J.

Some people may knock her for violating common decency and her contract of silence, but I'm on team MAKE THAT MONEY GIRLFRIEND. I mean, WWKKD? Exactly.

Thank you PSL!!

For those of you who still believe that JLo hasn't hacked off her Bronx roots with a diamond-encrusted platinum machete, I hate to burst your bubble with a sharp pin dipped in obvious.

In case you haven't noticed, Fiat has paid JLo millions upon millions of dollars to represent them in a series of commercials and ads. In one of their commercials, JLo drives through the streets of her native Bronx as though she's driving straight into the beating heart of her soul. JLo's gaze hugs the neighborhood around her as she tells us how the Bronx inspires her and is her playground, and shit like that. Well, the neighborhood that is so dear to her was never graced by her presence during the filming of this fake ass commercial. Bitch filmed her part in L.A. I'm sure stage hands holding gigantic checks from Fiat stood off camera, so JLo could stare at them and the camera could capture the authentic look of true love in her eyes.

The Smoking Gun reported yesterday that JLo never stepped foot in the Bronx during the filming of the commercial. A body double drove the Fiat through the Bronx and the face shots of JLo were filmed in L.A. The commercial was edited to make you believe she's actually in the place she's going on and on about. The ad company who produced this mess calls the commercial "My World" and said in a press release that it “explores her personal take on how life in the New York City borough continues to inspire her to be tougher, to stay sharper and to think faster. We watch as she leaves Manhattan and makes her way back to the Bronx, where she grew up and continues to be inspired by.”

Fiat admitted that Jenny never drove through the Block

"Both FIAT commercials featuring Jennifer Lopez were indeed filmed in the Bronx as well as outside locations. In today's world, people are increasingly mobile and their work takes them to a variety of locations. As a result, we took the opportunity to film wherever Ms. Lopez was working at the time to accommodate her schedule."

When hos get rich, I don't think they owe anything to the place they came from. JLo doesn't have to drive into the Bronx in her Gucci Fiat and let the poors rub her ass for luck right before her asshole shoots gold coins at them. JLo doesn't owe the Bronx that. But it's ridiculous how she keeps using and using them to make us believe that she's still a neighborhood girl. Like we're really supposed to believe that this bitch would step her Louboutin-covered foot in the Bronx. JLo can't even drive through Beverly Hills adjacent without a convoy of bodyguards and a crystal bottle full of diamond dust to sniff just in case the air of the middle class blows into her window.

What I'm getting at is that the Bronx needs to sue this fraudulent ho for copyright infringement!

Kim Kardashian is canceling the rest of her Australian press tour ("YAY!" - Australia) and coming back to the US ("BOO!" - The US), because the black hole in her chest is filling up with sadness and she can no longer go on doing whatever it is she does for money. Yes, it must be hard cracking the strings of Botox in your face by projecting a sad when on the inside you're creaming about how much attention your stupid ass is getting. Bitch, sad harder. Kim looked more genuinely sad about almost losing her $75,000 diamond earring than she does about her marriage ending.

Both UsWeekly and TMZ report that Swisse vitamins marquee paid Kim $150,000 to represent them at the Melbourne Cup Carnival this Saturday, but she let them know that she and Khloe aren't going to be there. Some source says that Kim told them, "I need to take care of me now, and I can't work for awhile."

We have finally found Kim's other talent besides scam artistry. Kim is a master at making laughs! She needs to "take care of me now" and can't "work" for awhile? The day that Kim takes care of anybody other than Kim is the day that I actually make a morning piss without hitting the bathroom tiles (I'm re-enlisting in potty training classes, don't worry). The day that Kim does something that actually counts as real work is the day that I don't watch European gay porn while eating white cheddar Cheez-Its (It's like scratch-and-taste porn).

Oh, Kim, pretending to be sad has turned you into a regular fucking laugh machine. And speaking of laughs, click here to see a scene straight out of Khloezilla Takes Australia . A camera falls on her head!

That look of sheer revenge in Khloe's eyes. Why do I have a feeling that later that night, the pap was overheard screaming in his backyard, "A Khloe ate my baby!"

Here's some pictures of Kim and Khloe promoting their dumb purse line at a mall today. If your child cries while meeting a Kardashian and it isn't because they're afraid one of those skanks' fat asses is going to swallow them whole, CPS should take them away from you.

Meet 23-year-old Italian piece Danilo Gallinari, the former forward of the New York Knicks and Kim Kardashian's first choice to play her trophy husband in the multimillion dollar whoretastic shit show that was her soul-sucking manufactured wedding. That's what Wetpaint is alluding to, anyway. According to their source, before Pimp Mama Kris trapped Kris Humphries and threatened to sic Khloe on his family unless he signs his name in piss (the official ink of the Kardashian family) on a marriage contract, E! executives tried to set Kim up with Danilo. Danilo made the best decision of his life by turning those whores down and the rest is pisstory.

The source claims that while shooting the first season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Danilo was wanted by Kim Kardashian and E! tried to make it happen. They told Danilo that if he started dating Kim in front of the cameras, his career would blow up like her asshole when it's forming a fart and he'd become an overnight star. Danilo said the words that Kris Humphries wish he was smart enough to say: "Thank you, but no thank you. And please tell Khloe to heel, because she's chewing on my favorite kicks." That's when E! and the Kardashian whores moved on to their next victim.

This is easy to believe for two reasons:

1. You can't spell FAKE without a K (Side note: I think I might've just called myself fake too, which I guess is better than what I called myself earlier after I accidentally squirted hand lotion on my toothbrush.).

2. Kim Kardashian wanted a husband so bad that Pimp Mama Kris was about to sacrifice one of those Jenner girls to her overlord Satan and ask him to give her a Reggie Bush clone for her prized pig to marry.

So I'm more than sure that Pimp Mama Kris put out a casting notice for professional athletes who don't get piss fright when asked to let out a golden shower on command.

Pee S - Tommy Girl did the whole "buy a spouse" thing better. Snap. Snap.

Aaaaaand add this to the long list of shit we can blame Tyra for.

On the left is Melissa Gorga, the tone-deaf trophy wife of Teresa Giudice's (aka Gorilla Head) brother on The Real Housewives on New Jersey. On the right is Melissa Gorga wearing a recycled low-budget fat suit and a droopy prosthetic chin for one of those useless social experiment episodes of Entertainment Tonight. We know how this is going to go. Melissa is going to cry about how everyone stared at her and treated her differently when she had on the fat suit, and once she transforms back into a vapid skinny bitch she'll treat fat people with kindness. Or some other jack off hand motion like that.

Bitch, people aren't staring at you, because you're fat and have a camera crew following you. They're throwing you scared looks, because you don't even have a human body. People don't look like that. You look like a bag of melted caramel marshmallows after a Pepto-Bismol bottle shat all over it. Not to mention that your chin is about to unlock from your head and fall to the sidewalk to be devoured by pigeons. Eric Stoltz in Mask, you are not!

I'm all for ET conducting one of these social experiments even though they have been done a thousand times before and are so played out that even Fishsticks Paltrow's stupid ass did it in a movie, but couldn't they have spent more money on a better fat suit? The Bed, Bath and Beyond plastic bags full of 4 pillows that I carried on the subway this past weekend would've made a better fat suit than that piece of shit crap on her body. A STUNT QUEEN with a pauper budget is the worst.

Massive Mocha, please squash this dumb bitch.

About this time last month, the BlackBerries of two publicists air kissed at each other and created a beautiful union between JLo and Bradley Cooper. Just as you started picturing Bradley Cooper wearing JLo's cherpumple ass as a beard, their publicists said that their dinner date in NYC was strictly professional. I took that to mean that B. Coop was not impressed with JLo's third-tier amateur beard resume and burned it on the flame of the dinner candle as he winked at the hot waiter to put another dollop of whipped cream on his chocolate tart. That was the end of the Coo-Lo. BUT WAIT! Just like menstrual cramps and your stomach, JLo and B. Coop are back together a month later. That sound you hear that sounds just like an opera-singing harlequin clown bawling into the night wind is Victor Garber screaming out a low-octave: NOOOOOOO!

People has a picture of B. Coop and JLo driving in a car together yesterday afternoon in L.A. and she's covering her face with her hands as if she's screaming, "OHMAHGAH I CAN'T BELIEVE THE PAPARAZZO THAT I TIPPED OFF IS ACTUALLY TAKING PICTURES OF ME OHMAHGAH WHERE'S MY PRIVACY DID MY ASS EAT IT AGAIN OHMAHGAH!" A source tells TMZ that B. Coop and JLo are just casually dating for right now and they're not even close to being serious. Translation: they're just in beard training mode.

Who keeps trying to make B. Coop and JLo happen? Who keeps trying to shove Coo-Lo down our throats as a for real couple? Yes, Coo-Lo is the greatest couple name to hit our eyes in a while, but they do not make sense at all. You know what does make sense? A pee hole in the middle of the mattress so I don't have to roll my lazy bones out of bed in the middle of the night to walk all the way to the bathroom. Why hasn't anybody invented this?!

Kyle Massey, the Webster on growth hormones who did Dancing with the Stars with Bristol Palin, is telling people that he thinks her bitch battle royale fight at Saddle Ranch with the dude who called her mother a whore was about as natural and organic as the parts that were glued onto her new face. Kyle and his brother co-star in Bristol's reality shit show called "SEE! I'm Not Racist!" and sources tell TMZ that he thinks the producers planted the Stephen Hanks, the Palin hater, at the bar to do something no reality show does: inject fakeness into it for maximum dramatic effect.

Both Stephen Hanks and the producers are denying the fight was staged, but Kyle doesn't believe them, because he says it's a little strange that there were so many cameras at the bar. But Kyle says that Bristol has been nothing but genuine with him so he doesn't think she was in on the fakery. Kyle Massey is also scrubbing the dirt off of his precious Son of Disney skin every night, because what he thought was going to be a good clean scripted show turned out to be a sleazy reality show.

Kyle's daddy George Papadopoulos better spank a clue into him if he actually thought that he was starring in a scripted show with a trick who has the acting skills of a broken urinal lying in the back alley of the Saddle Ranch. In Bristol's acting debut she made a wooden door look like a living thing that feels human emotions, so who is going to give her an acting job? And Sarah Palin casting Bristol in the role of "Trig's sister instead of his mother" doesn't count!!! (Yes, I've been reading Days of Our Palins again).

It doesn't matter if that stupid fight was staged (it was) or not, because even if Bristol's shit show opening featured Marcus Bachmann tipping his spout at a T-dance, bitches still won't watch this mess.

And real or not, Stephen Hanks still owes us whores an apology, because what did we ever do to him?

On the left is a wax-covered inanimate object that is full of chemicals and will melt into a puddle of bad decisions if it is put under the sun, and on the right is a wax-covered inanimate object that is full of chemicals and will melt into a puddle of bad decisions if it is put under the sun. Seriously, both of these bitches belong in the SALE section of the Yankee Candle catalog.

At Madame Tussauds in Las Vegas yesterday, Fergie Ferg proudly unveiled the wax figure she made herself by using her newly sharpened nose to chisel out her likeness from a block of melted honey candles. The belle of Hacienda Heights christened her new wax figure by grabbing onto its plastic wax tit balls for the cameras. Now Fergie knows how her doctors feels when they give her plastic wax tit balls a squeeze during a breast exam.

But seriously, I don't even know which one looks more like the real Fergie. That walking wax figure in the red dress looks more like Lacey Schwimmer with a deflated chin. This was just a bad business decision on Madame Tussauds' part. Fergie rotates and pinches her mug so often that every few months Madam Tussauds will have to hire the Holmes on Holmes crew to renovate her wax figure's face so it matches. IN THIS ECONOMY nonetheless!

Since Kim Kardashian's only goal in life is to shove every part of her triple stuffed ass dumplings down the public's throat, she put it under an X-ray machine yesterday and Khloe Kardashian posted the results on her blog with the note:

Hey dolls. The PROOF is in the X-ray. Kim's ass is 100% real!!!

The words "real" and "Kim Kardashian" will never sit on the same side of the table, so Khloe Kardashian needs to stick her fibbin' fingers up her culo and stop. Why are we still on the subject of Kim's claim to fame? Besides, the X-ray of this trash heap heifer's ass proves nothing. Yes, this X-ray could pass for a picture of a plastic bag full of curdled cum which would mean it truly is Kim's ass. But I wiped my monitor, squinted my eyes and I still don't see Kris Jenner's head anywhere up in there. That is totally just a still of Khloe's anal gland sac from her sex tape with Lamar. Take back your receipt, Kim!

Here's Kim with her stylist, Gaga Michelle Williams, in NYC last night.