Fake Asses

Clare Werbeloff is the ho in Australia who became an overnight internet celebskank after a video her giving a witness account to a local shooting traveled around the world wide webz. In the clip, Clare dropped the word "wog" (which is a racial slur) so casually like it was part of her every day vocabulary. A quick minute after the video took off, a Facebook group devoted to Clare was born and some bitch started selling t-shirts were her sayings on them. Clare also had to get a publicist to deal with all the attention coming her way.

Well.....you can erase the bitch's file from your brain's hard drive, because that trick BAMBOOZLED the world! Clare didn't witness the shooting in Sydney and she was spinning lies when she talked to the local news. The Police hos tell the Daily Telegraph that dumb fuck Clare admitted to lying.

The public is not amused by Clare's joke. They didn't appreciate her slapping them with her giant hoax dick. They have now turned on Clare! Clare's older sister said that she's afraid gang members are going to whoop her ass! HA!

So it looks like Clare's big dream of becoming the next Delta Goodrem is officially died. Bitch will be lucky if she gets a gig co-hosting Tuesday nights with Corey Worthington at a bar on the outskirts of town where she'll have to serve vodka and Vegemite shots off of her stomach.

Do you remember Corey Worthington? Exactly. Google the bitch's name the word "irrelevant" pops up.

Source (Thanks Tanya)

Sacha Baron Cohen really wanted to get into character when he filmed Bruno, but it sounds to me like there wasn't an authentic gay on set to help him through this process. Sacha decided to bleach every single hair follicle on his body, so he could have the body of a hairless European twink power bottom. But who bleaches anymore? Well, besides my cholita cousin who thinks we all can't see her blonde moustache glistening in the sun. Don't tell her I told you that. I mean, every gay knows waxing the ass is the only way! Invisi-bleach is so 80s.

Anyway, either Sacha didn't want to waltz with wax or nobody told him. Sacha found out the hard way that bleach is not the answer. The Sun says that shortly after he got bleached, his no-no turned into an ouch-ouch. A source said, “He had a bad allergic reaction to hydrogen peroxide, which is a strong bleaching agent. It was so severe around a certain part of his anatomy that he couldn’t sit down for three days. He had to make an emergency appointment with the doctors, who gave him some medication to counter the irritation. Crew members found the whole incident hilarious and it slowed down filming for a bit, but Sacha soon got over the discomfort. He has suffered no long-lasting ill effects.”

Down for 3 days?! What kind of fake gay is he? If you're going to act the part, ACT the part. Dip that ass in some oestrogen cream, shake it off and get back out there! There have been times where my b-hole was on death's door, but I slapped it into action, inhaled and handled my business. There's no crying in butt sex!

Singing? Dancing?

Paula Abdul lip-synched FOR HER LIFE on American Idol last night during her performance of her new single "I'm Just Here For The Music (And The Lidocaine)." It might have been the Theraflu/NyQuil haze I was in, but I found that shit HIGHlarious (punned on purpose)! Even Scott could see that bitch was lip-synching. I mean, I don't even think her lips were moving. But the best part is when she used two mics to get the lip-synching job done! The "little vicodin pill who can't" was already wearing a head mic and then she scuttled over to another mic and lip-synched into that. Did Mel Brooks write that gag, because it was fucking classic!

So was that song actually. C-3PO sounded more human than that mess. You know Vicki the Robot is the real voice behind Paula's song. Vicki is the Martha Wash of the robot world.

How many of you were hoping one of the dancers flipped her ass too high causing her to get stuck in the rafters? One of the dudes should have thrown Paula towards the judge's table, because she might have knocked Kara DioLEAVEALREADY in the mouth, finally unlocking her damn jaw!

And I also loved Paula's final line before she left the stage, "Gentlemen, I'm just here for the music!" It is your duty to say that line every time you enter a room.

Beyonce was playing a show in Vienna the other day, so a local radio station decided to play a little prank. They pretended to be her manager and called up the Albertina museum to schedule a private tour for Sasha Fierce. The museum fell for it and everything was set. While the real Beyonce was out shopping in Vienna for manes from local horses, the fraudulent one went to the museum. The museum gave Sasha Fake a tour, but quickly figured out something in the milk wasn't clean. A rep for the museum said, "Her face was extremely similar, but her body was totally different."

Er...what? Look at that bitch above! I look more like Beyonce than she does?! I'm guessing Basement Baby was handcuffed to the basement radiator as punishment for that other prank, because she would've done this shit for free. Basement Baby works for relevancy! Even that dog knows what's up. He can't even look at that fake ass bitch.

The fake Sasha Fierce isn't much of a Beyonce impersonator, but if Holly Robinson Peete crawls out from under her rock and needs a body double for whatever reason, this chick is the one. And if the dude she's with ever tires of showing art to bootleg celebrity doppelgangers, he can get a job as a Dolph Lundgren double.

Source VIA Idolator

During Brit Brit's "I Kin Move Mah Lips An' Wave Mah Hans" show in Oakland the other night, one of her extensions broke free of the track and made a break for it. Methinks it took the line "out of my head" as its cue. The extension is now on a Greyhound bus to Miami where it plans to shake the jerky dust off of itself. It won't go far, though. When it crosses through Atlanta, Kim Zolciak's mangy beast wig will trap that ho and make it parts of its harem.

It's totally weird, but nothing makes me more happy than seeing a busted ass weave track or extension lying on the street. It confirms to me that broke down skank hos still exist in the real world and that makes me happy.

P.S. - What in Monday-to-Friday Helsinki is going on in that clip? It's like a scene out of HBO's Real Sex from the 80s.

VIA TMZ

The cast for the remake of Sorority Row looks like it was compiled in a bathroom stall at Les Deux. I mean, it stars Ceiling Eyes from The Hills, Tater Head, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, some skank whose greatest credit is being "detention girl" in 90210 and a bunch of other whores. Obviously, they all worked for drink tickets, a half-used box of Trojans and a promise that their 15-seconds will be extended to 18. And tell me why oh why Carrie Fisher is in this dirty tampon of a movie?! Carrie, if you need some quick cash, work the streets or sell crack. It's more respectable than working with these whorey cardboard cutouts.

And of course, Ceiling Eyes plays the dead girl. The bitch probably can't even play a corpse convincingly. Her ceiling eyes got her role, obviously.

While watching this trailer, these were my thoughts: That's not foam, it's jizz backing up! Why did he kill her if she was already dead? A tire iron can do that? Graduation gowns have hoods? Why am I doing this to myself? Is this real life?

SPOILER ALERT: Tater Head's chin is the killer!

When Joaquin Phoenix gets up in the afternoon, does he pull his clean ass out of bed, walk to his backyard, roll around in dirt, throw a shit load of fleas on his beard, smear a bar of dick butter (found in any Food 4 Less) on his body and then head out the door? It's pretty much looking like Joaquin's whole "crazy man under the bridge" act is just that...a fucking act! The dick cheese doesn't smell authentic!

Last night in Miami, Joaquin performed at the Fontainebleau Hotel at around 2 in the morning. During his low-budget rap act, some douchebag in the audience got all cunty with Joaquin. This was Joaquin's cue to say, “We have a fucking bitch in the audience" The dude in the audience kept on, so Joaquin really burned him, “I've got $1 million in the bank. What have you got bitch?”A few beats later, Joaquin dropped his mic, bounced into the audience and Chris Browned the bitch. Security broke the fakery up and kicked Joaquin out of his own show.

Of course, Casey Affleck got the whole thing on tape for that "documentary" they are making.

Okay, I understand that Joaquin wants to join the "You So Artsy" club by doing this performance art shit, but can he drop the homeless man look? Can't he be a hot and freshly shampooed crazy person? Joaquin looks like one of the members of ZZ Top after spending time in The Biggest Loser house. That is not the look.

SPOILER ALERT! Reality Steve was absolutely 100% cor-fucking-rect with his spoiler . On last night's low-rent soap opera known as The Bachelor, Jason dumped Molly, proposed to Melissa, dumped Melissa and then chose Molly. Yeah, confusing and totally fucking stupid. The whole thing really played out like the worst soap opera ever. This shit isn't even worthy of public access.

First of all, if they wanted to bring the drama and raw emotion, they should have chosen a better actor, because Jason's acting skills are whack! His son Ty can probably do a better job of fake crying. Note to Jason: When crying, tears have to be involved. It just looked like he was trying to push out a really big and dry butt nugget. They should have smeared onion paste in his beady eyes or maybe got Stephanie to serenade him again with her beautiful humming bird voice.

It became clear that the whole thing was set up when Molly kept crying about how he made the worst mistake of his life and he's going to regret this shit. Ooooh, foreshadowing. Why so clever, Bachelor producers?

And millions of people learned about Jason's "regret" on the After the Rose special. Chris Harrison started the hour by telling us what we were about to watch was so sensitive and so intimate that they decided out of respect for all parties involve to shoot it without a studio audience. Yeah, really fucking intimate. Only millions of people are watching.

So, stupid ass Jason came out and said that after spending time with DeAnna 2.0 (aka Melissa), he realized they weren't right for each other. Again, Jason makes Teddy Ruxpin look like Meryl Streep. He needs John Robert Powers STAT! Then Melissa came out, Jason broke it off with her and she proceeded to show him up in the acting department. Finally some People Choice Award-worthy shit! I even think Melissa went off the script and ad-libbed a little! She's a true professional. That's probably why there were so many pauses, because Jason didn't hear his pick-up line.

After Melissa and Jason played out their scene, she gave the ring back and stormed off into a waiting limo. Then Molly came out, Jason asked her to be his and they lived happily ever after. When Molly said, "Is this for real now?", I shouted, "Shut up, bitch."

For the record: Jason told People that he wanted to quit Melissa off-camera, but producers said it was in his contract that it had to be done in front of everybody.

Some bitches think Jason and the Bachelor producers were the only ones in on the fakery, but I think Melissa and possibly Molly were in on it. They realized this season was about as exciting as a dehydrated lima bean, so they concocted this dramatic shit to keep us awake. A more dramatic ending would have been if a gigantic tidal wave hit the house and took all of those fake ass whores out.

I'm sure that on tonight's third reunion show (yes, there's another one), Jason will dump Molly and propose marriage to the dead dove he buried with Naomi's family.

Below is a clip of Jason's amazing acting skills. And what was up with that set?! All those cheap ass tea lights! Fire hazard! Actually, I would've clapped if the whole joint went up in flames.

The broad on the right is Mary Kate Hearon and she claims soggy Fishsticks Paltrow's GOOP is just a bootleg version of her newsletter The Weekly Beet. Page Six says that on her Facebook page, Mary told her friends that Fishy straight up copied her newsletter about eating seeds and pooping on banana leaves. Mary said she actually introduced Fishy to her newsletter a few years ago, because she knew she was into that grass-loving crap.

Mary went on to yap that she eventually met up with Fishy and surprise, surprise, she was a total organic cunt. Mary said Fishy "was sooooooo nasty to me, it was scandalous! Chris Martin, the utmost gentleman, stood to shake my hand, but she smirked and was silent when I asked how her dinner was . . . I never thought in a million years she'd . . . create her own site very similar to The Weekly Beet . . . Goop has the therapies I've tried, the foods I love, the detoxes that work! A lot of the same stuff!"

Fishy's friend said that Mary is vomiting up lies, because they have never even met.

You know, I think everyone in the world should consider suing Fishy. We need to have a meeting with Larry H. Parker. I mean, most of our assholes have been spewing out POOP for years and years. Class action lawsuit alert!

At last night's Knicks game in NYC, Chuck Bass and that Vanessa bitch from Gossip Girlfriends (as my mom calls it) continued the fakery by "kissing" in the audience while they were probably on the damn Jumbotron. Chucks Bass' powers of imagination are obviously stronger than Vanessa's. He's kissing on her like she's Chace Crawford's freshly shaved and perfumed asshole. And Vanessa isn't even trying. Chuck Bass is trying to give your lips a rim job! She could at least pucker up like she's got a dick and fucking try. She's getting paid for it!

I'm totally getting a "Level 1 Stepford Katie" vibe from that Vanessa bitch. She's not a full-grown beard yet. She's like a goatee.

And I have a really important question for everyone. Why the fuck is Cheech Fucking Marin sitting behind these two twats?! He's the better half of Cheech & Chong. Pepaw should be in the front.