Fake Asses

Surprise, surprise. Bret Michaels and Rock of Love 2's winner, Ambre Lake, broke up. Like they were ever together. You know what this means? Yup, Rock of Love 3 will be back on Vh1 early next year. This kind of sucks, because the genital warts I caught from watching last season were just starting to clear up.

This time around Bret is filling his tour bus with a bunch of skanks and bringing them on the road with him. They will travel across the country with Bret on a month-long-tour. Most of the skanks will feel right at home since they probably grew up in a trailer.

Each time the tour bus stops in a new city, the whores will complete in challenges and one will be left off the bus. It will be called Rock of Love Bus.

This shit is not about finding love. This shit is about watching a bunch of chicken heads get drunk and do ho shit in their natural environment.

I will only watch this show if the sexy bitch on the right in the picture above is in it. Who am I fooling? I'm going to watch it anyway. I can't wait for the Waffle House challenge. You know there's going to be one.

This is a hard one, I know. They are the spitting image of each other. Separated at the crack house. The dude on the right is the infamous David Lee Roth imposter that has been going all over Canada pretending to be Diamond Dave. He's the dude that Canadian police pulled over while he was having an allergic reaction to nuts. He told them he was DLR. They believed him. They are stupid.

According to TheStar.com, the fake's name is David Kuntz of Cambridge. Why would you pretend to be David Lee Roth when you have an amazing name like David Kuntz. CUNTS! I would make all my friends and family call me Sir Cunts.

Not only has Sir Cunts fooled the police, but he recently convinced an entire bar that he was David Lee Roth. He even got onstage and performed with the house band. Everyone at that bar must have been drunk, high, blind and slow. I look more like DLR than Sir Cunts does!

Sir Cunts really needs to put down the meth pipe, take off all the scarves he bought in Tijuana and head to the nearest looney bin. When they ask why he needs help, he only needs to say, "I'm Sir Cunts and I want to be David Lee Roth." They will take it from there.

You might not see Nicole Kidman's precious botox pillow baby for a while. Nicky and Frosty Urban aren't members of the Baby Whorin' Club just yet. They have reportedly turned down several multi-million dollar offers for the exclusive rights to Sunday Rose's (or Sunday Roast as Australians have been calling her) first pictures.

A source said, "They don't think it's appropriate to make deals. They are still deciding how they feel about (it) - if and when they will release a photo at all. But they realize there is enormous interest from the public and they are grateful and appreciative of that. Nicole and Keith have been enjoying their first few days at home with their firstborn tot - Nicole is thinking about things like breastfeeding right now."

Oh please. You know the surrogate popped out an Asian baby, so Nicky is desperately trying to get her a few nip/tucks before she shows her to the public. That surrogate is in sooo much trouble for mixing sauces.

Seriously, Nicole is probably going to release this shit herself, because she wants complete Photoshop control. I wouldn't even be surprised if Sunday Rose posed with Nicky's wax figure instead.

I don't think I've ever posted such a sad headline before. Sad on so many levels. The other day, I posted some story about David Lee Roth being pulled over by Canadian police because he was speeding. The cops found "David" in his car having some sort of medical emergency due to a nut allergy. It turns out that it wasn't David Lee Roth, but someone pretending to be him.

DLR told TMZ that it wasn't him and he's not allergic to nuts, but he is "allergic to is criticism." Is he sure he isn't allergic to nuts? I mean, one would think you would develop an allergy after working with all those nuts in Van Halen.

The Canadian police said the DLR's imposter has been scamming dumb bitches everywhere. He could be charged with obstruction of justice for giving a false name to cops. They also need to charge him with being pathetic enough to impersonate David Lee Roth. I think that charge carries an automatic death sentence.

All this talk of nuts has made me all sexy feeling in the private areas. Anybody have pictures of Mr. Peanut's peanut?

And is it just me or does DLR look like he's impersonating David Hyde Pierce in the picture above?

Thanks Kristina

I'd rather wear shoes made out of rusty nails than Crocs, but I'm perfectly fine with kiddies wearing plastic vagina shoes. Yeah, I'm sure Rocco Ritchie really cares that I care. He does. Truth. Memaws and pepaws over the age of 90 and kiddies are the only people allowed to wear these things. I don't even think it's right to wear them while gardening. I mean, what if the sexy ass mail man comes along and you're wearing those things? They make your feet look like giant sand buckets. Not sexy.

Little Rocco wore multi-color Crocs while arriving at the Kabbalahahaha Center in NYC last night with his family. Maybe I should convert to Kabbalah. They obviously don't give a fuck if you show up looking like you've just rolled out of bed after a 9-hour bukkake session. At other religious services, they make your ass dress up like you've just come out of a Glamour Shots photo shoot. However, red is not really my color, so I don't think Kabbalahists would appreciate me asking if the red string comes in other colors. Besides, the red string would break in two as soon as it touched my evil ass wrist.

Here's more of Vadge and Guy doing it for the cameras last night.

Nicole Kidman popped out a goose-down pillow baby girl this morning in Nashville! People has confirmed the birth of Nicky and Keith Urban's botox baby. Awww....I wonder if she has her mommy's frozen forehead and her daddy's highlights?

No word on what they have named her. Keith probably wants to name her Grey Goose, but Nicky's boring ass isn't going to go for it. I think they should name her Tommy Girl. Tommy Girl Urban!

UPDATE: Nicky's spokeswhore told People that they named their new pillow Sunday Rose Kidman Urban. She weighed in at 6 lbs., 7.5 oz. SUNDAY ROSE?! That sounds like a cheap perfume my abuelita would've bought from Rite-Aid.

Congrats to Nicky, Keith and botox baby! Let's celebrate with a little Blondie:

Angelina Jolie wannabe and probably the worst hackstress on the planet, Megan Fox, has reportedly dumped Brian Austin Green. The 22-year-old dumbo called off their engagement, because she thinks she's too young to get married. A source told Star Magazine, "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realizes she's too young to marry him."

Who cares if Long Dong David Silver spends his day at the unemployment office and probably begs Megan to lend him $20, he has a big dick! That counts for a lot. Rule #2 in the "How To Choose A Boyfriend" handbook is: MUST HAVE A BIG DICK. Rule #1 is: MUST BE RICH AS HELL. Wait...okay...Megan made the right choice.

It was time for Long Dong David Silver to move on anyway. He needs to Switch It Up:

Is Elegant Olga's douchetastic voicemail stalker the infamous "Dimitri the Lover" from Toronto? After I posted Dimitri's douche-rant to Elegant Olga, a bunch of you sent me links to articles and websites about Dimitri the Lover.

Dimitri the Lover was in local papers in Toronto a while ago after he was stripped of his medical license for sexually assaulting patients. Yes, he used to be a doctor. His explanation was, “At the time, I was married. And my wife was sexually dysfunctional, I had not had sex with her in a year and a half. It was a very tough time, I was very horned up. And I was busy, between that and working, so for me it was easy to hit on chicks that were patients.”

He's pretty well known in Toronto for being the biggest douche alive. He's also part of a group known as Toronto Real Men. It sounds like a circle jerk group. Toronto Real Men is part of the "seduction community." I guess, they try and fuck as many chicks as they can.

There's a lot more info on Dimitri the Lover's website as well as this interview he did. There's also a super small picture of him on this website.

Dimitri totally thinks he's Frank Mackey from "Magnolia." Even Tommy Girl is rolling her eyes at that.

VIA Lolligagging

Thanks Brandy, Patricia and Kaitlin

Seeing Dr. Phil at a George Michael show would be like seeing Rojo Caliente in a mini-skirt and tube top. It's not right and it's a little offensive. Well, Dr. Phil was at George Michael's concert last night in Los Angeles with his wifey and his presence didn't go unnoticed.

TaraDi's Popcast reports that about 30-minutes into the show, George started laughing a bit and quietly said, "...No this is too mean." He then told the audience that Dr. Dumb Fuck was in the front row with his wifey. Some of the crowd started to applaud and some started to boo at Dr. Phil's stupid fucking head!

George said that Phil's wife looked like she was having a good time, but that Phil looked miserable. The camera then showed Phil's ugly mug on the screens and that's when the audience erupted in boos. George ended by telling Phil, "You should see someone about that!" Everyone cheered and Phil and wifey apparently headed for the exit.

You just know Dr. Phil asked for his money back. Dr. Phil deserved it! He deserves to get booed wherever he goes. So the next time you're pissing next to Dr. Phil in a urinal, zip up and poo boo in his face.

The picture above makes me sad for two reasons. First of all, my arch rival CHERYL BURKE is the focus of the picture. Second of all, that dude missed an opportunity to shove his Sharpie in CHERYL BURKE'S fat mouth and shut her up for once and for all!

Isn't it an unwritten rule that Mop Head is not allowed outside during "Dancing with the Has-Beens'" off season? And what the hell is she doing anyway? She looks like she's in pain and about to cough up a hairball. I swear, CHERYL BURKE is going to be the death of me! I'll get her soon!