Fake Asses

I'm surprised these two didn't combust from desperation. I know, I'm such a fake romance hater. But Jenny Aniston is gazing at John Mayer the same way I look at a 99 cent McDonald's cheeseburger or a 9 inch hard dick! When was the last time you looked at a dude that way? Gazes like this are only meant for delicious food products or big peens. Mayer is neither of those. A big bag of rubber vaginas, yes. But not a big peen. And she's looking directly up his nose and you know that shit is full of mocos. There's nothing romantic about that.

Anyway, Jenny has a movie coming out about a dog, so she decided it was time to polish off her "Ah's soooo in lurveeees" gaze and bring John Mayer out for a little surprise candid photo shoot with the pappies. If these pictures were black and white, they would look exactly like those fake ass photos that come with new frames.

Here's Jenny and John leaving La Esquina in NYC last night after having dinner with Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos. See! Kelly and Mark are behaving like a real couple. They aren't looking at each other and probably getting the dry heaves when they touch. That's real love!

It looks like the cherubs have one again struck two Gossip Girl cast members with the love arrow and now they are all sexy on each other. And by "cherubs" I mean the producers.

Blake Lively and Penn Badgley have already been dating for a while. Chuck Bass and that Vanessa girl are also some kind of couple. The latest showmance comes courtesy of Little Jenny and Chace Crawford.

According to Page Six, 15-year-old Taylor Momsen and 23-year-old Chace were spotted by some witness kissing during the Gossip Girl holiday party at Haven in NYC. The witness must have not seen the producer pointing two guns at their heads. If they were bumping tongues, then the producers are pedo-pushers! You know Pedo Bear was nearby doing the Cabbage Patch. He approves!

All of those dumb whores on GG are getting fake action and Dorota's bed is still cold! Where's the rumor about Dorota and Blair Waldorf holding hands while shopping at Home Depot? Now that's a showmance I can get behind.

The producers of the "Bachelor and Bachelorette" should really change the name of the show to "My Future Fake Ex." Another arranged couple has busted up. DeAnna Pappas confirms to InTouch that her contract with her "Bachlorette" pick Jesse Csincsak is up and they have moved on.

DeAnna memorized a bunch of words that were written for her and repeated them to InTouch, "I really felt like I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought he was my fairy-tale ending. But after the show was over and we settled in to our normal lives, I slowly came to realize that we are two totally different people and it wasn't going to work out.

DeAnna is donating her engagement ring to charity, but is not giving up on finding another I still believe in love. More than anything, I want to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with."

Does this mean ABC is going to give this microwaved rutabaga another reality show?! Watching her on TV was like witnessing a snail taking a nap in slow motion. ABC should just air that instead. It's cheaper and filled with more meaning.

After, DeAnna "broke" the OMGSHOCKINGCRAZYINSANEWHAT news to InTouch, Jesse posted this award-winning performance on his YouTube account, explaining the break-up. Jesse digs down and really brings out that raw emotion in his performance. He even said that DeAnna told him "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." They are so fucking deep.

You're not Marylin Monroe, you're not Jessica fucking Simpson or silicone laden Pammy Anderson. Fuck, Heidi! Be yourself. Oh wait, you can't do that, because you're not nearly interesting enough for anyone to pay attention to for more than two minutes...... Wait, I'm paying attention to her.....but just ignore that unimportant fact and let's continue hating her.

And another thing, Heidi! Tell Ceiling Eyes to keep her shirt on, because her eyes aren't the only thing staring at the ceiling. Don't know what I mean? Look up some of her earlier "artistic" work.

Here's the little piece of walking peroxide soaked trash and the equally annoying wad of Nice N' Easy brunette shooting scenes for The Hills at The Grove in L.A. yesterday. Heidi is probably telling Ceiling Eyes how much she loooooves Twatty Pratt and can't wait to marry him in a fake wedding. That's obviously a bunch of caca. She doesn't fake love Twatty. If she did, she wouldn't be (NSFW) trolling craigslist for casual fuck sessions!

SPOILER ALERT! It's not like you give a dirty dildo anyway.

UsWeekly has some BREAKING NEWS! Heidi Montag wasn't always a pre-op horse and they have picture proof (above). No, the real non-news is that Heidi and that girl Lauren Conrad were spotted hugging at STK in Los Angeles last night. Lauren was there to celebrate her first fugly fashion show.

While Spencer was eating a bowl of shit at the bar, Heidi galloped over and asked one of LC's friends if she could hug her. Please. She was probably asking the production assistant if they were ready for the shot.

Heidi was allowed into LC's inner sanctum (smells like beef) and the two smiled, talked and hugged. I smell an EMMY (smells like beef)!!!

Now that Heidi and LC have made up, all wars around the world can now come to an end.

I'm sure we'll see this heartfart reunion on "The Hills." After they air the reunion scene, they will cut to LC going into work and being greeted by the happy robot Whitney. Whitney will say, "Heeeeey. How was your weekend?" LC will reply, "Oh my god. I hugged Heidi last night." Whitney will widen her eyes and say, "Oh my god. Really?" And then she'll get up and push a rack of clothes. End scene.

Here's a few pictures of Twit and Twatty leaving STK last night after the "reunion." She really has a face that only Mr. Ed could love.

Watching SamRo dive into HoHan's crotch would have been more exciting than David Blaine's lame "Dive of Death" last night. TMZ caught up with the royal doofus and asked him what the hell happened. Instead of saying, "I'm a dick bag. I fail at magic," he blamed Dubya's speech on TV last night and the wind. Dubya is to blame for a lot of shit, but David should have come up with a better excuse. He should just have just pulled an Asshole Simpson and blamed his acid reflux.

Master douche David Blaine's latest "stunt" has proven to be a complete waste of everyone's precious time. David announced that he would hang upside down in NYC's Central Park for 60 hours. What he failed to mention was that in that 60 hour period, he would stand on his feet several times during the day to be checked out. David would also be lowered down so that he could talk to the bitches who came to witness his douchebaggery for themselves. So basically, he didn't hang upside down for 60 hours. Xtina's husband, Bat Boy, is offended! He can hang by his feet longer than that shit.

Last night, David's 60 hours were up and he was supposed to "death dive" into the ground. Guess what? He didn't. I know. As soon as you pick yourself up off the ground, continue reading. David's douche dive was something you can see at any community theater production of "Peter Pan." David jumped from the platform while attached to some stupid wires and then he stopped about halfway down. David just hung there for a few seconds and then was whisked off into the night. Unfortunately, he wasn't whisked off of the planet.

This Droopy Dog motherfucker is the fakest faker whoever faked. I know none of us paid to see this shit, but we did waste our time by reading about it on the Internet and/or watching it on TV. For that, David owes us! I want cold hard cash or a front-row seat to his "Dive of Death" redo over the Grand Canyon....without wires.....and with a pack of hungry wolves waiting at the bottom.

Meredith Viera interviewed Lynne Spears on "Today" this morning to talk about her new book "Through the Caca." Basically, Lynne lives in her own world where she bakes cookies all day long like a good mother and really didn't do anything wrong when raising her kids.

In the clip above, Lynne talks about how she wasn't a stage mother. Brit Brit pushed her. When Brit started to become a star, Lynne couldn't travel with her, because she had to stay at home and raise Jamie Lynne. She compares it to sending your kids to college. She said: "You don't really know what they're doing in college ... just as Britney set out two years earlier to be a star."

She said it was all roses and cupcakes at first, but then it all turned when Brit Brit started to lose it. Lynne said she wasn't ready for that. Obviously, she wasn't. That's why she turned around and walked away. Instead of helping out her crazy daughter, she wrote this shit book!

Lynne can't fool me with her soft, Southern voice. Bullshit is still pouring out of her mouth.

And in the clip below, Lynne talks about how she was shocked to learn about Jamie Lynn's pregnancy. I guess she didn't get the hint when she heard her daughter doing sexy times in the next room.

Lynne found out when Jamie Lynn gave her a note that said she was pregnant. The note totally said: "Dear Ma, I done and got knocked up! Oh wells! Kisses and Possums, Jamie Lynn."

After Lynne read the note, she noticed that Casey's feet were on the table (ok?) and that he wasn't looking at her. That's when she broke down and cried. Yeah, cried tears of joy at the thought of all the millions she was going to make off of this pregnancy!

When I first saw these pictures of Nicole Kidman strolling around in London, I thought she was taking a bunch of pillow cases and sheets to the laundromat. And then I noticed the small, little pale hand peeking out. At least, I think it's Sunday's hand....

Here's more of Nicky looking like Jacko in a blonde wig while going into a studio in London. The Daily Mail also has a few pictures of Sunday's little ginge top. Sunday has bit of ginge which mean she MUST be Nicky's bio-baby, right?

What in the "mother of the bride" hell is sleeping on Beyonce's head? Wake it up with a stick. Be careful though, because it might bite your ass. It looks a little hostile.

Beyonce is playing Etta James in a new movie and I guess she decided to keep the act going by wearing her Etta wig during a performance at Fashion Rocks last night. The wig looks more like a cross between Blanche Deveraux and Nancy Reagan. And it looks like wet cornstarch is the only thing keeping that wig on.

You know Solange was cackling backstage with her pocket mouse friend. Solange shouldn't have laughed though. Beyonce already got her ass earlier in the night. More on that later.

During Fashion Rocks, Beyonce joined Mimi, Mary J. Blige, Miley Cyrus and a bunch of other hos to warble through some song called "Just Stand Up." The performance aired during last night's "Stand Up to Cancer" benefit. Basically, except for Mary J. Blige, they all sounded like they had horny hamsters in their throats. When Mary opened her mouth, they all should have politely excused themselves and allowed her to sing the rest. I think Beyonce's wig was trying to make a run for it.

Miley Cyrus should not be allowed to sing....ever again. Bitch sounded like The Chipettes gone reggae. Not a pretty sound.

Here's more pics of Beyonce at Fashion Rocks last night. She also performed with a big fat douche named Justin Timberlake. He should really just go sit in the corner and fuck a bowl of Wheaties.