Brangelina

As soon everybody on the red carpet at last night's GGs got over the shock of seeing Angie Jolie not wearing a laundry bag of a dress in the color of black grave dirt, their blood veins started shaking out of a fear since she had the look of hunger sparkling in her eyes as she dragged Pepaw Brad behind her. Never mind that Angie's dress made her look like a rolled napkin at a Valentine's Day party, I couldn't get past her terrifying vampire face. I know that Angie always looks like she's just been floating above the cobblestones in Transylvania in search of a village virgin to feast on, but last night I wore a garlic choker and a clip-on crucifix nipple ring, because she looked like she was trying to drain my blood with her eyes. Even Vincent Price was like, "Too far, Angie. Too far."

And this skinny ho really needs to do a dollop of Daisy on all the veins she's about to eat from. But before Angie ate all of the children from Modern Family in the parking garage of the Beverly Hilton, I hope she gave Brad a hug. He needed one after his brofriend, George Clooney, went from singing "I only have eyes for Brad" to singing "I only have eyes for Michael Fassbender's peen" while accepting his Best Actor trophy:

“I would like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking over the frontal nude responsibly that I had. Really Michael, honestly, you can play golf like this with your hands behind your back. Go for it man, do it!"

And just like that, Brad's heart crumbled the same way the ground behind George's Italian villa crumbled after he told his contractor to build a private golf course for Michael Assbender and him. Michael Fassbender's peen is the new Brad Pitt.

In the halls of the White House yesterday afternoon, Nivea's "Don't Mess With My Man" blared from Michelle Obama's glamour headquarters as she slathered her face in Vaseline, put on her heaviest rings, stuck razors in her hair and chose the perfect pair of shoes to easily rage out of if need be, because Snagyomangelina Jolie was coming to visit President Obama.

With a boost from Joe Biden (he just happened to be strollin' by), a pap was able to stick their lens over the fence and get pictures of Angie and some hobo hipster visiting Obama in the Oval Office. No, Angie wasn't there to propose a No Tax On Condom Heels Act or Maddox's Ban Beanie Babies Law. Angie was there as a UN Goodwill Ambassador to talk about highly important world issues, durr. And I'm sure Michelle stood in the corner with a "No Hollywood Trick Is Going To Marilyn Monroe Away My Man" smirk on her face.

Click here if these heart-stopping pictures just aren't heart stopping enough for your ass and you need to see them in moving form.

Scientists who study the shedding process of constipated snakes shouted "I know that look!" last night when St. Angie Jolie tried to POSE FOR HER LIFE at last night's 77th Annual New York Film Critics Award Gala. As Brad Pitt, who won Best Actor for Moneyball and Tree of Naps, hobbled along, Angie looked like a smug mouse getting swallowed by a mongoose (some Rikki-Tikki-Tavi shit) when she tried to bless the mere mortals with her holy sexyfaces. Bless this saint and her sexyfaces, because I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt knows what's going on behind her and is trying to tell her that this scene has already been won. I declare the victor:

Harriet Potter: 1
St. Angie: NIL!

For coming in second place, Angie wins a chair to have a permanent seat in! Oh, don't worry, the chair is actually a throne from the ruins of the Holy Temple and it's been cleansed in lamb blood, so she'll feel completely at home.

The In the Land of Blood and Honey had its premiere in NYC last night and just when I was about to type that all these events are solely set up so that St. Angie can show off her vast collection of funeral dresses previously worn by a Golden Girl, the breath from my fingertips was taken by this parbaked meteor of LIPS, BROWS, CORNEAS and HAIRLINE!! crashing onto my screen. James Haven took a break from playing evil tricks on the LazyTown kids, to bring his girlfriend (???) to his lesser than sister's premiere last night. Yes, Mr. & Mrs. Pitt were also there last night (Mr. Pitt is as excited about this movie as I am), but who cares about them when we have James Haven!

James Haven looks like the kind of freak who has been banned from every library for shutting the books on his dick in the aisles. James always has an expression on his face like his peen is in the process of getting smashed (and he doesn't mind it at all) or he just got caught sniffing your armpits while you were taking a nap. We need more of him in this world.

In other highly important news, after weeks of walking by Supercuts' "$15 for a wash & blow" sign, Brad Pitt FINALLY took them up on their offer.

Here's St. Angie, Pax (who is obviously mourning the loss of the Jaws ride at Universal Studios), Zahara and Shiloh getting blinded by the light (and not in a Manfred Mann sort of way) while going to see The Muppets in Manhattan last night. I am a little disappointed that Zahara gave her trademarked up-eye the night off, because she could've easily burst light bulbs and had those paps running for the nearest burn center after she set them on fire. Zahara is a firestarter-in-training. Watch out. One ho who should also watch out for Zahara is Croatian journalist James J. Braddock. JJB is suing St. Angie for allegedly snatching the plot of her movie In the Land of Blood and Honey from a novel he wrote in 2007. James J. Braddock, you in danger, girl, because once the hardcore Brangeloonies are granted a day pass from the mental hospital, they're coming to git you!

In the Land of Blood and Honey is the feel good holiday movie of the year and tells the story of a Muslim who is held captive in a concentration camp during the Bosnian war and falls in love with a Serbian soldier. JJB thinks that plot is a Xerox copy of his novel. According to Radar, JJB's copyright infringement lawsuit against St. Angie states the similarities between his book and her movie:

"The Subject Work’s main female character is subject to continuous abuse and rape by soldiers and officers in the camp. In addition to being raped continuously by soldiers and officers, she is forced to become a servant at the camp headquarters, a duty assumed by very few of the captives. The Motion Picture’s main female character is also subject to continuous rape by soldiers and officers in the camp and subsequently becomes a servant at camp headquarters."

JJB also wrote a really long statement on his website where he gets deep into details and says that St. Angie not only stole from him, but also stole the title of her movie from Martin Van Creveld's The Land of Blood and Honey.

If JJB wants to win this mess of a case then he should do himself a favor and delete his website. That shit does him zero favors. The header looks like something that was burped up from Geocities and he writes about the differences between his book and her movie. You are trying to pull millions of dollars in damages out of Angie's pockets, don't give her the defense. But I still hope this goes to trial. And I also hope that JJB does the right thing by asking the other (and better) JJB to represent him in court. I'm talking about Jim J. Bullock! This whole boring ass lawsuit would be so much more entertaining if Jim J. Bullock was involved.

On Sunday in Culver City, CA, a struggling actor sat in his car before a screening of Moneyball and contemplated killing himself. (Note: Contemplating killing yourself before seeing a Brad Pitt movie is a natural reaction. Kidding.) The man ignored those bad thoughts and went into the theater. While watching the movie, the man felt a renewed sense of hope hug away his suicidal thoughts. During a Q&A with Brad and Jonah Hill afterward, the man brought up his story and the hobo saint sprinkled his words of wisdom all over the crowd. According to UsWeekly and an audience member, this is the sermon that floated out of Brad's bong hole:

"Look, man, life is up and down, it's a vicious cycle, but you have to go through it and deal with that. You can be down, but then you come back up again, and every failure can lead to success."

After the Q&A, Brad found the man in the audience and gave him more words of encouragement. The source added, "Brad handled the situation really well in front of several hundred people -- it was a difficult moment that shocked everyone."

Aaaaaand there's another one to add to the "Brad Pitt Saves Lives" file. That being said, if bravely stood up in front of dozens of people to tell Brad Pitt that I'm depressed and thinking of suicide, I'd expect him to either: a) adopt me on the spot; or b) give me the blunt in his pocket. That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down.

Click here to see the extremely dark (literally) video of Brad's suicide prevention moment. Warning: The sound is so awful that it feels like you're listening to this video through a soup can.

This Thursday, some of us will be shoving shovels full of creamed turkey fat, pumpkin pie filling, canned cranberries, Stove Top cake and blocks of butter into our gluttony holes before we pass out in a 4 hour coma and get up to do it all over again. Once you've swallowed everything in the refrigerator including the light bulb that has a little gravy splash on it, you might want curb your carb-spree and go on of those du-du-du-diet things. Well, Grazia Magazine (via DM) might have the right diet for you (no, they don't). One of their unnamed sources say that if you want arms as skinny as Courtney Stodden's lizard tongue and veins that are trying to escape from your body because they are so damn HONGRAY, then stock up on coconut oil and go on the St. Angie diet.

The source says that St. Angie weighs under 100 pounds and she has her 600 calorie a day diet to thank for that. Contrary to what the Bible tells us, St. Angie doesn't only eat the fear Brad Pitt gives off when her hypnotic vagina tries to chomp his other ball off. St. Angie actually eats food and here's a sample of what she eats on a daily basis:

Breakfast: A spoonful of coconut oil and a handful of cereal
Lunch: A few almonds and some Gummy Bears, or a protein shake
Dinner: Steak and wine!

The source also makes it clear to add heaping amounts of stress to this diet if you really want it to work. They explained, "Yes, stress plays a part. She is the type of person who drops weight when she's stressed out. She simply loses her appetite and can survive on almost nothing. But a lot of people are worried that she is taking things too far and that she won't have the strength to do all the things she wants to do if she doesn't gain some weight. Everyone has been begging her to eat more and she is trying not to get any skinnier, but unfortunately she just doesn't seem to be putting on any more weight."

But really, 600 calories. I gained 600 calories just from typing the first sentence in this post. That can't be right. St. Angie probably weighs more than 100 pounds and I'm she eats more than 600 calories a day since Maddox spikes the gallons of virgin blood she drinks with Ensure. Maybe she just carries most of her weight in her arm veins?

The future of cinema stood on a chair and slipped its head in a noose yesterday when Benjamin Buttons declared that he'll turn in his SAG card when his 50th birfday rolls around in 3 years. Crazed Brangeloonies who can't leave their houses due to a court order hired professional mourners to weep at the Hollywood sign and the MGM lion let out a "WHY ME?!!!!" roar. Well, everybody can get off the ledge, because Brad Pitt was just talking out of his bong again. During a press conference in South Korea for his movie Testicle Bank, Brad told everyone to calm their assholes, because bitch ain't retiring. From The Telegraph:

"I wasn't actually putting an exact deadline on my expiration date [in Australia's 60 Minutes interview], but I see it coming. I just have other interests and I do quite enjoy the production side," he said.

He also added that given the choice, he would take the wisdom that comes with ageing, over youth.
"Me, personally I like ageing. With age comes wisdom and I have said it before and I say it again, I will take wisdom over youth any day. I think certainly, being a father has changed everything for me as far as perspective and interest, taking care of myself and wanting to be around for them," he said.

What Brad should've said is, "I WAS STONED OFF MY BRAINZ!" Before that 60 Minutes interview, Brad smoked so much of the good shit that his mouth lips when numb and his ass had to do the talking yet again. I understand. I do that on this blog every day. That's why Brad's dumb ass should think, and then ask a publicist to approve it, before he speaks.

And call me new-fashioned, but doesn't "taking care" of yourself involve getting your hair degreased at Jiffy Lube every now and again? Believe it or not, "Diane Keaton as Pig Pen" is not the look. No offense to Diane Keaton and Pig Pen.

In "How Will We EVAH Go On?!" news, Brad Pitt dramatically announced that he will take his final bow on the acting stage in three years when he turns 50. After Brad declared his date with retirement, he held up his arms and prepared himself for the booming sound of crazed Brangeloonies ripping their straitjackets off with their bare teeth to run up to the Hollywood sign and push it down the hill while proclaiming that the world of cinema is dead now that their king is no longer going to grace the silver screen. But that didn't happen. The only sound Brad heard was the sound of the lone bonghead in the room quietly weeping to himself, because now it looks like we'll never get a sequel to the stoner masterpiece Cool World.

During an interview with Australia's 60 Minutes (via E! News), Brad was asked how many more years of doing acting shit does he have in him. Brad said, "Three years. I am really enjoying the producing side and development of stories and putting those pieces together. Getting stories to the plate that might have had a tougher times otherwise."

Brad also says that he doesn't know if they're going to add another member to the holy child army.

HOBO, PLEASE! I see what Brad is trying to do here. Sorry, Brad, basically saying that we better cherish every one of your movies since you're going to quit the game in three years is not going to make me buy a ticket to Moneyball, so sit your mouth over a full bong and stop threatening me with a good time. Besides, Brad retiring from using shampoo is much more upsetting than Brad retiring from acting.

Camera lenses and the souls of a dozen paparazzos were among the casualties from the first-degree upper cut shank eye Zahara threw as she stomped through the airport in Tokyo today with her army. You can almost hear the sound of cracked glass and smell the scent of singed eyelashes from here. When Zahara looks up, you better drop your weapon and get down on the floor. As the late great Bernie Mac would say: "She look at me like I'm short!"