Brangelina

The professional listmakers at Forbes put together their annual "Hollywood's Top-Earning Actresses" issue and predictably these two twats were at the top. Maddox's nemesis made $25 million last year, but it still wasn't enough for the #1 slot. That went to St. Angie who brought in around $27 million. You know St. Angie really made less, but she asked God for a loan so that she could move ahead. But the joke will be on her after she sees God's interest rates.

Forbes says that Angie made a shit load for Wanted and also got a big upfront payment for her upcoming movie Salt. Jenny made most of her cash from Friends residuals and that movie about the doggy with the red Xes on his eyes.

Somewhere in the world, Robin Givens and Juliette Lewis are simultaneously scratching their heads wondering what went wrong, because they both gnawed on Brad Pitt's taint. Together, they probably made $27 in Arby's coupons last year.

Here's the rest of Forbes list. There's really something wrong in the world when Kate Winslet is bringing in less coin than the bitch who was in Forces of Nature.

1: St. Angie - $27 million
2: Jenny Aniston - $25 million
3: Meryl Streep - $24 million
4: Sarah Jessica Pony - $23 million
5: Pizza Face Diaz - $20 million
6: Sandra Bullock - $15 million
7: Reese Witherspoon - $15 million
8: Nicole Kidman - $12 million
8: Drew Barrymore - $12 million
10: Squinty Zellweger - $10 million
11: Cate Blanchett - $8 million
12: Anne Hathaway - $7 million
12: Halle Berry - $7 million
14: ScarJo - $5.5 million
15: Kate Winslet - $2 million

VIA The Hollywood Reporter

That picture of the twin messiahs! HA! If the "second coming of Jesus" job doesn't work out for them, they should really star in old timey silent-movies. They have the "SHOCK! WHA?! WHO? BAM!" face down. Mary Pickford wishes! Now on to business.

Ever since a chorus of angels carried the twin chosen ones down from heaven on a bed made from God's beard, we haven't seen much of them. I figured they were too busy finding the cure for cancer in their own saliva or writing the sequel to War & Peace. Life & Style says this isn't the case. According to some sources, Knox is bulimic and Vivi is allergic to peons. Basically.

The source said, "They’re both hypersensitive. Knox has trouble holding down his food. He spits up nearly every meal." As for Vivi, she has food and environmental allergies, "Right now, she’s on a lactose and gluten-free diet, and she’s still underweight. Because of their delicate state, Knox and Vivienne need to be kept away from anything they could possibly be allergic to. That’s a lot easier to do when they’re home and in a controlled environment.”

Yeah, some of this is hard to believe. Messiahs don't eat food. They just lick themselves for sustenance. You know, the whole "body of Christ" thing. However, I do believe that they are allergic to us "normal" people. It probably stings their holy eyes when they have to look at commoners who don't have glowing halos over their heads.

Brad and Jen are back together! Brad and Jen are getting married again! Brad and Jen are having triplets together! Brad and Jen adopt Maddox! At least that's what I'm thinking the next 4 covers of Star Magazine are going to look like. This week, Brad and Jen had a super secret meeting and the limo driver is spilling the sauce. No, the limo driver's name is not Norman.

The limo driver claims he drove Jennifer Aniston to the Gramercy Park Hotel in NYC at 1am to meet Brad. The limo driver said the two spent a couple of hours together in the back of the private roof club. The driver went on to yap, "It was well planned so no one would see them. They were really careful not to be spotted."

Let me get this straight. They don't want to get caught yet they meet on the rooftop of a hotel? An open roof?! Don't they know that God has eyes? Don't they also know that St. Angie is on God's Fave Five? It just takes one quick text message and their shit is EXPOSED! Creeping around: They are doing it wrong!

And after reading this story, I feel like this is a sign that Brad and Jennifer should star in a remake of My Chauffeur. My brain always goes back to the 80s. Always.

Here's Brangie's fuckery on 3 more covers this week. Can the tabloids please find a way to get Brad to leave St. Angie for Megan Fox? That's where this is headed....

Have your eyeballs been feeling a little out of shape and flabby? Do they have love handles? Do their tummies jiggle when they walk? Well, you're in luck, because here's a little article that will get them rolling. Feminist Naomi Wolf wrote a piece for Harper's Bazaar about how Saint Angelina Jolie is the greatest thing since self-lubricating dildos. Slip on your sweat band, it's time for eyeball calisthenics again!

The piece is titled: "Why Women Want Angelina Jolie's Life"

Angie is the most gorgeous woman on the planet: "Bosomy and wasp-waisted, with that curtain of hair and those crazy pillowy lips, she is an obvious male sex fantasy...Polls also show that if women — not just lesbian and bisexual women but straight women — had to choose a female lover, they would want to sleep with Angelina Jolie. In other words, women both identify with her and desire her."

Angie is more than just a gorgeous face: "There’s something more than a simply physical response. Her persona hits an unprecedented level of global resonance — and makes women want to be with her and be her at the same time — because she has created a life narrative that is not just personal. Rather, it is archetypal. And the archetype is one that really, for the first time in modern culture, brings together almost every aspect of female empowerment and liberation."

Angie can get away with being sexy and a symbol of goodness: "The magic of Jolie’s self-presentation? She makes the claim, with her life and actions, that, indeed, you can get away with it. All of it . Against every Western convention, she has managed to draw together all of these kinds of female liberation and empowerment. And her gestures determinedly transgress social boundaries — boundaries of convention, race, class, and gender — giving many of us a vicarious thrill. When the megascandal took place — Jolie’s alleged seduction of a married man, Brad Pitt, on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith — it could have been the end of Jolie as a role model. But she managed the almost unheard-of task of turning the home-wrecker label into a wholesome, family-friendly triumph."

Angie knows how to fly a plane: "Women are so used to being dependent on others (certainly on men) for where they go, metaphorically, and how they get there. Flying a private plane is the classic metaphor for choosing your own direction; usually, that is a guy thing to do, yet there was Jolie, with her aviator glasses on, taking flying lessons so she could blow the mind of her four-year-old son."

Angie is a lover: "Equally ostentatiously in her role as lover, she took for her own pleasure the male seen as the most desired of the tribe, Brad Pitt, who is always ranked at the top of indexes of male beauty and virility. As for the constraints of social convention — ahem, he was still married? You can have a variety of feelings about this, but Jolie’s evident disdain of that social constraint certainly, for better or worse, put her in the same self-entitled category as those men who have traditionally taken what they wanted and let the emotional chips fall where they may."

Final barfness: "So she becomes what psychoanalysts call an 'ego ideal' for women — a kind of dream figure that allows women to access, through fantasies of their own, possibilities for their own heightened empowerment and liberation."

You can read the entire article (yes, there's more) at Harper's Bazaar. I'm going to warn you that your eyeballs may fall off and roll away. Seriously, it felt like I was reading someone's diary. I bet Naomi sleeps next to a jar full of Angie's hair which she got on eBay. But I feel the same way about Shauna Sand. Just substitute the name "Angelina Jolie" for "Shauna Sand" and this entire essay would make sense.

And just for the record, as a strictly dickly bitch, I can say that Angelina Jolie is not the chick I'd go lesbian for. Her vagina would probably cast a spell on more or take a chunk out of my taint. No gracias.

VIA People

In today's holy Brangie news, they are getting married and also sleeping in separate bedrooms! The two go hand in hand. Let's start with the latter.... And we're off!

The Daily Mail says that St. Angie and Willy Pitt have been not only sleeping in different beds (early I Love Lucy-style), but in different houses! The holy family has been living at the Seacroft Estate on Long Island, NY while St. Angie films that movie about paprika or whatever. The property has an enormous main house and 8 surrounding houses. While Brad prefers to stay in the main house with their child army, St. Angie prefers to sleep in the beach house. A source said, "They would often sleep as far away from each other as possible, not even in separate bedrooms but in separate houses. Angelina spent most of her time in one of the annexes while Brad lived in the main house with its ten bedrooms."

The source went on to say that Brad is hardly with his family which doesn't help his toilet floater of a relationship with Angie, "Angie has been working really long hours on her movie and Brad hasn’t been there (on Long Island) all that much. It’s put a huge strain on them."

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation as to why they are sleeping in separate houses. I'm guessing that Jesus likes to visit late at night on the down low and gossip with Angie about the other saints. They make cookies, braid each other's hair and giggle. It keeps Brad awake. And when Angie is ready to go to bed, it's hard to fall asleep with Brad's no-nut area whimpering at all hours of the night. Or maybe their egos together is too much for one house to handle.

On the other side of the coin, The Daily Mirror says their relationship is all kittens and rainbows, because they are getting married this summer in New Orleans! Well, maybe it's not all cupcakes, because Angie only wants to make it legal to end the break-up rumors. A close friend said, “Usually it’s Brad who wants to talk marriage. But this time it was Angie. An aide sent them all the Press clippings about their ‘relationship problems’ and Angelina said it was probably best if they married to put an end to the stories. Brad’s face lit up – he was thrilled.”

Well, they can't stand to sleep in the same HOUSE together, so marriage seems like the logical next step! They're already living like they've been married for years.

While I was going through old pictures of Angie Jo before she became a saint, I found this jewel from 1998. It made me miss the old Angie. Look at her just sitting there in her polyester-blend suit. The Angie of yesterday could easily have a Chico's kind of day and love every minute of it. The Angie of today doesn't ever have days like that anymore. Come on, Angie. Slip into a Chico's suit and give us a smile while posing in front of a palm tree. It cures all. Sigh. Now on to Angie and Oprah's cock fight for power....

After two years, Oprah's reign as the most powerful of all on Forbes' The Celebrity 100 list has come to an end. Oprah was pushed off her throne by Angelina Jolie. Even though Oprah made $275 million last year and Angie made $27 million, the latter managed to whore herself out more in the media. Forbes' list is based on media exposure and earnings.

Rounding out the top 10 is:

3. Vadge ($110 million)
4. Beyonce ($87 million)
5. Tiger Woods ($110 million)
6. Bruce Springsteen ($70 million)
7. Steven Spielberg ($150 million)
8. Jennifer Aniston ($25 million)
9. Brad Pitt ($28 million)
10. Spaghetti Cat (a couple of dried noodles)

St. Angie may rule the sun and the moon, but I still don't think that's enough for her to be considered more powerful than THE MIGHTY O. In a battle to the death between St. Angie's child army and Oprah's army of crazy menopausal audience members led by Gayle King, we know who would win. All Oprah has to do is throw one of her free "favorite things" on Angie and cackle as her followers devour the saintly one whole.

Brangie's rep, Hermes, tells People that the story about them breaking up is "not true." Yesterday, The National Enquirer said the holy union was officially over, but that they would keep up appearances for the sake of humanity. They know that the world would not survive their split. Every Brangaloonie would break out of their insane asylum and stampede the streets causing the Earth to crash into the sun. Brangie is carrying the future of civilization on their shoulders and they know this.

A source (aka a Brangaloonie with telephone privileges) also shot down the Enquirer's story to UsWeekly, "They have their fights and moments, but generally things are good. They are happy -- and Brad loves being a father!"

So they say they are still ruling the world with their powerful love, but why is it still raining here? Is God's fax machine out of paper? Or maybe they really are over and he knows the truth. The tears from heaven don't lie. Wait. Or maybe they are still together and THAT IS WHY he's crying. Oh shit. That would be what they call a "twist and turn."

Hmmmm...At least that's what The National Enquirer is saying, but it's not raining outside. If this was true, God, the angels and the saints above would not stop weeping ever. They would flood the planet with their tears and we'd be forced to live in underwater cities. Actually, that sounds kind of hot. But I digress.

The Enquirer is saying that it's totally and completely over between St. Angie Jo and BENJAMIN BUTTON'S. Some source said that Brad is spending his time in California while Angie finishes that movie about white grains in New York. When she finishes filming, she's going to take her child army to France. A source called it an "OFFICIAL" split. They went on to yap, "Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he'll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split."

The source said that the straw that broke the Angie's back --- Wait, a piece of straw could totally break her back, right? Like literally. Okay, back to the source. They said that Brangie's last moment together at the Cannes Film Festival was completely staged. They acted all lovely for the cameras, but they were both "over it" on the inside. That's when Angie gave Brad his nuts back and send him on his way.

The National Enquirer has been right before, but if this shit was true, they would devote an entire issue to this. Shit, they would change their name to BRANGIE IS DEAD Enquirer.

In other news, a crazed woman wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses and a t-shirt with the words "You Are So Uncool" written on the front was seen buying every copy of The Enquirer and muttering to herself "Take that, Maddox. Take that, Maddox...."

Eli Roth, Brad Pitt's Inglourious Basterds co-star, told People that Maddox's favorite carrier knows that the only way you can get fresh and clean is with a baby wipe. Eli said, "After a scene, Brad had to get next to me for a close-up shot, and he said, 'Damn, you're ripe,' I said, 'I didn’t have time to shower.' He said, 'Baby wipes, man, baby wipes. I got six kids. All you've got to do is just take them, a couple quick wipes under the pits. Man, I'm getting pissed on all day. I don't have time to take a shower.'"

If you happen to see Terrence Howard standing outside of Brad Pitt's window with a bouquet made of baby wipes, you now know why. Terry's life-long search for the perfect bride is over. There's finally a human being that really understands him on a deep level. Specially, understands and appreciates his love of baby wipes. Because toilet paper is NEVER enough.

Saint Angie was over on Long Island doing a stunt for that condiment movie when she busted her head and started bleeding between her eyes. STIGMATA!!!!

TMZ says that God traveled down from heaven in an ambulance carried by the angels and healed St. Angie with just a touch. Before he flew away, they had a quick chat about the twin messiahs entering (SPOILER ALERT: and winning) the Scripps Speeling Bee next year.

The movie's production company released this statement: "This morning while filming an action sequence... Angelina Jolie sustained a minor injury. As a precautionary measure, Ms. Jolie will be taken to the hospital and examined. Production on the film has resumed."

Basically, the Patron Saint of Everything is going to be fine. Shucks. You'll get her next time, Aniston.