Jeremy Piven

You'd think that Miley Cyrus' Ma's Roadhouse voice would prevent her from spending quality time with Jeremy Piven since it has the power to sand an old plug right out of a scalp, but the two have overcome this obstacle! Jeremy realized that he should make a friendship bracelet (out of fish bones and toupee hair) for Miley when the two bonded while filming So Undercover in New Orleans. Miley was just voted for the worst celebrity influence of 2010 for the second year in a row, so Jeremy better watch it before she completely corrupts his forever innocent ass ("Jeremy's ass isn't that innocent." - a traumatized butt plug).

While promoting one of his movies at Sundance last night, Jeremy told E! News that he thinks he's an 18-year-old girl trapped in a douchebag, "I think I must be an 18-year-old girl because we got along really well. It was just so much fun. I had so much fun with her and we had great chemistry. It was really really weird—we're like polar opposites. You know, you can judge her, but what were you doing when you were 18? She's kind of amazing. There's something so incredibly refreshing about someone who is exactly who they are. There's nothing pretentious about her. She's this force. She loves to laugh."

"She loves to laugh" is the G-rated translation for "She loves to hit the bong." I love to laugh too. You know, Jeremy has had so much 18-year-old girl DNA on his body that he probably is turning into one, which is why he feels so close to Miley. But seriously, Jeremy knows where the party's at. On a given night at the Cyrus house, you can find Billy Ray spraying moonshine from a keg at Tish during their family wet t-shirt contest while Noah plays Khia's "Been the Shit" on a banjo! Jeremy wants in! It's a shame that Doucheville isn't a foreign country, because if it was the Cyrus' could take him in as their exchange student.

With all the half-nekkid celebwhores running around during Memorial Day Weekend, I was hoping we'd get a little Silver Fox nipple in our lives, or maybe a peek of Carrot Top's root. But I don't think that's going to happen, so we'll have to settle for mercury poison survivor Jeremy Piven and his tear-away titties for now.

You know, there's a good reason for why Jeremy Piven asks his butt waxer to do his whole body. Where do you think that beaver's ass (copyright: Sister Patterson) comes from? It not only looks like nipple pubes and nalgas fur, it IS nipple pubes and nalgas fur.

And yeah, I still would...

Jeremy Piven needs to go back to the first grade so he can learn all about The Food Chart again, because dude does not know how to balance his diet. Jeremy already claims that eating too many sea kittens gave him Mercury Poisining. Now he's saying that drinking massive amounts of soy milk has given him a pair of luscious moobs.

Jeremy told STV (via Digital Spy), "I was the guy that dabbled in soya milk, but now I've found out soya milk has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts, I had to put the soya milk down. It was a very confusing time."

It's strange to me that Jeremy Piven would NOT want a pair of delectable titty sacks. I mean, that way he could grope a pair of breasts without being slapped or having to put a few hundred dollars on the nightstand. I don't believe he put down the soy milk.

You just know that Jeremy is secretly giving himself soy leche enemas and bathing in it whenever he can. Jeremy has found the FOUNTAIN OF CHICHIS and he's going to take complete advantage of it.

In other news, Christina Hendricks has just been announced as the official spokeschichis for soy milk.

Okay, not a "world-class" athlete, but she is a "Malibu-class" athlete, because she completed a triathlon there this past weekend. When Teri Snatcher crossed the finish line, her mom, The Snapple Lady, immediately gave her a congratulatory nuzzle. Or maybe Teri smelled like a tuna melt and her momma was trying to get a good whiff. Who knows!

Other celebwhores who took part in the Malibu Triathlon were William H. Macy (who was there for an Emmy), Mario Lopez (who was there because he needed another excuse to take his top off), Jeremy Piven (who was there for the fish) and The Hoff (who was there for the...for the...why was he there?).

And I'm pleased to announce that next year I will host the first annual Dlisted triathalon! Booze, bong and blow your way to victory!

Jeremy Piven is so brave. After nearly DYING (not really) from the fish flu (aka mercury poisoning), Jeremy brought his deflated titties out to hang out near the fish. No, I'm not talking about the trick he's with, I'm talking about him being so close to the ocean.

You know, Jeremy needs to calm down on the waxing shit. I know he wants a chest as smooth as a baby's taint, but it looks like he's going too far. I mean, some of his chest skin is missing! Bitch is waxing it right off! And his chichis look mighty weepy, because they are sick of being nekkid all the time. They want some damn privacy.

That being said, I'd hit that shit in a tub full of NADS. WELL, Jeremy Piven is the most popular guess of many kinky blind items, so I'd want to see if that shit is true. Call it investigative reporting!

I love a good bitch fight, but this is not one. This is kind of sad. Just picture tiny Chris Kattan and little Jeremy Piven barking at each other backstage at Alexa Chung's MTV show. Gatecrasher reports that it all started when Chris rolled in on his Big Wheel, skipped up to Jeremy and said, "So, what are you here to promote, your Broadway play?" Of course, Chris was making fun of how Jeremy dropped out of a play, because he ate too much fish. Jeremy wasn't about to let Chris ZING him like that, so he put down his dolly and fired back, "Well, what are you here to promote? Mango?" BURN! Grab your lunchbox and take a seat, because it's about to be a TODDLER FIGHT!

The two went back and forth for a little bit, but shit got real when Jeremy delivered a low blow by making fun of Chris' "in the gutter" career. That's when Chris realized that Jeremy wasn't playing around, but that he was doing that shit for real. Chris called a time out and told Jeremy that he was just making harmless fish jokes. It wasn't not funny (copryright Tammy from The Real World: Los Angeles) to Jeremy. Before grabbing his dolly and going off to sulk in a corner, he shouted at Chris, "I'm getting sued for that shit! It's not funny!"

15 minutes later, Chris tried to say he was sorry about the whole thing, but Jeremy wouldn't listen and shut the door in his face! Jeremy's spokeswhore laughed off the whole thing and said he knew it was just jokes. But Chris' spokeswhore said something totally different: "Chris mistakenly asked Jeremy if he was there to promote his play and Piven fired back with 'What are you here to promote, Mango?' Chris tried to apologize."

Okay, okay. I take it back. This is a good bitch fight. It's also pretty fucking hilarious. It's like watching my chihuahua growl and snarl at his stuffed toy like he's really ferocious. It makes you go "awwww" in the heart. The same goes with Chris and Jeremy. If only they were wearing little elf costumes. Then it would really be cute. And I'm surprised this fight when on that long. It would be pretty easy to break it up. Someone over 5'7" just had to walk over pick them both up by the collars and then plop 'em back in the sandbox with their toys.

Jeremy Piven is in NYC to continue arbitration with the producers of Speed of the Plow. The producers want Piven to pay up for abruptly bouncing out of the show causing ticket sales to dive. Piven cried "mercury poisoning", because he claims he ate too much sushi. (Insert Pig Pen pussy joke here).

The producers think something in the milk ain't clean about that whole mercury poisoning crap, but it's a serious matter for Piven. Piven told Michigan Avenue Magazine (via Page Six) that the real truth about the dangers of mercury will soon be revealed, "The Obama administration came out and said the No. 1 chemical problem in the world is mercury . . . there will be a lot of documentaries coming out showing what happens when you have too much mercury in your system." Then Piven joked, "It sounds like some crazy rich man's disease."

Maybe Piven had a little mercury poisoning, but the real reason why he quit that bitch had to do with the permanent case of douche flu he suffers from. And the cokey-litis he comes down with every now and again didn't help matters.

It's like when a dumb ho calls in sick to work and you know they are really just going to the beach to sun their nalgas. Then they come in the next day whining about how they were on death's door. You try not to slap their ass while staring at their new natural blonde highlights and sunburn. Piven, I can see your new highlights and sunburn. Just stop!

SPOILER ALERT: The "dumb ho" was me.

Jeremy Piven is the Kanye West of cable TV, but less cappy and filled with many more gallons of douchewater. Jeremy did a photo shoot with Page Six Magazine back in September to promote the Broadway play he later quit because he had rotten fish in his system or some shit.

The Piv was such a mega asstard during the shoot that Page Six Magazine has an article in this week's issued called: "Is Jeremy Piven the biggest jerk in showbiz?” The answer is brought to you by the letters: Y-E-S.

They say that at the shoot, The Piv was asked to pose for just a normal headshot. He answered, “This isn’t my first time on the merry-go-round. You want mediocre? I can give you mediocre.” Yeah, Jeremy, I've seen a couple of episodes of Cupid.

After about an hour of The Piv not giving it his all, he ducked under the camera, let out a "gutteral moan," ripped the sleeves off an Armani shirt and gave us the picture above. The GREATNESS inside his soul was finally able to pour out. Too bad all the shit he's got in there didn't come pouring out too.

The gutteral moan probably came from the jumbo stick of Mercury that's shoved up his colon. And he totally looks like he's suffering from the hard shits in that picture. Push that stick out so the caca river can flow, Piv.

Is mercury like a new fucking drug I haven't heard about. Like if you snort bad fish dust does it give you an amazing high or something? Because Jeremy Piven has dropped out of the Broadway play Speed-the-Plow because of mercury poisoning. Wait. Is that the new street name for coke? Seriously, I'm confused.

Jeremy skipped out on Tuesday's show and yesterday's matinee claiming he was feeling gross and sickly. Later on in the day, it was announced that Jeremy would not be coming back due to his doctor's orders that he stop performing in the show immediately. The show will run until February and they will announce a replacement soon.

David Mamet, writer of Speed-the-Plow and other amazing plays, joked about Jeremy bouncing out of his show early: "I talked to Jeremy on the phone and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury. So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."

That wouldn't be such a bad career move seeing as though he's probably up anyone and everyone's ass any chance he gets.

I was a little confused about the whole mercury thing, so I googled some shit and found that you can get it from bad fish. That's what the douchebag gets for sucking on any dirty coochie that comes along.

Source: E! Online

Okay, I asked for Kelly Osbourne's ATM pin a while ago and nobody got it for me. I'm giving you a second chance with Jeremy Piven. Last thumbnail. Yeah, it's impossible. You know what's the worst part about going to the ATM? Every now and again there's always one bitch who does not stand behind the invisible line. Your supposed to give a bitch some space and sometimes I will get some heifer breathing down my ass. Why can't people just stand behind the invisible line?! That's what it's there for.

I'm done ranting. Here's Jeremy Piven at an ATM in NYC at 3 this morning. Weeeeeed money. I'm totally digging his insurance salesman ensemble.