Avril Lavigne

No, this is not a page from the "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" clearance section of a Russian brides catalog that caters to gerontophile gentlemen who are in the market for a pre-owned model. This is Lindsay Lohan (on the left) and White Oprah (on the right) looking like if Jerri Blank brought Aunt Magda as her date to her winter formal. If Florida public access did a low-budget version of The Real Housewives of Boca, this is what it would look like.

Blohan and White Oprah peeled themselves out from under the heat lamp on the Sizzler buffet line and Crisco-ed themselves into the finest gowns from Frederick's to watch Kim Kardashian make a Geico caveman her second husband (and counting). Kim's invitation said that all hos must only wear black and/or white, so it's not like Blohan tried to hump the spotlight away from the bride. I wouldn't put it past her, but she had more important things to worry about. Like trying to sneak as many centerpieces into the trunk of her car so she can sell them later on eBay.

To see more priceless and coked up pictures of the Orange Chicken Sisters, click over to ONTD or Gossip Center. Those who don't already know will probably spend a few minutes trying to figure out which one came out of the other one's vagina. They're both on the wrong side of 48. But my favorite part of those pictures isn't that they both have the complexion of a chicharone. It's that they both obviously looked into the mirror of delusion and said at the same time, "Damn, bitch, we're going to make dicks rise tonight!"

Here's more pictures from Kim's second pre-divorce ceremony of her bridesmaids, Gaycrest, Julianne Hough, Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne. This mess looks like one of Charlie Chaplin's black & white bowel movements.

The Toronto Star reports that Khuram Sher, a 28-year-old Canadian doctor, was arrested early this morning as part of a terrorism investigation by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service. And as soon as the news about Khuram's arrest hit, this clip of him auditioning on Canadian Idol two years ago started making the rounds. Khuram sings out his rendition of Avril Lavigne's "Complicated" and moonwalks across the floor. While Khuram sits in a jail cell, Avril Lavigne is still making music. What part of the game is this?

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

Michael Lohan, E*Trade, sanity and soap aren't Lindsay Lohan's only arch rivals. Apparently, the pride of Canada Avril Lavigne is also feeling the wrath of Blohan (feels like a hot bath in the Rock of Love Bus septic tank).

Page Six says that Avril, who is eternally a 13-year-old MySpace slut, is mad at LiLo for ignoring her at an event a while ago. Most people run home, light their saint candles and say a "thank you" prayer to the gods above whenever LiLo ignores them, but Avril felt the opposite. So when LiLo tried to play nice with her at the Chateau Marmont the other night, Avril threw shit right back at her which led to a public display of patheticness.

A witness-type says, "Avril was at a table with friends just over a week ago including her boyfriend, Brody Jenner, when Lindsay came over to say hi. But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said: 'Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don't like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.' Lindsay was furious and screamed back: 'Don't threaten me!' She then stormed off to security and tried to get them to kick Avril out. They refused to force Avril to leave. Lindsay eventually stormed off."

First of all, LiLo should curtsy and say thank you to anybody who calls her a fake loser, because that is probably the nicest thing anyone has said to her in MONTHS. Second of all, Avril Lavigne was most likely wearing a "Sk8R Gurlz Do It Better" trucker cap and sipping on an Ed Hardy energy drink, so she is only allowed to use the word loser if she's looking in a mirror. AND Avril is humping on Brody Jenner!

If the word loser had legs and arms, it would've ricocheted off of Lilo and drop kicked Avril in the mouth. Avril and LiLo both need to fuck a faucet, because the Fake and Loser store is out of both of them.

Besides, didn't these two get the memo that the Chateau Marmont is not the place for creatures of irrelevancy to battle it out. Dancing with the Has-Beens is! Tuck your meat and take it to the dancefloor!

Here I was going through pictures of Avril Lavigne and her ex-husband Deryck Whibley being gross together after the Alice in Wonderland premiere in London last night, when I came across this beautiful photo of Michael Kors' hernia asking the punk fart princess to autograph a picture of a possum holding a Jello mold. This seems more than fitting since Avril has the personality of a Jello mold and the singing voice of a screeching baby possum.

And for those of you whispering in my ear that Avril is autographing a still from a movie she did voice stuff for, I just have to say: "Yayayayayayaya...I'm not listening.....let me believe!"

Here's more of Avril and a balding Sonic the Hedgehog last night. Yeah, I guess they are licking each other's butt holes again. This week, anyway.

If you want your ears to grow a protective layer of hair of around themselves just listen to Avril Lavigne's song for the Alice in Wonderland soundtrack. You will want to swallow every blue pill and throw yourself down ANY hole.

The "hyena getting castrated with a butter knife" wail coming out of Avril's mouth is probably the same sound an angsty Emo tween makes when his parents delete his MySpace page.

Avril Lavigne has already spread her maple syrup all over that hedgehog from Sum 41, human sweat rag Brandon Davis, and now she's fucking on Brody Jenner. At this rate, it won't be long before Avril is giving her Canadian bacon to Jon Gosselin's 3-inch fetus dick and then the Ed Hardy circle jerk will be complete.

Anyways, E! News says that Avril and Brody have been quietly mixing fluids for the past couple of weeks. The source says, "They're hooking up. but they're keeping it low-key. You can tell they're into each other and both like to have a good time. They're cute together."

Translation: Avril and Brody are drunk and high 99% of the day. I mean, does this source really expect me to believe that Brody is happier without the swollen Collagen puff that is Jayden Nicole in his life:

That's a trick question.

(Images via Splash, Wireimage)

In news you could smell (an intense odor of maple syrup covered condoms and irrelevancy) from ten thousand miles away, Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from her husband of 3 years Deryck Whibley. Avril named "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why their marriage is now just a cold lump in the litter box. In the world of Avril, I'm pretty sure "irreconcilable differences" means that she loves the bottle more than she loves Deryck. Understandable.

According to Radar, Avril isn't asking for a monthly check from Deryck, but she also doesn't want to give him one either. Avril says that September 4th was the day she stopped dying Deryck's dick bush with Manic Panic.

It seems that Avril has already found a new dick to keep her Emily the Strange lunchbox warm at night. Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) says that Avril has been living in Hawaii with the heir to a canned pineapple empire. Some source said that Avril is getting dicked by Dole Food Company billionaire Justin Murdock. The source added, “Avril and Justin have been to Hawaii together but mostly they’ve been holed up at his place."

Let me get this straight, Avril is fucking on a billionaire who probably devours pineapple by the pound? You know what they say about bitches who eat pineapple! So, not only does the dude fart money, but he also has Penis Colada on tap. Dude is way too good for the punk fart princess.

Last month, it was reported that the punk fart princesses' marriage to Sonic the Douchehog was headed for the gutter, because he just couldn't take her being a drunken skank anymore. Well, UsWeekly says that Avril Lavigne has pink slipped (not in a sexy way either) Deryck Whibley and evicted him from their mansion in Bel Air. Queef like you care.

A source said that Avril will drop divorce papers in Deryck's lap any day now, "She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on. Divorce papers will be filed any day now."

29-year-old Deryck and 25-year-old Avril made it legal around 3 years ago.

I don't blame Avril. Having a pesky ring on your finger gets in the way of passing the pussay to every booze bottle and dick around town. Just replace that wedding ring with a clit ring and she's good to go!

And now I must file for divorce from the short bus anthem "SK8R Boi." Every time I see Avril's male syrupy face, that stupid ass song fucks me in the brains repeatedly....without protection.

Avril Lavigne hasn't really been in the spotlight for a while, because she's been busy scuba diving in a Jack Daniels bottle. Or maybe people just can't be bothered to lift their heads to see what she's been up to. I don't know. But I do know that Gatecrasher is saying that the rumors about her 3-year-old marriage to Deryck Whibley being in the shit hole are true. Avril and Deryck haven't been photographed together since last year and sources are saying it's because he doesn't approve of her drunken slutty ways.

This past weekend, Avril was spotted in Southampton partying with anybody with a peen. When a few paps got pictures of her with other dudes, Avril demanded that they delete that shit so there wouldn't be any evidence. Earlier in the summer, Avril was in St. Tropez without her husband and bitches were saying that she was acting like she wasn't married.

Oh, poor Deryck. Dude already looks like a bulldog's ass after getting penetrated with a taser gun, so I'm sure he looks extra grisly when he gets the sads. Deryck should definitely drop The Big D on Avril and present this evidence to the divorce judge:

That's Avril with Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis. GUILTY!!!!!!! The judge will immediately grant the divorce and give EVERYTHING to Deryck.

Images: Wenn.com, INFDaily

Last night was the premiere of Ashton Kutcher's show prank show "Pop Fiction." The show takes annoying celebrities and helps them pull pranks on the media and paparazzi. As you know, the whole Paris Hilton sucking Shaman dick proved to be a prank.

Avril Lavigne also pulled her own prank. She put on a fake baby bump and went shopping for baby clothes on Robertson. I covered it here and so the dumb bitch got me. You win Avril. You are so sneaky. Not only do you have the voice of an angel, but you are a prankster among pranksters.

The show was somewhat entertaining, but it also proved to me why I rip on these celebrities. They are annoying, delusional and they think they are shit. When Avril was pulling the prank she said something about how it was going to be everywhere like bitch is important. The rumor was already there, so it kind of defeated the purpose. At the end of the day, Avril is still annoying.

The show has promise, but I have a feeling Paris and Avril are probably the biggest stars Ashton could get. I'm expecting pranks featuring illustrious A-listers like Brandon Davis, some bitch on American Idol and Paula Abdul's dealer.

And I also think most of us take all these rumors with a grain of salt. It's entertainment to us and we could really give a fuck. Who am I fooling? I wake up in sweats wondering if Avril Lavigne is really pregnant or not.

I'm hoping Rumer Willis' entire existence is a prank part of Pop Fiction.

Click here and here to see Avril's prank if you care