Charlize Theron

Charlize Theron has been a busy goddess. Between filming Young Adult, Snow White and The Huntsman and Prometheus, she says what she does in her downtime is mostly sleep, according to Showbiz Spy. In the interview, she talks about her love of travel, wine, and good conversation, none of which she has time for right now. Beer boy below may just have to wait. Charlize gets first crack. Ha I just said Charlize and crack, and of course my mind went there. Excuse me for a minute.

Okay, I'm back. That didn't take long...I mean we're talking about Charlize here. So she also said “I love watching movies. I haven’t been able to watch a lot of movies recently and I can’t wait to go home and have the screeners come in and just couch up." GIRL, I am with you. I have a great DVD collection in addition to pronhub so we are SO on the same page. We can drink wine, have conversation (maybe "good" is not on the menu, but hey), watch movies (bow-chicka-BOW-WOW), do uh whatever comes naturally and then you can catch your coveted Zs on my pillow top king size. Just enjoy those sweet dreams and don't pay any attention to the woman under the silk sheet.

If you're over the age of 30 and see the dot eyes of Hello Kitty staring back at you when you look down at your shirt, then Charlize Theron can't with you right now, tomorrow or ever. In Young Adult, Charlize plays a superficial home wrecking goddess of my dreams, and she said at The New York Times' TimesTalk panel (via UsWeekly) that she told the costume designer to get her tons of Hello Kitty t-shirts. Because according to Charlize, there's something messed up about a 30-something woman wearing a t-shirt with a fat-headed cartoon cat on it. Here's Charlize judging you Hello Kitty-wearing grown ass women:

"I'm pretty amazed by Hello Kitty. I see so many women in their 30s walking around in Hello Kitty shit and nobody is concerned for them. It's the one iconic teenage symbol that seems okay for women in their 30s? The world seems to not have an issue with it."

Charlize Theron can do or say no wrong in my eyes ever since she proudly smoked the good shit out of an apple bong and if she told me to lick the bottom of a lightbulb, I'd do it. Remember in high school when bitches told you that you'd electrocute yourself if you licked the bottom of a light bulb and your stupid ass totally believed them? No? Okay, that was just me then. Anyway, I highly respect Charlize, but I have to disagree with her ass here. She's absolutely wrong and needs to get checked.

Yes, it's true that some grown women in Hello Kitty t-shirts look like they smell like Victoria's Secret body splash and spend their lunch hour highlighting all the things they want in the dELiA*s catalog with a hot pink marker, but that's not every chick. An adult woman can pull off a Hello Kitty shirt with the help of one very important item: the black blazer. The black blazer can make anything look professional. My chola cousin was going to a job interview at a bank one time and wanted to wear a camisole she bought at Macy's. It was lacy, made of satin and looked like it came straight from the boudoir of Blanche Devereaux. I told her to save that tramp shit for the office holiday party, but she told me to shut my mouth and then she "business woman-ed" up that camisole by wearing a black blazer with it. Did she get the job? Absolutely not. But they did tell her that they liked her "blouse." So see, when all else fails, throw a black blazer over it!

And here's Charlize at the L.A. premiere of Young Adult last night. She'd look a lot hotter if she threw a Hello Kitty and a black blazer on that dress.

UsWeekly said last month that Ryan Reynolds rebounded off of ScarJo's chichis and dove straight onto Charlize Theron's crotch. There was never really anything proof of this. No staged pictures of them trying to pull each other's swim chonies off at the beach. No "leaked" stills from their blurry fuck tape. None of that. And now it's completely over, so says UsWeekly. They say that Charlize and Ryan's time together lasted about as long as a blonde riding on Hef's grave worm dick. A source says that Ryan quit that shit, because Charlize wants to start a family and he isn't ready to dirty his muscle ab biscuits with baby barf. The source put it like this:

"He only wanted something casual, but she's in a rush to settle down, have kids and start a family since she's getting older.

[Charlize] didn't take it very well when he broke it off. She knows deep down that it wouldn't have worked, but she is pretty bummed out about it all."

That's nice and everything, but what about us?! What about the people with the sex lives of a garbage disposal apple who were patiently waiting for fap material in the form of a picture of Charlize and Ryan simultaneously licking on each other's nipples under an outdoor shower? They couldn't give us that as a parting gift? Selfish bitches. And Charlize considers herself a humanitarian? More like an inhumaneitarian.

That being said, Charlize is smooth. Getting tired of fucking on a recently divorced piece who keeps doing ab crunches while you ride on top? Just hit him with the "I want kids" talk and he won't even waste time grabbing his Flex Belt while he runs out the door.

Straight from Comic-Com comes the promo pictures for Stoned Snow White and the Huntsman starring Kristen Stewart as Snow White, Charlize Theron as The Evil Queen, Chris Hemsworth as The Huntsman, Sam Claflin, Eddie Izzard, Nick Frost and Toby Jones. This is the second Snow White movie coming out next year, and this one is going to turn Snow White into a Joan of Arc type bad bitch who drops the innocent maiden act to take down The Queen.

I know these are just pictures, but since only premature overreactions are allowed on the internet, I just have to say: THE FUCK?! Kristen Stewart as Snow White = No. Kristen Stewart as Dopey = Si. How is Snow White going to bite the apple when she's too busy biting her own lip? How are we going to know the difference between Snow White in an apple-induced coma and Snow White not in an apple-induced coma since Kristen Stewart always looks like she's been bitten by the Lunesta moth. And even a half-broken lezzie mirror with Twihard tendencies who has never felt the drop of Windex would never say that Kristen Stewart is "fairer" than Charlize Theron. Bye Ho....Bye Ho....

Bitches need to explain all of this right after they explain why Charlize Theron looks like Heidi of the Alps at a Brother of the Wolf costume party.

ScarJo was seen at Little Dom's in Los Feliz this past weekend trying to Magic Erase the image of Sean Penn snorting out wet coke balls out of nose while grunting during a motorboating session by having dinner with ex-husband Ryan Reynolds. A witness tells Life & Style that ScarJo and Ryan were flirting with their eyes and she even pinched at his face cheeks with her fingers (????) at one point. But if UsWeekly is telling the truth, then ScarJo and Ryan only met up so that she could give him the bag of tile spacers he left in her car. You know, the tile spacers he puts between his rock hard ab biscuits so they don't rub together and chafe when he does his daily routine of doing crunches until his stomach pouch slides into his nutsack for some peace and stillness. But I am digressing all over the place again....

A source says that Ryan and Charlize Theron have been making pretty people sex with each other for at least a few months. They've been keeping it on the down low and the source doesn't expect them to come prancing out onto the ho stroll while holding each other's genitals anytime soon, because that's not Charlize's style. The source went on to say, "They're exclusive, and it's very hush-hush. They're both career-focused, but not in a crazy way."

Break out the BREAKING NEWS siren! Two pretty people are doing the fuck thing together!!! This never happens!!!! But seriously, slap this shit with both a "random" and "makes sense" label.

Ryan has always sort of rubbed me in a weird way (not like that). It's those tiny eyes. Even when he opens them as wide as he can, he still looks like he's been stalking you from across the room for hours and is trying to focus on the little mole under your eye so that he can draw it perfectly on the tribute wall that's dedicated to you in his room at the halfway house. (And yes, he does thee crunches while drawing your mole.) Charlize, on the other hand, seems like a regular bag of normal. So the two of them together does make me cock my head (not that one) to the side a bit. But Ryan must be shitting four leaf clovers, but he is lucky as hell. You haven't experienced true love until you've slow rolled with Charlize Theron to a Journey song in the middle of a rink.

The gorgeous, sensitive and sensible Charlize Theron (NO sarcasm this time, don't pass out), the girl I would totally go ghey for, the object of my adoration and my avatar has said before that she would never get married until gays can. Me: CHARLIZE I AM SO ON BOARD, WAIT FOR ME BABY!!! Anyway, in September 2009, she said "I do have a problem with the fact that our government has not stepped up enough to make [marriage equality] federal...I really understand marriage and I respect marriage. I just feel that we should all have equal rights."

I have to say that in my experience, I think marriage is a huge stinking steaming pile of bullshit (jaded much?) but like Charlize, I totally support other people to make the biggest mistake of their lives no matter what their sexual orientation is. No, really, marriage CAN be a beautiful thing. I've seen it work and we all want to grow old with someone who loves us enough to smear Ben Gay where our bathing suit covers.

In a recent interview on CNN, which you can watch here on Towleroad, she reiterates her stance, adding that marriage is not important for her (SUHWOOOON AGAIN) but that she understands its importance to other people. She ends the interview by saying "We should all have equal rights. Love is such a divine thing, it's a gift, and who are we to say?"

It's a sensitive subject, but I'm with Charlize (I fucking wish). I mean, if two adults love each other enough to make that leap, and only fuck on each other till they die, and put up with each other's morning breaf and shitty moods for the rest of their lives, I think they should be able to. Marry me Charlize!! *licks monitor*

Note: Stolen from MK's Afternoon Crumbs. I swore off the comments section this week and couldn't just let this shit lie.

STONER LOVE ALERT! Maybe.

Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves, who did acting stuff together in The Devil's Advocate and that Dying Young knock-off, gave each other hugs and kisses after leaving a restaurant in Beverly Hills last night. At one point while they were waiting for their cars, Charlize slipped her hand in Keanu's jacket. Oh, I'm sure bitch was just trying to steal his wallet or snatch his last joint. It doesn't mean anything.

Even this video from TMZ of Charlize and Keanu hugging and kissing doesn't prove that they are High Times Magazine's IT couple of the year. Eating a pot brownie in the bathroom of a restaurant will cause you to hug anything from a fire extinguisher to a Bush to a hobo wearing a scarf (aka Keanu Reeves).

Meanwhile in a crazy house somewhere in Canada, Karen Sala is gnawing on her straitjacket in between screaming about how Shape-Shifter Keanu Reeves has struck again!

Charlize Theron is making all the worst dressed lists this morning and I'm not sure why. A few hating hos have called Charlize's "Janet Jackson getting titty cupped" dress tasteless, tacky and trampy. Yeah exactly, point me to the problem, because most of us would nibble on Jon Gosselin's crotch sprout to be called tasteless, tacky and trampy. That's a life goal.

If I still haven't convinced you, let me put it this way: The top of Charlize's dress looks like two labia flowers suckling on her chichi nipples. Sold, right?

This rumor about Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend breaking up really makes me want to poke a hole through an apple (NOT LIKE THAT), top it with the good shit and puff puff puff away. Actually, I'd probably want to do that even if I didn't read this shit, but now I have a reason!

The Daily Mail says that Charlize Theron dumped Stuart Townsend after 9 years together. Charlize is no longer wearing the commitment ring Stuart gave her. A friend of Charlize's said that she quit his ass around Christmas times, because she no longer felt the tingles for him in that way. The friend went on to say, "They had become more like brother and sister than lovers. It was she who ended it. She truly loved Stuart but the relationship ran its course. He is heartbroken but she is insisting it is all over."

You know what would've saved their relationship?! You know what would've made them fall in love with each other all over again like the first time? Roller skating in each other's arms to "Don't Stop Believin'." Magical things happen when you click your roller skates to Journey:

Then they'd consummate their new love by finger banging each other in the parking lot while a bunch of kids laughed at them. It would've been beautiful.

And in order to support Stuart, Charlize would've turned to a life of murder... Okay, maybe it's best they didn't roller skate to Journey after all.

Charlize Theron has quit the movie The Tourist for whatever reason, and now St. Angie is in talks to take her place. Sam Worthington, the hot piece from Terminator: Salvation, has already signed on to play the dude lead.

The Tourist is an American remake of the French movie about some tourist-type who goes undercover to trap her ex-lovah who might be some kind of criminal mastermind. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Yes, so this is another movie that will be 90-minutes of St. Angie shooting, puckering, shooting, puckering, shooting, puckering, etc.. etc... I'm sure they'll throw in a scene of St. Angie getting out of the tub while throwing a side-eye. St. Angie puts the "ill" in thriller.

If you can't wait for this shit to come out, just pop in Wanted into your DVD player, put it on "French Dubs," and there you go! The same damn thing.