Uma Thurman

The days of freezer burned fupas are quickly coming upon those of us who live in the Northeast, so now is the perfect time to let your gut pores breathe in air before they have to go into hibernation. Uma Thurman knows this and so she wore the official Honey Badger weekday uniform as she strolled out with her children in NYC on Wednesday.

Somebody hand me a double-sided anything and dip it in some kitchen grease, because both UsWeekly and the Daily Mail need to get fucked for calling this perfect ensemble "bizarre" and "slobby." Those jealous shade queens must be using an opposite dictionary, because they really meant to say this whole entire look is "practical" and "SO NOW."

The hat tells me that Uma likes a touch of retro, because she's obviously wearing the cap my mom's best friend bought at Michael's, hoping she'd find the time to glamourize it with puffy glitter paint and dot lettering (she never did). The knotted shirts tell me that Uma doesn't believe in shirt favoritism and so she not only cut off the circulation of her top shirt, but she did it to her bottom shirt too. And finally, the Marlboros tucked into her bra strap loudly tells me that she's just a practical bitch and a people person who warmly embraces crackhead hobos asking her for a cigarette every other block. Does Playtex sell the bra straps alone, because I've been looking for a practical place to keep my Trident.

Shut down every stupid Best Dressed of the Year list, because nothing will ever top this.

Overseas they always gets the best (see: fuckingweirdest) commercials starring celebrities and this one for Schweppes in France starring Uma Karuna Thurman is no exception. Uma lays the sedated sexiness on so thick that she's a hairless twink pool boy and a lace hand fan away from being an old Asian queen. Or Kunty Karl shortly after he takes in the soul of a chocolate bar with his nostrils.

The makers of The Kissing Box will realize they have just found the celebrity mouth of their product when they watch Uma awkwardly drink from that glass bottle like a porn star deep throating a rubber dildo. It's very, "I am only doing this because they tell me it looks sexy but no part of me enjoys this."

Looking like Parasite Hilton's pussy just sneezed all over her face, Uma Thurman showed up to the City University of New York's 40th annual gala last night with a little something on her nose, brows, under eyes, etc... etc..

This is what Nicole Kidman sees when she looks in the mirror in the morning before she defrosts her face over a portable heater in her bathroom. You know, Snow Miser face happens. It's just a damn shame that White Oprah wasn't around to snort that mess right off of Uma's nose.

Uma Thurman's movie Motherhood made around $130 in its opening weekend in the UK. On Sunday, only one poor bitch handed of their hard-earned cash for one ticket for the movie. To put this in perspective, more people would show up for Vanilla Gorilla's "World's Great Husband" parade in Sandra Bullock's hometown.

HuffPo says that the movie made around $80,000 in the US before going straight to the bottom of the clearance bin at discount stores. And what's even more shocking is that JLo was not involved in the making of this shit show!

When one of Motherhood's producers was told about the movie's major fail in the UK, she said, "You're kidding? Are we sure JLo didn't have a small cameo in this?" No, she really said, "You're kidding? We must have broken a new record for grosses."

On a positive note, Uma can pat herself on the taint, because I'm sure her bomb of a movie helped a handful of people get laid. If you can't afford a motel, and the back alleys are all busy, simply take your fuck partner to see a flop at a movie theater. Show me an empty movie theater, and I'll show you a couple doing ass sex in it.

Here's the movie's trailer. Yeah, it looks awful.

Calling all gold diggers on the stroll! Brush up your skills (aka get a bikini wax and watch Pretty Woman in slo-mo in every language available) and say a little prayer before your Camille Grammar statue, because another billionaire is back in the wild. People says that Uma Thurman has canceled her engagement to Swiss financier Arki Busson.

Apparently, distance is one of the main reasons why their relationship went south. Uma has to spend most of her time in NYC, because her kids with Ethan Hawke are here. And Arki is based in London.

The two started dating in 2007, and got engaged last year. Arki sealed the deal by slipping Uma's finger into an 8-carat diamond ring. One of Uma's friends says that she plans to give the ring back as well as everything else Arki gave her.

YES! That bitch from Kill Bill is going to return a beautiful shiny diamond ring that could probably make a pawn shop owner and her bank account happier. Who in the hell returns a diamond ring?! That's worse than returning a baby without the receipt! If Arki asks for the ring back, Uma should just tell him her vagina ate it. Or Lindsay Lohan stole it. Or Lindsay Lohan's vagina ate it.

....I think. Uma Thurman looks like she's trying to push out a doody bubble or maybe she's playing one of my favorite games: Pregnant Lady. Don't you do that? I love doing that shit. I stick out my belly, hold it and say, "Hello there, Baby Phoebe Shauna. Mommy loves you very much." And then I try to breastfeed myself, but I can never reach. I have seriously spent hours trying to lick my own nipple. Those of you that can, have received a beautiful gift from God. I'm jealous.

Maybe she's knocked up? If I was her, I would've been knocked up last week. Her fiance is some rich ass Swedish dude. Uma has money, but his money is even better! Here's more of Uma and her gas baby in Corsica.

Uma Thurman is engaged to her rich bitch boyfriend Arpad "Arki" Busson. Wise move. You can never have too much money and Swiss money is even better. Don't ask me why Swiss money is better. It just is.

Uma's spokesbitch confirmed the engagement to People. A source also said that Arki dressed Uma's bony finger with an "8-plus carat center stone surrounded by 20 smaller stones." Another source told the NYDN the ring is so big that "she can't fit it through the sleeve of her coat." I think I just came.

This is Uma's second marriage. She has two kids with Ethan Hawke. Arki has two kids with Elle Macpherson. Apparently, he never married Elle, because she's been divorced and he's a strict Catholic. Uma's vagina must have the right moves.

Uma better book them a flight to Las Vegas right fucking now! Elope! She also better eat the damn prenup. Put some steak sauce on that bitch and swallow it whole.

Jack Jordan has been convicted of stalking Uma Thurman by a jury in NYC. Jack has been harassing Uma for the past 3 years. He has shown up to her house and movies sets. He's also sent her strange cards and letters. Uma's parents testified that Jack called them up in tearful, suicidal rants about their daughter.

Jack once sent Uma a drawing of an open grave, a headstone and a man standing on the edge of a razor blade. A spiral of random words referred to "chocolate, mouth, soft, kissing" and declared, "My hands should be on your body at all times." Hey, doesn't Hallmark carry that one?

He faces up to a year and 90 days in jail.

Jack's attorney said that he "fell in love" with Uma while watching a scene in "Kill Bill." He said, "He's trying to get to the woman he loves — although it's an obsession — in the hope that she will love him back. Jack Jordan is not charged with obsession. Obsession is not a crime."

Any man that carries a hiking backpack regularly cannot be trusted! Actually, he's sort of hot.....I'll stop!

Source

Last week, Ethan Hawke took part in the 24-Hour Plays in NYC. The show is a series of one-acts and during each play a performer will come out and entertain the audience with a quick song. One of the performers was Ethan Hawke. A writer from New York Magazine was there and said the audience was shocked when Ethan came out, but they were even more shocked with the song he chose to sing.

Ethan told everyone, "Someone I know wrote this song while shooting a movie in Paris during his divorce." Of course that someone was him and he was talking about his divorce to Uma Thurman. Ethan then broke into song where he called Uma a "big fat beast."

NY Magazine wrote:

He proceeded to sing a ditty that included lyrics about "not caring if [he] ever saw New York again," "the lawyers," and — most telling — "my wife." Uma! "My wife hates me," he sang, adding something about how she would call him a prick, how he longed to send for his children, tralalala singing stuff. We were intoxicated, both with beverages and with memories of Dead Poets Society. And then! "My wife is a big fat beast," he sang. We gasped, along with the rest of the audience. He called Uma fat! In public! Sheepishly, Hawke broke his musicianly stride: "Yeah, I was very upset at the time." And still is, we suspect.

That's pretty fucking funny, because didn't Ethan cheat on Uma with the nanny? The writer is right. The bitch is still upset. While Ethan was singing that song in a dark theater, I'm sure Uma was sucking champagne off her millionaire boyfriend's dick while riding in his private jet. Revenge is so sweet.

Ethan needs to take a good look at his crater face in the mirror and ask himself who the real beast is? I'd still hit it though. Well, he was so fucking hot in Reality Bites.

Here's some pics of Ethan and Uma during the happy days. She was never a big fat anything. Beast maybe, but definitely not fat.