Brangelina

Charlize Theron has quit the movie The Tourist for whatever reason, and now St. Angie is in talks to take her place. Sam Worthington, the hot piece from Terminator: Salvation, has already signed on to play the dude lead.

The Tourist is an American remake of the French movie about some tourist-type who goes undercover to trap her ex-lovah who might be some kind of criminal mastermind. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Yes, so this is another movie that will be 90-minutes of St. Angie shooting, puckering, shooting, puckering, shooting, puckering, etc.. etc... I'm sure they'll throw in a scene of St. Angie getting out of the tub while throwing a side-eye. St. Angie puts the "ill" in thriller.

If you can't wait for this shit to come out, just pop in Wanted into your DVD player, put it on "French Dubs," and there you go! The same damn thing.

If you opened up a "Secret Meeting Motel," you would make serious coin just from Brad Pitt alone! Dude is always off having these secret meetings with Jennifer Aniston. We've all got news for you, Brad! Your secret meetings ain't so fucking secret, because we're all reading about them. Anyways...

Grazia Magazine (via The Daily Mail) says that Billy Goat Brad and his ex-wife had another "SECRET MEETING (DUN DUN DUN)" in NYC recently. Apparently, Brad asked Jen to come to his suite at the Essex Hotel, because he wanted to talk her about his relationship with St. Angie. Jen agreed to come, because Brad promised that he'd wear a tuxedo and they would reenact their wedding. Brad even threw in a wedding cake and said Maddox would act as her fake maid of honor. Jen couldn't turn it down.

The source said, "She arrived at his hotel suite a matter of hours after they had spoken. Brad was unloading his emotional baggage on Jen, which isn't exactly fair considering their history. She was quick to tell him she wanted no part in his break-up with Angelina."

Brad told Jen that he was planning to leave the saint of all saints and move to Berlin, because he loves the city's architecture so much. Strangely enough, a lightning bolt didn't strike him down. Instead, Jen told Brad that he had to figure that shit out on his own. Then she brought out her Reborn Baby Doll and made Brad rock it to sleep.

Back to the whole "secret meeting" thing. Does Jen get to wear a trench coat and hide behind potted plants in the hotel lobby? Because that sounds kind of hot. Maybe we should all have "secret meetings." Cut to Det. La Toya rolling her eyes while saying, "WELCOME TO MY LIFE!"

No, Billy Goat Brad and St. Angie have not adopted Brit Brit's Cheetolings. This is a picture of the TWIN MESSIAHS! Since you're already on your knees (I know how you multi-task), drop that penis and worship them!

The Twin Messiahs (citizen names: Knox and Vivienne) crawled off of their gold thrones yesterday to join their parents for some ice cream at Licky Licious in Amman, Jordan. The Brangie holy family are in the Middle East to visit with Iraqi refugees and discuss their situation with the president of Syria.

The person who took this picture said Brad nibbled on pecan and caramel ice cream, while St. Angie ate mango ice cream. A picture of St. Angie eating ice cream probably would have been even more shocking than seeing the twin messiahs out in public.

The twin messiahs really do look like they've got a tiny drop of Cheeto blood running through their veins, right? And thanks to that sentence, I have a feeling my inbox is about to get attacked by a Brangaloonie torpedo in 3...2............

Source: Twitter.com/onemri VIA HuffPo

At JFK yesterday, Maddox swept in led by his loyal pet billy goat. It's obvious Maddox was not amused, because his pet billy goat embarrassed him yet again by wearing a stupid hat from the Tommy Bahama outlet.

Maybe Maddox fed it to his pet billy goat on the plane. And hopefully, when his pet billy goat was asleep dreaming about Jennifer Aniston in a bikini (that goes out to all you Brangaloonies), Maddox took a pair of pinky shears (that's what my little cousin calls 'em) to that overgrown chin bush. It needs pruning in a bad way.

Fred and Sharon, the relationship experts and cinematic geniuses from Canada, have already handed down their words of wisdom to Jennifer Aniston and now they have some advice for Brangelina. They think Brad needs to smoke hashish in moderation and St. Angie needs to count to ten. I think Fred and Sharon got this one mixed up, because it's obvious those they don't smoke their hashish in moderation. I mean, Sharon eats hashish flakes for breakfast, obviously. What they really meant is that St. Angie needs to smoke more hashish until she finds it difficult to count to ten (SPOILER ALERT: 4 bowls).

And is it just me, or does the dragonfly Fred is flying on look suspiciously like St. Angie. I mean, it has wings!

VIA Videogum

And here we go again. The Brangaloonies and the Anistonholics (yes, they exist) should take their corners.

Page Six is saying that before shooting a scene for The Bounty, Jennifer Aniston had to call for a time-out (aka an Entenmann's break) because her heart was breaking inside. According to a source, Jenny busted into a flood of tears and said the scene she was about to shoot reminded her too much of her ex-husband Brad Pitt. The source went on to yap, "While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still very fragile."

Maybe this source got it twisted and she wasn't crying because the scene reminded her of Brad Pitt. Maybe her eyes were sweating, because she just saw the recent pictures of Brad looking like an elderly billy goat. Because those pictures made all of us cry. Kleenex stock went through the damn roof that day.

But if that's not the case, then Jen needs more dick in her life and holes. The truth. Seriously, why cry over spoiled dick?! That shit was a million and a half years ago. Fill that pain with a peen.....and vodka. Suck a dick to get over a dick!

Brad Pitt arrived in San Sebastian, Spain today for the film festival there with Benji's multi-colored ass bush on his face. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a good beard. During fuck times, it can exfoliate the skin between your nalgas. But Brad's beard is a completely a different story.

Pepaw needs to take a Flowbee to that mess, because it's getting a little too wild. It makes me think about what his crotch area must be like. It's probably like the second coming of the Amazon down there. It's a good thing St. Angie's vagina can cut through almost any wooded area.

That being said, I'd still hit it while watching Thelma & Louise.

Most 3-year-olds are lazy babblers who spend their days pushing Cheerios around, slobbering all over everything and get excited about talking sponges (Just like me!), but not Shiloh Jolie-Pitt! No, Shiloh is already flying planes around the world and making paninis that would melt the tongues of a million Italians. In this week's Life & Style, they take us inside the magical world of a 3-year-old.

Apparently, Shiloh loves is a regular Top Chef judge, because she loves paninis. One special soul told Life & Style that they watched Shiloh and St. Angie share a panini at a cafe in Corsica, "They were talking and seemed really happy to be out with each other." Shiloh was also heard saying that she wants to be an actor like her parents when she gets older. Then she ordered a bottle of the 59' Chateau Hanteillan and asked them to serve it to her on the veranda, because she likes to watch the sunset.

I mean, is next week's cover of Life & Style going to take us into the world of Kourtney Kardashian's fetus? I shouldn't joke, because it probably is!

Personally, I'm still waiting for the twin messiahs shocking "coming out" cover on People: "Yes, we poop our pants! And it smells!"

VIA Cover Awards

Last week, there was a mind-boggling important story about Brangie buying gerbils in France for their chirruns. Yeah, I know you already tattooed that story to the inside of your brain, so you can remember it for all time and forever. It's that important. Well, a week later, here's the pictures and they are equally (if not more) important! Go ahead and cancel your plans for the rest of the day, so you can print out all these pictures out and put them in your family album. That's not funny, because you know some Brangaloonies do that.

Why does Brad continue to dress like a pepaw mechanic who cleaned up real swell to go have dinner at the Sizzler? And why is Saint Angelina wearing a dress made from a saloon lamp in my grandma's "fancy" living room?

And in the last thumbnail, those gerbils don't look that excited about the possibility of being adopted by the chosen ones. They probably aren't looking forward to spending the rest of their days wearing all-black.

I know, I know, but I had to. It was lying there, glistening in the light, just begging me to pluck it. It was too easy. And by the by, this was one of UsWeekly's top stories today. I love it. TGIF!