Brangelina

I'm sure that while they were filming Interview with a Vampire, Tommy Girl snuck into Brad Pitt's trailer one day while he was taking a long stoner nap and cut a lock of his dick bush so that he could rub it against his glazed b-hole every chance he got. Well, that lock of pubies will be going into the fire, because Brad Pitt is talking trash about Tommy's fine work!

In an interview with the German magazine Stern (via People), Brad Pitt said that Inglourious Basterds is the greatest Nazi movie of all-time, "The second World War could still deliver more stories and films, but I believe that Quentin put a cover on that pot. With Basterds, everything than can be said to this genre has been said. The film destroys every symbol. The work is done, end of story."

I haven't seen Basterds, but judging by the trailer, it looks like the only thing this movie destroys is the Southern accent. Brad Pitt makes Anna Paquin (aka "Sookeh Iz Mahn") sound like she was born in a giant bowl of grits floating in the Bayou.

And when asked about Tommy Girl's Valkyrie, Brad Pitt went there, "It was a ridiculous movie."

Yes, Brad, because you as a baby suffering from Ali Lohan syndrome wasn't all sorts of ridiculous? Really, Brad, really? In the battle of ridiculousness, I don't what was more ridiculous: Brad Pitt as a pepaw toddler or Tommy Girl's poodle hair. It's a toss-up.

Last week, Brad Pitt told Bill Maher that he put his pot smoking days behind him when he became a father to the child army. Well, Quentin Tarantino says otherwise!

Yesterday on The Howard Stern Show, Quentin told a little tale about how Saint Brad of the Good Doers gave him a sliver of hash when he was hanging out his house in France last year. Brad also likes to smoke his good shit "8th-grade-style," because when Quentin asked for a pipe, he was given a Coke can. Yes, one of the richest dudes around is smoking hash out of a Coke can. I'm sure if Brad asked, one of the twin messiahs could just touch that Coke can and turn it into a solid gold bong.

Why so lie-telly, Brad? Is dude afraid that if he sings to the world that he's a proud stoner everyone will think he's the next Amy Wino? Please, the crazed Brangaloonies would still worship him even if it's uncovered that he's running a hash factory in France. Hmmm...that would explain why he has so many kiddies.

And Brad should not only embrace his stoner-ness, but he should also demand that every Brangaloonie needs to smoke a bowl every once and a while. Seriously, maybe that will calm the crazy a bit.

Skip on over to TMZ to listen Quentin on Howard.

Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Homeboy: The Hunt for Jude Law's Next Baby Mama has wrapped up principal photography and is due out this Christmas, but The Mirror claims shit is about to change in a major way. According to sources, Warner Bros. wasn't exactly blowing jizz bombs over the final cut and has demanded that Guy fix it pronto. They want Guy to re-shoot some scenes and add Sherlock's arch rival, the evil Professor Moriarty, to the movie.

After being scolded by mommy and daddy, Guy immediately asked his old Snatch friend Brad Pitt to step in as Moriarty. Luckily for Guy, Brad has an open spot in his schedule and is available for the re-shoots. Brad has already arrived in London and will soon begin shooting.

A source said, “It was an oversight in the film not to make a bigger deal about Moriarty. He is mentioned as Holmes’ arch enemy, but the bosses wanted Guy to make more of him. Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr have already shot their scenes. But now that 10 extra days have been added to shoot the new ones, they may be called back for a day or two."

Because of all the changes, the movie won't open this Christmas and has been pushed into 2010.

Why bother with Benjamin Button's?! I recently read that Guy wanted to explore Sherlock and Watson's homoerotic relationship in this movie, so he could've just added a good old-fashioned ass-to-mouth scene at the end to sell more tickets. Nothing puts hos in seats like gay porn. Besides, I always felt that Watson's face should be covered in man gravy when Sherlock delivers his signature line: "Elementary, my dear Watson." Just pretend that made sense.

UPDATE: Well, fuck. A spokeswhore for Warner Bros. says this lies. They issued this statement to UsWeekly: "The report in today’s London Mirror is completely inaccurate. Brad Pitt is not joining the cast of Sherlock Holmes and we're extremely pleased with the production of the film. As planned, it will be released on Christmas Day, 2009. In order to complete the movie, we've scheduled a few days on set to shoot a couple of additional scenes, obtain pick-up shots, and perfect some of the visual effects elements, all of which is standard filmmaking practice."

Brad Pitt sat down with Bill Maher last night and talked about the usual shit he likes yap about: gay marriage, church vs. state and weeeeeeeeed. Everyone knows Brad was a stoner of stoners back in the day (just ask Juliette Lewis), but he said he gave up heaven's herb when he started having a zillion babehs. Babies = BUZZ KILLERS.

Brad said, "I certainly had my day. I'm a dad now. You want to be alert and my eyes used to glaze over when I did that."

Brad may not smoke any of the good shit anymore, but you know he gives some to the kiddies in brownie-form to calm their asses down. But seriously, if I had 6 screechers running around me, I'd have to get a bong permanently attached to my mouth hole. Better yet, stick a morphine drip in my ass and never pull it out.

In case you missed that shit last night and care to see it, above is part uno and below is part two.

VIA Gawker

Okay, not really, but during Brad Pitt's interview with Ann Curry on Today, she asked him about a quote he gave to Parade Magazine about love being the most important (blah..vommy....blah) thing in the world. Brad said he co-signs his own quote, but added that someday love won't be there. Then he got all Megan Fox-like and said, “The greater the love, the greater the loss."

You know that after he said that, Jennifer Aniston threw down the chocolate sheet cake from Costco she was in the middle of devouring and shouted at her Beanie Babies collection, "HE'Z TALKING ABOUT MEEEE!!!! MEEE! MEEEE!! MEEEEEEEEE!"

Ann also asked Brad about the grassroots movement to get him to run for the Mayor of New Orleans, because of what he's doing to help rebuild the city. Brad joked that if he is chosen as a candidate, he will run on the gay marriage, no religion, legalization and taxation of marijuana platform.

I think that they superglued Ann to the chair for this interview, because I kept waiting for her vag lips to jump out of her pants and smother Brad. I mean, homegirl has a clit boner for him in the worst way. I'm sure it was hard for her to stay focused, because Brad was wearing white and she kept picturing him as her bride walking down the aisle towards her. Truth.

And here's some pictures of Brad working the crowd at the NYC premiere of The Time Traveler's Wife last night. Brad is a producer on the movie. He was also supposed to star in this shit with Jennifer Aniston back in the olden days.

If your name is Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh, the Twin Messiahs, that other one or if your haircut was more famous than you were in the 90s, then you might want to close your eyes and think of unicorns instead of reading this. Two seconds ago, Willy Pitt did an interview with Parade where he said the grotto in his backyard is a great place to bump holes. So of course someone was going to ask him about that shit at the Inglorious Bastards (my spell check won out) premiere the other night.

When Extra (via UsWeekly) asked about that special sexy time place, St. Angie answered, "Yeah, well, we got a few special places." Then Brad said, "It's not true. We have far more comfortable places to go. There is a grotto there. It's an old Hollywood property... just a few minutes that way... and rumor is Jimi Hendrix spent some time there. That's the story. I run with it."

I'm sure the secret places include an extra fluffy patch of clouds near the gate's of heaven. And if they are feeling extra raunchy, they do it under the pool table in God's gentleman's lounge. Also, Brad has been known to tickle St. Angie's cruciclit on the Last Supper table. Hell, here I cooooome and my abuelita will co-sign that.

Extra also asked St. Angie on her thoughts about Brad calling her his "soulmate." She responded, "That is very cool. Well, he's mine. It is what it is." Queef.

St. Angie held on to ole' Brad Pitt at last night's Inglorious Basterds, because she was afraid a swift wind might come and carry her scrawny ass off, dropping her in Jennifer Aniston's front yard. If only.

Yeah, I know you're doing the eye roll, because she's wearing ANOTHER black dress, but she has to. If she doesn't, the black dress industry will file for bankruptcy and then the black dress would officially be extinct. Their future depends on St. Angie. Although, I don't think this was originally a black dress. Angie wasn't happy with any of the ten million black dresses her stylist showed her, so Maddox came to the rescue as usual. He cut the fingers off one of his leather gloves, snipped the tip and slipped it on Angie. Voila! It's still a little baggy, but it will do!

But seriously, I'm getting a "vintage St. Angie" vibe from these pictures. You know, the crazy ass Angie who used to wear blood around her neck and suck on her brother's face in public. That one. It's nice to see that bitch back...for a quick millisecond.

In an interview with Parade Magazine, Brad Pitt talks about a bunch of fun shit including where he likes to bone the bones, his continued support for gay marriage, Christianity and heaven's weed.

You know, Brad Pitt interviews usually make my face look like I got a lemon wedge stuck in my asshole, because I cringe so much, but I didn't do that once during this one! On the cringe meter, this interview gets a 0.1. Besides, Brad Pitt co-signs my upcoming wedding (in my imagination) to Anderson Cooper and that's all you really need to do to win me over (for now).

The entire interview is longer than longer, so you can click here to read the whole thing. Below are just a few quotes.

On why he won't marry St. Angie right this second:
“I have love in my life, a soul mate—absolutely. When someone asked me why Angie and I don’t get married, I replied, ‘Maybe we’ll get married when it’s legal for everyone else.’ I stand by that, although I took a lot of flak for saying it—hate mail from religious groups. I believe everyone should have the same rights. They say gay marriage ruins families and hurts kids. Well, I’ve had the privilege of seeing my gay friends being parents and watching their kids grow up in a loving environment.”

On Prop 8:
"It's ridiculous that Prop 8 took away gay people's right to marry! I have no understanding of that kind of hatred. Maybe it's fear of difference or of the unknown. If you feel belittled, maybe you need someone else to belittle to feel powerful. It's the only way I know how to explain it. You've got religion telling you what to think about homosexuality, about marriage. They say homosexuality is a choice, a lifestyle, something you can be cured of, and that isn't true. But if you're tucked away and have no friends who are gay, you'll believe what the preachers say. Just think of it in terms of being in love--how would you feel if someone told you that you couldn't be with the person you loved?"

On spiritual stuff:
"I grew up in a Christian community and for me the positive thing was that once a week, on Sundays, we focused on bigger issues. But the negative to me is that it was very stifling in the end because it was about what you can't do. Now, Christians will argue, 'That's not true.' To me, I just found Christianity to be, 'Don't do this, don't do that.'"

On France:
"There's real value in the quality of life in France. They've got a great healthcare system, great education. The Lycee Francaise is a bilingual international school that works for us because we can plug the kids into the school program even if we are off doing a movie somewhere, like London or New York. Most places have a Lycee program.

On smoking the good shit in the olden days:
“I liked to smoke a bit of grass at the time, and I became very sheltered. Then I got bored. I was turning into a damn doughnut, really. So I moved as far away from that as I could. I was done. In Missouri, where I come from, we don’t talk about what we do—we just do it. If we talk about it, it’s seen as bragging.”

On the grotto behind the waterfall in his L.A. house:
"It is a great place for sex."

Okay, can you really picture the pristine St. Angie of today wet humping on Brad behind a waterfall? Old Angie, yes. New Angie, no. Besides, if her skinny ass rubs against rocks, it would probably start a damn fire!

And here's a few pictures of Benjamin Button looking a little constipated while posing by himself and with a dog friend. Also, is it just me or does he kind of have STAINS' eyes in the cover picture? Cuuuuuuuupcakes!

Daniel Edwards, the artiste behind such pieces of work like "Brit Brit Pushing Out A Cheetoling" and the "OctoMommy Butt Plug," will unveil his new sculpture at Mainsite Contemporary Art space in Norman, Oklahoma in September.

In honor of Chichifeeding Week, Daniel has created a life-sized sculpture of the saint of all saints, Angie Jolie. Daniel said he was inspired by that "private picture" on the cover of W Magazine taken by Brad Pitt of one of the twin messiahs suckling on Angie's divine breast.

The sculpture titled "Landmark for Breastfeeding" shows St. Angie breastfeeding her twins in the "football-hold."

In real life, St. Angie didn't have to hold them like that. The chosen ones stayed afloat thanks to their retracting angel wings and halos. The celestial powers of St. Angie's holy titty water also took them HIGHER.

Come September, the city of Norman will be Brangaloonie central. They are probably already waiting in line, freaking out at the thought of worshiping at their GOD'S feet. If Daniel wants to make a few extra coins, he should make a pillow person version of this, so Brangaloonies finally have something to cuddle with (besides their Lara Croft doll).

And am I the only one that really really really wants to light the wick on top of St. Angie's head?

It looks like Brad Pitt had a few dozen swigs of what we call holy water at last night's after-party for Inglourious Basterds in Berlin. Brad is making the exact same facial expression as Old Baby at the beginning of Benjamin Button. The Curious Case of German Beer!

OK! says that Brad didn't leave the after-party until 2 in the morning. Oooooooh, St. Angie is going to git him for this! She's going to punish him by making him sleep in the same room with her without his earplugs! That's torture since her hypnotic vagina hums all of Stravinsky's religious symphonies throughout the night. And it's always off-key.

Brad probably thought she'd never find out, but GOD is always watching. No, seriously, I think St. Angie pays God under the table to check in on Brad when she's not around.

I say let the old goat frolic through the drunk clouds every now and again. If I had a zillion screaming little deities at home, I'd be injecting liquid Percocet into my nipple holes every hour on the hour. So two (or twenty) beers is nothing.