Brangelina

It looks like Brad Pitt had a few dozen swigs of what we call holy water at last night's after-party for Inglourious Basterds in Berlin. Brad is making the exact same facial expression as Old Baby at the beginning of Benjamin Button. The Curious Case of German Beer!

OK! says that Brad didn't leave the after-party until 2 in the morning. Oooooooh, St. Angie is going to git him for this! She's going to punish him by making him sleep in the same room with her without his earplugs! That's torture since her hypnotic vagina hums all of Stravinsky's religious symphonies throughout the night. And it's always off-key.

Brad probably thought she'd never find out, but GOD is always watching. No, seriously, I think St. Angie pays God under the table to check in on Brad when she's not around.

I say let the old goat frolic through the drunk clouds every now and again. If I had a zillion screaming little deities at home, I'd be injecting liquid Percocet into my nipple holes every hour on the hour. So two (or twenty) beers is nothing.

Life & Style (au revoir to those who left after reading that) claims that when asked by a woman what she thinks of Megan Fox, St. Angie Jo said:

"Is she aiding in Africa or sitting in on U.N. conferences? Donating herself to something bigger than Hollywood? I'm not familiar with her work, is she an Oscar contender?"

It's hard to believe she said that, because I think St. Angie would really pull a "Mimi when asked about JLo" and say, "I don't know her."

If St. Angie really did say that, I just have a few questions..... Has Angie ever been named FHM's #1 Sexiest Woman in the World? Has she ever held the peen of a regular former cast member from the original Beverly Hills 90210? Has she ever been on the cover of Pawprint Magazine? Has she ever shared the screen with the legendary Ted McGinley? Has she ever made the Olsens look like a couple of Meryl Streeps with her god awful acting skills?

Yeah, I thought NOT. Think before you speak, Jolie!

(Source: Jezebel VIA Celebitchy Images: Wireimage)

Brad Pitt, half of the worldwide religion known as Brangelina, was asked by Bild if he believes in God. Brad said:

“No, no, no! I’m probably 20 per cent atheist and 80 per cent agnostic. I don’t think anyone really knows. You’ll either find out or not when you get there, until then there’s no point thinking about it."

That's ice cold, because you know God is St. Angie's close friend and confidante.

You can read the rest of the interview at Bild. The interviewer also asked Brad if he ever finds time to "make love" with St. Angie. Ha and ha. Brad said yes.

And I'm not sure if Bruno was the interviewer or not. It's a possibility.

Image VIA Worth100

Maddox rolled into LAX today to probably catch a flight to Sweden just so he can buy his favorite sneakers. Or maybe he's flying to NYC to cut a hip-hop album. Or maybe he's going to Mexico City to single-handedly find a cure for the swine flu (better late than never). I don't know, but there is a method to his madness.

Oh and that scrawny lady who is always tagging behind him also came along. Why is she dressed like the homely administrative assistant in your office going to the company Christmas party? You know, the bitch who thinks a black shirt and pants is considered "dressing up." Bitch looks like a community theater usher.

Don't show this to Nicole Kidman or it may scare her into overdosing on Botox. It could also cause her to devour an entire box of golden prunes and her ass doesn't need that. Literally.

Anyoldbabyface, this is Brad Pitt on the cover of Wired wearing a Bluetooth earpiece. Brad already has his own child army and now he's wearing a Bluetooth earpiece? If he starts wearing rhinestone studs from Claire's in his ears and Ed Hardy rags on his body, then we'll have to get Maddox to stage an intervention. One Jon Gosselin on this planet is already one too many.

Brad did the interview with Wired as his Inglourious Basterds character Lt. Aldo Raine. This is all Sacha Baron Cohen's fault. Bitch mainly did interviews as Bruno, so now other hos think they can get away with it too. Boo. Here's a little bit of the interview:

On Asswipe Kutcher posting a picture of his wifey's nalgas on Twitter: "Don't take a picture of your wife's butt. That's silly. Take pictures of other people's wives' butts."

On looking for love on the internet (a cautionary tale for Aniston): "Everyone lies online. In fact, readers expect you to lie. If you don't, they'll think you make less than you actually do. So the only way to tell the truth is to lie."

On using the phone while you're taking a pee or poo: "No, you can't talk on the phone! Do you want the guy next to you to hear your entire conversation?

On texting while you're taking a pee or poo: "Just be sure you don't hit the wrong button and end up putting a photo of your junk on Twitter. Trust me, you don't want those followers."

Oh, Brad, I mean Lt. Aldo, the internet has already seen your peen and pits long before Twitter.

The professional listmakers at Forbes put together their annual "Hollywood's Top-Earning Actresses" issue and predictably these two twats were at the top. Maddox's nemesis made $25 million last year, but it still wasn't enough for the #1 slot. That went to St. Angie who brought in around $27 million. You know St. Angie really made less, but she asked God for a loan so that she could move ahead. But the joke will be on her after she sees God's interest rates.

Forbes says that Angie made a shit load for Wanted and also got a big upfront payment for her upcoming movie Salt. Jenny made most of her cash from Friends residuals and that movie about the doggy with the red Xes on his eyes.

Somewhere in the world, Robin Givens and Juliette Lewis are simultaneously scratching their heads wondering what went wrong, because they both gnawed on Brad Pitt's taint. Together, they probably made $27 in Arby's coupons last year.

Here's the rest of Forbes list. There's really something wrong in the world when Kate Winslet is bringing in less coin than the bitch who was in Forces of Nature.

1: St. Angie - $27 million
2: Jenny Aniston - $25 million
3: Meryl Streep - $24 million
4: Sarah Jessica Pony - $23 million
5: Pizza Face Diaz - $20 million
6: Sandra Bullock - $15 million
7: Reese Witherspoon - $15 million
8: Nicole Kidman - $12 million
8: Drew Barrymore - $12 million
10: Squinty Zellweger - $10 million
11: Cate Blanchett - $8 million
12: Anne Hathaway - $7 million
12: Halle Berry - $7 million
14: ScarJo - $5.5 million
15: Kate Winslet - $2 million

VIA The Hollywood Reporter

That picture of the twin messiahs! HA! If the "second coming of Jesus" job doesn't work out for them, they should really star in old timey silent-movies. They have the "SHOCK! WHA?! WHO? BAM!" face down. Mary Pickford wishes! Now on to business.

Ever since a chorus of angels carried the twin chosen ones down from heaven on a bed made from God's beard, we haven't seen much of them. I figured they were too busy finding the cure for cancer in their own saliva or writing the sequel to War & Peace. Life & Style says this isn't the case. According to some sources, Knox is bulimic and Vivi is allergic to peons. Basically.

The source said, "They’re both hypersensitive. Knox has trouble holding down his food. He spits up nearly every meal." As for Vivi, she has food and environmental allergies, "Right now, she’s on a lactose and gluten-free diet, and she’s still underweight. Because of their delicate state, Knox and Vivienne need to be kept away from anything they could possibly be allergic to. That’s a lot easier to do when they’re home and in a controlled environment.”

Yeah, some of this is hard to believe. Messiahs don't eat food. They just lick themselves for sustenance. You know, the whole "body of Christ" thing. However, I do believe that they are allergic to us "normal" people. It probably stings their holy eyes when they have to look at commoners who don't have glowing halos over their heads.

Brad and Jen are back together! Brad and Jen are getting married again! Brad and Jen are having triplets together! Brad and Jen adopt Maddox! At least that's what I'm thinking the next 4 covers of Star Magazine are going to look like. This week, Brad and Jen had a super secret meeting and the limo driver is spilling the sauce. No, the limo driver's name is not Norman.

The limo driver claims he drove Jennifer Aniston to the Gramercy Park Hotel in NYC at 1am to meet Brad. The limo driver said the two spent a couple of hours together in the back of the private roof club. The driver went on to yap, "It was well planned so no one would see them. They were really careful not to be spotted."

Let me get this straight. They don't want to get caught yet they meet on the rooftop of a hotel? An open roof?! Don't they know that God has eyes? Don't they also know that St. Angie is on God's Fave Five? It just takes one quick text message and their shit is EXPOSED! Creeping around: They are doing it wrong!

And after reading this story, I feel like this is a sign that Brad and Jennifer should star in a remake of My Chauffeur. My brain always goes back to the 80s. Always.

Here's Brangie's fuckery on 3 more covers this week. Can the tabloids please find a way to get Brad to leave St. Angie for Megan Fox? That's where this is headed....

Have your eyeballs been feeling a little out of shape and flabby? Do they have love handles? Do their tummies jiggle when they walk? Well, you're in luck, because here's a little article that will get them rolling. Feminist Naomi Wolf wrote a piece for Harper's Bazaar about how Saint Angelina Jolie is the greatest thing since self-lubricating dildos. Slip on your sweat band, it's time for eyeball calisthenics again!

The piece is titled: "Why Women Want Angelina Jolie's Life"

Angie is the most gorgeous woman on the planet: "Bosomy and wasp-waisted, with that curtain of hair and those crazy pillowy lips, she is an obvious male sex fantasy...Polls also show that if women — not just lesbian and bisexual women but straight women — had to choose a female lover, they would want to sleep with Angelina Jolie. In other words, women both identify with her and desire her."

Angie is more than just a gorgeous face: "There’s something more than a simply physical response. Her persona hits an unprecedented level of global resonance — and makes women want to be with her and be her at the same time — because she has created a life narrative that is not just personal. Rather, it is archetypal. And the archetype is one that really, for the first time in modern culture, brings together almost every aspect of female empowerment and liberation."

Angie can get away with being sexy and a symbol of goodness: "The magic of Jolie’s self-presentation? She makes the claim, with her life and actions, that, indeed, you can get away with it. All of it . Against every Western convention, she has managed to draw together all of these kinds of female liberation and empowerment. And her gestures determinedly transgress social boundaries — boundaries of convention, race, class, and gender — giving many of us a vicarious thrill. When the megascandal took place — Jolie’s alleged seduction of a married man, Brad Pitt, on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith — it could have been the end of Jolie as a role model. But she managed the almost unheard-of task of turning the home-wrecker label into a wholesome, family-friendly triumph."

Angie knows how to fly a plane: "Women are so used to being dependent on others (certainly on men) for where they go, metaphorically, and how they get there. Flying a private plane is the classic metaphor for choosing your own direction; usually, that is a guy thing to do, yet there was Jolie, with her aviator glasses on, taking flying lessons so she could blow the mind of her four-year-old son."

Angie is a lover: "Equally ostentatiously in her role as lover, she took for her own pleasure the male seen as the most desired of the tribe, Brad Pitt, who is always ranked at the top of indexes of male beauty and virility. As for the constraints of social convention — ahem, he was still married? You can have a variety of feelings about this, but Jolie’s evident disdain of that social constraint certainly, for better or worse, put her in the same self-entitled category as those men who have traditionally taken what they wanted and let the emotional chips fall where they may."

Final barfness: "So she becomes what psychoanalysts call an 'ego ideal' for women — a kind of dream figure that allows women to access, through fantasies of their own, possibilities for their own heightened empowerment and liberation."

You can read the entire article (yes, there's more) at Harper's Bazaar. I'm going to warn you that your eyeballs may fall off and roll away. Seriously, it felt like I was reading someone's diary. I bet Naomi sleeps next to a jar full of Angie's hair which she got on eBay. But I feel the same way about Shauna Sand. Just substitute the name "Angelina Jolie" for "Shauna Sand" and this entire essay would make sense.

And just for the record, as a strictly dickly bitch, I can say that Angelina Jolie is not the chick I'd go lesbian for. Her vagina would probably cast a spell on more or take a chunk out of my taint. No gracias.

VIA People

In today's holy Brangie news, they are getting married and also sleeping in separate bedrooms! The two go hand in hand. Let's start with the latter.... And we're off!

The Daily Mail says that St. Angie and Willy Pitt have been not only sleeping in different beds (early I Love Lucy-style), but in different houses! The holy family has been living at the Seacroft Estate on Long Island, NY while St. Angie films that movie about paprika or whatever. The property has an enormous main house and 8 surrounding houses. While Brad prefers to stay in the main house with their child army, St. Angie prefers to sleep in the beach house. A source said, "They would often sleep as far away from each other as possible, not even in separate bedrooms but in separate houses. Angelina spent most of her time in one of the annexes while Brad lived in the main house with its ten bedrooms."

The source went on to say that Brad is hardly with his family which doesn't help his toilet floater of a relationship with Angie, "Angie has been working really long hours on her movie and Brad hasn’t been there (on Long Island) all that much. It’s put a huge strain on them."

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation as to why they are sleeping in separate houses. I'm guessing that Jesus likes to visit late at night on the down low and gossip with Angie about the other saints. They make cookies, braid each other's hair and giggle. It keeps Brad awake. And when Angie is ready to go to bed, it's hard to fall asleep with Brad's no-nut area whimpering at all hours of the night. Or maybe their egos together is too much for one house to handle.

On the other side of the coin, The Daily Mirror says their relationship is all kittens and rainbows, because they are getting married this summer in New Orleans! Well, maybe it's not all cupcakes, because Angie only wants to make it legal to end the break-up rumors. A close friend said, “Usually it’s Brad who wants to talk marriage. But this time it was Angie. An aide sent them all the Press clippings about their ‘relationship problems’ and Angelina said it was probably best if they married to put an end to the stories. Brad’s face lit up – he was thrilled.”

Well, they can't stand to sleep in the same HOUSE together, so marriage seems like the logical next step! They're already living like they've been married for years.