Brangelina

While I was going through old pictures of Angie Jo before she became a saint, I found this jewel from 1998. It made me miss the old Angie. Look at her just sitting there in her polyester-blend suit. The Angie of yesterday could easily have a Chico's kind of day and love every minute of it. The Angie of today doesn't ever have days like that anymore. Come on, Angie. Slip into a Chico's suit and give us a smile while posing in front of a palm tree. It cures all. Sigh. Now on to Angie and Oprah's cock fight for power....

After two years, Oprah's reign as the most powerful of all on Forbes' The Celebrity 100 list has come to an end. Oprah was pushed off her throne by Angelina Jolie. Even though Oprah made $275 million last year and Angie made $27 million, the latter managed to whore herself out more in the media. Forbes' list is based on media exposure and earnings.

Rounding out the top 10 is:

3. Vadge ($110 million)
4. Beyonce ($87 million)
5. Tiger Woods ($110 million)
6. Bruce Springsteen ($70 million)
7. Steven Spielberg ($150 million)
8. Jennifer Aniston ($25 million)
9. Brad Pitt ($28 million)
10. Spaghetti Cat (a couple of dried noodles)

St. Angie may rule the sun and the moon, but I still don't think that's enough for her to be considered more powerful than THE MIGHTY O. In a battle to the death between St. Angie's child army and Oprah's army of crazy menopausal audience members led by Gayle King, we know who would win. All Oprah has to do is throw one of her free "favorite things" on Angie and cackle as her followers devour the saintly one whole.

Brangie's rep, Hermes, tells People that the story about them breaking up is "not true." Yesterday, The National Enquirer said the holy union was officially over, but that they would keep up appearances for the sake of humanity. They know that the world would not survive their split. Every Brangaloonie would break out of their insane asylum and stampede the streets causing the Earth to crash into the sun. Brangie is carrying the future of civilization on their shoulders and they know this.

A source (aka a Brangaloonie with telephone privileges) also shot down the Enquirer's story to UsWeekly, "They have their fights and moments, but generally things are good. They are happy -- and Brad loves being a father!"

So they say they are still ruling the world with their powerful love, but why is it still raining here? Is God's fax machine out of paper? Or maybe they really are over and he knows the truth. The tears from heaven don't lie. Wait. Or maybe they are still together and THAT IS WHY he's crying. Oh shit. That would be what they call a "twist and turn."

Hmmmm...At least that's what The National Enquirer is saying, but it's not raining outside. If this was true, God, the angels and the saints above would not stop weeping ever. They would flood the planet with their tears and we'd be forced to live in underwater cities. Actually, that sounds kind of hot. But I digress.

The Enquirer is saying that it's totally and completely over between St. Angie Jo and BENJAMIN BUTTON'S. Some source said that Brad is spending his time in California while Angie finishes that movie about white grains in New York. When she finishes filming, she's going to take her child army to France. A source called it an "OFFICIAL" split. They went on to yap, "Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he'll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split."

The source said that the straw that broke the Angie's back --- Wait, a piece of straw could totally break her back, right? Like literally. Okay, back to the source. They said that Brangie's last moment together at the Cannes Film Festival was completely staged. They acted all lovely for the cameras, but they were both "over it" on the inside. That's when Angie gave Brad his nuts back and send him on his way.

The National Enquirer has been right before, but if this shit was true, they would devote an entire issue to this. Shit, they would change their name to BRANGIE IS DEAD Enquirer.

In other news, a crazed woman wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses and a t-shirt with the words "You Are So Uncool" written on the front was seen buying every copy of The Enquirer and muttering to herself "Take that, Maddox. Take that, Maddox...."

Eli Roth, Brad Pitt's Inglourious Basterds co-star, told People that Maddox's favorite carrier knows that the only way you can get fresh and clean is with a baby wipe. Eli said, "After a scene, Brad had to get next to me for a close-up shot, and he said, 'Damn, you're ripe,' I said, 'I didn’t have time to shower.' He said, 'Baby wipes, man, baby wipes. I got six kids. All you've got to do is just take them, a couple quick wipes under the pits. Man, I'm getting pissed on all day. I don't have time to take a shower.'"

If you happen to see Terrence Howard standing outside of Brad Pitt's window with a bouquet made of baby wipes, you now know why. Terry's life-long search for the perfect bride is over. There's finally a human being that really understands him on a deep level. Specially, understands and appreciates his love of baby wipes. Because toilet paper is NEVER enough.

Saint Angie was over on Long Island doing a stunt for that condiment movie when she busted her head and started bleeding between her eyes. STIGMATA!!!!

TMZ says that God traveled down from heaven in an ambulance carried by the angels and healed St. Angie with just a touch. Before he flew away, they had a quick chat about the twin messiahs entering (SPOILER ALERT: and winning) the Scripps Speeling Bee next year.

The movie's production company released this statement: "This morning while filming an action sequence... Angelina Jolie sustained a minor injury. As a precautionary measure, Ms. Jolie will be taken to the hospital and examined. Production on the film has resumed."

Basically, the Patron Saint of Everything is going to be fine. Shucks. You'll get her next time, Aniston.

Evangeline Lilly, the one ho who has no business being on Lost, was asked by Women's Health who in Hollyweird she admirers the most. Evangeline said Angie Jo, but then went on to say that Maddox's favorite shooting partner has a heart that is best served in a cup with whiskey over it.

Evangelina (typo, but it fits perfectly) queefed, "No one knows that woman; she's a complete ice queen, which is perfect. Why should she be any more? She doesn't owe us anything." And when asked if she'd want Angie's life, she answered, "Sure, I'd love to be her, but just the humanitarian side."

Actually, Angie owes me 1 hour and 40 minutes of my life back for the time I wasted watching Life or Something Like It.

Evangeline shouldn't throw the term "ice queen" around like that. Where I come from, that title is a high honor and Angie has not earned it! She tries, but fails. I mean, Nicole Kidman has worked her entire life for that title! She is the premiere ice queen of Hollywood! Deservingly so! To quote the legendary Joan Rivers: "She's so cold! I'll just bet she has her period in cubes." I bet Angie Jo doesn't do that. Well, I bet she doesn't get her period at all! Saints don't get periods!

VIA People

For the second straight year in a row, international supermodel Phoebe Price obliterated St. Angie Jo on the red carpet with her third-degree glamour! PP was the guest of honor (not really) and bright shining star at the premiere of Inglourious Basterds (or however the hell you misspell that shit) today. St. Angie Jo showed up with Brad, because she had to. If she didn't, the heavens would crash down on Earth, killing us all and Brangie wouldn't want that! Because who would pay attention to them if that happened?

When St. Angie took one look at Chicken Cutlets' beauty, she would've packed up her condom dress, her toy lips and went the hell home to soak in the deep fryer some more, because she really isn't oily enough. And don't even say that's poultry lard on PP's face! She's not greasy. That's her natural glow!

But seriously, I do like St. Angie's dress. Mostly because it's really fucking slutty. And it looks like extra long foreskin.

Ann Curry Powder is always interviewing Brad Pitt on Today. Probably because he loves it when she gets all gushy around him....to a point. Seriously, bitch acts like me around a Sno-Ball. Whenever Ann is getting ready to talk to Brad, she probably doesn't drink water for 24-hours beforehand and wears 4 pairs of Depends, because she knows he makes her squirt like an overexcited chihuahua.

During this morning's interview from Cannes, where Brad is promoting Inglorious Basterds, Ann started to talk about his personal life, but he quickly changed the subject. This prompted Ann to caress his cheek and giggle like Tommy Girl getting his Scientolohole tickled. You know Ann immediately her had hand freeze-dried!

At the end of the interview, Ann continues to cream herself when saying how millions of women are jealous of her because she gets to be so close to BRAD PITT!!!! (can I have an eye-roll with that?). When asked how he feels about that, Brad responds, "Really. Thank you. Really. Let's move on." Don't worry, Brangaloonies. He wasn't telling you to move on. He was telling Ann to move on. Specifically, he wanted her to move off that balcony and jump into the sea to cool her heated loins. Give her a q-tip!

All the face-touching weirdness is at the 5:15 mark in the video below. The rest of the interview is boooooooooring, so don't bothah! Below that are some pictures of Brad eating a plastic cup. And what in the hell is he wearing? Cary Grant, he is not.

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Drunk dialing: every bitch does it! We've all had too much of the sweet stuff which causes us to pick up the phone and moan to an ex about how they killed our dreams and stomped on our hearts. After they hang up on us, we call them back and beg for their forgiveness and cry about how we didn't mean all that. When they hang up on us a second time, we call again and tell them we hope their penis gets caught in the conveyor belt at the airport baggage claim. True story, I've used that line before during a drunk dialing session. Blame Jack Daniels. My point is, that we've all done that shit! Even Brad Pitt! Now Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) claims Brad has been booze calling Jennifer Aniston. Yes, go ahead and stick a label marked "LAUGHS" on this shit.

One source (point your finger at Norman) barked, “She was initially taken aback — especially as he sounded drunk and sorry for himself. He told her he misses her and that he’s sorry for any hurt caused. Jen being Jen immediately told him she’d never held a grudge against him and would welcome them being friends again, so long as she doesn’t have to be friends with Angelina. He agreed. Before the call, Brad hardly ever spoke to Jen and the relationship was strained. But this phone conversation broke the ice and opened the lines of communication once more.”

There's only one way to check if this is true. Call Jennifer Aniston. If a slurry-voiced Brad Pitt is her voicemail message, hold song and ringtone, then you know this shit is fact. Because Jenny would never keep it to herself. And you know she calls herself, sticks her phone on her crotch area and lets Brad's drunk warble rock her world.

Star Magazine is trying to knock St. Angie Jo's sparkling halo off her head by claiming all sorts of scandalous shit in this week's issue. I think Jennifer Aniston might have been guest editor this week. Keep the Susan Boyle of America on payroll, because this is the shit I like to see.

Star apparently squeezed the juice out of biographer Andrew Morton and Angie's old bodyguard Mickey Brett. Both of them are planning to write tell-alls on the pristine holy family. Although, Mickey denied this a little while ago (Maddox got to him!).

Anymickeywillbestruckdownbytheendoftheweek, some of the shit Star alleges I've heard before. We've already heard zillions of stories about how St. Angie tried to destroy Jennifer Aniston. They really are the Alexis and Krystle of our time. And I think I read something about how St. Angie effed her mother's boyfriend when she was a teenager. Who hasn't done that? Yawn, moving along. But the one I really want to know about is which "female rock star" did Angie Jo hypnotize with her vagina of miracles? Mickey apparently knows all the details and is planning to unleash it to the world in his book.

My first thought was Joan Jett. And then my hand was suddenly filled with vomit. After I wiped that up, my second thought was Gwen Stefani. But I can't picture her licking on hard clit. Then it hit me. VADGE! Now, I know she's not really a "rock star," but she would make sense. St. Angie Jo only seduced Vadge to keep her from monopolizing the baby buying game.

And if you're wondering what St. Angie Jo's hypnotic vagina and Vadge's roidy-puss look like bumping into each other, just watch Godzilla vs. Hedorah.