Brangelina

If one look could cut a bitch up, the whores in the crowd near Zahara are probably in need of some major medical assistance. What's the number to 911?! Don't even think of staring at her. Keep your eyes down and move the fuck along or it's going to go down.

Zahara is even killing me with her eyes through those sunglasses that probably cost more than two months of my rent. One look from Z could turn Ty Ty Banks' smilin' eyes into two quivering balls of fear. She is not the one.

Here's Billy Goat Pitt with Zahara and Shiloh doing their part to save the economy by buying some toys and shit in DC yesterday.

Her double might be Tonya Harding. I'd have to see her bangs to know for sure. But why does Saint Angie need a double? The double is obviously not for the movie, because Angie can do it all. The double is probably used to keep the Brangaloonies off her ass. They put a halo on the double and sprinkle some holy water over her ass. The Brangaloonies are easy to fool.

Saint Angie Jo is in DC filming that Salt movie with her double at Liev Schreiber. I hope we get an Eggs movie next year to complete the Scrambled Eggs trilogy along with Salt and Milk.

The scene they shot involved Saint Angie running around all over the place. They got her to run so much, because the director would yell "There's an orphan over there!" and she would automatically bust her ass to where he pointed. Fooled!

And while Jennifer Aniston pays ten trillion dollars to get her hair done, Angie just has to touch the top of her head while thinking of Tanya Roberts and it magically turns blonde.

No, it's The Rachel, but I wish it was. This is St. Angie on the first day of shooting for that Salt movie. Tommy Girl is totally punching at his ass lips, because he could have worn these sexy ass wigs and looked like a real vixen. Tommy was originally attached to this crap.

Salt is about some spy who pouts her lips a lot, shoots things and frowns whenever she's in a tricky situation. Same Angie shit. You can just call this shit Lara Smith Is Wanted In Sixty Seconds.

This caca party doesn't come out until 2010, but Sony has already released these two pictures below. In the movie, Angie puts on different disguises, because that's what spies do. In the second thumbnail, she's totally disguised as OctoMommy. She needs more crazy in her eyes.

The holy family left The Little Mermaid on Broadway last night and this is what Shiloh thought of that roller skating shit. If I was anywhere near there, I would've grabbed that holy moco out of her finger and put it on eBay. There's a Brangaloonie out there that would sell their children's organs in order to buy that shit. They would melt it down and inject it into their veins so they can tell people they share the same DNA with the most beautifulwonderfulgloriousangelic family in all the universe.

And why does Brad Pitt look like he's fighting a bad case of the runs? Maybe he got caught a glimpse of his own reflection in a window and looking at his tired BENJAMIN BUTTON'S face gave him instant diarrhea.

Scientists from around the world will be taking a break from finding the cure for cancer and other stuff, so that they can devote all their time to studying the clip from last night's Oscars of Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie's showdown! Okay, maybe scientists won't be studying this mess, but you know every entertainment show and celebrity will bring in "body language" experts to dissect this from top to bottom.

Jenny presented Best Cartoon Movie with Jack Black and the camera panned to Brangie twice. St. Angie came prepared, because she had her game face on. Her fake ass smile said "awwwww," but her eyes said, "Fail, bitch. Fail!" Jenny was up there like a lamb brought to slaughter. She should have hot boxed in the parking lot, because bitch was like OctoMom without her IVF fix.

And it's not in the clip above, but when Aniston opened the envelope, she murdered that thing. I almost thought she was going to throw it on the ground and start stomping on it while screaming, "You are so uncool! Uncool you are!" You know whose smug mug Jenny was picturing on that envelope.

Here's some pictures of them last night. Did Ring Pop make St. Angie's jewelry? That shit looks like it's melon flavor.

A quick second after this picture was taken, the bearded lady in the back exploded in a cloud of dust. A mere peon is not capable of handling that much holiness at one time. The halos burn! Even God has to wear a special suit when he comes to visit for a game of Dance Dance Revolution.

In NYC this morning, St. Angie, Zahara and Shiloh bought some happy little shit at Lee's Art Store. They must have eleventy punch cards from that place! They go like every damn second. I bet they just buy poster board and markers. That's what they use to draw out their plans to end the misery and take over the world. You can tell by the look on Zahara's face that she's ready.

And when you have kids can you dress up them up in lil' jolly peacoats like the one Shiloh is wearing? That's really the only reason for me to have a kid. I want to dress it up in a peacoat, walk it around the block and then return it to the Blockbuster drop-box.

Wait and Shiloh actually walking!? Since when can she do that? She's practically a mini-adult-person. By the way, she was robbed of an Oscar nomination for her role in THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT.

A DANCE-OFF!!!!!! The epic dance battle between St. Angie Jo and her arch rival Jenny Aniston might finally take place on Saturday night at the Night Before the Oscars party in Beverly Hills. That's what OK! Magazine says anyway. Jen is apparently ready for the face-off since she has an actual man to take to parties instead of an invisible one!

A source said, "She has always known that this moment would happen and she's never been more ready to see her nemesis, Angie, in the flesh. She's no longer alone — she has a hot man in her life — John Mayer — and she plans to bring him as her date to the party."

Okay, um, Jenny might get more respect if she brings her Brad Pitt Real Doll to the party instead of a used maxi-pad.

And the DJ of the Night Before the Oscars party better have 20 Fingers' "Boom! I Fucked Your Boyfriend" ready to go on the speakers, because when Jenny and St. Angie come sadface to cuntface, they are going to take off their shoes and get fucking down. Maddox and Zahara better stand by to tag in for Angie. And I guess Aniston's dog friends will tag in for her? They will all chant "Whoop that trick!" while Angie and Jenny bust a move.

Here's St. Angie going to hip-hop class in NYC to get ready for Saturday's big dance war. No, she's going to look at an apartment in Manhattan's Washington Heights. How many bitches from the neighborhood do you think she's going to adopt before she leaves?

This is the trailer for Quentin Tarainto's Inglourious Basterds starring Bradley Pitt, Eli Roth, BJ Novak, Mike Myers, Samuel L. Jackson and Crazy Cloris Leachman. It's basically just a bunch of Nazi scalping. And Brad is practically scalping me with that accent.

Brad is so cute when he's trying to be a badass. I just want to pinch his cheeks and say, "Awww. Just put back on that old baby make-up and dance around." Now that would be a movie worth emptying your checking account for in order to buy a ticket. The Curious Case of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S Scalping the Nazis!

Click here if you can't see the shit above.

I'm sure you can find covers like this on the wall in every Brangaloonie's shrine room to their holy couple, but they make theirs at a kiosk at Six Flags. This one is for real! OctoMommy is on the cover of Life & Style this week because they think she might be the craziest Brangaloonie of all-time and forever. But she denied that shit to Ann Curry last night on Dateline.

When Ann asked in her whispery soul-killing voice about the rumors that she's pulling a Single White Female on St. Angie, OctoMommy answered, "I have never even thought of Angelina Jolie except the last time I saw a movie. I think that was like years ago. This is so far away from the place I'm in right now to think of any celebrity." Yeah, she's too fucking busy trying to become one to think about shit like that. And about those lippy injections? She said, "No, no."

Whatever. This crazy bitch could tell me that Kanye West only blogs in CAPS and exclamation points and I'd still head over to his site to double check, because she gets cloudy in the brains when it comes to facts. And by "cloudy in the brains," I mean the bitch is a pro lie-teller.

Crazy Baby Lady may lie, but pictures don't! Your pussy lips might get that swollen when you're constantly knocked up, but I don't know if your mouth lips do. Bitch is going to use that excuse. You know it.

If you missed the interview last night, you can read the transcript, watch clips or look at pictures here. But wait, there's more!

Crazy Baby Lady has her own website and she's looking for donations, because your tax dollars just aren't enough. I think that when she pushed out those millions of babies, she also pushed out her dignity. And I know you'd rather donate to Chris Brown's defense fund than this shit, but here's her website. Even the rainbow looks crazy on that site.

St. Angie and Brad Pitt were voted the celebwhores with the "most kissable" lips in a readers' poll on FeelUnique.com, so the website commissioned sculptor Willard Wigan to carve their heads on a tube of lipstick. Both tubes are currently up for auction over at eBay. It's up to $300 so far with 7 days left. All proceeds from the auction will go to the Breast Cancer Campaign.

While Willard perfectly captured Brad's weepy, life sucked face, why does he have Lyle Lovett's hair and my Mii's eyebrows? And St. Angie looks like she's fucking caught in a windstorm. Oh, I get it. She's sucking the life out of Brad. Willard might be a genius.

Jennifer Aniston is totally going to win this shit just so she can finally get Angie to kiss her ass lips and leave a mark.