Brangelina

While Saint Angie and Brad Pitt were out spreading their holiness after the BAFTAs in London the other night, their child army was back at their hotel wreaking havoc in the hallways. The Sun says Brangie booked most of the seventh floor at The Dorchester Hotel. Most of the floor, but there were still other guests trying to drift into dreamland, but couldn't because the little deities were playing all loud-like.

One guest who complained to hotel about it said, "They were running up and down the hallway for over an hour. Their nanny tried to quieten them down and move them out the way when people came through. But she had her hands full with the four of them.”

The whiny hotel guest did it all wrong. I would've busted out in the hallway and screamed, "Shut the fuck up! Santa Claus doesn't exist. The tooth fairy is a crackhead. And Glenn Close boiled the Easter Bunny in Fatal Attraction. Now go cry about that shit in the bathroom so I can get some damn sleep!" Easy as that.

And the guest who complained about the holy children just earned a spot behind me on the motorboat to Hell. Banished by Angie!

Image: Splash

The angels in heaven have gathered around in a prayer circle, because if St. Angie is wearing color, this must mean something is about to happen. They are preparing! Even the chick behind Angie Jo thinks something in the milk ain't clean about this shit. Yes, it's just a teensy shot of yellow, but Angie usually wears bland ass hospital gowns, so this is mind boggling. I bet you the dress was really all black, but when Angie stepped outside, the sun popped out and busted a load all over her because it was so fucking excited. That's probably what happened.

Here's St. Angie and whiserky Bradley Pitt at the BAFTAs (aka another awards show for them to win shit at) in London tonight. You know, Angie's dress would look a lot fucking better if it was on Jerry Hall circa 1979.

Today Show aired a small preview of Crazy Baby Lady's interview with Ann Curry this morning and I immediately got serious St. Angie Jo flavor from her. Crazy Baby Lady might be the ultimate Brangaloonie!!!!! She's totally going to name her 8 babies, Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Vivienne, Knox, Zahara, Cool and F.Aniston.

But seriously, Nadya Suleman and her cooking oil-injected lips, sat down with Ann Curry (good morning, good morning) yesterday to discuss her crazy baby loving ways. The entire interview will air on Monday morning and Tuesday night on NBC. NBC claims they didn't pay her shit for the interview even though there were rumors that Nadya was trying to get $2 million a pop.

You can watch the preview below, but for those of you that can't, let me sprinkle a few quotes for you:

On not being able to afford her ten million kids:
“I know I'll be able to afford them when I'm done with my schooling. If I was just sitting down watching TV and not being as determined as I am to succeed and provide a better future for my children, I believe that would be considered, to a certain degree, selfish.”

On why she is the greatest mama je'e in the universe:
“Everything I do, I'll stop my life for them and be present with them. And hold them. And be with them. And how many parents do that? I'm sure there are many that do, but many don't. And that's unfortunate. That is selfish.”

On why she risked carrying 6 embryos instead of just 1 or 2:
“Those are my children, and that’s what was available. It’s a gamble.”

On why she wants an army of BABIES!!!:
"That was always a dream of mine, to have a large family, a huge family, and I just longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up."

On what she lacked growing up:
"I didn't feel as though, when I was a child, I had much control of my environment. I felt powerless. And that gave me a sense of predictability. Reflecting back on my childhood, I know it wasn't functional. It was pretty dysfunctional, and whose isn't?”

Survey says? Bitch is batshit crazy! She should be sitting down with a team of psychiatric professionals. Not with Ann Curry. Again, clip below or full article at MSNBC.

If I was Jenny Aniston's spokeswhore, I'd make her swear on her favorite real baby that she will not talk about men, relationships, Brangelina, Maddox or anything sex-related during interviews. You know, I'd demand that she only talk about kittens, puppies, unicorns, rainbows, Cathy the comic strip, candy canes, cocaine and ice cream! Those are safe topics. If she stayed on those topics, quotes like the one she gave Marie Claire would never come back to bite her in the nalgas.

In a joint interview with Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin for that GET ME A MAN NOW movie, Jennifer Aniston confessed this: "I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband… it’s like saving love letters."

HUSBAND! Oh, Jen. It's time to burn the entire cardboard box you keep near your bed labeled: WHY BRAD WHY?!!!! This is just Kleenex box sad. I totally picture her listening to those tapes while cuddling with the teddy bear she made using hair she stole from Brad's hairbrush. I bet she spent hours taking soundbytes from each tape to get Brad to say, "Hi, gorgeous honey. You are the most beautiful girl in the world. Marry me again. Angelina is a hose." She couldn't find a bite of him using the word "whore," but she figured "hose" was close enough.

Click here to read the entire interview.

Source, Source

(Thanks LaToya)

But only because the holy vapors floating off of St. Angelina's precious skin is much too powerful for mere mortals to inhale. You'll go into a seizure and all you will see is Angie's hypnotic vagina dancing around singing "Worship me! Worship me!" That's not something you want to catch. It's the disease known as Brangiementia. And just to be safe, you might want to cover your mouth while you go through these pictures just in case. Her holiness is that intense.

Tonight in Tokyo, the premiere of THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S shit went down. It was the same old, same old. People ate their own tongues from all the excitement. A few babies were born from women that weren't even pregnant. Eardrums burst because a chorus of angels flew down to serenade the holy couple. Typical shit.

I'm glad that St. Angie made use of the Victoria's Secret robe I got my mom 10 years ago for her birthday. My mom never wore it because she said it made her ass cheeks cold. That was gracious of Angie to give it new life. Not only does she save babies, but she saves orphaned silk robes too!

If you're in Tokyo and wondering why all the cherry blossoms are suddenly in full bloom, it's because the twin deities float amongst you Quick! Bottle up the air and sell it on eBay! Authentic twin messiah oxygen!

You can tell that the twins have never seen peons before, "Mommy Saint, why is everyone so dull and not sparkly shiny like us?" Or maybe the twins are just transfixed by a platter of cupcakes? And why do I really want Knox to shine my shoes while performing a jaunty song and dance number?

The entire holy family caused heart attacks and made bitches spontaneously combust when they arrived in Tokyo today. The entire family! Even the one they had a while ago. You know, the one who lives in an ivory tower, has skin made out of blessed snow and is growing her golden hair out so that someone can climb up to give her some attention? Yeah, that one. She was there too!

And I always knew Maddox was a Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta fan. That furry hat on his head is an homage to Kim Zolciak's road kill wig. His looks more realistic......and he knows it.

Giuliana DePandasAss (or Giuliana RANCID) managed to accomplish something last night. She managed to gross me out more than Brangie. That is an achievement. That panda caca-brained bitch should not be holding a microphone anywhere. She should be sitting in the corner with a huge DUNCE cap on her head while Ryan Gaycrest spoon feeds her tapioca pudding.

At last night's BRANGIE LOSE AGAIN AWARDS (YAY!!!), DePandasAss separately interviewed the holy couple. Brad Pitt and St. Angie probably agreed to grace E! with their presence because the yappy gay chihuahua known as Gaycrest was not around. Instead, they got to talk to the town idiot Giuliana.

You know, if St. Angie was staring at me with her haughty ass face, silently judging me, I wouldn't ask stupid questions like, "What has Brad taught you about life?" DUMB FUCK WHORE! Doesn't Giuliana know that St. Angie is the one that does the teaching in that family? She's the all-knowing one. I would've asked that bitch, "Why are you being so uncool right now, you gross bitch?!" But Giuliana is only capable of asking the questions that are fed into her earpiece. And DePandasAss wasn't even fazed by St. Angie trying to stun her with death blinks. No, DePandasAss' shield of stupidity was able to block that shit.

And then when it was Brad's turn to throw mind rocks at the biggest fucktard on the red carpet, he was asked, "Does Angie's beauty ever get old." MORON! The answer to your stupid question was standing in front of you seconds ago. YES, DePandasAss, the beauty is OLD.

Anyway, here's these two at the SAG Awards last night. Yes, Angie is wearing another hospital gown designed by Ambien. The one she wears to every damn awards show. In different colors, of course.

Long Island, NY will soon be blessed with the holy Brangelina family. Yes, Brangaloonies everywhere will soon travel to the new holy land to kiss the ground St. Angie Jo floats above. Star claims they will move into the $60 million Sassafras estate in the town of Lloyd Neck while Angie films Salt for a few months.

They aren't buying it, just renting it. CHEAP FUCKS! I really don't know what they're going to do. The house is barely big enough for them at only 22,000 square feet. Yeah, teeny tiny, right? Poor Maddox will have to combine his hair salon and knife throwing space into one room. Times are tough.

While Maddox is there, I hope he travels to where the real Long Islanders live so that he can learn and embrace their native culture. When they're done with him, he'll have an Aquanet hair nest that touches the sky and beach scenes painted on his new fake nails.

Here's a few more pictures of their new dump. I also threw in a few pics of St. Angie sticking up her nose at the little people while at the Paris premiere of Baby Old Face.

Bradley Pitt was posing at some photo call in France for THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S shit with his crotch door open and his Willy Pitt ready to party. It's Benjamin's button!

Anything to distract from that horizontal landing strip below his nose is fine by me. Besides, Brad probably did it on purpose. He was giving his wang a little air since it was traumatized earlier in the day after St. Angie's peen-eating vagina tried to bite its head off again. It never gets used to that.

By the way, if you see a bitch with their fly open, just tell their asses straight up! A while ago, some dude kept asking me, "Can I see your hot dog vendor permit?" After ten million "HUHs," I figured he was asking for a blow job on the down low. Just as I was getting on my knees, he told me my fly was open. Dumb bitch!

Star Magazine is asking the ten peso question: "Whereeeeee are the twin messiahs?!" I figured they were busy teaching the philosophies of Saint Angie Jo to orphans or maybe discovering the cure for cancer in their own holy butt nuggets. According to Star, the twins have been sickly. Silly, Star! God babie s don't get sick!

A source said that Brad and St. Angie are keeping the twins away to protect their health. Some source said, "They haven't been the healthiest babies. Angie is being neurotic with Knox and Viv. She won't let anyone near them without sanitizing their hands and taking off their shoes. She's really freaking out."

I'm sure Angie makes everyone bathe in holy water before they get near her family. But that doesn't mean the twinsies are sick. Now, I have some experience as a mother since I practically raised the Shiba Inu 6. Yes, I did it by webcam, but I still feel I played a vital part in raising them to become the responsible puppies they are today. No, I didn't feed them or cuddle with them, but I was practically with them every second! And in my experience, babies sleep a lot. A FUCKING LOT. That's all they do. They shit, eat, cry and sleep. They are like me with a hangover. So I know this is a silly thought, but maybe the twin gods are just being babies by sleeping in their cribs 22-hours a day? Yeah, craaaazy thought.