Maddox

At JFK yesterday, Maddox swept in led by his loyal pet billy goat. It's obvious Maddox was not amused, because his pet billy goat embarrassed him yet again by wearing a stupid hat from the Tommy Bahama outlet.

Maybe Maddox fed it to his pet billy goat on the plane. And hopefully, when his pet billy goat was asleep dreaming about Jennifer Aniston in a bikini (that goes out to all you Brangaloonies), Maddox took a pair of pinky shears (that's what my little cousin calls 'em) to that overgrown chin bush. It needs pruning in a bad way.

Maddox rolled into LAX today to probably catch a flight to Sweden just so he can buy his favorite sneakers. Or maybe he's flying to NYC to cut a hip-hop album. Or maybe he's going to Mexico City to single-handedly find a cure for the swine flu (better late than never). I don't know, but there is a method to his madness.

Oh and that scrawny lady who is always tagging behind him also came along. Why is she dressed like the homely administrative assistant in your office going to the company Christmas party? You know, the bitch who thinks a black shirt and pants is considered "dressing up." Bitch looks like a community theater usher.

Three wonders of the world, the Brangie holy family, Dunkin' Donuts and Niagara Falls, collided over the weekend and Earth managed to survive!!

While visiting the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, Brad, Maddox, Pax and his parents tried to camouflage their greatness by wearing Maid of the Mist ponchos, but it didn't work. Tourists went crazy. Some threw themselves into the falls, others just dropped dead and one crazy found the nearest zoo and fed herself to the polar bears. Brad and the boys tried to enjoy the falls, but it was kind of hard, because every time they got too close, the water started going up instead of down. The drops wanted to be closer to the deities.

Earlier in the day, Brad and the boys went to Dunkin' Donuts! How long before that Dunkin' Donuts goes on eBay since it's filled with holy oxygen now? Shit, a hardcore Brangaloonie would sell their babies (I'm talking to you, OctoMommy) just to own an Apple Fritter covered in Pitt saliva.

The holy family left The Little Mermaid on Broadway last night and this is what Shiloh thought of that roller skating shit. If I was anywhere near there, I would've grabbed that holy moco out of her finger and put it on eBay. There's a Brangaloonie out there that would sell their children's organs in order to buy that shit. They would melt it down and inject it into their veins so they can tell people they share the same DNA with the most beautifulwonderfulgloriousangelic family in all the universe.

And why does Brad Pitt look like he's fighting a bad case of the runs? Maybe he got caught a glimpse of his own reflection in a window and looking at his tired BENJAMIN BUTTON'S face gave him instant diarrhea.

While Saint Angie and Brad Pitt were out spreading their holiness after the BAFTAs in London the other night, their child army was back at their hotel wreaking havoc in the hallways. The Sun says Brangie booked most of the seventh floor at The Dorchester Hotel. Most of the floor, but there were still other guests trying to drift into dreamland, but couldn't because the little deities were playing all loud-like.

One guest who complained to hotel about it said, "They were running up and down the hallway for over an hour. Their nanny tried to quieten them down and move them out the way when people came through. But she had her hands full with the four of them.”

The whiny hotel guest did it all wrong. I would've busted out in the hallway and screamed, "Shut the fuck up! Santa Claus doesn't exist. The tooth fairy is a crackhead. And Glenn Close boiled the Easter Bunny in Fatal Attraction. Now go cry about that shit in the bathroom so I can get some damn sleep!" Easy as that.

And the guest who complained about the holy children just earned a spot behind me on the motorboat to Hell. Banished by Angie!

Image: Splash

If you're in Tokyo and wondering why all the cherry blossoms are suddenly in full bloom, it's because the twin deities float amongst you Quick! Bottle up the air and sell it on eBay! Authentic twin messiah oxygen!

You can tell that the twins have never seen peons before, "Mommy Saint, why is everyone so dull and not sparkly shiny like us?" Or maybe the twins are just transfixed by a platter of cupcakes? And why do I really want Knox to shine my shoes while performing a jaunty song and dance number?

The entire holy family caused heart attacks and made bitches spontaneously combust when they arrived in Tokyo today. The entire family! Even the one they had a while ago. You know, the one who lives in an ivory tower, has skin made out of blessed snow and is growing her golden hair out so that someone can climb up to give her some attention? Yeah, that one. She was there too!

And I always knew Maddox was a Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta fan. That furry hat on his head is an homage to Kim Zolciak's road kill wig. His looks more realistic......and he knows it.

When I saw these pictures of Saint Angie Jo shopping in New Orleans, "Man in the Mirror" started blasting in my head. Seriously, if she was wearing pajama bottoms, a black blazer and a surgical mask, she'd be Jacko! Well, Jacko without the moves. I bet you Maddox out-moonwalks her ass.

And Angie's not wearing shoes. She's barefoot. Saints don't have toes. It's a little known fact.

Here's Saint Jacko and Maddox going to a toy store. Maddox is working the shit out of that off-the-shoulder look. His little allowance bag probably has more money in it than all of our checking account combined. They pay for shit using solid gold coins.

Brad Pitt and Saint Morticia Jolie cuddled yesterday while visiting the 9th Ward Housing project. Notice how both of their bare hands are on her stomach. They aren't wearing rubber gloves which means they just made a new chosen one. No, two chosen ones. No, four chosen ones! That's all it takes. They don't even have to get naked anymore. They can do it in front of everyone.

Here's a few more of the holy family out yesterday. Why aren't they ever all together? There's not a bus big enough? They probably work in shifts. It's Zahara and Shiloh's day off. They ain't got nothing on Suri! Homegirl works the 24/7 shift.

P.S. - That doggy in the window sees all. I don't know what means exactly, but just pretend you know what I'm talking about.

Saint Angie Jo doesn't really need any bodyguards or anything, because she has Zahara. That girl will not let anybody mess with her or she'll cut you with a hot razor and give you a concrete smile. Every time I see pictures of her she looks like she's going to take me down. Homegirl doesn't play. Maddox is even saying to himself, "Girlfriend, you sooo dramatic!"

Half of the holy family visited Lee's art store in Manhattan today to buy more supplies to do their hair with. Seriously. This is a hair emergency right here. Saint Angie should drop them off at Suri Cruise's house so that she can take them to her private salon. On second thought, that's probably not a good idea. Those three kids don't need to develop an unhealthy barley water addiction.

Lenny Kravitz somehow found himself in the middle of the A-Rod/Vadge drama after he invited Cynthia Rodriguez to Paris so that she could get away from all the attention. Shortly after that, rumors of Lenny and C-Rod doing sexy times together started to spread. A source told Page Six that when Lenny found out about the rumors, he "looked like he was going to throw up." He was probably just picturing C-Rod's buff bagina.

C-Rod's trainer thinks Lenny's manager (now ex-manager), Guy Oseary, is to blame. Oseary also manages Vadge and A-Rod.

About two weeks ago C-Rod's trainer called Lenny to let him know that Oseary was planning to whore out the Vadge and A-Rod story to the media. Lenny immediately fired Oseary.

Now Lenny thinks that Oseary is the one who leaked the fake story of him cheating with C-Rod to the media as a payback for firing him. Are you still following this? Because I'm not. Anyway, a spokesbitch for Lenny confirmed that he fired Oseary as his manager two weeks ago.

This whole saga is turning into a really bad Jackie Collins novel without the glamour and champagne. We just need to get all of them on Jerry Springer already, because this shit is out of control.